and we are put on this earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love

  1. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. But what was the question? if you have to ask, you'll never get it
  2. What is a juggalo? a fan of ICP
  3. Are you a fan of Crass? only in the generic
  4. If you were going to write a short note to yourself and then put it away and read it in ten years, what would it say? it would come in many volumes and look a lot like my journals...
  5. When someone does something that is wrong, do you believe that they know in their hearts that they are wrong but they push it down into their subconscious and rationalize away their guilt? some do. Some don't get it at all. Some don't care.
  6. How can a person have sex with someone they don't love? they. are. NOT. the same thing.
  7. Have YOU ever? yup
  8. What are the paradoxes in your head (that is when you believe two conflicting things to be true)? love is hard. That is all.
  9. What does each set of two words suggest to you?
    ...pale gravity:
     chicken casserole
  10. ...little mornings: Mondays
  11. ...spiritual machines: lava lamps
  12. ...eccentric being: furry housecat
  13. What movie would be AWESOME in 3D? oh my God--The Wizard of Oz
  14. Why is it important to write and think clearly? huh?
  15. A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another guy schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the girl. The boyfriend tells this guy to back off. The guy just keeps bothering the girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive guy? no: use your words. And, girl: speak up.
  16. A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another GIRL (lesbian) schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the first girl. The boyfriend tells this girl to back off. The girl just keeps bothering the first girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive girl? no
  17. If you answered yes to one situation and no to the other one, why the double standard? clearly not. It's up to the victim--if she perceives herself as such--to speak her mind. And there's no call for physical responses in the face of emotional discomfort.
  18. What do you think of the name Prue? it's the name of the main character in a book that I once read (Leaving Patrick). I bought the book a month or so ago and it's on my to-read shelf.
  19. What would you spend your last dollar on? Cheetos
  20. Have you ever won an eBay auction? If yes, for what? I think that the only thing that I've ever bought from eBay was curtains, discontinued from Ikea
  21. Would you like it if Blockbuster had a drive-through? what's Blockbuster?
  22. When was the last time you taught someone something and what was it? the greatest thing about one of my best friends is the way we constantly challenge each others' knowledge, poking preconceptions, debating, arguing, laughing at getting one-upped...
  23. Why do adults and teens not understand each other? over-exposure
  24. Are you afraid? yes
  25. Do you trust large drug corporations? "trust"? Definitely not. 
  26. Do you trust the Food and Drug administration? again, I wouldn't use the word "trust"...
  27. If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? it makes vibrations, whether or not there is a person present to absorb them
  28. Four of the five senses are routed through a special area to the brain. One sense goes right to the brain and so is a powerful sense involved with memory and emotion. Which sense do you feel this is? smell
  29. Are you on a ship of fools or a carousel? ship
  30. What is your bathing suit like? black with white dots
  31. Whose line is it, anyway? spooky! I'm watching outtakes from that show on youtube right now
  32. To be or not to be. That is the question. What is the answer? "yup"
  33. Does beauty exist as a definable standard or is beauty in the eyes of the beholder? yes, both
  34. Why do you think it is that so many people have the same idea of who and what is beautiful? because it exists as a definable standard--something about symmetry and balance and Fibonacci
  35. Where do your standards for judging beauty come from? the Midwest
  36. Would a war with Iraq help or harm American economy? lord.
  37. What is the first thing you would do if you saw a nuclear explosion in the distance? relax, maybe send a quick text
  38. Would you like to be cryogenically frozen? ugh, no
  39. Think of the person you love the most. Would you be willing to murder a stranger in order to save that person's life? Why or why not? yes, because my thoughts about him are sometimes not rational, and always protective
  40. Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can? I can imagine it, but I couldn't do it
  41. How messed up is:
    ...your hair?
     very. It wasn't a great hair day.
  42. ...your room? pretty bad
  43. ...your car? really, really, really dirty and salty and winter-ish. I miss living down the road from a detailing shop that did a good job for a fair price! 
  44. ...your life? it gets kind of murky at times
  45. What are you running out of? bread, athletic socks, and Tylenol
  46. What do you live for? love
  47. How did you decide it was worth living for? I try to live without it, and that is more painful than the periodic dings and dents from what I'm doing now
  48. Do you consider some people to be too:
     in a sense, sure
  49. ...conformist? definitely. Maybe the bane of my existence.
  50. ...avant-garde? if it's pointless--avant garde for the sake of being different and not because you feel it--then yes
  51. ...smart? no, I don't see that as a problem
  52. ...stuck up? definitely! There aren't enough exclamation points in the world for that one.
  53. ...modern? too modern? Not in those terms, no.
  54. ...beautiful? too beautiful? Well, I can see how someone can be so attractive or good looking that it detracts from knowing them in various ways.
  55. ...ugly? if I start thinking that way, then I am the ugly one
  56. ...obsessed? pot, meet kettle
  57. ...emotional? see above. It would be hard for me to point the finger there.
  58. ...petty? yeah, there are some very petty folk in my realm these days
  59. ...sneaky? ugh, not going there
  60. ...fat? that's me
  61. ...thin? I think it's possible to literally be too thin, but I'm not one to go around thinking or accusing it
  62. By what criteria do you judge others? I judge people all day long, most of the time without thinking about it or realizing it. We all do. 
  63. Do you look at peoples' words and actions or the underlying reasons for those words and actions? yes, both. Words and actions matter, but so do the reasons behind them.
  64. Which would you rather collect: Simpsons action figures? KISS gear? Anything with a smiley? Horror movies? Simpsons stuff, I guess
  65. Do you fight for your rights? sometimes
  66. Would you rather be a construction worker or a crossing guard? crossing guard, since the construction worker is likely to have to deal with one of my irrational fears (heights) 
  67. What is enough to satisfy you in life? something to read, someplace to write, and something to challenge me
  68. Do you think you have more, less, or average life experience for your age? probably average? Maybe not typical, though.
  69. Why go to college? because I love learning. If I could do nothing but take classes for the rest of my life, I'd be a very happy person.
  70. Have you considered joining a cult instead? it is a sort of cult
[From the 5000-question meme; this is the first half of the thirtieth part (questions 2801-2849). The title quotation is by William Blake]


