rain has the power to hypnotize

1. If you could have witnessed one event from your family's history, what would you want to see? 

    my parents' wedding. There are not many photos, but those that I've seen look happy, silly, and so very different from my life's experience. My parents were dancing! And my paternal grandfather, who died before I was born, looks bluff and hearty, a little drunk, and full of joy and spit and vinegar.

2. If you had to name the one thing that most frightens you about growing old, what would it be? 

    living too long, past my social and practical and emotional utility, alone. Becoming an old person in all the hardest ways.  

3. If you could give hair back to any balding person you know, who would you pick? 

    my big brother. He's fine without it, and would certainly never ask for it, but he's a good guy and might like to have it back. Plus, it would keep his noggin warmer in the winter.  

4. If you had to name some things that really make your day, what would they be? 

    good sleep, a tasty apple, real personal mail, a winning scratch-off lottery ticket, a bonus at work, or indoor plants blooming (especially when it is unexpected). A nice, hard rain, especially when there's nowhere to be but home. 

5. If you could have the chance to see what has become of one childhood friend, who would you choose to find out about? 

    I haven't had a drink, or whatever, with The Emerald Man in far too long. 14 years or so?! We keep apprised of major developments on FB, and I follow him on IG (though he doesn't know it), and rumor has it he reads here from time to time. Face to face, though...it's better.

6. If you had to describe the perfect retirement home, what would it be like? 

    quiet, peaceful, and in a walking-friendly neighborhood. Safe, accessible, and easy-care. Located in a town with good options for service providers of all kinds, such as home maintenance and hairstyling and medical. Grocery delivery. Great lighting, especially near a state of the art, ergonomically advanced jigsaw-puzzling station.

7. If you had to eat the cooking of one person you know personally for the rest of your life, whose would you want it to be? 

    my mom. She makes all of the family specials that cannot or ought not to be explained to or shared with anyone else. She can make gravy that will make anything in the world taste even better. Her breakfasts are plentiful and wonderful, and an indelible reminder of growing up. And she can cook with a pressure cooker—!!!—to bring out the juicy deliciousness of my favorite home meal, roast beast.

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Haruki Murakami, from South of the Border, West of the Sun]

though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 

    my high school friend Andrew. He's gone on to not-unexpected good things that I'd like to know more about.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 

    sure, why not? Make me a famous writer—but only after I've died and my brilliance is unexpectedly discovered.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 

    is there any point in working out? If I keep exercising as I have been, even at my best, will it make any difference at all in my life? Is it literally just a waste of time? Ought I to be spending those minutes, even hours, doing something joyful? Is it worth all the blisters, aches, bug bites, sunburns, and complaining? Will I ever fit into that dress? Will I spend my entire life second-guessing what I eat, or over taking a nap instead of a walk, or even prioritizing work or play or relaxing over a workout?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

    sure. I've dreamed of shaving my head a few times lately. Why haven't I done it? It's getting on toward winter in this part of the world, and hair provides a little insulation.

    I've dreamed of having a pool table in my basement. Why not? It would cost an absolute fortune to buy a table and have it installed in my basement, which is not quite big (nor the ceilings tall) enough to play comfortably. It would also throw off doing anything else down there.

    I've also dreamed of visiting Iceland, and it hasn't happened because: I can't take that much time off work; also can't afford to get there or, once there, to do anything adventurous; I've heard that even trying to photograph the scenery is depressing because it's so awesome in person and so hard to translate to a still image; and, I wouldn't enjoy a vacation like that on my own. 

25. Make three true “we” statements about someone you love.

    • We have a similar dry, sly, bizarre sense of humor. Most people don't really 'get' us at first (or ever).

    • We both love homemade bread. I prefer it slathered with salty butter, and they prefer it plain or in a sandwich.

    • We become more alike as we age. The sense of humor, the intolerance for people who drain our energy, the repugnance for leaving the house at all at least one day a week (which happens to be Sunday for both of us), the preference for hometown hardware stores to national chains (because they are staffed by people who can quickly and skillfully locate just the right whatever you need, rather than wandering endless aisles of screws or pipe adhesive or plant food) and so on.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...“ 

    life, pizza, bed, politics, sweatshirts, vacation, milkshakes, long quiet walks, heads of lettuce, real kisses, laundry...

[based on "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings" by Arthur Aron, et. al, and adapted from "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Modern Love" by Daniel Jones, published January 9, 2015—a 9-year-old article that remains behind a paywall here but is republished in plenty of other places; the title quotation is by Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest]

it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of you

1. If you could inherit a comfortable home in any city in the world that you could use but not sell, where would you want it to be? 

    Miami, Florida. I know, there's loads of wrong with that—the state is a cesspool, Miami is crime-ridden and somewhat seedy, there are more beautiful/accessible/quiet places to spend time. Blah blah blah. The descent toward MIA the first time I visited was a revelation, felt like coming home, and has stuck with me since. If I could have a house there, even to visit just once a year, I'd be happy as a pig in mud. Just to be able to look at that sky, that water, that architecture so different from that to which I am accustomed...it sounds like heaven.

