we shared an uncanny connection

2. What are you afraid you might be judged for? 

    "afraid" is the wrong word to use; I'm not afraid of these judgments, so much as sensitive to and annoyed by them. 

    • migraines (by nature "all in my head")

    • my job (almost impossible to adequately explain, and seems way more casual, low-stress and unimportant than it can be)

    • natural fingernails (guys are surprisingly quick to criticize something they've never tried to understand)

    • my love for all things solitary 

    • not losing weight/getting more fit/giving a crap about wearing makeup or dressing up

    • my taste in movies, which has shifted so far away from even trying popular Hollywood fare 

 

8. Tell about a moment when you felt intensely attracted to someone, without telling who it was.

    I liked him pretty well already, so this wasn't out of the blue. We met up after work to go for a drive, just wandering around, sharing memories and impressions of stuff we saw, telling stories, getting to know each other in a different way. We were at a stop sign (he was driving). He reached over and tapped my hand, resting on my leg, and said quietly, "I'm glad we're doing this. I really like who you are now." He wasn't pitching it for a reaction, attempting to exchange it for goods or services, or faking. He was telling a truth.

    A man who can do that, who thinks to do it and actually does it, has something inside of him that most people will never get close to. 

 

11. What’s one thing you wish you could tell your younger self about love and relationships? 

    people lie. Sometimes even people you like, or who love you, or with whom you have ferocious chemistry, will lie. That's a fact of life, not a flaw in you, but being a sucker is a weakness when you're not even basically careful.

16. If you were a fictional love story character, who would you be and why? 

    Marianne Dashwood. She's a romantic idealist, in love with feelings, and easily hurt. Her emotions are not just on her sleeve—they are wrapped around her like a blanket. 

     This isn't who I am now, but it's certainly who I've been in the past, and the most love-story-appropriate version of me.

 

2. Can love bloom on the battlefield? 

    of course, it can. Look at Moonlighting (1985-1989). Look at Hemingway, much of whose work (and whose life) involved that sort of scenario. Doctor Zhivago. From Here to Eternity. Cold Mountain. Gone with the Wind.... Maybe it's not the ideal location for a love story, but it sure does happen. Has happened, anyway.

 

21. What are your non-negotiables in a partnership for the long run? 

    I'm allowing myself a maximum of three. A partner for me must be:

        • infected by curiosity

        • inherently kind

        • absent any legal, social, or implied romantic relationship with another person

 

17. If you could create a sensory experience that perfectly encapsulates your feelings for someone you've loved, what would it look, sound, smell, taste, and feel like? 

    when I was newly single, I was involved with a guy who lived on the left coast. That experience looked like something represented in the photo directly above. It tasted like raspberry truffles from Chukar Cherries, still my favorite candy. It sounded like Colin Hay's "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You." It smelled like a cologne whose name I no longer recall, but whose scent would bring me back to that time in a heartbeat. (Trust me, it's happened.) And it felt like a mix of gradual friendship and fear and lust and mistrust and affinity and even more gradual, grudging, fearful, tentative love.

 

 [from here and adapted; the title quotation is from a blog post called "Patterns", tied in with #17, above]

the problem with introspection is that it has no end

1. If you were asked for an example of where and how you learned to love, what would you say? 

     when I was 12 years old, my brother was working on our uncle's farm, about 5 miles away. He would ride over on his little motorcycle before and after school. One afternoon upon arriving home, he got off the cycle with his jean jacket buttoned all the way to the top, which was not his usual look. He was also clutching his torso. Very carefully, he unbuttoned the jacket—revealing two tiny kittens. Their mother was no longer alive and they were too little to care for themselves. 

    We nursed those kittens, whose eyes were barely open, using a little bottle of warmed milk (many times per day!). They lived in a big laundry basket lined with towels and featuring a tiny sandbox. They soon graduated to kitten food, and made their way out of their basket.

    They were so cute, and so much fun, and from the start I was helplessly, painfully in love. 

 

2. If you had to name the event that most challenged your faith in the human soul, what would you say? 

    someone I used to know ended their marriage shortly after returning home from their extensive, expensive honeymoon. They timed it that way to squeeze all the benefit from the marriage before moving their paramour into what had been the couple's home. I found it revolting, treachery on a level that I hadn't personally experienced before. 

 

3. If you had to name the most difficult thing for you to talk about, what would it be? (You don't need to talk about it, just name it.) 

    loss 

 

4. If you found out you were terminally ill and could do one thing to put your soul in order,

what would it be? 

    my soul is not perfect, but neither is it out of order. There is no one thing wearing on my conscience or emotions that is within my powers to resolve, much less to handle while terminally ill.  

