I am drunk, seest thou? When I am not drunk I do not talk

from Questions About Today (Thur. 1/28) 

 

Are you having a good day? Why or why not?

   sure—I'm drunk

List five good things that have happened today:

    1. sweet tea vodka+lemonade

    2. I had the following thought when looking out the window: "I want to be a rabbit when I grow up"

    3. cute selfie from a friend

    4. picked up a heap of library books from curbside pickup at the library

    5. took delivery of a new pair of running tights

List two bad things that have happened today. 

    1. cut my knee shaving

    2. work

Did you learn anything yesterday? Whether it be knowledge, or wisdom.

  Good gravy, yes. I was seen at the Headache Clinic yesterday. I learned more about calcitonin-gene related peptide antagonists than I'd ever intended to know.

Have you applied what you learned yesterday to today?

  not applicable—but if my insurance decides I'm worth keeping alive then it'll happen someday soon!

Are you looking forward to tomorrow?

   sure

How is the weather looking today?

   it was cold as a... cold day in the middle of winter, and sunny. That doesn't bode well for cold, around here. But it could have been worse, of course.

How are you feeling?

  drunk, a little sleepy, and pessimistic

Do you think the weather affects your mood?

  definitely

What have you eaten today?

   breakfast (Cheerios), a few snacks, ham in a tortilla for lunch, chicken and rice for dinner, and some pretzels with the booze

How many cups of water have you drunk?

   5 bottles - how much is that?

List two good things about yourself.  

    1. I'm trying.

    2. my right eye is an interesting color

 [from here; the title quotation is by Ernest Hemingway, from For Whom the Bell Tolls]

I've had the sort of day that would make St. Francis of Assisi kick babies

    Not quite drunk, but not quite sober, either. The last 24 hours have left me deserving of at least a drink or two.
     First, and most dramatic: someone that I used to date has gotten married. I knew that it was coming, but found out in a sort of public way (thanks again, FB, for breaking the news by sharing the video with me). My initial reaction was no compliment to my maturity level, and it didn't get much better from there. Sleep last night would have been hard anyway because of the time change, but my dreams were also filled with swirling images, doors that would not close, somewhere I didn't want to be but couldn't quite escape. I woke feeling less sleepy (which makes sense, given that I slept something like 15 hours yesterday/last night) but not quite rested.
     I checked my messages before I got out of bed. There was one from my coworker, calling in sick. Again. This time it was her son that was ill. It happens, on average, once a week. I realize that parenting is complicated, that scheduling is a challenge, and that there's no notice when a child will be ill. I also know FOR SURE that the kid is not sick probably half the time when she calls in.
     When I saw her message, my eyes rolled and I started moving a lot faster. Today was the first business day of the month, so there were month-end things to do, in addition to the ongoing training of our new staff member. In addition to our regular duties, which are essentially parceled out between the two of us, but definitely skewed more heavily toward me (because she's doing more of the training). I knew that today, it was all on me.
     Before I left for work, I checked my FB. There was a notification of a "people you should know." It was Brian-from-Madtown. (Unfamiliar? Work through the archive from around 11/07 for details.) I actually laughed when I saw it, because what else is there to do? (It's all the more ironic since I was sorting out some really old files yesterday and just now got rid of the phone bills from that period, including the ~700 minutes' worth of conversations we had during the week before we met face to face.)
     Work was wild. There was not a whole lot of time to actually sit down and get things done from the time that I got there (twenty minutes early), through lunch (my boss asked me not to take a break, just to eat at my desk), right up through when we walked out together a little late. I finished the pile of work that was left on my desk from last week, got a start on the month-end stuff, helped the new staff member with several things, worked with my boss and boss' boss on a few things, tracked down some answers for a couple of other people, and sorted through two giant heaps of mail. And put out one figurative fire.
     And then I came home, made dinner, had a quick and hilarious conversation with a friend by text, then headed out to the grocery store. How is it possible than one person can spent nearly $90 on groceries at one time? Before I even started to put it all away, I got out a beer from the fridge. I dropped the opener on my foot, nearly piercing my toe as it fell to the floor. Then I dropped the cap that I'd removed, and just about drove it into the bottom of my foot. I obviously need a keeper.
     I was feeling very sorry for myself today. Very single, untouchable, and lonely. Comparing myself to my ex, of course. Now that the surprise has worn off, this isn't such a big deal. I would certainly rather that he be happily moved on than any other alternative. I don't want him back, don't want to know what he's doing, and don't need to know. (I only did know because one of my good friends happens to be a cousin of his, who must have been tagged in the video from the wedding.) This one fact, and my knowledge of it, doesn't change my life at all.
     Today was just one of those days. Tomorrow will not be like this.