    NOTE: well, if you ever wondered about the pros and cons of pre-posting, this is an excellent example. I hope it's obvious that this answer was drafted before Hurricane Milton made himself known and threatened the U.S., and that my natural flippancy was written more innocently than it seems now.

2. If you had to eliminate one odor from the earth, which one would you get rid of? 

    pet food. Not sure what the ingredient is, but something about it makes me gag every time I smell it. It's force of will alone that keeps me from vomiting every time.

3. If you could relive one romantic date from high school just as it was, which would it be? 

     this made me laugh out loud. A "romantic" date from high school?? Whomever wrote this prompt must have lived a different high school experience than mine. 

    The most romantic situation I was in, I suppose, was a marathon phone call with my 10th grade boyfriend, when we sketched an idealized picture of how we wanted our lives to turn out (together, of course). Prince was involved, perhaps playing (live) quietly in the background, and it all took place in a sort of secluded meadow or glen, and featured the colors blue and green extensively. 

    Coincidentally, that bf happens to have friended me on FB less than a month ago. There's been no resumption of that fantasy-talk, thank goodness, just grown up friendship from a long distance.   

4. If you could sing any one song beautifully and perfectly, which one would you pick? 

    "Untitled" by R.E.M., from Green

5. If you were to receive a letter today from anyone you have known during your lifetime, who would it be from and what would it say?

    I'd love to get a real letter from a certain person that I used to date. As for what it would say, that would have to depend on that person, right? That's the part of it that I really want—to know what they would choose to write.

6. If you could be a guest on any television talk show, which would it be? 

    The Graham Norton Show. Graham is smart, hilarious, well-informed, a little cheeky, and has a brilliant way of putting his guests at ease (and it's not just the booze). The unexpected chemistry between guests is wonderful and has resulted in some of my favorite things to watch. (See, e.g., Greg Davies+Ryan Gosling, and this example of fans' fascination with the couch pairings).

7. If you could relive one single day from your past exactly as it was the first time, what day would you choose to experience all over again? 

    the first day of getting to know the person in #5, above. Have you ever met someone and felt like you've known them forever, yet also wanted nothing more than to know everything else about them? It was a troubling sort of intensity and communion that I've never experienced with anyone else.

 

[from If...Questions for the Game of Life; the title quotation is by Charlotte Brontë, from Jane Eyre]

take it easy, but take it

1. Do you think we'd be better or worse off if we always knew when we were being deceived? How might society be different if everyone had to tell the truth all the time? 

    Logically, if we always knew when we were being deceived, then we would never be deceived. The question, then, becomes "Do you think we'd be better or worse off if we were never deceived?" Because everyone could tell the truth or not, and the telling would not matter—the truth would be known, regardless.

    Is deception inherently bad? Does it serve any social or emotional purpose? Should people who don't tell the truth be shot on sight?

    It obviously serves a purpose. It feels good to tell a small lie ("it's delicious!") where the actual truth ("the food that you just made, especially for me, does not taste good") does nothing but hurt the recipient. This is the "does my butt look big in this dress" quality of untruth: if your significant other asks that question while wearing the dress, preparing to go to a party, there is NO value in telling the truth (which is opinion anyway, not fact). The time for revelations like that is not ripe. 

    There is also an emotional value to deception. Imagine being out with a work friend, not long after suffering a breakup. The friend asks how you're doing, knowing that something's been wrong but not having the details. "I'm good, thanks!" feels good to say, when the last thing you want to do is wallow, and when being out with friends distracts from the sadness. It might not be strictly true, but maybe it's a start.

2. If you could use a device to create a minute-by-minute archive of precisely where you'd been, would you? If so, what would you do with it, and would anything worry you about others getting the information? 

    I absolutely would, but it would be scrubbed regularly to delete all the non-essential, embarrassing, or depressing content. Which would, on the average day, leave nothing behind. Most peoples' lives are a quiet hum of normal, interspersed with brief interruptions of fun, exciting, disturbing, or noteworthy (for example). Nobody needs a permanent record of me making tea for the millionth time, or repotting plants, or standing at the closet door internally whining that I have nothing to wear. However, there are lots of things in life whose significance we do not recognize until later. That sunset, so stunning that we walked outside to silently view it, together? That meal, the one that turned out particularly well—how, exactly, did I customize the recipe? The particularly endearing compliment, brushed off in the moment? The last time you reached out to hold my hand? The last of anything, really. I would love to be able to review those moments.

    Would anything worry me about others getting the information? Well, if that would be the case, then I ought to be worried about doing it in the first place. 

3. Do you believe in capital punishment? Would you be willing to pull the switch to execute a man sentenced to death if you were randomly selected by the courts to do so and knew he would go free if you refused? Assume you know nothing about his crime. 

    yes, I believe in capital punishment. I believe that there are actions that a person can take, decisions that a person can make, that are so bad that nothing, no other punishment, will serve. 

