the world won't last. What are You? What am I?

    This is the newest in a recurring series called The Interview Game, the first of which was conducted by Michael and posted here, and the most recent of which was conducted by The Onion and posted here. These questions were posed by my mysterious friend Elliott.     

    Questions are always welcome, to appear in future posts. Add in the comments or send them directly to me by private message.

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1. You inherit a perfectly ordinary house from a mysterious relative. In the attic, you discover one locked trunk. Inside can be anything except money. What do you hope is in it, and why? 

    a novel, handwritten, never published. Preferably hand-illustrated as well. To be able to read something that is essentially secret until that moment would be amazing. Even if it's not the best work ever written, it would be an honor and a gift. 

 

2. You've written before about films, books, objects, places, and even rooms that seem to gather emotional weight over time. What's something you own that has become far more important to you than it had any right to be when you first acquired it? 

    putting aside the obvious things like letters from friends who've died... the first thing that comes to mind is my wedding ring. I've long since traded away the engagement ring (for the diamond earrings I'm wearing right this moment, in fact). The wedding band, I had made smaller so it fits my pinkie, and also had the inscription buffed out. I wear it on a chain with some other charms. The ring seems to stand for affection and loyalty, and the idea that I was once the kind of person who could be so loving, and so loved. 

 

3. You have one free day, no obligations, no errands, no guilt, and a modest amount of spending money. What does the day actually look like from waking up to going to bed? 

    sleep, eat, read, sleep, eat, movies, sleep. My desires are simple.

    If it had to involve going out, I'd wander the downtown bookstore near the financial company where I used to work, then get red beans & rice from the BBQ place. I'd come home, eat spicy food, and read - probably poetry. 

 

4. What's a belief or assumption you held at twenty that you now find charming, misguided, incomplete, or surprisingly correct?

    charming: love wins in the end

    misguided: "I deserve it" is sufficient reason for whatever indulgence appeals at the moment

    incomplete: any phrase starting education is..., education will..., or education justifies...

    surprisingly correct: living away, at least for a while, is the right thing for me to do 

 
5. Suppose a friend who knows you very well is asked to describe you in one paragraph. What's the thing you hope they mention, and what's the thing you suspect they'd mention instead?

    I would hope they would mention sometimes-surprising thoughtfulness, e.g. well-chosen cards. I would suspect they would mention organization or detail (which I consider a thing that I do, but not necessarily a thing that I am).

 

6. What's the most beautiful thing you've ever bought for a completely impractical reason?

    this photo print ("Couples, Princes Street Gardens, Edinburgh (1966)") by Robert Blomfield, upon which I splurged—big time—and that I never, ever regretted. It hangs in my bedroom (now with a tiny watering can and an even tinier glass cat perched on the frame) and always, always brings me peace and joy to see. (Read this post for more on the subject.) Owning something purely for the feelings it gives to look at it is highly impractical, but by no means irrational. 

 

7. What subject could someone accidentally get you talking about for three hours?

    houseplant care

8. What's something you've become better at letting go of?

   tangible evidence of affection. Sometimes it's better to appreciate a memory as a memory and not by way of a thing.

 

9. Which movie scene would you most like to step into and inhabit for one hour?

    the ending scene of This is Not What I Expected (2017). Quiet sunset,
congenial company. Possibility. 

10. If future historians were reconstructing your life from the contents of your home, what conclusion would they get spectacularly wrong?

    it seems like my eBay inventory might give the idea that I'm a scholar, a tech geek, and maybe a machinist. And that I wear an extremely strange array of clothing and shoes.

[the title quotation is by Yunus Emre, from The Drop That Became the Sea: Lyric Poems]

choose love not in the shallows but in the deep

The latest volley in The Interview Game, a la The Johnnie Walker Interview, from my dear old friend "The Onion": 

 

1. What are the great joys of your life these days? What makes your toes curl, what gets you into your car on a bitterly cold Sunday morning, what pries open your savings account because goddammit it's time to spend?

    Those four phrases bring to mind at least three different answers, and the whole lot makes me smile in a slow, satisfied, mysterious way that would probably seem obvious on the surface but wouldn't even begin to approach the real meaning.

    What are my great joys just now? A few hours' sleep. Personal mail. Earning money. Delicious food, well made. My own courage, especially in the face of something that might've frozen me before. Hugs. Kitties. Hugs from kitties. Text messages that make me think. Phone calls with the only person I ever answer the phone to. 

    What makes my toes curl? Those phone calls. Those hugs. A really good book. Growing something, and seeing the first sprout or flower appear. Massage. Riding in the car when I can trust the driver.

    What gets me in my car? Well, to me that's the equivalent of, "When I don't want to see people, when it gets to be too much to process social interactions - is there anyone I will still be around?" Yes, there is. We can be in the same room, doing our own thing, talking only when necessary. Eat, nap, watch sports or a movie, read. Just be, independently - but together. He knows who he is, and that's enough. 

    What pries open my bank account? Ironically, I'm pouring a lot of money into my house lately, but with the not-so-hidden goal of leaving it sooner rather than later. This place has always been too big for one person. I bought it because I was tired of looking for a place to live and it felt like home from the first, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a lot of house and I'm using maybe a third of it, and less all the time. This spring I'm getting new floors in the kitchen, dining room, and another room in the back. Once that's through, I'll take delivery of new kitchen appliances. After that, my handyman couple will complete some minor tasks (clean-up painting related to the flooring change, swapping out a few light fixtures, and changing the banister to the basement). At that point, I'm ready to call my real estate agents to have them evaluate the selling potential. And, of course, the possibility of finding me a place to live that won't cost more than this place!

2. Imagine you're standing before an alien, and he knows what you are - blood, bones, genes, linen and cotton and leather garments, all check. But when it asks "Who Are You?", what do you respond? Remember--the fate of the galaxy rests on you here, don't start a war. 

    I am probably not the one that you should ask. You see, I am an observer, not a statesman. I do not speak for the people. Not for anyone, really. I like to think of myself as one who looks for answers, but in truth what I like best are the questions, the challenges, the seeking itself. Who am I? I don't know. A different thing now than when I met the author of these questions, for sure, that differentness doubled in the decade before that, and so on. A daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt. Niece, cousin. Godmother times three. Ex-wife (and the various ex- statuses to go along with that). Attorney, historian, cataloger. Whatever the hell my job is now. Reader, writer, photographer. Collector. Seller. Friend. Something undefinable.

3. Favorite thing about your body - not the little details that you wish were better, but the things that you enjoy having be seen, that make you shine within and without when noticed. 

    My eyes are light blue rimmed in gold amber, and especially when it's dark and my pupils are big, they are strikingly pretty.

4. What're the top 5 things that you enjoy to do/go to/buy/maybe even eat or drink that defy your usual character? A bookworm who puts on corpse paint for a heavy metal concert, for example, or a firefighter ex-Marine who loves his flower bed--what are those things for you? 

    This is difficult to answer, because my "usual character" is multifaceted and resistant to simple boundaries. However, for the sake of explanation, I will try to comply--by sharing my inside v. outside dichotomies.

    a) For about half the year, my typical 'look' is the librarian uniform cardigan sweater, jeans, and low-key boots. Under that uniform are 10 tattoos, a toe ring, and toenails whose polish color changes roughly every three days, year 'round. The inside literally doesn't match the outside.

    b) My physical appearance can make me seem ... mild mannered. Even as I type this, I can imagine the look on my best friend from college's face when she reads that, and the involuntary nasal expulsion from another person. While my outward mannerisms are often mild, I can also be a fiery fucking hothead just looking for a place to blow. I thoroughly enjoy 'pulling out my hidden lawyer' on someone who's earned her.

    c) If I drink in public (which I rarely do) and someone else is buying, more often than not I will just order a shot of vodka or rum. No futzing with umbrellas and chasers and foo-foo mixers.

    d) Despite my elaborate and well-documented relationship with shoes and pretty jewelry, I have few purses, and do not care to acquire more. Anytime I can get away without one, I am happy to do so.

    e) The photographs that I've taken that I love the most - I mean, for which I have the greatest personal affection - are not those with fine composition or a good eye or striking lighting, or any of that. They are, in truth, probably just amateurish snapshots of real moments in which I was happy. That's not a hip artiste thing to admit, but that's why I'm not a photographer in truth. It just makes me happy.

5. What are the things you are most proud of in your life to date? What are your biggest and best moments? 

    Going to college, because it was a rebellious move in my extended family. Living through college on a diet of cheap beer, heartache, and Snickers. 