there are lovelier than you, lovelier. But you are the queen.

I have named you queen.
There are taller than you, taller.
There are purer than you, purer.
There are lovelier than you, lovelier.
But you are the queen.

When you go through the streets
No one recognizes you.
No one sees your crystal crown, no one looks
At the carpet of red gold
That you tread as you pass,
The nonexistent carpet.

And when you appear
All the rivers sound
In my body, bells
Shake the sky,
And a hymn fills the world.

Only you and I,
Only you and I, my love,
Listen to it.

[Pablo Neruda {1904-1973}, 'The Queen', from Love Poems]


my love stirs and breathes and sleeps again

In air heavy
with odor of crocuses,

sensual smell of crocuses,
I watch a lemon sun disappear,

a sea change blue
to olive black.

I watch lightning leap from Asia as

my love stirs and breathes and
sleeps again,

part of this world and yet
part of that.

[Raymond Carver {1938-1988}, 'Two Worlds', from A New Path to the Waterfall]


the lump in his throat was evidence of how much, in spite of everything, he still loved her

  1. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? anything history-related. The first one that came to mind was a project related to the building of the Panama Canal.
  2. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? the job's really not like that
  3. Do you feel:
     gettin' better...
  4. ...unable to evoke change? in some ways
  5. ...like one person can't change the world? nope
  6. ...like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? no
  7. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has?
    ...Albert Einstein
     could? Sure.
  8. ...Abe Lincoln absolutely.
  9. ...Franz Kafka definitely.
  10. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? I'm not sure that's precisely accurate
  11. Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? uh, yeah
  12. Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing literature during his lunch breaks at work? I'm not sure that's true, whether the fact as written or the qualitative assessment
  13. Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? people are people, yes. But there's a lot more to it than that.
  14. Is your mind in the gutter? I've definitely spent some time there
  15. What do you have to complain about? plenty. At the moment, my lungs don't seem to be working quite right. I think I'll be back to the doctor in the next couple of days.
  16. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? sure
  17. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? it wouldn't qualify as a "food" in that case
  18. Hey, if you've gotten this far then you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know...do you like me? probably not
  19. What are you doing, Dave? my favorite Dave is probably falling asleep in front of the TV
  20. As far as love goes, do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone, or find someone who completes you? it really doesn't work that cleanly. What does "become complete" mean, for instance? And if it's so easy to "find someone who completes you," why is anyone alone? Silliness.
  21. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? quick wit, old eyes, and a desire to be there to see how it turns out
  22. Do you need people, or do you not need anyone? good question, and the answer is constantly evolving. At the moment, I need someone, but it's entirely impossible for it to happen. So I'm re-learning how to sort out need from want and wish. And that means I'm probably avoiding all the other people in my life who'd like to be there. These endless, selfish cycles of avoidance and dependence....
  23. Is selfishness always bad? no. The alternative to selfishness is sometimes being a doormat, which is awful for all concerned.
  24. Is selflessness always good? definitely not. One of my colleagues embodies this notion (in the Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds vein). She's all about giving, to the point that when someone else goes through a bad experience, it becomes all about her inability to do enough to fix it or change it or make them feel better. Everyone around them ends up mopping her tears and trying to resolve her angst about her needs and wishes, to the detriment of the actual person whose issue remains unaddressed. That's not "selflessness," but ego and attention-grabbing with a pretty veil over the top. 