    The second question is stupidly implausible—he would go free if the random, putative switch-flipper got squeamish???—but equally stupidly easy to answer: Yes, I would. Switch-flipping, like jury duty, like driving on the right side of the road, like not "randomly" punching someone else in the face when they irritate me, is all part of the social contract: the price we pay for living in an 'evolved' society, where we can anticipate that others will participate and behave that way, too.

4. What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done? Do you look back on it more with pleasure or regret? 

    the most outrageous thing that I would share here is to fly to Dallas for a weekend with a man I'd never met in person. At the time, it made sense; looking back on it now, it seems completely insane. For what it's worth, he turned out to be a really good guy, and we are still close friends. I look back on it with even greater pleasure than I experienced at the time. It was a dumb idea that turned out completely fine.

5. You need to have dangerous brain surgery and must choose between two surgeons: one extremely gifted but a dishonest jerk; the other less skilled but very honest and friendly. Who would you pick?

    I would choose the second one, but certainly not because of "friendliness." Honesty is necessary in medical care. Whether someone is a jerk or not is beside the point; some doctors ARE jerks BECAUSE they are good at their job, and know it, and are unconcerned about the finer points of human interaction. I'm not seeing a doctor because they are soft and squishy and make me feel loved. If I want that, I will visit a cat. (Read, in this article, the sections relating to 'Orange' personality types, of which brain surgeons tend to be a prime example.)

6. A good friend pulls off a well-conceived practical joke, as only someone who really knows you could, and makes you look completely ridiculous. How would you react? Would it matter if you knew that they pulled the prank to make you see a side of yourself that you were blind to? 

    I would be absolutely furious and deeply hurt. Any "good" friend of mine would realize that making me look completely ridiculous would mortify me. 

    Also, if they did this specifically to SHOW me a side of myself that I'm blind to, I would cut them from my life, immediately and completely. Use your fucking words, you arrogant asshole, and don't do something hurtful, especially in public, that you could accomplish privately and from a perspective of friendship and kindness.

7. You and someone you love deeply are placed in separate rooms, each with a button next to you. You each know that you both will be killed unless one of you presses your button in the next 60 minutes. You also know that the first to hit the button will save the other, but immediately die. What would you do? 

    press the button as soon as I can get my hand on it

 

[from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is from Woody Guthrie]

I'd turn the world to see you

1. If you could retract one lie you have told in your life, which would it be? 

     that I didn't mind when my friends didn't visit me, during the decade when I was single and living in the Flat. I made the trip to see them, to attend their parties and holidays and funerals and command-performance get-togethers. I manipulated my time off from work, and definitely my visits with family, so that their schedules could be accommodated. I tried really hard to stay in touch, because "I was the one who left." Looking back on it now, I wish I'd just let those one-sided things wither. One person can't do all the work to keep a friendship going.

2. If you had to eliminate one season permanently (spring, summer, autumn, or winter), which one would go? 

    surprisingly, I would wipe out summer. That may be entirely due to it being revoltingly hot and humid
outside as I write this, my central air chugging away. Ask me again six months from now and the answer may be the reverse. Suffice it to say, I'd never give up spring or fall.

3. If you had to paint your entire home, inside and out, a single color other than white, what color would you pick? 

    that's funny—my entire home (inside anyway) is variations on a theme already. It ranges from greenish gray to grayish green. What started out, when I first moved in, seeming kind of soothing and mellow now seems prisonesque and terribly drab.

    If I had to choose one new color, it would likely be somewhere in the blue family, since that's where I gravitate when deciding how to decorate. However, it'll be a while before I devote time or energy to making such changes.

4. If you could undo one sexual encounter in your life so that it never happened, which one would it be? 

    the one that no one knows about because even at the time it was happening I was already regretting it. That entire year is an embarrassment to ego and humanity anyway, but that one night should be obliterated from all memory.  

5. If you had to name the dumbest purchase you've ever made, which would it be? 

    there have been so many. I'll pick the Nordic Track, even despite the ultimate resolution. That was an example of my sometimes elaborate plans to resolve relatively simple problems. It was a giant hassle from start to finish, and what's worse, I discovered that I didn't like the activity.

6. If you could cancel one vacation you have taken, lose all memory of it, and get your money back, what vacation would you choose? 

    oh my God, that's easy: I would wipe the one a couple of years ago that ended in confusion/miscommunication, turning into buckets of tears, morphing into some yelling, and finally resulting in hurt feelings and stubbornness that lasted for way too long. 

    It wasn't such a bad vacation in itself, just got a little brittle toward the end because of other stuff going on in the world, and in our lives. Overall we travel very well together, and I wish we didn't have that ugly outlier to muck up the average.

7. If you could romantically kiss someone that you never have, who would you want it to be? 

    one of my lawyers.  