    Moving to the Mitten, even though it took getting married to get there. Having the experience of "living away" was good for me. I don't know if I'd have grown up without it. 

    Staying in the Flatland after the divorce. Having the experience of living on my own, when everything in my life was telling me that moving home was the easiest thing to do. Easy isn't always right, and that's the prime example. I probably learned as much in those ten years as I had in the prior 34.

    Studying for, and passing, the bar exam. In my family of origin, I am considered the flighty one, and not without good reason. (My subject GRE scores are a fine example of that shit, but that's feed for another post.) Proving to myself that I could settle down for hours at a time to relearn what I'd spent the prior three years learning for the first time was enormously valuable. Passing that fucker in one go was a Goddamned triumph. Being sworn in was one of the finest feelings I can ever hope to have. I just wish someone else - anyone else, really - had given a fuck.

    Finishing my thesis, earning my Masters, after poking my fingers in my ears and sing-song-ing La-la-la-la-la for six years. I managed to squeak it out roughly two months before I would have lost credits because they were more than ten years old. Writing 109 pages on a subject that still makes me happy to talk about.

    Ending my marriage. Not a good thing, but a right thing, and we're both better for it.

    Getting out of the Flat when I did, and moving up here. Again, not the easy thing to do, and plenty of reasons not to. Some regrets, even. (I miss you, C.)

    And, finally: loving as a grown-up. No hearts stolen, no trickery, no blind moments. I knew what I was getting and made my choice. Keeping on making that choice is an ongoing good moment.

[Thanks, my Onion! The title quotation is by Christina Rossetti.]

I was driven because I wanted to be like others. I was afraid of what was wild and indecent in me

    This is the newest in a recurring series called The Interview Game, the first of which was conducted by Michael and posted here, and the most recent of which was conducted by The Intern and posted here. These questions were posed by my west-coast friend, The Carpenter.     

    Questions are always welcome, to appear in future posts. Add in the comments or send them directly to me by private message.

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1. Is your mind always in constant motion even when you're completely relaxed and peaceful? 

    yes - isn't everyone's mind like that? I have often wondered what it's like to live inside other peoples' heads. It takes a lot for my brain to wind down and not revisit things that have already happened, things that might happen, things that are happening but are not my main focus....

2. In your opinion what's the cutest pair of shoes you own? 

    it's a tie (naturally). The blue/gray ones are more "cute" and the red are pretty/sexy.

3. Are you practicing in the specific field of law that you intended when you passed the bar? 

    God, no. Not even close. If you'd told me then what I'd be doing now, I'd have laughed myself sick, as would any of my classmates who knew me remotely well. It was a fact universally understood that I was a dilettante, in law school for vanity and staving off boredom more than anything else. I was ~8 years older than most of my classmates, had a job, was married, had been through grad school, and in pretty much every way felt and acted different from them. While they were taking "useful" classes like Criminal Procedure and Trusts & Estates, I was taking History or Political Science department grad courses for Law School credit, learning loads but not about how to do law. 

    That all got me back almost exactly 5 years later, when I was divorcing and had to figure out a future for myself. And then again 14 years after that, when I was easing every closer to my current job. If only I'd known!

4. What three things are you really good at when it comes to baking?

    I make amazing scones, killer brownies, and popovers that I'm forbidden to make too often because they are too good

5. What was the most thought-provoking movie line for you?

    "I'm your huckleberry..."

6. What was the last meal you got in the drive-through?

    a crispy chicken sandwich (no mayo), fries and a Coke, with Becky

7. If you were Queen of the World for a day, what three things would you decree?

    (a) no more ghosting (and, in fact, anyone who's done it must immediately atone with a groveling note of apology and explanation. And flowers. And lifelong guilt.)

    (b) no littering, ever, anywhere, at all

    (c) be more kind than you 'have' to be

8. If someone wanted to gain a little insight about you, what three poems would you tell them to read?

    • 'A Presence' by W.D. Snodgrass

    • 'Don't Hesitate' by Mary Oliver

    • 'Epithalamium' by Pablo Neruda, particularly the center section ("Our love was born...")

9. On a scale of 1 to 10 with one being the worst, how good do you think you are at putting on a good face when you would rather give someone a tongue lashing?

    it obviously depends on the person with whom I'm interacting, but overall I'd give myself a 3. My temper is so bad. I can keep it leashed more often than not, but when it gets out of control, it's just really, really bad. I'm not saying that like it's an independent entity that goes on without me; I do realize that I'm responsible for whatever I do when I'm angry. Just acknowledging that I can go from miffed to explosion in a heartbeat.

10. We've all heard the rumors about women who work in libraries being a little more on the wild side behind closed doors. Is there any truth to that?

    there is certainly some truth to that, though I would never say whether that is personal truth or just something that I've heard about from others!

    I can say that it can be foolhardy to judge a book by its cover.

11. Ham and Swiss or PB&J?

    that's an easy one: PB&J. I'm no fan of Swiss ... anything, and at various points in my life I've eaten PB&J for lunch every day for years at a time. Good stuff.

12. What's your favorite flavor of mustard?

    plain ol' yellow

13. The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

    The Beatles. There are a couple of Stones songs that I like all right, but it's Beatles for me!

[the title quotation is from 'Account' by Czesław Miłosz]

from these our interviews, in which I steal From all I may be

    This is the newest in a recurring series called The Interview Game, the first of which was conducted by Michael and posted here. These questions were proposed by my former colleague, The Intern, with whom I play The Hashtag Game - described here.

    Questions are always welcome, to appear in future posts. Add in the comments or send them directly to me by private message.

---

1. Describe your favorite pair of shoes. 

Almost four years ago, I was hired in the department where I currently work. The new job involved a decent raise. I spent the equivalent of that year's raise on five pairs of shoes. One is now my favorite pair: rich burgundy Kenneth Cole velvet slides, topped with a big floppy bow. They are decadent, frivolous, feminine, luxurious, and perfectly comfortable. I cannot wear them outside (weather would destroy the velvet), it is a challenge to find appropriate clothing to wear with them (a certain degree of sophistication is necessary, but so too is some devil-may-care insouciance), and I cannot wear them too often for fear of over-exposure; the last thing I want is for them to become commonplace!

2. How are you sleeping? 

Off and on the last two weeks I have been battling with my insurance company - with the help of my primary care physician, Dr. B - for coverage of a new migraine prevention prescription. A once-per-month injection, it would completely change my medication routine. The controversy: my insurance will not pay it until my doctor consults with a neurologist or headache specialist. He referred me to Neurology. They will not see me while I am taking one of the two pain relieving prescriptions that I was on, because of the theoretical tendency toward rebound headaches and the abuse of medication. I have to stop taking that medicine for 8 weeks, and track my headaches, before Neurology will accept the referral. At that point, they will consult with my doctor. And then, my doctor can resubmit the request for my insurance company to review their denial of my claim for the medication to be pre-approved. Bureaucracy!

    This is relevant because the two prescription medications that I'm taking now to prevent migraines each have an effect on how well I sleep. If I don't take them, or don't take them at the right time of day, they keep me up or screw with my sleep. On the other hand, if I take them on the same routine, I sleep like the dead. That is one really good thing about working from home and having zero social life: a routine is easy to follow. If I get the new medicine, there is hope that with fewer overall medications (particularly the pain relievers), I will feel healthier and get even better sleep.

    I generally sleep from 9:30 or 10:PM until 6:30 on weekdays, and maybe 11:PM to 7:AM on weekends. When the neighbor to the east has no lawn-care or canine issues, I can sometimes manage to remain unconscious until 8:00 on weekends, and often take an hour or two nap midday. By comparison, I can comfortably sleep 10 hours every day when I'm not working, though it generally skews from later at night to later in the morning.

3. What will you do with your hair when it goes grey?  

My childhood BFF, who is fighting cancer, recently shaved her head. I might just do the same. Rather than trying to "ease in" the silvery bits, just let it happen all at once.

4. Who do you wish heard what you were thinking? 

That depends! Some of what goes on in my mind is not fit for human consumption. Most of it is dull or inane - though for the right person in the right mood, that might be amusing or interesting enough. There are moments that I wish could be shared, if it were as easy as tugging out one earbud and sharing it with someone else. 

    If it had to be all or nothing, I would choose nothing. 

    If I had to choose someone, though, to hear what I'm thinking some of the time—it would be DG.

5. Is this real? 

Of course it's real! 

#initforlife

 

[the title quotation is by Lord Byron, from Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, and reads in its entirety:

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,

There is a rapture on the lonely shore,

There is a society where none intrudes,

By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:

I love not Man the less, but Nature more,

From these our interviews, in which I steal

From all I may be, or have been before,

To mingle with the Universe, and feel

What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.]

what are the best things and the worst things in your life, and when are you going to get around to whispering or shouting them?