 

5. If you had to elect the time when your ego took the biggest blow, when would it be? 

     the end of my job at the law firm was devastating in ways I couldn't even start to see at the time. It exploded my self-image into tiny pieces.

 

6. If you were to name an omen or sign that helped you choose a path in your life, what would you say?

    signs are easy to identify in hindsight, aren't they? 

7. If you could have an angel whisper one thing in your ear every day, what would you want to hear?

    "go back to sleep"

 

 [from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Philip K. Dick, from The Transmigration of Timothy Archer]

I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed

When I look back on my romantic history, it occurs to me that I’ve essentially been dating Muppets. In temperament, energy, and emotional resonance, the comparison fits uncannily well. Each relationship left me with lessons that are clearer in hindsight than they ever were in the moment. The framework of four very different archetypes—Kermit, Rowlf, Beaker, and Animal—turns out to be a surprisingly precise map of what I need, what I tolerate, and what I simply cannot sustain. 

 

High school and early college brought a series of Beakers into my orbit. Bright, curious, and expressive in ways that often left me laughing or holding my breath, they were exciting and exhausting. With them, I learned the importance of patience, not just for my partner, but for myself. The Beaker-type requires a capacity to embrace unpredictability, and though I admired their brilliance, I realized that I also need a grounding presence. Their energy was infectious, but it rarely joined in my inner world; it had its own trajectory, and I was along for the ride, not co-piloting. 

 

Then came the Animals: loud, unrestrained, and passionate. College was on a high-octane, head-spinning pandemonium. Loving an Animal-type taught me something fundamental: boundaries are necessary, and intensity is thrilling but unsustainable when it’s untempered. Looking back, the thrill of their energy was seductive, but it was also chaotic in ways that didn’t allow any rest or comfort. The lessons were vivid, memorable, and sometimes bruising (physically, emotionally, and metaphorically). I carry them with affection, even amusement, but minimal longing to reconnect. 

 

In my twenties and early thirties, I was married to Kermit. Calm, conscientious, endearingly earnest; he could listen and empathize, and he almost always knew the right thing to say. At first, this felt like the gold standard: predictable, safe, comforting. After twelve years, though, I realized that “safe” had morphed into “non-challenging.” The conversations were so gentle, the rhythms so predictable. We were not growing anymore. I came to realize that I longed for a partner who would nudge me, surprise me, or drag me, insistently, out of my own head. Kermit cared and warmed, yes, and I will always be grateful for that. I just needed more electricity than he could provide. 

 

After Kermit, I lapsed back into the Animals. This ought to be a surprise to no one, since it was a predictable rebound even at my advanced age. There were even a handful of Gonzos and at least one Snuffleupagus thrown into the mix. It was an unsettled phase, more error than trial. 

 

Somehow, in the quiet reflection of middle age and later adulthood, I keep landing on Rowlf. Steady, soulful, and quietly witty, he strikes the balance that I think I’ve been searching for all along. He’s capable of laughter without excess, musicality without performance, and loyalty without demands. Being with a Rowlf-type feels like coming home after a long day: safe, understood, and quietly joyful. He meets me where I am, joins me in my headspace, and yet opens a world beyond it—a shared inner life that’s rich, playful, and unforced. Rowlf teaches me that love doesn’t need fireworks to feel alive; it needs resonance, patience, and a willingness to really listen to the other person. 

 

This exercise—framing my romantic history in Muppet terms—isn’t meant to trivialize real relationships and intimacy; rather, it’s a lens through which I can see my own patterns and preferences with humor, grace, and honesty. Humor softens the edges of reflection, making insight palatable, and in examining these archetypes, I’ve gained a vocabulary for what matters to me in a partner. Compatibility isn’t about perfection; it’s about resonance, growth, and shared values, even if one party occasionally squeaks, drums, or hums along the way. 

 

So, yes: I’ve dated Beakers, and Kermit, and the Animals, and each taught me something indispensable. When I close my eyes, though, it’s Rowlf who appears: clever, loyal, quietly affectionate, and attuned to me. It’s a reminder that the relationship that endures, and the love that feels most like home, is often that which mirrors our own depth, temperament, and capacity for joy. That’s the sweetest lesson of all: after all the wild, brilliant, loud, or overly careful choices, it’s the soulful, steady connection that lasts. 

 

[inspired by my results from the "Which Muppet Should You Date?" quiz; the title quotation is by Rowlf the dog, from The Muppet Movie]

life is like a movie. Write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending

🎭 Which Muppet Should You Date? 🎭 

Ever wondered which Muppet would totally get your vibe? 