TERRIBLE video - good song 

("Shoulda Kissed You", Ryan Cabrera)

 

[from If...Questions for the Game of Life; the title quotation is from #7, above]

if you are alone you belong entirely to yourself

IF...

 

1. ...you had to choose the single most charming person you have ever met, who would win? 

    Reed, the animal-brained lawyer. He's smart, well spoken, handsome. He has lived a variety of lives, so to speak: intellectual, physical, emotional. He has a wide array of interests, from law to flying, motorcycles to cooking, dogs to travel. He is quick to laugh. He has a sharp wit that can also be tender. He is oddly affectionate—which I mean both figuratively and literally. He is both persuasive and pointlessly argumentative, though that last bit may only be charming to me. 

    I should add that, Reed notwithstanding, charming does not equate to admirable or even appealing. It is not one of my "can't live without" traits. While I think that it has served him well in at least one of his chosen careers, it can also be a veneer that deflects deep emotions from coming or going. That strikes me as a little bit sad.

2. ...you could stop overusing one word in your vocabulary, which word would it be? 

    'maybe'

3. ...you could guarantee one thing about your next trip, what would it be? 

    only one thing?? I have to choose a good hotel room. In my mind, that does not necessarily mean expensive or palatial or having a fantastic view—my preferences would be quiet, temperature controlled, and including both a comfortable bed and a powerful shower (even better if there's a soaking tub!).

4. ...you could have modeled in one of Calvin Klein's advertising campaigns for either underwear or fragrance, which ad would you like to have been in? 

    the Mark Wahlberg era works for me—because I would fade so smoothly into the background and not be memorable at all!

5. ...just one aspect of your life functioned perfectly forevermore, what would you pick? 

     health, I guess. It would be lovely not to have migraines anymore (I can barely imagine), or allergies, or poor eyesight. Or any of the other myriad inconveniences that help usher one into the glorious senior years. Even just to sleep well for multiple days in a row seems like a far-off memory.

6. ...you could repair a relationship with one former friend, who would it be with? 

     LRTS.

7. ...you could have known someone as a child that you now know, who would it be? 

    my college boyfriend, R. We met freshman year, when we were fairly well on our way toward adulthood. We certainly thought we were grown up, anyway. I liked him then, and I like him now—but I wish I'd known the little kid that he'd been, and the early teen. Before he'd developed all of the strong, self-assured, sometimes cantankerous brilliance that he's always seemed to have.

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is from Leonardo da Vinci]

kiss me, and you will see how important I am

IF... 

 

• ...you could have someone surprise you by doing one thing (other than give you a thing, a physical item), what would you want them to do? 

    it would be splendid to have someone do something for me, start to finish. Figure out what's causing me problems, work out an answer, and fix it. Big or small, that would be a real gift.

• ...you could pump enormous amounts of money into one area of scientific research, what would it be
for?

     migraine treatment, including a way to convey to others how it actually feels—like the period pain simulator, which has been eye-opening in the extreme for those brave enough to try it.

    Migraines are more than just "a really bad headache." In fact, sometimes it's not actually a headache, or other pain, at all. Symptoms include those at right: throbbing head pain, often just on one side (mine are on the right, from behind my eye down into my neck); visual distortions (I get flashing lights, though only rarely); confusion or trouble talking (I get some "brain fog" sort of confusion but it is rare and barely noticeable); sensitivity to light, noise, and smells (YES always, and it always makes the whole thing worse if I can't stop or get away from it); nausea and vomiting (maybe five times since I was 17); mood changes (consider this range of symptoms and multiply by as many as 4 attacks per week - would your mood be affected?); stuffy nose (nope); face, neck, and scalp pain (yep, all of the above); dizziness (again, not all the time but when it happens there's no fighting it); and fatigue (which can be hard to differentiate from being-tired-because-you-have-a-headache, or -just-had-a-headache, or -did-something-that-may-cause-a-headache...).

    What helps? Sticking to a routine for stuff like sleep, hydration, alcohol use/non-use, exercise, stress level, etc. I give myself an injection every 28 days that does a good job of reducing the frequency and severity of attacks. I have one primary pain reliever that I use most of the time, assuming I catch it fast enough. If the pain has already set in, though, or is combined with severe pain elsewhere (neck, usually) I will take the secondary pain reliever that includes some extra ingredients. It also makes me lightheaded, and can affect my mood in surprising ways - so I try to avoid it wherever possible. The last option would be over the counter medicines that can sometimes kick it but only with larger doses. Regular massage helps. Listening to my body when it's telling me to stop doing dumb things (e.g. eating too much delicious but bad for me stuff) or that I'm due for good things (like taking regular walks, getting enough sleep, and shutting out extra stress). And remembering to have a life in and around and even during the pain.

• ...you were to describe true generosity by using an example you witnessed, what would you use? 

     the finance company for which I worked is renowned for public service. They sponsor nearly every event in the region, often at a high level. This necessarily entails all sorts of volunteer "opportunities" for the staff, who are encouraged (that's one word for it) to give generously of their time and money to support causes identified by the bank as worthy. 