  25. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? well, I am pretty dependent upon electricity...
  26. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? there are times when reading this meme is actually painful
  27. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? sure. Every Sunday newspaper (chock full o' advertising), the Superbowl (it's about some sports thing, but mostly about the ads!), and Christmas. Helllooooo commercialism!
  28. What is more important, a picture or its frame? the picture, obviously
  29. What is more important, spirituality or religion? spirituality.
  30. How many definitions can you come up with for the word 'fuck'? seven
  31. Do you rationalize often? every darned day. I think that's another way to describe adulthood.
  32. Do you believe that America is an imperialist nation? has been. I'm not sure I'd go along with that as a current definition.
  33. Would you agree that:
    ...Hot Topic is the new Abercrombie?
     in the sense that it's where some of the cool kids shop? Sure.
  34. ...pink is the new black? pretty much anything can be termed 'the new black'
  35. ...you are the new you? truisms. Sigh.
  36. Do you have more Internet or real life friends? some of my best real life friends are primarily Internet friends, so I really don't make the distinction
  37. What's an easy way to make money? "work"
  38. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? impossible question to answer. I've been told that my vocabulary is uncomfortably vast, and that I have almost no ability to recognize when I've gone off the edge of normal 
  39. Are you uncomfortable? yep. Sore toes and respiratory distress.
  40. Is anything definite besides death and taxes? change
  41. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? I'm starting to believe that you get what you get, and thinking that you have any grasp of it is the ultimate folly
  42. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could conceive, how would you want God to be? a lot like George Harrison
  43. Do you think the Smashing Pumpkins have a strong Christian theme? I don't know enough about them to know, but off the cuff I'm going to guess not
  44. Do you think this survey has a strong Christian theme? no
  45. Fill in the blank for yourself: Give me ____ or give me death! improved airway
  46. Have you ever seen the Neverending Story? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? I haven't seen the movie. I think that would be a very difficult thing to see, but inordinately valuable and ultimately beautiful. I would do it.
  47. What is soilent green? people
  48. What are you proud that you have never done? there are plenty of things, I suppose, when you look at it that way. No out of wedlock kids. No felonies. No making grandmothers cry. 
  49. What things are hopeless? balancing my budget, feeling both physically and mentally healthy at once, or getting my romantic ducks in a row
  50. What are people for? See #47, above
  51. What book do you feel could change someone's life? Jim Kokoris' The Rich Part of Life was pretty revolutionary for me. A cautionary tale, it truly changed my thinking about the many costs of something free. Be careful what you wish for, indeed.
  52. How do you take your coffee? as strong, creamy and sweet (and preferably chocolatey) as possible
  53. Have you ever played:
  54. ...laser tag? no
  55. ...which is better? probably paintball. Anything messy has the edge for me.
  56. In what ways are you lucky? See #48, above. And I have some mindblowingly wonderful friends, a loyal and loving family, and the opportunity to spend time, now and then, with the very best guy.
[From the 5000-question meme; this is the second half of the twenty-ninth part (questions 2751-2800). The title quotation is by Jonathan Franzen, from Freedom]


better to burn it, and to burn with it

More and more it seems I am happy with trees
and the light touch of exhausting morning.
I wake happy with her soft breath on my neck.
I wake happy but I am happier yet.
For my loves are like the leaves in summer.
But oh!, when they fall, and I wake with a start,
will I feel the sting of betrayal and ask, What is this
love, if it has to end, even in death,
or if one might lose it even during a life?
Who will care for such a thing?
Better to cut it down where it stands.
Better to burn it, and to burn with it,
than to turn around to see one's favorite gone.