The Dinner Party Interview Continuing the grand tradition of 'the interview game', a friend sent a back-channel interview with a unique twist: questions involving many of the parts of a fancy dinner party, and slight riffs thereon. I think I like it.

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• Drinks
  • Name a favorite new drink: I just read in a novel about something called Purple Jesus: grape juice, ginger ale & vodka. It sounds sweet as Hell but probably beyond delicious on a hot day. I would try that.
  • What are the best & worst parts, for you personally, about drinking alcohol? I was told today during a work meeting that I am 'unapproachable' and 'hard to talk to.' I've gotten the idea, in the past anyway, that when I'm under the influence, those attributes are lessened. That's the good.
    The bad is wanting to do it in greater quantity, and more often, than as a simple social activity. It's become very clear over the course of my adulthood that addictive personalities are rampant in my family of origin. Drawing the line between having a drink (or, sometimes, having a few) and going completely overboard—in drinks or behavior—is difficult, occasionally foolish, and rarely impossible. Often, I just don't.
• Appetizer
  • Name a favorite appetizer: bruschetta. I prefer it on tiny pieces of bread that are small enough to be popped straight into one's mouth, rather than needing to be eaten in multiple bites. The tomato salad on top is usually rather precarious and doesn't lend itself to staying properly anchored to the toast and tends to tumble off, which is a serious bummer when you love it like I do.
  • What are the best & worst parts about the idea of starting a new phase in one's life, e.g. a new job or a relationship? The best part is leaving the bad parts of the old phase behind. Losing the dead weight. Kicking off the uncomfortable shoes. Getting out of the ruts that have held one back for however long.
    The worst part is how damned scary it is. What if it really isn't better, just a different version of bad? What if what's wrong isn't the old situation, but me? What if I'm really never supposed to be happy, just floundering in a goopy mass of discontent?
• Soup
  • Name a favorite soup: Ham & Bean, one of the rotating daily variety from Afternoon Delight cafe in A2. I miss that place so much, though being far away from it has probably helped me lose a substantial amount of weight. Reviewing the menu online literally made my stomach growl.
  • What are the best & worst aspects of the point in a life change (diet/relationship/job search) where others (friends/family) become aware of it? The best is the promise of support that they offer, I suppose, if they are the sorts of people who would do that. Of being held in the arms of one's own community and taken care of, at least to some extent, and protected from the worst of it by the concern and affection of one's own people.
    The worst of it is the sense that one is on display. Vulnerability is hard to take under any circumstances, and particularly so when one is in a period of transition. I think that's why it's natural to want to have things like this locked down before we share the details with our loved ones sometimes--in part to save ourselves the scrutiny, but also to save them the secondary troubles if something goes wrong in the process. Maybe we can handle it on our own, sweep the remains under the rug, and get by without anyone else realizing the extent of our mess.
• Salad
  • Name a favorite salad: Romaine and spinach with green pepper and a little onion, possibly green olive, lightly dressed with vinaigrette
  • What are the best & worst aspects of bringing together a disparate group of one's friends, e.g. a surprise party? My former spouse threw a surprise party for my birthday a few years ago. It was fun, and excruciating. There were friends there from grade school, junior high, high school, college, grad school—and also family. It was held at a bar in my hometown. I spent the whole time trying to make some connection between the people who were there, most of whom looked incredibly uncomfortable and were very stiltedly attempting conversation with each other but only with help. They weren't being difficult; they had been put into an impossible situation.
    The best thing about it? They were ALL there for ME. It was a huge honor, a blessing, and like nothing else that had ever happened in my life. I suppose one's own wedding is like that, and graduation parties and that sort of thing, but those are different because there's always something else going on at the same time and distractions from the me-me-me focus. They were ALL, just, there for me. He'd gone through our address book and just invited everyone I knew. How weird is that?! And they came!
    The worst thing about it? I was the absolute center of attention, the whole time. When I use the word 'excruciating', I do not exaggerate. I felt...desperate. It was mortifying. I don't usually get all "aw shucks" about compliments, but I seriously couldn't deal with how grateful I was at that. I think I was a teary-eyed mess for most of the night.
    And I also half wanted to smack the daylights out of my spouse, who clearly hadn't listened when I said, "No surprise parties." Why don't people ever believe it when one says something like that? Why would I lie?
• Entree
  • Name a favorite entree: Ruby Tuesdays' "Parmesan Chicken Pasta: Parmesan-crusted chicken breast over penne pasta tossed in Parmesan cream sauce, then finished with tomato-basil sauce and Swiss." I don't like cream sauce at all, and I'm not wild about fried things with cheese things, but this is absolutely phenomenal. I love it.
  • What were the best & worst things about your entree into 'the otherworldly world of California'? The best thing was seeing my friend getting married. It was a long time coming, and not an easy road, and he was obviously very happy to be there. He was also very glad to be showing off his new home state to his family, of which I am an honorary member, so I enjoyed taking part in that. Seeing the Hollywood sign and the Staples Center and southern wine country was a joy that I will not forget.
    The worst thing was more personal, in a way, and a little harder to explain. There was a small, futile crush. It was painful, but more due to the futility than to the crushing—it wouldn't have ever gone anywhere regardless of when or under what circumstances it occurred, and it just happened to occur over a terribly romantic and also stressful weekend. Crushes aren't all bad, but they're definitely no great joy, either.
• Cheese
  • Name a favorite cheese: fresh mozzarella, by far.
  • What are the best & worst parts of being cultured, of having developed taste? The best is that it sticks with you. Wherever you go, whatever you experience, once you have it, you will always appreciate things in a different, prehaps deeper way.
    The worst is that you can't escape it. Cheap beer is no longer quite as fulfilling on a hot summer's day—it tastes a whole lot more watery and terrible. Nacho cheese snacks, loved as a teen, are grossly salty and processed-tasting, rather than crave-worthy. The song that almost anyone else can hear four times a day grinds in one's ears like a burr-bit on a drill. Modern art starts to equal, sight unseen, travesty. Culture can begin to seem like snobbery, over time.
• Dessert
  • Name a favorite dessert: "Cherry Cheese Dessert"
  • What are the best & worst things about falling in love? The best thing about falling in love is hope.
    The worst thing about falling in love is hope.
    If these two statements seem incompatible, then I wonder whether you've ever really been in love.
• Coffee
  • Name a favorite hot beverage: Republic of Tea Cranberry Blood Orange black tea
  • What are the best & worst aspects of staying up late? The best part of staying up late is the quiet. Not just sound, but the way the perky people tend to nod off early and leave the rest of us to it.
    The worst of it is that the demons come out in the dark. Not real demons, but the ones that live in the back of your mind and taunt you when you're trying to think about anything but them.
• Dinner music
  • Share a favorite piece of dinner music: Vivaldi's 'The Four Seasons'
  • What are the best & worst that can be shared about the end of your last love? The best thing about the end? Ugh. Ummm...I suppose it's that it didn't linger. It was quick, and at the time relatively painless. We were dating (or whatever, in the vernacular), and then there was an undeniable gap of time, and then we were not dating. Or whatever. It didn't drag all over everywhere, pulling in bystanders and inanimate objects and what have you. It just ended.
    The worst of it is that I cannot get over it. Cannot, will not, refuse to. Whatever. I can't figure it out. Why did it happen? How, for that matter, did it happen? There wasn't that much to it, so it ought not be so difficult to determine. But I can't wrap my brain around it. It puzzles me. And I keep trying to work it out. And, while I do, I just keep standing still.
    That, right there, is the worst.

[the title quotation is by Ray Bradbury, from Zen in the Art of Writing: Essays on Creativity]

the place where you made your stand never mattered. Only that you were there...and still on your feet

Another in the continuing series of Interviews, this one from bmg at Sledding with Rosebud. Submissions for the series are always welcome--send (four or five) questions by email at the address in the footer or drop in a comment. (Or contact me whatever other way you know how.) A separate interview tag is in the works, by the way, once I've assembled all the moving parts....