    Some of my friends have worked tirelessly for these events, particularly the summer festival downtown (a week or so ago) and the holiday frenzy on behalf of the food shelf. The latter is particularly time-consuming, intense, and can be a massive financial drain at a time when many people try to be frugal. The first year that I worked there (for only two months of that year) I spent nearly $500 on various fundraisers, including a "costume battle" between the bigwigs, the (dubious) 'winner' of which spent some time dressed as a beloved holiday character, tights and all.

    I absolutely believe in giving to the extent that one feels capable. It blows my mind, though, to see a group of people (roughly 450 employees) supporting locals with food insecurity to the tune of $25,000 plus per year, enthusiastically and happily. That kind of generosity, both with time and with money, is easy to blow off when it's expressed in self-congratulatory press releases, but it really is genuine and inspiring up close.

• ...you had to name the one thing that has changed the most about growing up since your childhood, what would it be?

     sports and lessons (music, dance, theatre and so forth), which used to be extra and now are organized in a way that I can't even imagine. Like competitive preschools, I fear what we're doing to children in the guise of structure and "promotion" of their future. When I was a kid, kids could be kids without needing to lay the foundation for their post-graduate careers at the same time.

• ...you were to describe your first kiss, what would you say?

      it wasn't nearly as good as I thought at the time, and there was so much better to come! I do wish I'd held that gift back for a year or two.

    Can I describe my best kiss, instead? I met someone and fell, hard, almost entirely with words. When we finally kissed, it was even better than I'd hoped. Both a mind-blowing relief and an internal explosion of anticipation and promise and troubling desire. That kiss changed my life.

• ...you could communicate with any type of animal, which would you pick? 

    a housecat, of course!!

• ...you could have the original baseball card of any three players in history, who would they be?

     1952 Topps Mickey Mantle rookie card, 1914 Cracker Jack Ty Cobb, and 1989 Donruss Gary Gaetti #64.

 

 [from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath]

at some point, deep in the night, we were swinging on the jungle gym and showers of sparks were flying out of our mouths

1. Are there any new positions you wanted to try but are too shy to ask?

     the pairing of shyness and sex doesn't make much sense to me. If a person is so uncomfortable with their partner that they don't feel capable of expressing their wishes, there doesn't seem to be as much intimacy as one might wish for in a sexual relationship. To put it more directly: if you can't talk about it, then why are you doing it??

2. Have you ever hooked up on a swing set? 

     no, but one of the most unforgettably romantic experiences I've ever had took place on a sort of jungle gym. It was during college (of course). Took a walk with Russ-who-thought-he-was-out-of-my-league - both of us drunk - that ended near the lake. We climbed onto the playground structure, where he made me look out at the scenery: the bright moon, the dark and smooth lake, the trees and woods surrounding. It was my hometown, and he knew I took it for granted. He wanted me to see it like he did, coming from a part of the world where lakes and trees and hills were nothing like this. To see the beauty. To see how lucky we were, to live in a place that prioritized such beauty. He didn't give me much, and in truth he later broke my heart. That night, though, he gave me a gift that's lasted for decades.

3. Is it possible to be turned on by a long-term partner without touching at all?

             I should hope so! An intellectual sexual attraction is prehaps the most powerful of all. Knowing likes (and dislikes) and which buttons to push (oh, behave) allows for both directness and improvisation, each of which can be key in making meaningful sexual connection.

4. Which afternoon delight would you prefer—a lunchtime quickie, or a quick conversation so hot it melts the phone lines?

      conversation, for sure. It lasts longer, and the results can affect much future interaction.

     However, there is a lot to be said for unexpected meetings, taking advantage of opportunities, and of course for making the most of the fleeting chances that we all get....

5. Have you ever trusted a partner enough to let them shave you anywhere they wanted (or vice versa)? 

    that's honestly never arisen as a goal, a desire, or even a mention. I certainly do wish for that degree of trust, even if it's not expressed in that particular way.

6. Do you remember one of your first good erotic experiences?

      I dated a Prince fan in high school, and he even looked a little like him: dark, smoldery good looks, lean and wiry. We went out for a couple months, maybe, and the extent of our romance was long whispered phone calls (see #4, above!) and the occasional dance at school, where we pushed the boundaries of appropriate behavior with our sultry dancing and occasionally found a particularly dark corner to be alone. Everything about him was lovely and affirming and delicious - until he left me for one of my friends. Sigh. Despite the sad ending, though, the experience was fun and funny, and I've only good things to say about it (and him) even now.

7. What kind of porn movie would you like to make (kinky, funny, or classy)? 

     those descriptors alone make me even more certain that porn production is not for me. Kinky is just too cheesy (and I'd never be able to stay in character or remember my dialog). Funny would make it too personal, I think, and would blur the lines between make-believe and real life. Classy is surely a misnomer, since even the blandest and most professionally produced film of this sort would still be tawdry. Right?