Take the Which Muppet Should You Date? quiz 

and find out if your heart belongs to 

 💘 Animal’s chaos, Beaker’s brilliance, Kermit’s calm, or Rowlf’s warmth. 

 It’s slyly romantic, scientifically un-serious, 100% fuzzy fun. 💘 

Because love comes in many forms— 

sometimes green, sometimes furry, 

and sometimes loudly banging on drums. 

---

1. Your ideal date night is:

A. A moonlit walk by the pond, sharing quiet laughter and tea. 

B. A cozy piano lounge with mellow jazz and good conversation. 

C. A science lab "experiment" that may or may not involve sparks (literal or emotional). 

D. A wild night at a rock club that ends with glitter in your hair.  

 

2. What’s your love language?

A. Words of affirmation—gentle encouragement makes your heart sing. 

B. Acts of service—you melt when someone just quietly takes care of things. 

C. Quality time—even if it means surviving a few accidental explosions together. 

D. Physical touch—hugs, headbangs, and drumming side-by-side.  

 

3. What do you find most attractive in a partner?

A. Emotional honesty and a calming presence. 

B. Loyalty, warmth, and the ability to listen without judgment. 

C. Curiosity and intelligence—even if communication gets... squeaky. 

D. Passion, unpredictability, and a refusal to follow any rules.  

 

4. When life gets stressful, your coping style is:

A. Taking a deep breath and finding your center. 

B. Playing music, taking a walk, or helping a friend. 

C. Diving into a project until it’s all figured out (or explodes). 

D. Screaming it out and moving on—life’s too short to bottle it up!  

 

5. What’s your idea of “forever”?

A. Building a simple, genuine partnership where both shine. 

B. Growing old together, still sharing music and laughter. 

C. A lifetime of creative chaos, but never a dull day. 

D. Burning bright, loving hard, and leaving the world with great stories. 

 

🧡 Sometimes, true love isn’t about finding the perfect person; 

it’s about finding the perfect puppet. 🧡 

 

 [custom-designed just for me by ChatGPT; the title quotation is from Jim Henson]

every limit is a beginning as well as an ending

For a long time, I was the fascinated one, and he the admired. 

 

I marveled at his ease, his sureness, the way his confidence filled a room and left no corner uncertain. I watched with rapt attention. I wrote letters, small devotions in ink on paper. I scoured the earth for the perfect gift. I traveled to visit him. He cooked for me. He liked to feed people—meat seared, wine poured—and I, in turn, fed him with words. 

 

This blog was the one place where our balance reversed. Here, he became the reader and I, the voice. For years he read everything, faithfully, each post a continuation of our conversation. You make me think, he said once. You're so smart, and still so fun. 

 

Then, over time, he stopped following. "I really need to catch up," he'd say—but never did. "I really ought to take a weekend to read everything." That was the quiet red flag, when the mutual interest began to leak out through invisible seams. 

 

At first I mistook my hurt for vanity, my ego stinging at being less admired. But that wasn't it. It wasn't about being read every single day, every single post; it was about being prioritized. Mutual attention and admiration had been the bridge between us, and when it fell into disrepair, I realized how much of myself had been crossing it. How much of the effort had been mine alone.

 

What I felt was not wounded pride, but the grief of unreciprocated curiosity—the powerful ache of loss when someone stops wondering about you. Because love, at its most alive, is made of wonder: not only "I love who you are", but "I love the revelation of who you are becoming". 

 

When that discovery ended, something within me turned its face toward a different sun. I began to write (and blog) more, not less. I formed new patterns, habits, and small rituals just for me. I sought spaces where my own curiosity could breathe freely again—places where thought could stretch without waiting to be met. 

 

He had been the admired; I was the fascinated. 

But somewhere along the way, I became both, for myself: the question and the answer, the seeker and the seen. 

 

[the title quotation is by George Eliot, from Middlemarch]

the daily hummingbird assaults existence with improbability

1. What’s the first thing you saw this morning that made you smile? 

    a hummingbird sitting on his new saucer feeder, watching me work. I don't exactly believe in 'angels' or reincarnation, but I wonder sometimes if maybe hummingbirds are the exception to that. They do seem to show up at times when I'm feeling a loss especially hard, and they inexplicably make me feel much better.  

 

2. What’s a sound that feels like home? 

    the first thing that popped into my head was the song "Miami" by Counting Crows (from Hard Candy, 2002). I'm not certain what it is about this song that let it burrow so far beneath my skin, but my love for this, and the way it feels like home, is bone-deep. 