1. Your recent excursion to California was enjoyable to watch from afar. When you have the opportunity to travel, what do you enjoy most from the experience? What about this trip will stay with you?
   I cannot say that I love to travel, and as I get older, I am less likely to accept its indignities in silence. Air travel is uncomfortable, inconvenient, cramped, awkward, and overly public. (No, I can't afford to do it in the way that would render some of that less apparent. First class is something I've only experienced twice, and a person could definitely get spoiled!) I'm a little worn out on driving all the time, but being a passenger is hard on me because I kind of like being in control. Maybe I should only travel on foot?
   What I enjoy most about travel is the being there, not the traveling-to or the wandering-about, I suppose. Being away, whether that means the same sort of away that I usually experience (I'm very accustomed to trips to my hometown, as you know) or something completely different, like this past week in California. Being in the home state is seriously calming, on a scale that I cannot even express in words. It's not just a matter of being away from work and the typical routine, because when I'm back home it's often pretty hectic and overbooked, with people and plans pulling me in too many directions for my own comfort. But the overall experience, the place itself, is soothing. The river. The bluffs (a term which makes little sense to people not from there). The way the town is laid out on a grid, for heaven's sake, with nice square corners. Trees everywhere, and city parks every few blocks. The best bakery on the planet. The lakes, which I grew up thinking were sludgy and awful, but that I miss somethin' fierce now.
   Being in southern California was something like that: the experience was...encompassing. It was, to the depths of me, grossly, god-awful hot--until it was somewhere beyond "chilly," at night. I was sweating all day and then covering up with multiple blankets to sleep. That's not quite ideal weather, but it felt pretty good after a May snowstorm here.
   I found southern California to be, honestly, sort of unattractive. It is billed as one of the most beautiful places on Earth, but I thought it was sort of scraggly, dry and rough-looking. Not just the outlying, sort of desert areas between L.A. and the Inland Empire, but the whole kit and caboodle. Maybe it's the color scheme of the west, tan and brown, to which I'm just not accustomed. Maybe it's that I didn't see water at all until the last day of the trip, and then only from a pretty vast distance and at a good clip. Maybe it's the fact that you can't go anywhere or do anything without driving—so much traffic! so many cars!—that even pretty places are obscured by streets, parking, and infrastructure.
   I liked being there, finally. Especially after this trip was so long in the planning and so very highly anticipated. Several dear friends, a nemesis, and 49% of my heart live in that state, after all, so it was a shock and an unmitigated pleasure for me to finally be there, too.
   I am in awe of the Pacific. (There is irony here, but all of that will have to wait until the story of Day Six comes out in its entirety. Wait for it!)
   What about the trip will stay with me? Oh, I don't think I'll likely forget much of it, truly. While it's true that details tend to be filed off our memories by the sands of time, there is a great deal about this vacation that will make it stand out in my mind, good and striking in other ways. (I don't want to give too much away from the stories of days four through six! Trust me on this.)
2. Summer-type weather is here, and your excellent taste in beer is respected around these parts. What are your personal seasonal recommendations for hot weather refreshment?
   You might be surprised to discover that I've almost completely stopped drinking alcohol. I don't keep it at home at all, and only rarely have one while out with friends. I think it's contributed to my improved overall health, and I know that the expense was a drain I didn't need.
   That being said, I tried something recently that I can recommend: New Belgium Snapshot. It's delicious.
3. Yup, beach weather has also arrived, and nothing says beach better than reading a book... or so I have heard. What do you tend to read during the height of swimsuit season?
   This might sound a little crazy, but one book that I always like to read at this time of year is called Snowed In. It's a novel by Christina Bartolomeo about a young woman who's recently moved to Portland, Maine, just at the start of winter, during her second year of marriage. I've read it several times. I don't know what it is about it that appeals so much at this time of year--maybe it would just be too bleak during the winter?--but I think I've always read it during the summer.
   Other recent hits, all re-reads, include Jen Sacks' Nice; The Girl She Used to Be by David Cristofano; Anthony Bourdain's Bone in the Throat; and Breathing Lessons by Anne Tyler.
4. While you relish the chance to move back to the [] River Valley, there must be some redeeming qualities of the place you currently call home base. What do you like about where you are now?
   Some of my very best friends live here, of course. I've been here for many years; I would hate to think that after all this time, I would have no roots.
   It is, in some ways and in some places, quite beautiful. There are sights to see, in order to quiet one's wandering spirit. Now that the rowdy students have left, it would behoove me to make my way over to the university, to take some photographs in some of those spaces.
   In the words of a job interviewer, I'm "only an hour away from anything worth doing!" That doesn't make up for everything that's lacking, of course, but it's something to be near enough a major metropolitan airport or three different states with only a couple hours' drive (and the important one only a couple hours past that).
   There's a "river," I guess. I should mention that.
   I'm not unhappy here. That seems an important point to make right now. At the moment when I needed to decide whether to stay or to go, my choice was to stay on and make my life here, at least while I still had a chance to do it. That's where the title quote (which is by Stephen King, from The Stand) comes in.

what you are will show in what you do

May 9: histrionic
If your attention fades from the girl for too long, she'll unconsciously do something so histrionic that you will not fail to focus on her once again.

Another in the continuing series of Interviews from my good friend BGM over at Sledding with Rosebud.

1. In relationships, do you tend to take on the role of teacher (introducing the other person to your passions and hobbies) or the role of student (soaking in the unique knowledge of the other person)?
   Yes! Let me explain. There is a Buddhist proverb to which I related instantly: "When the student is ready, the Master appears." There have been times in my life, in certain relationships, where I was very clearly "the master." The teacher. I think there is a sort of allure to that position, a sense of power, or security at least. There have been other times where I've clearly been in the presence of someone who is there to teach me something, whether by design or accident. And so I become the student, or at least accept the part. One time, as an adult, I met someone who was very obviously intending to "master" me, and failed. And I've twice met someone - in a romantic relationship, I mean - in which one of us was, with no element of choice, definitely 'the master' and the other as surely 'the student.' Both were profound, intense, fantastic, surprisingly funny, unforgettable relationships. Both burned out, spectacularly and painfully.
   I think that there is an unspoken question here: while this is what I've had, is this also what I want? The answer to that: an unequivocal Yes.
2. If there really were a blue pill and a red pill, one that sent you back to your life and the other that sent you down the rabbit hole to the unknown and possible awakening, which might you choose?
   back. Always back. I talk a good game about adventure and living on faith and going for it, but when the knife's to my throat, there is no question about what I treasure.
3. I know that books have had a profound effect on you, but is there a single movie that had a profound effect on you? Did it change your perspective or reinforce it?
   Just one single movie? That's like asking if there's just one single book - and you know how difficult it is to stick to that! How about...three?
   
   • The Professional (Léon). Until I saw it, I didn't think I liked "scary" or violent movies. Now I know that violence is just another part of the process. I also know that I LOVE Jean Reno with a bizarre obsession; I've only seen six of his movies, but I've probably watched them at least a hundred times. And Natalie Portman goes without saying. And Gary Oldman. Wow. I've got to get that DVD back...
   • Trust. It was the first Hal Hartley film that I saw--on a "free IFC weekend"--and it completely blew me away. Who makes movies like that? Who are these actors, dancing brilliantly through this deadpan script? Why can't I seem to get this film, which I've only seen on a crappy TV or on VHS (the DVD rights are still tied up in a distribution dispute) out of my mind?
     I respect and admire you.
     Is that love?
     No, that's respect and admiration.
   • Top Secret! Enormously stupid, filled with the sort of jokes that I would rather die (painfully!) than hear in front of a family member or another person I really like, and unbelievably derivative, it absolutely slays me every time I see it. I guess I like it mostly because it's proof that in at least one way, I'm 'just like everybody else.'
4. Do you dream in color or black and white? Or does it depend upon the dream?
   I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I'm not sure if I dream that way. I mean, I don't know that my dreams are "visions" exactly. I think they're more like "impressions", which are sometimes visual but more often are just...feelings. Sensations. Thoughts, maybe. Sometimes it is like watching a movie, and in those cases I think that it's in color - I mean, the question seems strange; I'm having the urge to ask if it wouldn't be impossible for a person with standard eyesight to actually dream in black and white, so I guess I must not. (Or I'm just a jerk.)
   I think I should've just said "yes."
5. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? And how about now?
   I always wanted to be a photographer, preferably for a sports team. I thought that my experience--having stalked one of our classmates throughout his high school basketball career--would serve me well. Unfortunately, once I started college and discovered that I (a) wasn't terribly skilled at "capturing arresting images," and (b) couldn't make a deadline to save my life, I had the college-me version of an existential crisis. After I got drunk for a few days, I saw my advisor, who (a) thanked the patron saint of photography (that would be Veronica, for those playing at home) for my realizations, and (b) encouraged me to take whatever classes interested me, telling me that it would work itself out eventually. He was right, sort of. In a much shorter time than I would have thought possible, I'd completed the requirements for my BA in History and was headed toward a career in...what?
   I never wanted to "do" History. Now what?
   Well, you know what I do. And so does pretty much everybody else who's reading this--and interestingly, at least four of the people who read this regularly actually DO exactly what I do, as their real jobs. (We're not a bunch known for our social abilities, so it's a rather amazing feat, that.) But is what I do, what I want to do? Nah. I mean, I love what I do; my job is great. If I could JUST. Do. My. Job., my job would be terrific. But....
   Writing. That's what I would like to do. To be. I think that if that's where the money came from--where the living came from--I would be living a happier life.