[the title quotation is by Douglas Adams, from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul]

maybe we can make this last a lifetime

August 23: jeremiad

I hope that, over time, this blog reads more as contemplation--bordering on celebration, even, though I realize that's hard to achieve on a daily basis--than jeremiad.

    Long day. Long week.
     Good friend. Great dinner. Lots of laughing. A few drinks. (Maybe one too many.) Some things to think about; lots and lots for which to be thankful.

[the title quotation is from "Forever My Friend" by Ray Lamontagne]

I sing a hymn to the death of love.

August 2: expunge

Tonight will either go down as one of the best in my personal history, or I'll be begging to expunge it from my own memory shortly.

---

• Do you know anyone who DOESN'T have an ex?
  I'm going to say Yes. This person might disagree, but those of us who know even the sketchiest details would have to argue differently.
• Are you able to count to ten in another language?
  probably four of them? Maybe?
• Is anyone you know really religious?
  definitely. Not like it's a bad thing.
• Can you sing?
  can, yes. Should I? That's another question altogether.
• Have you ever read Gone With the Wind?
  I have not--nor have I ever desired to do so. That Southern historical romance genre has never done much for me.
• If you look back at pictures of yourself from years ago, do you hate it?
  uh, no? How weird is that?
• What is the purpose of it all?
  a short list:
  • friends
  • beer
  • kittens
  • music
  • deep sleep with no dreams
  • hugs
  • cold cereal
• Is there someone that likes you and won't leave you alone?
  barnacles...yes. There are a couple. But there are worse things, eh?
• Has an animal ever taken a strong dislike to you?
  oh, definitely! There was a cat named Catbird that absolutely detested me, wanted to rip my face off. And I think that I may have—very inadvertently—pushed a fish to suicide.
• When was the last time someone gave you a handwritten letter?
  you might be surprised how often that happens to me: it seems that if you give, you often get
• Has someone ever told you how they felt about you in a letter?
  yep
• The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true?
  sometimes yes, but sometimes it's just the bullshit that escapes
• Just a random question, but can you tap dance?
  uh, no. And now, back to the non-random questions....
• No one really bothers with the legal drinking age anymore, do they?
  yes. They do. In fact, I was carded at the grocery store on Wednesday while buying the beer that I'm drinking right now.
  The legal drinking age is there for a reason—younger people aren't intellectually capable of processing in the same way that adults are. Even adults don't deal very well with alcohol, but they don't start with the same automatic handicap that children do.
  Foolish question.
• When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself?
  Sunday.
• For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy?
  "For me"?
  Envy.
• Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions?
  never—though The Mumbler and I are fond of the Magic 8-ball from time to time
• Have you ever owned a garden?
  I don't think of it as "owning" so much as "tending". If my houseplants don't count, then I'd have to go back to the newlywed house to claim one. Most of it was eaten by rabbits. Bon appétit, little bunnies.
• Who was the last person to text you?
  I'm still waiting for a text response to an insanely provocative (no, not that way) pair of messages that I sent a couple of hours ago.
  Far more interesting is the phone call that I got just after I'd settled in to eat dinner this evening. I'd never been asked to bond anyone out of jail before. I highly recommend a call like that; it's an excellent way of determining one's feelings in a heartbeat.

[from an Oh. My. God. Long. post of The Cat's, who got it here. To be continued! The title quotation is by Fay Weldon, and reads in its entirety: "Better to hate than to grieve. I sing in praise of hate, and all its attendant energy. I sing a hymn to the death of love."]

tea is drunk to forget the din of the world

June 27: pastiche

I always want the word 'pastiche' to sound more like 'pistachio'.

 

...but that may have something to do with the amount of alcohol currently coursing through my bloodstream. That's me on the right, and the Mumbler directly adjacent.

[the title quotation is ironical, and originally came from Tien Yiheng]

you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see

March 17: gloaming

'Gloaming' is one of those words that's not used nearly enough, as it captures both the concrete and the ineffable qualities of an experience.

---

1. Does absence make the heart grow fonder, or is that just a myth?
   at this moment, I can swear unequivocally: absence makes the heart grow many, many things, of which fonder is indeed one.
2. What's guaranteed to make you roll your eyes?
   stupid Goddamned pun-laced book titles. I HATE THEM. One of my colleagues, for whom I have the utmost respect in all other ways, is highly tolerant of them. She just ordered this one, which made me throw up in my mouth a little. It's a good thing for me that she doesn't hold grudges about the silly/lame stuff I do, that makes her roll her eyes....
3. If you had to change careers or jobs right now (and would be hired no-questions-asked anyplace) where would you go?
   I wouldn't go anywhere but right here, in this very spot. All else being equal, I would write, from now on.
4. Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.
   