 

3. What was your favorite hiding place as a kid? 

    my bedroom closet, which was 'shared'—there was a door to the same closet from the living room, so the east half was used as a coat closet by the house (the door generally fully open) and the west half was for my sibling and me—and thus quite cramped. I would tuck myself into a tiny ball with my back toward that open door, and read by the light coming through from the living room windows. 

    I also liked to sit in the back seat of the (parked) car to read, though that got me in trouble more than once for using the dome light and not shutting it off, or for failing to fully close the car door. Batteries are hard for little kids to understand! 

 

4. When did you last feel proud of something tiny but important? 

    during the HOA board meeting this month, I made a salient, meaningful point about something financial, which is a big shocker and surprised even me. Three of the people in the room seemed to visibly express respect in a new way after that.   

    I don't love being on the board (understatement of the year) and I don't love simultaneously taking minutes and thinking critically and making arguments. When I manage to keep my shit together, keep my composure, and accomplish all that, it's a win. 

 

5. What food is basically a time machine for you? 

    roast beef and gravy with mashed potatoes, preferably with homemade rolls. In a world of low-carb this and prepackaged that and cooking is too much work, that meal is even better. 

6. What’s a piece of advice you’ve quietly ignored—and been glad you did? 

    George, my library community service assistant/crush described here and elsewhere, once very conspiratorially revealed that he thought I should get a tattoo of a "sexy sun" around my navel. It was a compliment, albeit a strange one, and I recall gravely thanking him. His feelings were sensitive and quite close to the surface, so I'd learned to be gentle. I'm assuming that what he had in mind is something like that in the picture shown here...

    Why did I quietly ignore George's advice? Because that could not be any less 'me'. Of all the body parts I would like to draw attention to, my navel has never been tops of the list. It also seems like a pretty painful spot for a long tattooing session, or incredibly ticklish (or God forbid both at once). And frankly, I think it's unattractive. As with many "socially eroticized" body parts, belly buttons are utilitarian rather than sexually functional, so from a psychlogical background their glorification seems bizarre. 

    Why am I glad that I ignored it? Because at this point in my life, it would be an embarrassing reminder of the body that I used to enjoy but no longer have.  

7. If you could bottle a single scent forever, what would it be? 

    warm, clean kitty in the sunshine 

 

8. What small ritual keeps you tethered when life feels chaotic?

      this answer surprises me a little: it is using the Evidation app. It functions as a walk-for-pay tracker (tied in with my smart-ish watch) that also employs daily surveys to earn more points. There are 3 daily questions ("How are you feeling today?" "How would you rate your sleep quality last night?" and "How would you rate your stress level today?") and more sporadic, longer surveys based on typical health concerns (such as migraines, depression, seasonal allergies, etc.). There are also Weekly Wellness Tips (today's is about working with an accountability partner and having a social support system) whose reading earns points. I answer those questions and surveys daily, and get weekly, monthly and yearly trend reports. Some have been insightful enough to share with my doctor. A sample of the reporting is shown in this graph, illustrating my 'active minutes' during August of this year.

    Evidation has also earned me around $50 in Amazon gift cards. Not a huge money-maker, but rather a positive habit that also happens to pay back. 

 

9. When’s the last time you laughed so hard it surprised you? 

    my latest taco-salad lunch with Rebecca from the financial place, for my bday. I think it was related to one of her Very Large Dogs. I just remember laughing so hard that the little loose bits of avocado on my fork—raised to but not inside of my mouth—flew across the table at her. We'd been laughing hard enough already but the airborne avocado set us off once more. We both had to mop tears off our faces (and avocado off the table).

    There's really nothing like a good meal with a dear friend.

 

10. What’s something you hope future-you remembers about right-now-you? 

    resilience. Actively looking for ways to be happy when life, right now, is not. 

 

[ChatGPT blog meme questions, a set called 'The “Little Windows” Meme'; the title quotation is by Ursula K. Le Guin, from No Time To Spare: Thinking About What Matters]

some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again

11. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done, and how did it affect you? 

    I'm pretty sure that I don't even know the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. It was probably very obvious to another person/people, but it never even occurred to me. I've done plenty of things that were dumb, thoughtless, inconsiderate, or dangerous. I've acted first and thought later (if at all). 

    Of the mortifying things I know about, though... my attempt at kissing the animal-brained lawyer still takes the cake. It happened so long ago, and was witnessed by no one other than the two of us (at least, that I know of), but it still makes my cheeks burn just thinking about it. I misread those signs like I didn't even know the language.   