[the title quotation is by Thomas Edison]

when people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other

April 10: commensal
April 11: preposterous

I've not been in a commensal relationship with anyone in a very long time. My BFF brought a treat for me today--Fritos--and it nearly brought me to tears, having come so soon after and from much the same sentiment as sharing Easter dinner with the Cat-Beasts. My sentimentality, at times, borders on the preposterous.

---

Another in the continuing series of Interviews from my good friend BGM over at Sledding with Rosebud. Please do me--and yourself--a favor and try out the Sledding.

1. Travel. Do you do it, have you done it, where have you gone and where would you like to go? What is your personal favorite travel memory?
   I do travel, although not nearly as much as I would like. I was able to do it a lot more when I could take advantage of two incomes than I can now, alas, though I still manage to get away from home more often than one might think—just not so far away.
   Where have I gone? Let's see...:
   • Orlando, FL (spring break, sophomore year of college—by myself)
   • Bethesda, MD/Washington, D.C./Arlington, VA (multiple times)
   • Atlanta, GA (twice?)
   • Miami, FL (twice—and I'm pretty certain that it's my spiritual home)
   • Santa Fe, NM (could take it or leave it)
   • Norman/Shawnee/Oklahoma City, OK (an extremely memorable 14 days during which I started to learn the meaning of 'grace')
   • Houston, TX (let's not even start talking about my issues with birds)
   • Dallas, TX (*sigh*)
   • Lawrence, KS (if Miami wasn't my spiritual home, Lawrence probably would be. How weird is that? It's the weirdest little college town, but I totally loved it.)
   • Tupelo, MS (Hotter. Than. Hell.)
   • Toledo, OH (home of the Mudhens! and Tony Packo's! and surprisingly pretty.)
   I think you get the picture on where I've been.
   Where would I like to go? Alaska. Ireland. Spain. Canada, of course, since the bowling is supposed to be so good there. (In all seriousness, I've always wanted to go to Toronto.) New York, although NYC doesn't interest me in the least. California, of course. Greece. New Zealand.
   My personal favorite travel memory is a series of days in Bethesda, Maryland. I was there with the former spouse while he attended a professional conference. His time was taken up from dawn to dusk--or much later. I was on my own, then, for the entire day, each day, in a massive city that I'd previously known nothing about. I would wake in the morning, dress, leave the hotel (we always stayed at the perfectly-located Hyatt-Regency Bethesda, which was a happy accident as far as all this is concerned), and just start walking. Each day I would find something new to do, explore, discover. On the first day, I happened upon a French cafe called La Madeleine, so I would eat my slow breakfast there before venturing further into the unknown. I found bookstores and little shops where I could buy souvenirs that weren't lame, and art stores and clothing shops. I found places to read and restaurants where I could eat lunch by myself (and people-watch), treated well. I took lots of pictures, got lots of exercise, read more than I'd ever imagined that I could, and absolutely started to feel like a part of the city. I gained an ineffable sense of independence that would not truly flourish for a few years yet, but definitely found its roots there. I loved that trip.
2. The movie of your life is being filmed. Who portrays you on the silver screen? Who portrays some of the more "colorful" characters in your life?
   Drew Barrymore would play me, naturally, because we have the same face! She would need to wear some blue contacts, though. Darn those green eyes. As for who would play whom...I'm laughing now. Nick could be played by almost anyone, since most people who know him say he reminds them of someone famous, but it's always someone different. I would go with Christian Bale, not because he looks so much like him but because Christopher Walken and Gary Oldman are too mature for the part, and Bale is the only other actor who can play completelybatshitcrazy as well as they can. The Cat would be played by Sandra Bullock. My dad by Alan Alda, of course. My college sweetheart (choking with laughter here again) couldn't be played by anyone but Jeff Goldblum.
   I think I should prehaps stop there.
3. As long as we are on movies... how about a soundtrack? You are well known for your mix CDs, but if you could concoct one that illustrates the arc of your life so far, what would it include?
   Honey, that's just impossible. I don't think anyone's life could be summed up in 80 minutes or less, which is ~19 songs (at modern average durations). And multi-disc mixes are, y'know, less charming and more tedious.
   How about this: I can tell you some artists that would absolutely have to be included--though this is not a complete list!:
   • Rod Stewart
   • Helen Reddy
   • Paul Simon
   • Fine Young Cannibals
   • Duran Duran
   • The Nylons
   • Depeche Mode
   • R.E.M.
   • Toby Keith
   • Pearl Jam
   • Alkaline Trio
4. The Zombie Apocalypse has descended upon us and you have joined forces with a small group of survivors. What role do you assume in the group?
   historian, I suppose. Or "scout."
   Or prehaps "zombie liaison"--heee heee!
5. Do you find yourself laughing more or less as you get older? What kind of things really make you laugh most?
   less. I think that's normal, with the onset of Responsibilities. I still laugh regularly with my friends, and at the television shows and movies that I choose to watch and books I read. There are a couple of people who can regularly bring tears to my eyes and make my stomach hurt because they're just...funny in the right way: The Cat & her Beast; D (of D&R). A couple of my Facebook-only friends, who probably don't even realize how hilarious I think they are (intentionally or not).
   I was walking through the grocery store last night with a huge grin on my face, just about busting out laughing because I'd overheard someone doing something funny. I can't even recall what it was right now, but I do remember getting vaguely amused/concerned looks from other people, as if there was something wrong with me. For smiling? All righty then. If that's all it takes: go ahead and lock me up.

[the title quotation is by Alan Alda]

having been both, I can’t be either

March 13: chicane

No more chicanery; if it doesn't come to me the right way 'round, then it's not meant to be.

March 14: lacuna

Is it too much to say, that I've come to realize that you're the lacuna in my heart?

 

Volume III of a continuing series of interviews from my friend BGM over at Sledding with Rosebud...

1. One of my favorite shows, Black Books, has a main male character who is a misanthrope, yet somehow endearing. The same goes for House. That seems to be a recurring theme in many shows and movies. Do you believe it is possible for a female character to be misanthropic and yet endearing?
   ah, but it seems that you're assuming that I agree that it's possible for a male character to be a misanthrope and also endearing! I've not seen Black Books, so I have to leave that aside.
   House...House is a problem. I'd seen a few episodes here and there, thought I kind of liked the extraordinarily high intellectual level of the show--and I adore Robert Sean Leonard--so I decided to give it a closer viewing. I bought the first season on DVD, and before I was through the first disc I'd bought the second season. And so forth, through six seasons. I watched every moment (and many more than once, to gather every nuance). And then I stopped. Because those characters...they are AWFUL to each other! None of them has a shred of decency or compassion or realism; none of them could survive in the world, treating other people so wretchedly. And to pretend that they are colleagues, and friends! And lovers, and spouses! It's beyond the pall. And the worst of them, of course, by far, is House. He rarely does anything decent at all (other than to save lives--and really, it's a small part skill and mostly luck, not compassion or concern, that leads him to do so). And when he does something terrible, and they pull one of those close-ups of his "regretful" face...UGH. Nope, it doesn't make up. "There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience." [Laurence J. Peter]
   Those who cannot learn from experience are socially impaired.
   As with so many of the questions you've posited, I can't really answer this one in the way it was presented--I don't think? Maybe it's a function of my age, or my profoundly concrete single-ness, or my education, or my frustration with having appreciated House on certain levels but coming to completely despair of it to the degree that I cannot stand to watch another moment...but misanthropy just isn't appealing at all.
2. Have you ever read a book and thought, 'I could write a better ending than that!' Is there a book you have read where you would either change the ending, or change the story to make it work more effectively?
   Squeeze Play, by Jane Leavy. The protagonist ends up with the wrong man! That makes it sound romance-y and lame, but it's an extraordinary book about baseball that I love with a passion, terrifically well-written and both hilarious and touching. Within the first quarter of the book, the main character--a female sportswriter--breaks up with her boyfriend (a famous news journalist) when he cheats on her with a fellow reporter. Along the way, she develops a relationship with a player on the baseball team that she's been assigned to follow. Inappropriate? Sure. "Inevitable"? Not hardly. But carefully written and well reasoned, it happens.
   And then, in the end, she bails on the good guy (hiding behind her job), and goes back to the cheater. It's one of those end-of-the-book tie-it-up-nicely-with-a-ribbon moments that make me want to chuck a book against the wall.
   That example was easy, but there are lots of others. Here's one that might get a comment or two: I HATE the dragons, in "A Song of Ice and Fire."
3. Because I found these so intriguing when you asked me... Choose or Die:
   