   
   Public Domain Photo
   the restroom at the restaurant/bar where I first shared a meal with The Gorgeous & Arrogant Lawyer had odd and rather gender-neutral restroom designations. I briefly considered photographing them with my phone, but realized that he might not see the humor in it, and I still harbored some illusion that we were on a "date." Given that I'd delayed my vacation for 2 days to have lunch with him, and that we sat in that booth for nearly four hours...well, I was on a date. If he wasn't, it's his loss. And the photo reminds me that
   he.
   Lost.

[from the original source; the title quotation is from 'Strange and Beautiful' by Aqualung]

happiness is being lost in Venice with the woman you love...

    Do you ever look at something that's happened in your life and try to figure out why it happened that way? Try to determine whether it's a discrete incident or whether you—consciously or unconsciously—set in motion a chain of events that brought about the occurrence that you're analyzing? Attempt to deconstruct your choices, to know just where you went wrong?
    Last week, I had an object lesson in 'knowledge'. I got some news that should not, logically, have been news at all. It should have been foreseeable, given the evidence that I'd acquired previously. I should have known. But I didn't know. I didn't see. So when I got the news—via Twitter, of all things - it came as a rude shock. What the hell? When did this happen?
    Somebody I used to know, whom I've loved since before I really knew him, I guess, is in love with someone else.
    He's not waiting for me.
    He has...moved on.
    If it was ever in question for him at all.
    I haven't spent all this time circling the drain, paralyzed with wondering. I haven't waited, literally, for his return. But I have, in a sense, been waiting, all along, for him to come back. For that life (which we never actually had, but to which we had only looked forward) to begin. And it really is never going to happen. Because he really doesn't want it. Because he's got it with someone else, yes, but even more—because he's not in this half-life of waiting, either.
    Can I honestly say that reading his news on the 5th didn't affect my perspective on the 7th? My sense of loneliness and restlessness at the wedding? That it didn't influence my decision-making, my choice to contact Toby, my willingness to see him again, even though it ended so stupidly before?
    How much of my own life am I in control of? How much controls me? How much is completely out of control?
    What is the happiest moment I can imagine? Lost in Venice with the man I used to love, who no longer loves (or thinks of) me? It's time to get out of this.

apparently, Carl, when you bought that medium drink, you entered a binding contract that enables them to rip off your dick

1. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
   Warner Brothers, by far. Disney is the root of much evil, particularly in my current field of employment.
2. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
   meerkats. LOVE meerkats.
3. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
   oh, Hell yeah
4. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
   no, but we would probably want to
5. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
   I get a massage every 5 weeks when I get my hair cut. It is a luxury, and I give up other things so that I can afford it. I wish I could do it more often.
6. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
   a Constitutional freedom, or a sort of commonsensical one? Constitutionally, I'd throw out the 5th Amendment right against self-incrimination, since it could be protected against in other ways (and people are sort of dumb and probably deserve to get stuck anyway), In a common sense way, let's get rid of the freedom to wear flip-flops. The sound...ugh.
7. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?
   equator!
8. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
   television, in a heartbeat
9. What do you think makes someone a hero?
   standing up for someone else against someone/something stronger, despite the risk
10. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
    Aqua Teen Hunger Force--I [heart] Frylock!
11. Name one thing that turns your stomach:
    the professional abilities and personal demeanor of the individual with my job at M. Public Library
12. What was the last thing you paid for?
    professional services at the local urgent care, including 2 conversations with an M.D., 3 x-rays, a tetanus booster, and a surprisingly comfortable buddy-tape
13. Are you a coupon clipper?
    yep, not that I often reap the benefits. Call it a leftover hobby of couple-hood.
14. Get anything good in the mail recently?
    yes! This week I got a postcard from London and a package from Alaska. Yay!
15. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
    karate. It's about damn time I get back to fighting weight.
16. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
    no. I could explain, but they would silence me - permanently.
17. What insects are you afraid of?
    none - only weenies (and apparently some tattoo artists) are afraid of bugs.
18. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
    please use other door
19. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
    there was an odd, ill-advised shorts/sweater ensemble that I sported in high school, in all likelihood topped with the off-white lightweight canvas duster coat and floppy painters cap. Where was DCFS when I needed them? And that hair....
20. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
    bacon!
21. What are your parents interested in?
    computers, walking for health, country music, car racing, and old movies
22. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
    WTF is the obsession with insects? No, I have not.
23. Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?
    no. Some of my tame pets weren't even really tame, so I would hardly seek out a wild one.
24. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?
    wishes
25. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
    writing
26. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you.
    