 

3. How has a romantic relationship changed you for the better? 

    every time I have a haircut appointment, I take a book with me. The salon's magazine selection doesn't suit my interests, and I don't like playing with my phone in that kind of situation. On the most recent visit, I forgot the book that had been picked out the night before, a product of rushing for an appointment first thing in the morning. My stylist directed me to the salon's leave one/take one bookshelf. The selection was way outside my typical reading zone, but, any port in a storm, right? I grabbed This Summer Will Be Different by Carley Fortune. It's a chick lit, beach read sort of novel, a 3cm trade paperback (for the librarians in the audience). In the chair, reading while unattended (i.e. processing), I managed to get through ~100 pages. 

    I felt a lightning bolt when I read this line:

After reading that, I had to close the book to think it over. Does life have a fairy tale? If it does, what is mine? The answer is surprisingly easy: it's 2:00 man (referenced here and in many other posts). That does not mean he's my soulmate, the love of my life, or The One that Got Away™️. It does, however, mean that our affection for each other has always been unreserved, that our connection was made early and is still strong despite the time in between, and that someday, somehow, it might all work out.

    My relationship with him—which is not, at this point, active—has changed my life for the better, for sure. Sharing that sort of bond with someone I trust has made me more confident, trusting, affectionate, and forthright. 

 

20. Tell about a desire you have, something deep within that you long to explore.

    I'm still longing to go back to school. If I had the disposable income, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I think I'm past the wish for a Ph.D. now (dissertation research, much less writing, is more daunting than intriguing) but the taking classes, reading, writing papers, and taking tests part of school still draws me. The funny, or pathetic, or scary part of it is that the subject studied (or degree earned) isn't as interesting as the education itself.

 

3. What’s something you’re working on, to become a better partner in your future relationships? 

    snort - "future relationships" Is it a surprise to anyone that I'm on the emotional Injured List?  

    If I were contemplating working on something with the goal of becoming a better partner, it would be (sigh) communication. Just thinking about that is incredibly exhausting, which I take as a sign in support of not dating. 

 

14. Beyond physical intimacy, what are some ways someone can show you love that will feel deeply meaningful and nurturing to your soul? 

    good grief - that's a lot to ask. Umm, how about a list of suggestions?

    •  share something they love, that reminds them of me

    •  hugs

    •  an unexpected note or card (not for a holiday or whatever, just out of the blue)

    •  listen quietly

    •  share confidences

    •  low-key meetings rather than events

    •  don't gossip to me (because then I won't worry they'll gossip about me)

 

4. Share a story of how someone unexpectedly showed you love or kindness. 

     when I was between jobs, my old friend who owns the local barbecue restaurant brought over a bunch of things "for me to try": chicken and brisket, sausage and ribs, various side dishes, and my favorite Red Beans and Rice. It was incredibly kind of him to do that, generous both financially and personally. There was enough food for several meals, which saved me at least one trip to the grocery store that I could barely afford. I will never forget it.

BWB ribs & brisket

 

2. What happens if you have a deep love and affection with the wrong person? 

    I'm pretty sure that's a logical impossibility. For one thing, deep love is never wasted. It might turn out to be a temporary, rather than lasting, affection, but duration ought not to be the determining factor in "quality" of happiness. 

    More generally, I think that something good comes out of almost every relationship, even those that end sadly or badly. You might learn about what you do or do not need, or what you will or will not do, or what you can or cannot take. You might pick up a new hobby or interest ... or you might have an experience that shall never be repeated if you can possibly avoid it. These are not all good, y'know? Some are really painful. Some are regrets. Some are ridiculous, embarrassing, or furious-making. 

    It's like life, eh? 

 

[from here and adapted; the title quotation is by C.S. Lewis, from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe]

our siblings are friends gifted to us by fate

1 Which work-related app or tool could you not live without? 

    it seems strange to say this: the Note Pad accessory. It is faster to launch, and bypasses a lot of the crankier Microsquish programs that are updating, needing updates, wonky, or mysteriously "down" when needed.  

 

2 If you had no choice about whether to do it, with whom would you most like to swap lives for a week? 

     one of the pets living in the household of a grade-school friend. Never has any living being been so utterly pampered.

 

3 Who in your family would you turn to if you were in trouble and why? 

    my brother. I went through something truly awful a couple of weeks ago, and he was the first person I thought of, to call for help. To say that he was willing and able is such an understatement, I'm in tears just thinking about it. 

    If I had to choose the one best aspect of returning to my hometown a few years ago, it's getting to know and appreciate my big brother in a whole new way. 