   • Car with no radio or car with no air conditioning
     no air conditioning. Easy enough to roll down the windows, yes? And I would go bonkers on a trip of any length with no music.
   • Great Sense of Humor or Highly Intelligent and Conversant
     presuming that this is a quality in a theoretical significant other...
     holy crap, I don't know. My former spouse was the epitome of Highly Intelligent and Conversant. We had profoundly rewarding conversations right up until the end of our marriage.
     And then I dated Nick, who had (at times) a Great Sense of Humor. He was delightful company—when he could be bothered to pay attention to me at all.
     I'll have to take "die" on this one!
   • Poetry or Prose
     prose. Surprised? I love poetry, but even I get a little weary by the end of April.
   • East Coast or West Coast
     ye gods. Let me start off with a disclaimer: I've never actually visited either coast, and some of my best friends, blah blah blah.
     I think I'm a right-coaster, temperamentally speaking, though I aspire toward left-ness. For that reason, I'm probably drawn more toward West Coasters. I wouldn't want to spend all my time surrounded by sunny people, but the alternative seems depressing.
   • Pancakes or Waffles
     pancakes. I do like a good waffle now and then, but pancakes stay warm longer!
4. When meeting someone new, what is the first physical feature you tend to notice?"
   eyes. I nearly fell backward down a flight of stairs today, thanks to this very experience.
5. Is there a word, that for one reason or another, you just simply do not like? If there is a particular reason, please feel free to share it.
   'schism'--and the reason is HORRIBLE and must remain untold. {{{shudder}}}

[the title quotation is by Jane Leavy, from Squeeze Play, and reads in its entirety: “I can’t imagine what he must be feeling; I can’t let myself. And I can’t do anything about it except make everything worse. I wasn’t supposed to be his lover. I wasn’t even supposed to be his friend. Now, having been both, I can’t be either....”]

everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody

A newer reader - who is also a friend from way back - has relaunched The Interview Game. I've known bgm, who blogs at Sledding with Rosebud, since we were...wow, in elementary school, I think. In the course of recent conversations about our blogs, we contemplated various ideas to have more input on content for each others' sites, and this was one of the plans we had. I hope it answers your thoughtful questions, B., and that it suitably entertains the rest of y'all.

1. Your experiences in the realm of relationships have ranged from sublime to surreal. It might be tempting to become self-critical, but what do you see in yourself as a real treasure?
   "That's your first question? I thought this was supposed to be a puff piece." (It's a Zissou quote.) Don't be fooled--I am legitimately self-critical. All the time. To be fair, though, I probably was that way even before I started racking up relationship stories that are infinitely more surreal than sublime.
   I am a good listener. I can be fully quiet, attentive, thoughtful. I can ask the right questions or say nothing at all when the situation merits it. I am perfectly comfortable with silence, too, when that's mutually agreeable. I don't need to be entertained (although I've come to realize that it's sometimes easier to be entertained than to explain why I don't require it). When I am with my friends - real friends, people about whom I really care - there is nowhere else I would rather be.
2. It's a jungle out there, and we tend to wear masks to protect ourselves. Do you have a particular mask that protects you most often?
   “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” [Oscar Wilde]
   It depends. At work, there are various, one for each audience. Most often, I am probably "super-efficient, slightly cranky, and my tasks mysterious to every onlooker." At the rare times when I need to venture into the public areas, I effect a mien of blandness and boredom that is confusing enough that I am almost never presumed to actually work there. (Thank God.) In meetings, I am the one who sits in the back corner, muttering clever comments (or writing them in the margins of my agenda), making my friends laugh and getting them into trouble. I always look like the innocent one....
   Within my family of origin, I just try to stay out of it. Silence, 95% of the time, is golden, so I bite my tongue a lot. Nobody "wins" arguments that start from there anyway.
   Socially, I can be The Snark (most often), The Flirt (which is the hardest to admit), and The Lawyer. I'm sure there are others, but those are the big three that leap to mind. The Snark makes sharp fun wherever possible, particularly at herself. Although she's witty and funny, undeniably, there's also an edge that leaves a bitter taste. The Flirt - does it go without saying? - gets me into ridiculous trouble with ridiculous, inappropriate people (and sometimes even appropriate people crossing lines left and right). I could have called that one "Absence of Impulse-control" because it's more than just flirting, veering (although thankfully not too far, anymore) into the entire manic realm. Driving too fast (always), spending without considering the ramifications, drinking to excess. Adolescent behavior that's hard to countenance in an adult. And The Lawyer, while sometimes fascinating and something of which to be proud, is also hard to control and embarrassing at times. It's intellectually pulling rank, often out of the blue, and doesn't have to relate to the law. Every lawyer does this. Push me too hard, push at the wrong time, or push someone I care about in the wrong way, and I'll use my brain and my mouth to murder you - or just make you wish you were dead. There are times when The Lawyer is particularly handy (e.g. after waiting too long in line or on hold, or when dealing with another lawyer, or with someone who's underestimated me based on some preconceived notion that's utterly false) and I wouldn't wish it away, but I also wish it were easier to control once it comes out. For that matter, The Snark's got a mind of its own and travels on greased wheels, and so does The Flirt.
3. No one struggles alone. If there was one trait you value most in a friend, what would that be?
   My best friends are smart and clever (fast wit, fast thinkers), book-lovers, aesthetes who like food and music and art (even if we disagree about what "art" means) and clothes and shoes and nail polish. They like salons where they are treated well - to say "pampered" implies a degree of indulgence that is inaccurate, but to say that they appreciate a good haircut, products that keep their skin soft and smelling nice, and people who treat them like they belong, that's more like it. And of course they love me to distraction.
   But what one trait do I value the most in them? Each of them loves animals. And when you think about it, loving animals - whether or not you live with them, bring them into your home, buy their kibble or change their box or muck their stall or supply carrots when they meep - means that you have room in your heart for someone who might not be able to give back what you give to them. But you care for them anyway, just because you can, and you do, and that's the kind of person you are, who you are capable of being. What better kind of people could I choose to be around? How much more forgiving, hopeful, loving friends could I have, than that?
4. The time machine awaits. Thankfully, no matter what you do in the past, nothing will have an effect on the march of history. Who do you go back and see, what experiences do you want to live through, or what time period and place beckon to you?
   Brace yourself.
   I want to go to Ireland in 1912 or so, and stay there through the early 1930s. I want to see, for myself, what Partition did, and meant, to real people. And what the war was like, and how wrong my ideas of power and nationalism and patriotism are.
   And then I want to go to Spain, for the Civil War. While I'm there, I want to punch Hemingway in the face, but that's another story. I want to see just how much Germany helped Franco - and set the stage for Franco (and Spain) to help Germany a few years later. And I kind of want to punch Franco in the face, too.
   And then I want to go to Switzerland during the war (WWII). I know they did so much, and I want to go back and catch 'em.
5. Life amongst books isn't all bad. Aside from the obvious exposure to books, what about your current employment do you find bearable, or even pleasurable?
   Friends, old and new. I've met some of the best people in my life there, or because of there. I mean, I can't take it back to butterfly theory, but a lot of great people have come into my life because I've been there. Three of my best friends. An ex-boyfriend, who is if nothing else a source of surreal stories. And a couple of other good guy friends.
   I've also gained some skills. Admittedly, not too many of them are transferable to any other field, since what we do is so specific. And odd. And fraught with shelf-life.
   Those books, though - they're awesome!

[title quotation by Mark Twain, from Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894]

interview game, take VII

Questions from a new reader.