 

[from 269 Red Hot XXX-Rated Questions; the title quotation is by Donna Tartt, from The Goldfinch]

why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

Caveat: In an effort to broaden my blog topics, I've been researching - you know that's what I love, and what I'm best at - sources and options for writing prompts. My local library is not, um, bountiful, though it does offer access to all public libraries in the state. Still, this is an excessively particular topic that's hard to answer in book form. My first run-through resulted in a couple of strange and specific books. One is devoted to career questions. The other is far, far more sexually revealing than I have been previously, and than I am comfortable with, ongoing. Those are some of the questions I'm addressing here. I'm modifying them from the way-too-personal out toward the general, and we'll just see how this goes!

 

• Is there any desire that you want to try that you think is taboo? 

    the concept of "taboo" is utterly irrelevant. I don't buy into the idea that something is wrong solely because the majority if people don't think it's right.

• Do you believe in the power of clothing to excite or enhance sex? 

    definitely, whether it's acknowledged or not. And I don't just mean "sexy clothes," designed and intended to be provocative. I think that, between two people, there can be triggers that have nothing to do with typical ideas of what's alluring. I know a guy (just a friend!) who finds his wife's huge fuzzy bathrobe sexy, believes she's even more attractive when she wears it, and wouldn't trade that for anything. I also know a woman who, having seen her boyfriend very casually tying his tie, sees the subtle and personal message there as a switch flipping.

• Do you think sexual fantasies should stay fantasies or be made reality? 

    I do believe it's a little dangerous to make all one's wishes come true - so to speak. Sometimes fantasies are better in one's mind than they are in one's, um, body ... and thus the fantasy is no longer appealing. A lot of the time, a fantasy is metaphorical, even if we don't realize it, and is the expression of wishes and desires that are not precisely sexual (like closeness - or objectification). Acting on such a fantasy without recognizing that it's not literal can both destroy the pleasure of the fantasy and, of course, leave one still wanting. In all, I think the fantasy is often far better than the reality - and should stay that way.

• If you could spy on the person you most desire through the crack of the door, what would you like to witness them doing? 

    cleaning his glasses with the tail of a dress shirt, and a nice long stretch would not go amiss

• What is the worst sex advice you've ever gotten? 

    it's a tie. I was raised to believe that sex requires love and love results in sex. Those two phrases don't work all that well together, to be honest, and resulted in some internal equivocation that I'd rather not have undertaken.

    In college, I was given a sort of intervention by a few older friends who'd been around the block a few times, resulting in a mantra that even had its own mix-tape to accompany: "it doesn't have to mean commitment." That's a freaking VIP all-access card, when handed to (or thrust upon) a young girl. Yikes.

• Would you watch a sexy movie with a partner? Would you, with someone with whom you were not (yet) involved?

    yup, either one. I like movies, of course, and have certainly seen some scandalous ones. Anyway, I think that watching a movie together can start a conversation that once started can be continued in a fruitful manner.

• How important to you is kissing? 

    profoundly. The reasons are personal, internal, and hard to explain - but there's also a lot of scientific indication that it's a good thing. For instance:

        ° A scientific article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that "kissing frequency was found to be related to relationship satisfaction."

        ° From Berkeley University's Greater Good Magazine: "According to a 2014 paper, as people kiss on the lips their brain activity spikes and harmonizes. In fact, the degree of synchronization between canoodling brains correlates with the self-reported quality of the kiss."

        ° According to an article in Mental Floss: "A 2013 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that more frequent kissing was linked to couples’ perceived feelings about the quality of a relationship—namely, the more kissing, the happier they were—which was not the case for more sex."

• What's the most fun you've ever had with your clothes on? 

    that is one of my most treasured memories of high school. Drew Barrymore once said, "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down." While that last sentence has me unconvinced, the rest of it...yeah, totally. There's a real glory in giving oneself up to that kind of joy, but also knowing that it's not going to go too far. Not as a preamble to sex, but a lovely and fun and arousing activity in and of itself. I do miss that.

• What is your favorite food to incorporate into erotic adventures? 

    a friend from my bakery job had taken a few art classes during her first foray at college - in the 1970s. One of them was a little wacky, as much about performance art and investigating hippie behavior as about standard definitions of "art." One of their assignments (which were phrased as suggestions or open ideas) was to use an atypical medium to express "color." 

    My friend bought out a grocery store shelf, filled her bathtub with Kool-Aid powder (and water), and immersed herself in it. She succeeded in dyeing her skin bright red - and, a day or two later, was diagnosed with a wicked UTI.

    It's a cautionary tale. At it's most basic, food is a mouth subject, not a body subject. Bad things can happen from confusing the two.

 

[from 269 Red Hot XXX-Rated Questions; the title quotation is attributed to George Bernard Shaw]

the most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children

1. Have you ever sneaked a peek at someone else's journal?

      I have not. I love to know as much as I can about someone, but never at the cost of their trust. That disrespect and deceit is incompatible with my essential personality.