 

4 Who among your colleagues do you think has the best sense of humor? 

     in very different ways, it's a tie between Blackbeard (the ex-military, concert-loving, goofy and casual coworker) and Lord Farquaad (my almost painfully laid-back, low-key, easily-frustrated immediate supervisor). Blackbeard is in his 30s and all communications with him reflect that—no caps or punctuation, a little silly at times but mostly quite sensitive. Farquaad is in his 40s, more of a meme-er, and a lot like me in his habits and interests. 

    Blackbeard often leaves me smiling (at the time, and later when I recall our conversations). Farquaad makes me laugh.  

 

5 Have you ever ghosted someone you were dating and why? 

    first, let me be very clear: I did not ghost him, and we weren't dating.

    What is a relationship called, where adults are spending time together as time allows, not going places out together but staying in, talking about old times and what's new in their lives, sharing concerns and triumphs and ruminations? Where they are more likely to take up "their half of the couch" with a beer and a blanket than to wrestle about, dramatically? It's not exactly friendship, certainly not dating, and both more or less than either?

    I wanted the dating part, too, though. He wanted more immediate access, and was definitely more the talker than the listener. Neither of us quite got what we wanted, then—or, more accurately, each got what we wanted and wanted more of it, which was not feasible to the other. We genuinely like each other, which makes all the rest of this even more stupid than it would have been.  We persisted in hammering away at each others' nerves and resolve. It came to a head one day when he was particularly insistent, which was so totally the opposite of what I was feeling; for reasons I no longer recall, I was sobbing when I received his usual, playful message (ramped up 50% due to his particularly boisterous mood). I sat with the phone in my hand and tried to come up with a response that was not: a. melodramatic (since crying was not part of our communication repertoire); b. mean (because there was no way for him to have known that my world had just tilted); or c. incomprehensible (as, at times like that, language sometimes fails). Overwhelmed by whatever had me crying in the first place, overlain with the struggle to answer in a way that made sense ... I didn't answer. 

    Then, later, it seemed too late to explain.

    In my conscious mind, I wasn't ready for the arrangement to be totally over, but upon reflection prehaps my subconscious was standing up for my deeper emotional needs. I wish it hadn't ended, and especially that it hadn't ended that way.

 

6 How do you feel about the balance of give and take in a relationship? 

    it's not a fixed ratio. In the best case, it slides back and forth as things come up and circumstances demand. 

 

7 What do you think is your sibling's most admirable quality? 

    helpfulness. That's easy for me to say, given that I am often on the receiving end of it. It is his willingness to be available to our parents, though, that means the most. The two of us "share responsibility" to meet our parents' needs, as we are both local. I generally do the little stuff—bringing in the mail when they are away, troubleshooting technology, and joining extended family excursions now and then—while my brother takes care of the bigger stuff, like yard maintenance (they live on a ridiculous, hilly lot with loads of vegetation needing corralling), hauling & fetching, and for playing the Bad Cop as regards both parents' acquisition leanings. My job is busy and complicated, but nowhere near the amount of time or degree of involvement of my brother's. He also has a family. His openness to prioritizing our parents means a lot.

 

[from here, divided and adapted; the title quotation is by John Joclebs Bassey, from Night of a Thousand Thoughts]

just because I have a successful dog act doesn't mean I can walk up to the lion cage and do as well

11. What is a typical day like for you? 

    work, walk, eat, watch, read, sleep

 

20. What’s your favorite restaurant? Why? 

    Eleven Eleven Mississippi in St Louis, MO. The meal that I had there was outstanding from start to finish, and the location and the space itself are top-notch. The waitstaff is helpful and fun without intruding on an incredible meal. I would go back to STL specifically for another meal there, anytime.

 

23. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received? 

     six years ago, the person I was dating placed a blooming plant in the flower bed outside my office window, along with a stone rabbit. (The bed would, a couple days later, be planted with a huge variety of colorful flowers, too.) The picture I'm posting is not nearly reflective of the power of the gesture. Flowers are sweet in almost any circumstance, and making a surprise of them can be a lovely spontaneous gift. Taking the time to and going to the effort of buying and planting them, though, is extraordinary. And doing all of that in a highly public location necessarily involving people who knew us both—and didn't know the why behind it—was brave and crazy and very, very dear. 

    Taking the chance to love and be loving is never the wrong choice.

 

24. What’s the neatest surprise you’ve ever planned and pulled off for someone else? 

    is a sad surprise still 'neat'? My college best friend's dad had died. I was living on the Flat, and naturally had to work when the funeral was planned. She didn't expect me to be there, but I was able to take off work and drive up for the service. When she saw me, there were of course lots of tears but mostly just gratitude for the friendship. 