It began when they cut down the elm and I let them.
When the corkscrew willow withered and I said nothing.
Then when the soft maple began to blow apart,
when the apple tree succumbed to poison,
the pine to a matrix of bugs, the oak to age,
it was my own limbs that were torn off, or so it seemed,
and my love, which had lived through many storms,
died, again and again. Again and again, it perished.
What was I to say then but Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!
Now you see a man at peace, happy and happier yet,
with her breath on the back of his neck in the morning,
and of course you assume it must always have been this way.
But what was I to say, then and now, but Oh! and Oh! Oh!

[Marvin Bell {1937- }, 'Tree as Standing for Something', from Nightworks]


this was your home

Behold, from the land of the farther suns
I returned.
And I was in a reptile-swarming place,
Peopled, otherwise, with grimaces,
Shrouded above in black impenetrableness.
I shrank, loathing,
Sick with it.
And I said to him,
“What is this?”
He made answer slowly,
“Spirit, this is a world;
“This was your home.”

[Stephen Crane {1871-1900}, XXIX {'Behold, from the land of the farther suns'}]


I hope something happens. I'm restless as the devil

  1. What does 'equal' mean? it's like this... 
  2. Do you believe in the phrase 'all men are created equal'? in a sense, yes
  3. What about women? yes--them, too
  4. Have all persons been specifically 'created'? if you believe that sort of thing, yep
  5. Are all persons exactly equal? not in that way, no
  6. Or do they just have equal rights (in theory)? equal rights is a moving target that sort of lived in the past
  7. Does art reflect society or does society reflect art? yes, both
  8. Are you living under a little black raincloud or a ray of sunshine? I can always find the dark cloud over the silver lining. I wish I didn't, and I don't want to, but it's there and it's in my nature to be aware of it.
  9. What do you wonder about? whether I can ever be happy. Whether I'm an inherently positive or negative force in the lives of the people I love. 
  10. What is better..being single and free, or being in love and responsible to another person? the latter. By far. No question.
  11. What vitamins do you take? a multiple, and Biotin + vitamin C, and Calcium + vitamin D
  12. In checkers..red or black? black
  13. Is The Crow a great movie? haven't seen it
  14. Do you wear all black frequently? very rarely. I tend to look like a little, curvy Johnny Cash
  15. Do you ever call yourself a poet, artist, or musician? I don't "call myself" any of that, but I might fall into a couple of those categories from time to time...
  16. Has your writing been published, your art been hung in a gallery or your band been signed? I've been published a couple of times (in vastly different circumstances). Pictures of me have been published many times, but none of my own work. Even better than those bits, though: today, I think I managed to connect a young student with a future mentor. I'm not a huge believer in mentoring in a formal sense; it hasn't done a lot for me, so I have a hard time seeing the real value. But this particular example has a very real-world application that could be truly, long-lasting terrific for all parties concerned. 
  17. Does it matter? the publishing, "hanging," or signing? No. 
  18. When insects get into your house, do you kill them or catch them and take them outside or leave them alone and let them live with you? kill! Kill! Kill!
  19. Name at least one person who's birthday is in:
     my brother
  20. ...February Johnny Walker
  21. ...March my second mother, MJ
  22. ...April D
  23. ...May the Dancing Queen
  24. ...June my mom
  25. ...July my dad
  26. ...August Chocolate Thunder
  27. ...September my favorite male colleague
  28. ...October Dan the Pothead
  29. ...November Rickster
  30. ...December the Mumbler
  31. Do we start to die the day we are born or start to live the day we die? I think that if we're lucky, we come to realize that we're all of us dying--and so we'd better get on with the business of living while we still can
  32. Have you ever called your mom or dad a four letter word? I really hope not
  33. Do you believe America should go to war with Iraq? no
  34. Agree or disagree [with the following clich├ęd statements]?
    “There is too much concern in courts for the rights of criminals.”
  35. “Abortion should be legal.” agree
  36. “The death penalty should be abolished.” disagree
  37. “Marijuana should be legalized.” agree
  38. “It is important to have laws prohibiting homosexual relationships.” disagree
  39. “The federal government should do more to control the sale of handguns.” agree (though the "hand-" ought not to be in there)
  40. “Racial discrimination is no longer a major problem in America.” disagree