2. Share the last picture you took that wasn't a selfie: 

     it's a maroon iris, taken during a walk on Sunday

3. When was the last time you polished your shoes? 

     I used to have a pair of dark cream-colored

the shoes

leather strappy sandals. They were beautiful, and intensely uncomfortable. The straps were oddly tight but not consistently, so it was hard to know how to shift to relieve pressure. The heels were tiny—kitten heels—with extra small bases, so walking on even perfectly flat surfaces was treacherous. They coordinated nicely with several outfits, so I kept them MUCH longer than I should have. Thus, I needed to clean them pretty often. The soles were suede, the straps smooth leather. That meant two different treatments to keep them looking fine. When I'd finally been pushed beyond procrastination, I would put out a layer of newspaper, pull out a roll of paper towels, rubber gloves, and a brush (dedicated to this purpose), and get to it. A half hour later I would have two clean shoes, half a bag of garbage, and a strange ache in my neck and back. 

    I donated those shoes to a clothing drive at the financial institution, shortly before I left. Glad to be rid of them - and through with the shoe-cleaning business! Though this subject reminds me that I really need to find a leather restorer, to clean and fix a (gorgeous and much-loved) purse.

4. You can only have one type of flooring in your home: what will you choose?

    stone (er whatever) with in-floor heat. I've discovered that I'm not suited to hardwood. Not a huge fan of most vinyl, either. I'm old-fashioned in a lot of aspects of my homeownership, which means I still like carpet: it's warm, soft, and easy to clean. Still, there's little I like better than consistently warm feet in the winter. It's a real treat.

5. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like pumpkin pie? 

     three. I will eat it when it's the only option or when someone is really pushing it (hi, Mom), but there are a dozen other pies I would pick ahead of it. Pretty much any fruit, for instance. 

6. Where were you and what were you doing the last time you felt nervous walking into a building?

     interesting question! I've given it a lot of thought, and finally settled. It was the O-town branch of my healthcare system, a few years ago, when I was called back in after my mammogram showed some suspicious areas. There's a history of breast cancer in my family, and at roughly the same age that I was when I was asked to return for a re-check. 

    I was, and remain, lucky: upon the second check (which involved probably 150% more images than the first round), the suspicious areas were verified not dangerous. It's hard to believe, when cancer has invaded your genetics, that you will truly be safe from it. I try, though. Worrying changes nothing except to steal life from today.

7. If your hands were tied behind your back, could you get your socks on?

      this one made me laugh out loud. Honestly, why would I need to put on socks, specifically, with my hands tied beyond my back? But anyway—yeah. I have one pair of socks that is terribly loose. If they were unrolled, I could probably snag one between my first and second toes, wiggle it enough to get my other foot inside, and then pull it up using friction from the other foot. Of course, the second sock is always a bitch, right? But because they are so loose, I could probably wedge my foot in as far as it could go on its own, and then find something in the house that would friction it up for me. 

    Well, maybe. I should probably keep this in mind and always, always wear socks from now on.

8. What was the last thing you changed the batteries in?

      my safes. They have combination locks, and the batteries need to be changed regularly (once a year).

9. Who's the most sophisticated person you know? 

     funny, I was just thinking about this earlier today. DG is by far the most sophisticated person I've known, which is notable because he's down to earth and casual, too. Maybe that's what sophistication is, in my mind: the ability to orient oneself to pretty much any occasion.

10. If you had to hide a life-size cardboard cutout of The Rock in your home, where would you put it? 

     oooh, fun! I would put it in my exercise room, for sure. That would be freaking awesome!!

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is from Jim Henson]

and sin, young man, is when you treat people like things

• What's something you intended to do today, but didn't?     I didn't go for a walk. The weather is just starting to be nice enough to get out more often than not. However, I woke with a headache that got worse as the day went on, so by the time I was through with work, I was in no condition to exert myself. It sucks to want to exercise, to be in the mood and in the groove, but to be unable to do so safely. 

• Using only one word per person, what was your first impression of five people you know? 

    ° D: magnetic (which turned out to be 100% true)

    ° friend A, my walking partner, whom I met while we were both at the money factory: serene (a wonderful mistake)

    ° M, a friend and former coworker who bought my house: bubbly (absolutely accurate)

    ° H, my former spouse: condescending (hilariously wrong)

    ° B, with whom I worked closely at my last in-office job: assertive (oh Hell yes)

• From what do you secretly long to be "rescued"?     troubleshooting, repair, and maintenance of my laundry facilities. It's an unnecessarily complex setup that is not working properly, and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. It is frustrating, infuriating, and every attempt I make to try and deal with it leaves me feeling more helpless and stupid.