 

30. Describe a costume that you wore to a party. 

    one of the years that we worked together at the library, I dressed as Chris for our Halloween shift. I don't recall the whole of it, but it involved jeans, cowboy boots, and—the pièce de résistance—a pair of white-rimmed sunglasses. I had been telling him for ages that his sunglasses were doofy and ridiculous, and he scoffed at my objections ... until he saw himself reflected in my outfit. I wish I had a photograph of the two of us on that day, because he was both touched and mortified and it was terribly funny.

 

32. What song reminds you of an incident in your life? 

    I used to make mixtapes, and some of them have survived still. Just yesterday I put in a mix I'd made for Emerald Man, and every track took me back to the last time that we saw each other. For instance, Elbow's "Switching Off".

 You're the only sense the world has ever made
This, I need to save 

33. What’s the most memorable meal you’ve eaten? 

    see #20, above. The entree was boar ravioli with vodka sauce, accompanied by a brain-explosion of a delicious, alcoholic drink; dessert was shared tiramisu with part of a glass of surprisingly expensive port. The meal lasted close to two hours and was one of the finest days of my life. 

 

37. Tell me about your family. 

    no.

 

43. Describe your first away-from-home living quarters or experience.

     the summer between freshman and sophomore years in college, I lived by myself in a rented house. It had been billed as living with a friend from work and her friend, but both of them went home early. The house itself was surprisingly nice, well-kept and structurally sound. (This town is known for its crappy college housing options.) I had the master bedroom, spacious and light. It was also astoundingly convenient to work and school, by comparison to living out of town for the previous 18 years. The downsides: my bedroom was first floor, front of the house, so I got street noise; the girls and all their friends were drunk most of the time, so there was some damage done; and the landlord was allowing someone to 'squat' in the garage "temporarily", which was ominous and disconcerting. I was not too upset to move out in August. 

 

[from The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression by Debra Fine; the title quotation is by Eddie Rabbitt]

we only notice we're alive when we're reminded we're going to die, the same way some of us appreciate our girlfriends only after they've become exes

Do you keep pictures of your ex after a breakup? 

    sure, why not? I have 50,000 photographs, easy. The pictures taken of or with an ex are part of my visual history. I've selectively thrown out a few that no one ever needs to see, but overall the history remains.

 

Have you ever filmed a sexy video with a partner? 

    ugh no

 

Is it ever okay to lie? 

    yes

 

What is something you've spent an embarrassing amount of money on? 

    socks, and hosiery of all kinds. I had occasion to have it all out at once (warm weather and cold weather call for a different wardrobe,

and socks are in that category) and the numbers were staggering. I've got a dozen pairs of wool boot socks (i.e. thicker weight and a little taller than my usual) alone. That makes sense, at least—I used to wear those to work over a pair of tights (also far too many of those!) inside my "fashion" boots (as opposed to scruffy snow boots with lug soles). Where it goes off the rails are the FOUR different styles of athletic socks, or the 3 pairs of 'velvet' socks that I don't even like ('cause, duh, the velvet goes on the outside, so they're scratchier than normal and not at all breathable, though they look cool).

What's a movie that isn't supposed to be sexy but you found yourself turned on by? 

    not sure that it wasn't supposed to be (how would I know?) and I'm sure I'd not call it "turned on," exactly? But I thought What We Do Next (2022) was remarkable and scary and sexy, too. (Reviewed here.)

What's one thing you only do when you're alone? 

    shave. It is undignified and messy, a little dangerous when one is at all distracted, draws attention to something that by nature I'm trying to distract from, and isn't exactly a spectator sport anyway.

 

When you're attracted to someone, what body part do you notice first? 

    eyes

 

Would you feel comfortable if your current partner and your ex became good friends? 

    uuuuuuuh that would depend very much on the individual people. My most recent two partners would go together like pickles and peanut butter. I think my taste tends to veer on an almost "now I want the opposite" scale after a breakup.

    The first guy I dated after the divorce met H a couple of times. It was awkward on both sides. H thought the other guy seemed even younger than he was, and the other guy "thought H would be taller." When I asked him why, he looked at me quizzically and said, "Because he's got a Ph.D.!" That's Nick in a nutshell.

 

Do you think it's possible to be friends with an ex?

    for sure - see, e.g., the bottom question

 

Have you ever intimately texted the wrong person, accidentally? 

    I haven't done that, but I've received a text that was intimate (not sexually) and meant for someone else who happens to share my (first) name. It didn't exactly break my heart, but neither was I comfortable with the sender for a while.