1. What book have you read that you originally disliked--hated even--but at a later date reread and found that you in fact enjoyed? We're starting with a tough one. I don't think I've ever read a book all the way through, disliked (or hated) it, and then intentionally read it again. That's just...ugh. Life is too damned short. The best alternative answer I can come up with, though, is to say that there are some books that I've started reading, disliked (or hated), but stuck with, and at some point they've transformed into something wonderful. A few of these are very memorable. Totally worth reading.
   • A Canticle for Leibowitz (Walter Miller)--the best speculative fiction I've ever read. Science fiction for people who don't like science fiction.
   • The Reader (Bernhard Schlink)--World War II fiction is hard for me; my mind keeps yammering, "But it's not true!" even if the setting fascinates me more than any other. This is a doozy of a book. It left me reeling, once I got into it.
   • Three Junes (Julia Glass)--the worst book I've ever loved. Or the best book I've ever hated. I started it, forced myself through the first few chapters, and set it aside with extreme disinterest. A few months later, with nothing good to read, I picked it up again. Flipped through the beginning to reacquaint myself, and started reading in earnest from the point where I'd left off. I don't think I stopped until the book was done, and I loved it. The characters, setting, plot, theme, the dialog, everything. I wish I could go back in time to when I hadn't read it, just so I could experience that again.
2. With nerds and geeks (apparently) becoming less stigmatized, what nerd/geek (from history or your experience) do you think would benefit from a benevolent reexamination of his or her standing as a nerd or a geek? That's easy: Sleek. The former IT guy at the place where I work. Not sure whether he self-identifies more as a nerd or geek, but he's a good one, and a good guy, and more well-rounded than previously believed. I think that the 'benevolent reexamination' is possible thanks to his transformation from "just" the IT guy to multi-faceted adult. He's a homeowner, dog-companion, boyfriend (no, not mine!), corporate jet traveler (yeah, not at that same job anymore, either), tornado chaser, beer-crafter, home renovator, soccer and hockey player, and all-around interesting person. And he almost always remembers to bring back a shot glass for me when he's away on business, which is remarkable given our somewhat rocky past. That's our Sleek: more than just the scowl in big shoes.
3. If you were in Ireland right now, what would you be doing? I suppose that depends upon whether I was alone or had company, how long I could stay, and what my financial situation might be during my stay. If I paid for my transportation to Ireland right now, I'd be screwed, 'cause I'm fairly certain that couldn't pay to get back! But while we're being fanciful... I would be drinking, in whatever local drinking establishments I could find. And drinking whatever local brews came recommended by the locals, not some Americanized crap. I would be eating, bravely. I do not have a widely-traveled palate, but I would set it free and tell it to be adventurous. What came my way, I would try. Who knows what I could find? I would be photographing everything. I wouldn't want to waste my once-in-a-lifetime experience by hiding behind a camera and not really seeing what was before me, but at the same time I want to capture enough that there's something to look back on during those long hot days in the smelly, boring American Midwest. When I see the pictures, I remember how it feels. I would be writing. My journal would fill. I would be walking. How better to see it? And smell it? And feel it on my face? The biggest thing, the one thing that I want out of Ireland? I want to sit on a rock, and watch the water. Which water? Which rock? Which coast? Any. All. Whichever. I don't care. All of them. Whatever. That's not the point. I just wish I had a river.
4. Your lease is up and you have decided to build a house. Cost is no object but you want a sensible house. What are the major features your house of practicality has? I've got to tell you, "sensible" and "practical" are difficult words for me to reconcile with the phrase "cost is no object."
   • 3 bedrooms
     • the master bedroom doesn't have to be huge, but I would like it large enough to have a dresser. I haven't had one (no room for one) in 6 years. If the master bedroom could be on the darkest, quietest corner of the house, that would be good, too.
     • a medium-sized bedroom that doubles as an office, with room for a bed and a desk setup that's not facing the bed. I'd never get anything done if I was staring at a bed all day when I'm supposed to be working.
     • another medium-sized bedroom that doubles as a library. I've heard some criticism that all the books in my bedroom are "intimidating."
   • a kitchen with windows. A gas range. A super-quiet dishwasher. A ridiculously well-insulated refrigerator that does not share a wall with the master bedroom.
   • a porch/patio/deck (for outdoor container plants)
   • generally: sunny, light rooms, and wall space for furniture and art
   • finished basement. I want a pool table again.
   • 2-car attached garage
   • if all of this could happen somewhere within view of the northern Mississippi, so much the better
5. What's the best scoring Scrabble word you can use to describe yourself? Feel free to place your letters anywhere on the board, but you can only use 7 letters. Presuming the word "ion" has been placed (this is Scrabble, after all, so I've got to hook those 7 letters to something!), and that the letter "O" is using a Double-Letter Score between two Triple Word Scores (and there are no other letters already placed between those Scores), I am 'functional'. This would net 185 points: 15 for the initial tile score, multiplied by 3 (45), multiplied by 3 (135) for the double-triple, plus 50 for using all seven tiles. 185. Lame descriptor, but kick-ass Scrabble word!

The Official Interview Game Rules 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions-- each person's will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

forced to answer

1. No cop-out answers allowed: which 5 CDs would you least likely give up?
   
1. Meatloaf, Bat out of Hell. It always makes me laugh, and sigh, and sing along.
2. Handel's Watermusic. Peaceful and lovely.
3. A mix that I've made of some favorites from my Sister Hazel CDs (named after coworker T).
4. Fuel, Something Like Human. Their version of "Daniel" is enough to make me choose this.
5. A mix that I made for Ulysses a couple of months ago.
   
2. You've written that you watch both Law & Order and CSI. Which of each series do you like the best, and which is your least favorite? Why?
   
   • Top CSI: the original (Las Vegas). They have a sense of humor and a lack of pretense that all the rest lack.
   • Bottom CSI: New York. I love the cast, but they're just tooooooo New-Yawk-ish. I can't forget that it's "TV drama" that I'm watching.
   • Top L & O: the original, currently starring Jeremy Sisto. He's a character. And I like the primarily action-oriented focus. (Though Criminal Intent is a close second, 'cause I LOVE D'Onofrio!)
   • Bottom L & O: SVU. Too overwrought and depressing, and also surprisingly misogynistic considering the premise. (Have you noticed that the guys are referred to by last name, but "Olivia" is always "Olivia"?)
3. Describe your best college memory.
   I met DB when we were freshmen, both taking Mass Communications classes. I was somewhat distractable (understatement!) and she was, if I had to guess, a little overwhelmed. We spent time together outside of class - not regularly, but just every now and then. We would trade stories about our pathetic social lives, eat (often at the diner), and laugh our asses off. The best was when we'd rent paddles and balls from the student union and play ping pong. We were SO bad; it was SO funny. Ping--oops!--ping--pong--ping--damn!--ping--sorry!--ping--pong--shit!--ping--
4. Are you a feminist?
   No. I am a humanist.
5. You've said that you have no regrets, or at least that it doesn't do any good to think about it. How about this: what one perception (or self-perception) would you like to revise, and why?
   I believed for a long time that my relationship with Nick was more "valid" or had a better chance of survival than that that I had with Johnnie, simply because it was local and not long-distance. But it is obvious in retrospect that the physical immediacy with Nick was a poor substitute for the emotional intensity and connection with Johnnie. I would give anything to be able to go back and know how worthy he was, and I was, and we were.

[this interview was submitted by an anonymous reader via email]

so far, so good: interview #1

These interview questions came from The Cat. (You had to know that she would be first, right?)