    1. a camper containing an actual bed with a door that locks
    2. super industrial-strength pepper spray
    3. food & water

[from The Cat, who followed the standard naming convention, and got it here; the title quotation is from ATHF, as much as I'd like to claim it's Shakespeare]

you're an unfenced fire!

Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay

["Admiration" by Incubus]
Pretty often, it's best for me to shut up and listen, instead of trying to express something that cannot be conveyed.

you're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots.

1. Is there anything that you tend to do to cheer up when you are having a bad day? I don't see that "cheered up" is preferable to being in a bad mood, so I don't try to change the bad mood to a good one. In other words, I accept the bitter with the sweet.
2. What’s the last card game you played, and with whom did you play? I think I played cards with Farmer E. and her groom-to-be. We tried to play one of the easy children's games but mooshed the rules (Crazy 8's with Old Maid, I think?) and ended up just mangling the cards and dumping sticky booze all over the table. In other words, a good time was had by all but we'd hardly remember the details.
3. What’s the last board game you played, and with whom did you play? maybe Scrabble with my parents
4. What’s the last computer game you played, and with whom did you play? probably one of the mindless FB games to pass the time while waiting for a load of laundry to finish tumbling. I've eased up so much from playing the MGs that I barely maintain a presence anymore.
5. Is there somewhere you’d like to visit but have not, and where is it? the Emerald City, and Ireland and Spain
6. Think of your favorite movie (or a movie you really like, if you can’t think of a favorite). Some people say that the reasons you love your favorite movie are related to what you value in romantic relationships. How is this true or untrue in your case? OK, so my favorite movie is The Professional. It is not a "romantic" movie per se, but I would argue that it is a love story. It's a love story between Léon and Mathilda (obviously), but also between Léon and the plant, and later between Mathilda and the plant. If you haven't seen it, you think I'm drunk off my ass right now. It really is a very powerful movie, and Natalie Portman is ridiculously good (and of course Jean Reno is outstanding).
   But, "what you value in romantic relationships"? Hmm. That's a curious thought. There is no literal "payoff" in the romances that pervade The Professional. They are all chaste relationships, though they are also very fervent. If there is one outstanding feature that unites them all, it would be loyalty, above all else. Is that what I value most in relationships?
   Ironic.
7. What physical attributes do you find the most attractive? Intense eyes. An expressive mouth.
8. How many people live in your house? Tell us about them. just us chickens.
9. Ever punch someone in the face? no, but I did get to slap him once before it all ended. Makes me wish I could go back and do it again.

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quote by Léon (Jean Reno) from The Professional]