 

How often do you look up your exes on social media? 

    never, unless we're friends now and I'm seeking them for another reason, and in that case I'd think of them as friend first, and ex only incidentally

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Tim Kreider, from We Learn Nothing]

you swam in a river of chance and coincidence. You clung to the happiest accidents—the rest you let float by

5. What one thing would you really like to own?

    a home in Canada 

 

46. Describe an embarrassing moment you’ve had. 

     I (apparently) so badly misconstrued the signs being given by the Animal-Brained Lawyer during our hours'-long lunch, and the meet-up for snacks that ended up being a dozen rounds of drinks at a dive bar in a snowstorm, and even the casual dinner at my place that ended with a case of empty beer bottles, a crust of leftover pizza, and a snoring dude passed out on my couch. 

    It hasn't been an entirely embarrassing relationship, and we're still friends of a sort—including the last long conversation during which he pushed and cajoled me to join him for an evening in the cheese state eating "fish cheeks" (is that even a thing??) after taking a ride in his plane. I think we're friends, but I still cannot figure out whether we've ever been more than friends. That is an extremely disconcerting, and sometimes blush-inducing, feeling.

 

15. Tell me about the first car you ever bought. 

    My first several cars were provided to me by the parental units, a side benefit offered while I remained in school. (This was the case for all of us kids, not just me!) Then I got married, and the next few cars were marital property.  

    The first car that I bought all on my own was a brand-new Honda Civic. I bought it essentially sight-
unseen and without a test drive; I knew what I wanted and was not going to change my mind. I actually bought the newer model year because the difference in price was insignificant enough not to matter. My salesperson was the younger son of a work friend, and he's an excellent example of his profession done right. Low-key, information sharing, no pressure. No magical mystical products or service to up-sell. 

    I also ordered an add-on remote start, which was not at the time offered as a factory option on that model. It was purchased from and installed by a business near the dealer's. I left it there for a couple of days after completing the purchase paperwork. I was staying with my parents over that period. Conveniently, I timed my departure for the day the car would be ready. I packed my current car (an older Civic with a 5-speed manual engine) for the trip and went to the dealer's. There, I transferred everything into the new vehicle, gave the trade-in a fond pat, and hopped behind the wheel. I took a quick photo of the odometer (7 whole miles!) and took off. 

34. What’s the most unforgettable coincidence you’ve experienced or heard about? 

    a friend was thinking about getting custom-made shoes. I think it was for an event, but maybe just 'cause. He went to the shop to start the process. Had his feet measured—they're on the larger side—and the person helping him became pensive, looking at his feet and then his face, very closely. He left the room and came back with a shoe box. Another customer had ordered custom-made shoes, but failed to pick them up. They'd been waiting a while. Coincidentally, they were the exact size and shape of my friend's feet. Even more oddly, they were the exact style and color that my friend had wanted. Rather than waiting for them to be handmade and paying full price, he got the shoes immediately and at a discount. (I may have gotten a detail wrong, but overall the story is as he told it.)

29. What’s the most anti-establishment thing you’ve ever done? 

    going to law school with all intention of not practicing law

42. Tell me about a time when you had too much to eat or drink. 

    I generally eat pretty small meals these days, more of a day-long graze with three or four bigger portions than a breakfast/lunch/dinner approach. This has been healthier for me—more fruits & veggies, fewer snacky snacks, and lower caloric intake overall—and has also decreased my grocery bill even as prices have increased overall. However, it's also been a burden on my ability to eat meals with other people. Saturday morning breakfast with the fam is a complex affair of eating what I can and leftover-ing the rest (which I'm fine with), but normal meals with other people are a challenge. 

    A couple of years ago, I was traveling with the most "gourmand" of my friends. We went out for a very nice meal (read: expensive and huge). While returning to and once in my hotel room, I was overtaken by a sensation of being so far beyond 'full' that I was seriously considering seeking medical attention. I took a long bath, in hopes that the heat and position would help with the ughhhhh. (I was better by bedtime.)

16. How has the Internet affected your life? 

    I remember a time when there was no internet. That seems to be a generational dividing line, being conscious of its beginning and gradual (and then exponential) impact on life. It started as a novelty, became a serious research tool, and seemingly all of a sudden it was entertainment, connection, and lifeline. I started out using gopher. I shared my first few email addresses. My first solo email had the word 'corn' in the domain name. Yes, this was all dial-up, with the hideous noise and long wait-times. 

    Now, I cannot imagine a day without being online somehow. My attention span has decreased to that of a squirrel. I interrupt my own leisure activities like reading or watching a movie, to look up a concept or person that has entered my consciousness. I use the internet for work, writing, shopping, and pretty much everything else I do. 

[from The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression by Debra Fine; the title quotation is by David Wroblewski, from The Story of Edgar Sawtelle]