Please don't get any fancy psychological ideas--this isn't a divorce-reaction thing. I am quite certain that "this" is "about" independence. Learning how to live by myself, really live, by myself, as a self-contained unit. I'm sure there are people who caught that lesson at a younger age, with less drama, not so disruptively. I'm glad for them, and envious. However they managed to do it, I didn't. I wouldn't really recommend that anyone else try anything else that I've done in the course of my life, so this is no exception.
I started thinking about nice-ness today while I mentally pondered my non-relationship with a man who, when I think about it objectively, is a lot like me. We both like History and beer and are fairly well obsessed with reading, and have no tolerance for pretense and obviousness and stuffing (that insulation-like product that's served with turkey). The funny thing, that's not actually funny? He's not particularly nice to me--by which I mean, he's never actually been what one could call "nice", to me. Regardless of what I do, he seems to ignore, and then suffer, my presence. And then suddenly, with no trigger that I can see, the situation is transformed, and we are delicately balanced between wringing each others' necks and tearing off each others' clothes. OK, so maybe he's closer to the former and I'm perched just outside the latter, but you get the point. I wonder whether I've ever been nice to him? Or if it matters, in terms of his relative (perceived) antipathy? Is it likely my lack of nice-ness a significant criterion to someone who doesn't seem to value it?
None of this is intended to be some sort of sniveling, self-indulgent plea for compliments; I do realize that there are aspects to my personality that make me worth knowing. I am loyal, determined and generous, I can be funny (although "witty" comes closer and "clever" is preferred) and precise (is that a compliment?), and I make both a good house guest and travel companion because I am self-contained and reasonably copacetic about scheduling. And, of course, I am easier to talk to than girls are. (Here is a shameless plea, if you're in the market: if you actually know me and haven't filled in my Johari window, please do.)
Nice is not something that I want to be. It is an also-ran trait, praised when one lacks something more desirable (akin to having a lovely singing voice). Maybe I'm not 'nice,' but I'll tell you the truth, sometimes make you laugh, and otherwise not waste your time exercising my voice for the hell of it. In the final accounting, maybe that will be enough. Not enough to get whatever I want, right when I want it, but...enough.
I once knew a guy who was very interested in dating me, and the only characteristic he possessed beyond being relatively good-looking and tall was that he was a nice guy. I spent hours mentally trying to come up with explanations of why he wasn't dateable. He was just ... nice. That's all.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you know what, I've never in all my years of cemetery lurking, seen a tombstone that said anything about the person being "nice."
Today, we have "snests" for captcha.
I care about "polite" more than about "nice". I don't like people who are rude, and for me I think that includes a lot of things that for other people come under "nice". For me, it's all in the details. If you are a good travelling companion, you are probably adequately polite in my definition. You probably don't take the last piece of chocolate without asking if I want half, or talk all the time only about yourself without ever asking anything about me, or forget to say "thank you" for favors and "I'm sorry" for mistakes.
ReplyDeleteSo what does "nice" mean, in this post? Polite? Giving? Genial? Warm? "Nice" is a diluted word for me, so some specificity would help in the decoding.
ReplyDeleteAnd in general, balance is found at the balance point, not way out to any one extreme. Being Nice/Polite/Giving/Genial is awesome when the context merits it. But just as likely you'll have to be confrontational, hard, cold, and violent to make it through another moment as well. Good living is found in adaptability, not blind allegiance to anything, "nice" included.
"When you have nothing who is accompanying you he is the most important person in your"--[no, I didn't leave anything off]--from "JasonBirk Jia Qi"
ReplyDeleteC: Relatively good-looking is a dime a dozen, and tall doesn't mean much to me at all. Just nice...meh.
ReplyDeleteM: That ability to get along does seem to be more useful than to have a good reputation - to be thought nice - for doing it.
D: What does 'nice' mean...ever? I think that the dilution is part of the issue, or perhaps the entirety of it. It is such a mild attribute, and has so little at stake, that I'm not sure that I can trouble myself to find an answer for what it means.
You're right, though, that adaptability is prehaps better than mere striving for 'goodness' or 'nice.' By another name: grace.
J: If I read you correctly, I am seeing the absence of that man more clearly simply because of his absence, rather than because he is worth missing. I would not go so far as to say he is the most important person in my life, but he is a persistent thought. Maybe I can replace those thoughts with these instead.
Nice = "be nice" as directed from parent to 3-year-old after an altercation over sharing
ReplyDeleteNice = a cheap, lazy, not-quite way of saying "kind" (a nice gesture is sending flowers to a funeral)
Nice = frequently followed by "...but..." as in thinking, "That was a nice thing for her to do, but I wonder why since she's usually a right bitch."
Nice = as opposed to 'mean' ("That's not very nice") or unladylike ("It's not nice to sit like that")
Helpful? The more I define it, the less I like the word. It originally meant "stupid" and perhaps we're circling back to that now.