• What do you do if you can't sleep at night? Do you count sheep, toss and turn, or get up and try to do something productive?     toss and turn. Counting sheep has never occurred to me in the moment. Getting up and doing something productive wakes me up even more. Even reading a boring book won't do it; I think it's the light that sets me off in the wrong direction.

• Which do you do more often: hum or whistle?     ugh, neither. I've been told many times that I'm "allowed" to make noise - generally just after I've started someone by moving around nearly silently. (Hello, former roommates!) I can hum, and I can sort of whistle but not at all in tune. It's just not my thing.

• Who's the biggest "pack rat" you know?     a friend who is often vocally scornful of his parents' hoarding tendencies, while he cannot resist buying the most random decorative items, supposedly to "replace" the random decorative items already packing his house over-full. The combination of idleness, disposable income, and obtuseness can make his space (not to mention conversation) a minefield.

• How would you define sin?     a quick search came up with the following examples:

    ° "rebellion against God, wrongdoing, and corruption of the heart"

    ° "an offense against religious or moral law, or a serious shortcoming"

    ° "any failure to conform to the moral law of God in act, attitude, or nature. It is also lawlessness, missing the mark of God's glory, and first of all committed in the heart."

    It makes me wonder, though, if "sin" is possible absent a religious background. I read an article by Adam Phillips (described by The New Yorker as "Britain's foremost psychoanalytic writer") and think I've got a handle on it. It's an individual analysis, and based essentially on the effects our actions have on others. I'll buy that.

 

[from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is by Terry Pratchett, from Carpe Jugulum]

we all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie

1 Name three things you love about yourself. 

    eye color, strength, and loud laugh

2 Talk about your crush! 

    no!

3 What’s one thing your dream girl/boy HAS to have? 

    independent interests. I can't stand the idea of overlapping too much with someone. I need to be with someone I can learn from.

4 What’s the bravest thing you ever did? 

    getting divorced. It meant a lot of huge changes, many of which I could not have anticipated beforehand. It meant hurting someone I had loved almost half my life (and some others as well). It meant following my heart instead of my head, and prioritizing myself and my own happiness over everything else.

5 Talk about the craziest night of your life. 

    I drove home for my best friend's dad's funeral, and drove back afterward. It was a whirlwind of seeing my family, seeing my friend, going to the funeral, lots of highs and lows and hugs and tears—and 4 1/2 hours of driving on each end. It was absolutely worth doing, exhausting, and unforgettable.

6 What’s your biggest dream? 

    writing a book

7 What was your most recent lie? 

     I had a long conversation with the specific intention of distracting someone from potentially difficult issue

9 Name three things you want in life 

    love, a powerful dehumidifier, and a bigger, firmer butt

10 Who’s your biggest celebrity crush? 

    meh

11 What are your most common mistakes? 

    spelling "accommodate", applying eyeliner, and rolling up crumbs when I frost a cake

12 Which three things would you save if there was a fire? 

    phone, wallet, and car keys

13 Have you ever fallen for someone you shouldn’t have fallen for? 

    duh

14 What’s your favourite sport? 

    arguing

15 Talk about something good that recently happened to you. 

    a friend from the financial job messaged me about getting together. We haven't seen each other since she left (before I left), so her contact came as a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. I always liked her subtle, sly sense of humor and obvious intelligence, in a building nearly devoid of either. We met up yesterday for a walk around "the big lake." It was fun, peaceful, and a very quick hour. Afterward, I invited her for another walk soon. How weird is it for me to be making plans on purpose?!

16 Which fictional world would you want to visit if you could? 

    the Kent and East Sussex of Pride and Prejudice. I certainly wouldn't want to live there
forever, but it would be fascinating to see what it was like to exist in that social structure.

17 What’s one thing you can never say no to?

    hugs (from certain people), new books, or fresh raspberries

18 Is there something you regret? 

    of course. Every adult has regrets, whether or not they acknowledge them. I just try to follow my instincts as much as possible so that, when I do regret something, it's something that I did that didn't work out, rather than an opportunity that I missed and therefore will never know.

19 Talk about a childhood memory. 

    the route to my grandparents' house was long (all right, it was about a half hour - but to a kid that's forever) and winding, and included one old rusty bridge. For the kids who might not know, metal bridges disrupt reception of AM radio stations. (Look it up.) That brief pause in the radio transmission was something that I always looked forward to and enjoyed. It was as if we entered a different dimension for a moment. 

    My parents knew how much I liked that, so they'd manually turn down the radio when we were listening to an FM station (or a tape/CD). They did it for years and I never realized it. That is one way that it was especially wonderful to be the gullible, easily-indulged, youngest child.  

20 Tell the story of your first kiss. 

    the only one that matters was my last first kiss. It had been building for some time, and exploded during a "tour" of my house. I don't remember how it started—I think my brain actually turned completely off, a rare treat—but I know it was incendiary and lasted a long time. And continued for far longer than expected. "Just a kiss" was already an absurd way to describe the troubling potency of that incredible relationship.

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Michael Ondaatje, from The Cat's Table]