i've seen this room and i've walked this floor

• Were your last three kisses from the same person? no
• Are you a jealous person? depends on the connotation. I rather firmly believe that there is a relevant sociological and psychological drive to be the primary interest of one's primary interest.
• Done anything illegal in the past month? just a few moments ago. I'm VERY fervently praying that it comes to nothing.
• Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? no
• Would you consider adoption? I have, but not in the way that you might think. (Wouldn't Ulysses Poseidon Socrates be surprised to know what I'd planned?)
• Do you like Redbull? never tried it. It sounds pretty revolting--and like something I'd be hooked on in seconds if I didn't hate it.
• Would you rather date a person with a British accent or an Irish accent? ummm...whatever. Accents are immaterial to a person's perceived "value" to me. The one person I could've listened to nonstop forever was a complete waste of breath, but his voice was, oh my God, delicious. Like aural sex. So there's no accounting for taste, eh?
• Think back five months ago, were you single? more or less, sure.
• Is it easy to make you smile? if you know the combination, it's simple.
• Do you have a bad habit? not a one
• Where do you wish you were right now? in bed
• Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it? "Hallelujah" (whether by Jeff Buckley or any of the others) always makes me think of Heidi.
• Who is the last person you spent money on? Mumbler & me--we ordered an insanely good pizza for dinner. I mean, ridiculous.
• Would you date someone taller than you? prehaps
• If you could choose between a million dollars or being able to fly, you would choose? money, please
• What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? Cat-Beast's. Relaxing.
• Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? last year on the day after my birthday comes to mind....
• Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? indeed. Memorably.
• Where did you get the shirt you're wearing right now? J.Jill
• Do you like meeting new people? not really. The "tiny weasels" from Dilbert comes to mind.
• Ever kissed someone who smokes? yes, but I'm easing toward the happy place where I will forget
• What's something you really want right now? money
• Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? no
• Was New Year's enjoyable? "enjoyable" is a stretch
• What time did you go to sleep last night? early. 11:30 or so.
• Do you believe exes can be just friends? it depends on your definition of the word "just"
• Do you hate anyone? just started reading an article on the psychoanalytic underpinnings of this. I'll have to let you know when I'm through with it.
• Has anyone upset you in the last week? ya think?
• Do you think best friends can be replaced? never. Finest kind.
• Are you starting to realize anything? at this moment, I'm drunk enough that focusing on the clock across the room is a physical challenge. "Starting to realize" is kind of a joke. I know something today that I hadn't known yesterday, but I'll be damned if I'll say anything about it now.
• When was the last time you cleaned your room? when I left my parents' house at age 18
• What do you always take with you? keys
• What is the last thing you used your own money for? Canadian bacon, green olive & fresh tomato pizza
• Do you have a reason to smile right now? yup, but not nearly as much as I'd like
• What time did you wake up this morning? 8:15 or so
• Where were you at 12:20 pm? probably at my desk slogging through a heap of work and listening to someone across the room make "snert" sounds every few seconds
• Do people think you're older/younger than you actually are? yep
• If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? it really, really, really depends; I am absolutely not interested in fielding inquiries from amateurs.
• Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you? yes
• What are you listening to? "Sick of Seattle" by the Smithereens
• How many people are you txting? my phone is already on its asbestos mat for the night
• Do you miss anyone right now? yup, thanks for the reminder
• Have any interesting conversations lately? tonight's took the cake for a while. Cleared out my sinuses.
• Have you held hands with anybody in the past two weeks? not even in dreams
• Are you trying to avoid liking/loving somebody at the moment? no. If anything, I'm trying to avoid being liked or loved by somebody.
• If your friends warn you about someone, do you listen? well, yeah. Of course. There's no ruling the heart and all that, but, yes. I trust my friends' perceptions.
• Has someone recently told you something you didn't want to hear? oh yeah. "Now, I've got things to do
  And I've said before that I know you have too"
• Who did you last pinkie promise with? this was not "the done thing" where I come from. If anything, it would be called "pinkie swear." Be that as it may, I'm sure it was Farmer E.
• Why are you at home right now? that is a funny question, and I'm not quite drunk enough to answer honestly
• How are you feeling right now? very damn mellow
• Do you believe in perfect? as a philosophical construct, yes
• What is the first thing you thought this morning? "need. more. sleep."
• Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? almost
• Who were the last people you saw in person? Mumbler
• If you were getting married tomorrow, do you know who'd be your maid of honor? I am certain that someone would serve as a witness on my behalf. Beyond that, there are much larger questions.
• Do you think that you’re a good person? depends on the criteria
• Do you give up easily? sometimes. On average: no.
• Where do you go when you want to be alone? away.

[from The Cat, who was grumpy, and got it here]

what's your fantasy?

SUBJECT ONE- THE OUTSIDE

• What's your name? oh, great--now the Ting Tings' "That's Not My Name" is going to be running through my head for the next day and a half.
  
• How tall are you? still 162.6 cm
• What color are your eyes? today, they're something like 66CCFF
• What color is your hair? sweet toffee, with tawny bronze and baked lemon
• Are you male or female? yes indeed I am
• What is your best physical feature? depends. Shoulders, maybe?
• What's your shoe size? 7.5ish
• Glasses, yes or no? have 'em. Don't wear 'em often.
• Did you ever have braces? yup
• On a typical day you are wearing... jeans, black sandals, black blouse, typical residuals
• When you go to bed you're wearing... nothing
• How often do you exercise? rarely

SUBJECT TWO- MUSIC

• Name two of your favorite bands? Pearl Jam & Papa Roach (I'm in the P's of iTunes)
• Name two of your favorite singers? Kate Nash & Matt Nathanson
• Name two songs you currently love:? "Hot Mess" by Uncle Kracker & "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel, which has rolled back into my consciousness from God knows where
  
• Name one song that describes your life right now? "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake
  
• Name one song that describes your life 1 year ago? "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg
  
• What are the preset stations in your car? no clue. One of them might be WGN?
• What's the last CD you bought? the New Born 2 EP by Elbow
• Was the last CD you burned an actual CD or a mix? a mix, called "I Really Want This"
• Name one band you're embarrassed to like but do? if I was embarrassed, I'd hardly blather it all over my blog, would I?
• If you could only attend 1 concert ever again, it would be? not such a fan of concerts. Maybe something classical
• Name one band or singer you absolutely can't stand? his compound last name is a fruit and an outdoor sleeping arrangement
• Name a group you use to like but feel you've grown out of? I don't think of it as "outgrown." My musical taste transforms, and is constantly changing.