1. Who do you want to be in 5 years? Me, only different. I will be 43 then (wow!). Wouldn't it be lovely if I were "settled" by then? Attached in some meaningful way to a career (not a job), a home (not a cube in which to store my stuff), a life (not an assemblage of random life-like habits and routines), and perhaps a man (not a man-like boy whose main focus could never be me)? My loans will have been paid for four years. I will have held my license for 14 years. (oh God, that is so fucking depressing) Really, the rest of it doesn't matter. The stuff, the "where", the details? They don't matter. I only want to be happy.
2. Which one person currently in your circle of friends/family would you be able to tolerate seeing every single remaining day of your life? You can set up whatever stipulations you want, but you have to spend a chunk of time with him/her daily. That is a surprisingly easy one: no one. If I've learned nothing else from the events of the past five or so years, at least I know that I am far too independent to intentionally put myself under the spell of another person that way again. Vacations - whether literal or metaphorical - are VITAL to the health, strength, and depth of a relationship. Yeah. I love y'all, but it's good sometimes to be by myself.
3. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Colors? Shapes? Black nothingness? I see black, with shadows. It's kind of like my dreams, which are often colored in a weird, psychedelic fashion; much of what I see is black-on-black, or dark blue in vague shapes. Whatever it is, it couldn't be accurately described as "nothingness." There's always something. Never a dull moment - rarely a dull day.
4. Describe a typical day in your life 25 years ago. 25 years ago, I was 13 years old. I was a third of the way through 8th grade. Um, this is a little weird; exactly 25 years, 6 days ago, I was enjoying my first kiss. That was a quantum shift in my social and psychological lives. Before the kiss (BK) I was just a sort of shy dork who *really* liked Duran Duran (I was a special fan of Simon leBon, unlike all my friends who went for the more obvious John Taylor) and played volleyball. Since the kiss (AK) I have realized that there is much more to life than music and sports.... A typical day went thusly: Awake around 6:30, I would eat breakfast while reading the newspaper. Having showered the night before, I would throw on whatever crazy 80s outfit I'd chosen for the day (yes, I was a superbig devotee of pegged jeans and baggy shirts that camouflaged my just-appearing, er, physique) and floof my hair up as much as possible. Which was never enough. Because my hair is unapologetically flat and floofless. It pretends to floof, but only until I've left the building, at which point it careens back its lifeless nature. So. Anyway. The bus came at 7:30. I was one of the first 5 or so kids picked up, so it was a l-o-o-o-n-g ride. If my friends (neighbor girls, a set of twins my age and their 1-year-younger sister) were riding, too, then we'd usually just chatter all the way. If I was by myself, I would scrunch down in my seat with my knees up on the seat in front of me - braced in - and sleep the whole way. I was paranoid about sleeping through my stop, but by that point it was too noisy to miss. School was fun for me, but it was socially complicated (of course). I loved learning, reading, doing math problems, nomenclature in science, conjugating verbs in Spanish.... And I was microscopically skinny and socially awkward and interested in boys but had no clue what to do with them. Classes came and went. I probably spent the majority of the day blabbing with my idiot friends about whatever idiot boys by whom they (and I) were obsessed. There were intermittent periods of learning along the way. After school, I would pop over to the East building (my junior high was in two buildings separated by a North-South street), down to the basement to the GLR (girls' locker room), and change into my practice clothes for volleyball. I wasn't great, but I got by and played in every game. At the end of the season, I was voted "most spirited" by my teammates. Yeah, can you imagine?! At 5:30, we would break from practice. I would shower, change, and dress for the ride home. I rode "the late bus", which was a weird abbreviated route. Though I rode the one that went directly past my house, I could have caught any from that company (in the state in which I grew up, busing is a private concern and not at all run by the schools); their HQ was about 1/2 mile from my house. Once home (by probably 6:30 or 7:00) I would eat something (leftovers or cereal, probably) while starting my homework. There would be any number of phone calls from friends (and the occasional boy) and some TV. I would gobble a few hundred more calories while finishing my homework and before I headed to bed (no PJs, even then) around 11 or 12.
5. Why are you collecting Coke Codes? What are you saving for? Why? Because I drink enough Coke to float a boat. Because some genetic weakness (on my mother's side, thank you very little) makes me especially prone to "free stuff" - even more when it's an intangible "stuff" that I may or may not need. Because it's there. What fer? I'm every so slowly assembling a "this is your life" photo album (via Kodakgallery.com) for my niece. The final chapter (of this book!!!) is her son's first birthday. There is the slimmest chance that it could be finished by Christmas....

Thanks, Cat! Keep 'em coming, people!

here's your chance

A couple of years ago, a wonderful blog-friend named Johnnie Walker introduced me to the Interview Game. He posted an interview submitted to him by a reader. At the end, he offered to interview, in turn, anyone who was willing to answer five questions. 

Here are The Official Interview Game Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions-- each person's will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.  My first set of interview questions was submitted by Johnnie, and answered here. The second came from Robert, and are answered here. The third came from The Cat, and are answered here. The fourth came from J.R., and are answered here. I am offering the same deal again, now that we've all known each other (in a manner of speaking) for a while and there is probably more that ought to be revealed, if only we knew what others wanted to know. That said, if you'd like to be interviewed, please leave an "interview me" comment. If you want to interview me, please submit a list of 5 questions to my email (shown at the bottom of the main page or any other address that you might have for me). This should be quite something!

[former friend]'s Interview

[former friend]'s Interview, For Amy: 

1. I know what you look like, but in your online life you consist, visually, of childhood photos and pictures of your feet. Why did you choose your feet, rather than, say, your hands, or your knees, or your hair? The foot thing started out with simple ego--I wanted to show off my new shoes, which I thought were pretty cool. That, in turn, got the attention of a certain someone. And that just spiraled out of control. Now my Friendster page is pretty much devoted to my feet and the worship thereof (although my "about me" line ought to be enough to ward off anyone who's not completely insane!). My hands are functional but pretty boring. I almost never polish my fingernails. And the scars and things show more than I'm interested in revealing. My knees: scars. Funny stories, but not worth photographing (I don't think?) My hair. Hmm. That's an interesting one. Perhaps I will start doing hair photos?  

2. You've recently divorced your husband. Do you think this was the biggest change you've ever made in your life, or do you think that divorce has an overrated importance in our culture? The divorce itself was not the biggest change I've ever made. It was followed by, and in some ways precipitated, the big changes. I couldn't have gone through with the divorce if I didn't first figure out that I am OK alone. That was huge for me. I don't think that there is anything else about which I've thought so much, worried so much, and in the end, had more panic attacks about. Simply realizing that I could fall asleep without someone in the house with me--that was a much bigger deal than the half-hour court appearance. There are a zillion other things--financial and social primarily, but in lots of other areas, too--that changed along with my marital status. And those things will stay with me for a lot longer than the pain, hurt and sadness of the end of the marriage. You asked, "do you think that divorce has an overrated importance in our culture?" I'm not sure that I can answer that, generally. My only experience with divorce is my own. My brother went through one, as did my sister. A friend or two, too, including one whose court date I attended. But, hmm. "Overrated," in terms of the catastrophic implications that are placed on it? Yes, I think so. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, and it usually isn't. It certainly wasn't for me and the ex. He's happier now than I've ever seen him--ever. And I, while still retaining my ability to see the rain, even in white puffy clouds, am also more content. My life is mine, now. So, in that sense, there's nothing overrated about divorce: it's the best thing I've ever done. No, not "best", but most important, definitely.  

3. I know what your favorite book is, but what's your favorite movie? Why? Oof, what a deceptively difficult question to answer! So I'll cop out and give a short list (which I recently wrote, verbatim, to a friend who lives out of the country). If I want to laugh, then Top Secret!. It's dated but still makes me snort with laughter every time. If I want to be frightened, then Manhunter. It terrifies me, even though I know what's coming. If I want to think, then...The Professional, perhaps, or Dead Poet's Society. I also like the A&E version of Tom Jones, which is sort of racy & bizarre but fun. Although I've seen exponentially more movies in the past six months than I had in the decade before, I still don't consider myself "a movie person." Maybe I'm not selective enough--it takes a lot for me to say that I didn't like something. I even got a life lesson from The Village, so I clearly must be insane...or utterly without critical skills!  

4. Which of your higher educational degrees do you feel most proud of, and why? Ah, there's the rub! I'm not fond of the degrees at all. It's the education that I value. So. How to answer this? My bachelor's degree (B.A., History, hometown State University, 1992) taught me how to write less. How to persevere. How to do what I didn't want to do because I had to do it. My law degree (J.D., Flatland University, 1999) taught me how to cooperate. How to float above myself and just do what needed to be done rather than thinking about what I was doing. And, in the end, it taught me that I can do whatever the fuck I please and get away with it. My master's degree (M.A., History, Grad University, 2004) taught me...to write more. How to persevere. And how, when it was the last thing in the world that I wanted, to shut up and do it. What am I the most proud of? The M.A., because I didn't give in to the great, overwhelming desire to just chuck it all and know that no one would give a shit if I didn't finish. I would have been devastated, to have failed. Not much of an expression of "pride," is it.  

5. Since we know, now, how you feel about sex in libraries, describe the strangest acceptable behavior you've ever seen in a library. (Because we all know that people can stay within the bounds of the rules and still be pretty odd.) ~ Two local juveniles were caught in the ladies' room, in a stall, together. When asked what they were doing (or some such question) they replied, "We were having an intimate time together." ~ The directrix once demonstrated "pet yoga" on the floor of my office. Not with a pet, but by herself. ~ A female patron was asked to leave because she was being disruptive. As she walked down the stairs (into the HUGE, high-ceilinged foyer), she hollered at the top of her lungs to the staff member who'd requested her absence, "YOU'RE JUST A CUNT! A FUCKING CUNT! YOU FUCKING CUNT!" ~ The former Head of Adult Services. How can I limit her appearance, behavior, etc., to just one thing? She was a walking disaster, at least in relation to this place. I realize that a couple of those are not "acceptable" activities, but they do number among the things I've seen. In this hick town of 12,000 or so people. What must big city libraries be like?!

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The Official Interview Game Rules 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions-- each person's will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.