SUBJECT THREE- MOVIES and TELEVISION

• Name your favorite actor: Jean Reno
• Name your favorite actress: ever? Adrienne Shelley
• Name your favorite television show right now: NCIS
• Name a really cool movie you have recently seen: Lost in La Mancha
• Your favorite canceled television show? ReGenesis
• Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time and money on: I wasn't too hot on The Breakup
• You would never watch a movie with...? most people. I tend to multi-task (which is distracting to others) and I have odd habits besides.
• Three favorite TV channels? wow, I really can't be bothered to even fake an answer to this
• Favorite reality show? sports
• Favorite character on a reality show? athletes in general

SUBJECT FOUR- WORD ASSOCIATION

• coffee :: Iced (hi, Fluffy!)
• dog :: Wiener
• slut :: Wonder- (hi, Reed)
• candy :: bar
• pole :: -dancer
• ocean :: eyes (don't ask me - that one's strictly subconscious)
• brave :: free
• loving :: kiss (hi, E)
• cookie :: Shawn's
• death :: -ray
• life :: -mate
• child :: sweet (hi, Cat)

SUBJECT FIVE- WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?
[yup, this reminds me of the good days of Molson Canadian]

• Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects? lion, please
• Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge? neither. I'll take the insects, above.
• No television OR No music? no television by a landslide
• No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate, ever? no more chocolate
• A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii? trip to Europe, assuming I can choose my destination. Bulgaria would not thrill me.
• An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one? since the former is a logical impossibility, I'll choose the latter--which would have been my preference regardless
• Sex without love OR love without sex? sex without love. I've had the latter and it's no picnic. (Assuming that this is in a marriage, of course.)

SUBJECT SIX- THE LOVE LIFE

• Are you currently in a relationship? I'm currently in several relationships. Too numerous to count.
• Are you currently looking [for] or interested in someone? not exactly
• Are you a virgin? ha! hahahahahahaha
• If yes, how long do you plan to be one? [N/A]
• How many times have you been in love? twelve
• Looking back, how do you feel about that person now? ?? This question is rather more odd than most.
• Name three physical things you look for in someone? eyes, lips, and hair (or lack of same)
• Biggest turn offs include? long walks on the beach, puppies, and failure to appreciate my unique sense of humor
• Your ideal date would be? ...unlikely to appear on the blog in purely accurate form
• You want to get married, where, when, how? not really, thank you
• Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return? yes. Not sure who, but I'm certain of it.

SUBJECT SEVEN- THE FRIENDS

• The one you immediately go to with a problem? depends on the problem. Fluffy is the first to come to mind, but she's by no means the only one I would count on (or trouble).
• The most rational? Tom
• The funniest? college BFF
  
• The one you spend the most time on the phone with? Fluffy, by a landslide
• The craziest? Heidi
• The most honest? none of them are particularly dishonest, but...the Cat
• The purest? Susan
• The smartest? wow, that varies widely depending on the subject. First reaction: Jeremy
• The most athletic? Rob
• The most compassionate? Fluffy
• The one most likely to get thrown in jail? Dan
• The last one that who said I love you? ...shall remain nameless

Best

• Male Friend: Mumbler. I know! So weird.
• Female Friend: there are several
• Vacation: Miami. Just thinking about it makes me swoony. Oklahoma will always mean something very precious to me, but that was the person, not the place. Miami--that's the place.
• Memory: just one? today at lunch was outstanding

Worst

• Time of day: no contest: waking up
• Day of the week: Monday. Dreaded Monday.
• Food: cooked carrots
• Memory: flipping through my mental index cards of bad memories...I'll choose Brian from Mad-town walking out the door

Last

• Talked to on the phone: my dad. Blargh.
• Text: Mumbler
• Messaged over Facebook: a very dear friend from college

Today

• What are you doing right now? listening to "Miami" by Counting Crows (no surprise there), drinking water, and typing
  
• Wearing? white yoga pants & navy cami
• Better than yesterday? sorta yeah
• Did you see the person you like? I saw several people I like. A couple that I love. One or two that I'd like to shove off a cliff.
• What’s the weather? 61° and clear. Perfect sleeping weather

Tomorrow

• Is? Thursday
• Got any plans? work, 2 meetings, and packing for a few days north
• Dislikes about tomorrow? work, 2 meetings, and packing for a few days north

Favorite

• Number: 7 or 13
• Song: "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris always makes me dance
  
• Season: autumn
• Cartoon: I should say The Simpsons but... Bugs Bunny

Currently

• Missing someone: of course
• Mood: moody
• Wanting: sleep
• Listening to: the song from that last YouTube video (which is hilariously "explicit")

True or False (bolded items are true)
I am a morning person
I am currently in my PJ’s
I am currently suffering from a broken heart
I can be paranoid at times
I currently regret something that I have done
I curse frequently
I enjoy country music
I enjoy hip hop
I enjoy techno/trance (less than some other genres)
I enjoy talking on the phone
I have a hidden talent
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
I have all my grandparents
I have at least one brother and/or sister
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor
I have done something illegal
I have had major/minor surgery
I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months
I have had the cops called on me

• Single or Taken: single
• Eye color: still that same blue
• Hair: still that same blond/brownish
• Height: still 162.6 cm
• Righty or lefty: very right

[from ze Cat, who got it here]

if you have tears, prepare to shed them now

but I'm glad that you came, no regret and no shame...

    It's hard to learn that it's better to be a close, trusted friend than to hold out hope for "something more." Good, but hard.
    I should've stopped a couple of hours and 3 or 4 drinks ago.
    I didn't want to stop

 

...as I'm lying here dead on the floor. [from "Dead on the Floor" by Alkaline Trio]

sorry I put them words in your mouth

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
   Tina Fey. Your 15 minutes are quite over. Please go. Now. Go!
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
   His name was once Johnny Cougar....
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
   Ozzie Guillen
4. What is your favorite cheese?
   Velveeta. (Yes, I gave that answer just to piss you off.)
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
   Roast beef with mustard and pickles on homemade white.
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
   The first name that popped into my head was Denis Leary, but not for the reasons you might be thinking. *snicker*
   Hmmm. Visanthe Shiancoe...?
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
   Now I'm thinking about Bono - hee hee!
   Edward Kowalczyk.
8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
   If I just slept with those two in the same day: industrial-strength personal grooming & rushed medical care. (I'm not casting aspersions, merely cautious.) In real life: I might finally buy the ring from Sundance.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
   Miami
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
    Get a taxi, find a hotel, and take off my shoes. Maybe in that order.
11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
    Today: Molson Canadian. On the average day I might be more sensible and choose something mixable, e.g. Cruzan light rum, or Stoli.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
    My last birthday. I'm not gonna do that last tequila shot (or the last two??), I'm going to refrain from telling the Delivery story (yarghhhhh), and I'm going to do something *worthy* of banging my head on the table, damn it!
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
    No bitching.
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
    No clue, but I know it wouldn't be "reality" or populated by anorexic lisping blondes.
15. What is your favorite curse word?
    Fuck
16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
    Have another handful of pills and try to get back to sleep.
17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?
    iPod. Sounds lame but it's got a zillion photos.
18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
    Make a LOT of phone calls.
19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
    The ability to see through bullshit.
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
    Is this "just re-experience" or "do over, to fix"? I suppose that either way it's the same: April 13, 2005, 2:30-3 AM or so.
21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
    If it wouldn't change the person that I am now, I would never even meet someone I dated a few years ago.
22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now?
    Oh, Canada sounds fine to me. I think they'd understand me pretty well up there, eh?
23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
    TBA
24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out…I can FLOAT!”?
    Heidi's, because she probably wouldn't even be surprised, which would be awesome.
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
    Eamon De Valera
26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
    That's an impossible question to answer. I think I'd be more likely to give my turn to someone else; I don't want this gift.
27. What’s your theme song?   Love Love, Kiss Kiss by Alkaline Trio
    

[from The Cat, who got it here]

the shadow

Missing is a pain
in everyplace
making a toothache
out of a day.
But to miss something
that never was:
the longest guilt
the regret that comes down
like a fine ash
year after year
is the shadow of what
we did not dare.
All the days that go out
like neglected cigarettes,
the days that dribble away.
How often does love strike?
We turn into ghosts
loitering outside doorways
we imagined entering.
In the lovers’ room
the floor creaks,
dust sifts from the ceiling,
the golden bed has been hauled away
by the dealer
in unused dreams.

[Marge Piercy, ‘Never-never’, in Circles on the Water; emphasis added]
I'm in a mood. Feeling more than a little sorry for myself. 'Profoundly unlovable' might be a better way of saying it. Why do I always...? Why can't I ever...? Not that it matters, because even if I got it all figured out, I'd manage to fuck it all up again anyway. Probably best that I put down the beer in favor of water a while ago. Also probably a good idea if I stop writing and just go to bed.

wouldn't it be nice

• I'm just drunk enough that this could either be funny or tragic. Let's shoot for funny, shall we?
• Greatest compliment I've ever received: well, before I tell you, I should say that this is, in itself, worthy of a post of its own. The problem is that I've tried to write it and ended up overwriting it in my head to the point that it's unwriteable. Here's the most basic, sketchy basis of it. One of my best friends, a person who understands me better than perhaps anyone else does, let me know (albeit not without a bit of extortion) that, were circumstances different, she would have fixed me up with a relative of hers in whom I'd expressed an interest.
  
  This is a revelation to me. I've always wanted to be, and never been, 'the kind of person' who is fixed up by my friends. I'm not sure what stands in the way. I've always assumed that there is some great flaw in my personality (not my looks - I'm just not that horrible looking) that, if someone thought, "Hmm, I wonder if that would work?" makes the next thought, "Nope. Not even gonna try it." But for that specific person to have that particular thought about that other person, in that way.... Well, it was just a huge vote of confidence. A gift of trust. A sort of benediction; I am not what I thought that I was, eh?
  
  It's not really about the guy. He's clueless about the "offer," for all that it would affect him anyway. I'm not sure that he ever realized my interest (though I have at times seemingly made it terribly obvious that I am offering something [What? What am I offering? How obvious? I don't know. I just know that it seeeeeeems obvious!]), regardless of who else was involved or how many versions of the dream that I've had where everyone else in the whole damned room knew what was going on except him.
  Like I said: it's not about him. It's about the way that she said, not in so many words, "this has my tacit approval." Honestly, I don't even know for certain that it does. But when she wrote that to me, I felt like I'd been blessed. It felt really nice, to know that she liked me like that, and trusted me that way.
• Sniff.
• I opened my apartment windows after work. It was sunny out and already 74 degrees up here - lovely - at 5:30. That was all fine, especially because I was wearing a black shirt and sitting in the sun drinking a beer and unwinding for that first hour or so. Once the sun was hiding behind the depot, though, it got really cool, really fast. My feet are freezing right now. Ah, spring.
• While in the process of closing the windows, I inadvertently tackled Bob [the cactus]. He defended himself well, jabbing me in the leg and both arms simultaneously. He seems none the worse for wear.
• Things I should be doing: packing, watering plants, eating dinner, cleaning, hauling stuff to the car. I'm leaving for the home state after work tomorrow. Will be gone for a week. Things I am doing instead: sitting in front of the computer like a vegetable after sitting in front of the computer like a vegetable all day, and coming home ravenously hungry. Duh!
• One good thing about this vacation: I will be physically prevented from window-shopping at a store that I can't afford. So to speak. I've been spending a lot of time feeling like I've got my nose pressed against a window, coveting. Now's a fantastic time for distractions. Bring 'em on!

just when you thought it was over...

    The OkCupid era has not yet ended. I just received a VERY surprising, VERY unexpected, not-entirely-unwelcome out-of-the-blue bizarrely-tangential message from perhaps the only unqualifiedly good (yeah, I know - that word is relative) OkC guy.
    I'm mulling. Haven't responded. Yet...!

list...

1. 5 of your favorite recipes, both to cook/bake and eat: (I will post these recipes later)
   
   1. Cherry Cheese Dessert
   2. Dawn's Brownies
   3. Hamburger Gravy for mashed potatoes
   4. oatmeal
   5. Mexican Chocolate Wedding Cakes
2. 5 things that have made you laugh lately:
   
   1. OkCupid. Oh. My. God.
   2. The Cat. She's the only one who calls me on my stupid silliness.
   3. Facebook. I'm an addict. I love my Farm.
   4. A kid book called Opuestos (Opposites)
   5. Coworker T. I made a rancid pun (something about hoping that Fred Claus wasn't too sharp - get it? Sharp...? Claws...??) and the look on her face was priceless.
3. 5 things you would do if you were fearless:
   
   1. quit. my. job.
   2. get a tattoo on my neck
   3. change my name
   4. tell some truths that are overdue for telling
   5. try drinking coffee
4. 5 things in your bedroom. Aside from the obvious (bed, dressers, etc.): (isn't it all obvious?)
   
   1. 95% of my bead stuff
   2. "Tip the Cows"
   3. 2 flashlights
   4. a metric ton of gift-wrap
   5. 8 vases. 9? Maybe 10.
5. 5 things you can’t replace:
   
   1. the sense of being understood that comes from talking with a good friend
   2. a good snow brush (for the car)
   3. fantastic sex with one particular person ('cause no matter what it's like with anyone else, it's never the same)
   4. keys that say "do not duplicate"
   5. well-fitting, attractive shoes

[she stole it from one of the usual subjects]

omg coool

Google has created a function called "Mail Goggles," by which one can create a little breathing space after writing a late-night gmail message and before sending it. Once this function is enabled, one must answer a short series of [simple] math questions before a composed message will be sent. What a fantastic idea! See more here.

Now if only my car would drive itself away from certain peoples' houses (and dogs)....