  41. “Wealthy people should pay a larger share of taxes than they do now.” agree
  42. “Colleges should prohibit racist/sexist speech on campus.” agree with caveats
  43. “Same-sex couples should have the right to legal marital status.” agree
  44. “Affirmative action in college admissions should be abolished.” agree
  45. “The activities of married women are best confined to the home and family.” disagree
  46. “People should not obey laws which violate their personal values.” disagree
  47. “Federal military spending should be increased.” disagree
  48. “Realistically, an individual can do little to bring about changes in our society.” disagree
  49. Why did you agree or disagree to that last statement? because it is patently wrong, and if every individual believed it, no change would ever occur
  50. Let's say that after you die you become a spirit and you join all the other spirits. Not all of them have lived. You are talking to some who have never lived about how you HAVE lived. One of the spirits who has never lived says they think they will travel to earth in a human body soon and live. They ask you what three things on Earth should I be sure not to miss? You say...
    1. sex
    2. pizza
    3. reading
  51. What kind of ass is the sexiest (flat, round, tight, hard, meaty, juicy, small, big, stacked, packed, petite, barely there, curvy, muscular, etc.)? I'm not really into that? But I'm sure that it's got to be one of those areas where nothing is universal.
  52. Is there something beautiful and special about everyone? no
  53. If yes, was there something beautiful and special about Hitler? no. I mean, he thought that he was brilliant and skilled in many ways, but he was fundamentally flawed in ways that made up for anything that was right about him.
  54. How about Bin Laden? What was it? no. Murderous demon.
  55. Have you ever moshed? If yes, to what bands? If no, then would you ever? nope
  56. Do you like sushi? eh. I don't love it, but I can eat it if it's necessary.
  57. What mood are you in? my head hurts (stop me if you've heard it before), I'm exhausted, and something weird happened today that I can't quite put my finger on. I am...restless. 
  58. What does your mood depend on? all sorts of things, apparently. My health, the weather, my connection (or lack of same) with others, and so on.
  59. What depends on your mood? good question indeed
  60. What is faith? if I knew the answer to that, I suppose I'd either be comforted or rich as all get out
  61. What is common sense? I think if you have to ask, you won't quite get it
  62. Do you have either or both of them? more of the former than the latter these days
  63. Is perfection or imperfection more beautiful? perfection is beautiful in its way, but imperfection captures the heart
  64. Do you think that song lyrics are poems with music? absolutely
  65. Who's your favorite wrestler? the Rock
  66. Have you ever been trapped in an elevator? only intentionally
  67. What is more important, tact or honesty? each has its place, for sure, but overall I am more in favor of honesty
  68. Do you have a mentor? Who? see #16, above. Interesting that I've never written about this before and it comes up twice in the same day.
  69. If you like guys:
    ...would you rather have a 'bad' guy (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' guy (family, domesticated, nice guy)?
     I'm in love with a bad guy who lives a mostly good life, and it's breaking my heart, slowly and long term
  70. Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced guy? virgins are terrifying
  71. Do you feel nervous in crowds? yep, both from a practical (strategic) sense and from a theoretical, emotional one
  72. Do you like to play the lottery? gambling is both appealing and repellent to me
  73. Why did you choose to live one more day? the alternative is not to be considered
  74. What is the most beautiful myth you have ever read/heard? only that love can win in the end
  75. Have you ever been stood up? uh, yeah
  76. Finish the following sentences any way you want.
    It's always darkest before..
     you find the light switch
  77. Never underestimate the power of.. Legos in the soul of your feet
  78. Don't bite the hand that.. isn't plump enough yet
  79. A miss is as good as a.. mademoiselle
  80. If you lie down with dogs, you.. get all furry
  81. Love all, trust.. me
  82. The pen is mightier than.. the gate
  83. An idle mind is.. a fine thing to waste
  84. Where there is smoke, there's.. OMGWTFBBQ
  85. Happy is the bride who.. wins
  86. Two is company, three's.. a trio
  87. None are so blind as.. a deer
  88. You get out of something what you.. carefully remove with tweezers
  89. When the blind lead the blind.. the lemmings dance
  90. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.. you get a soggy shirt
[From the 5000-question meme; this is the first half of the twenty-ninth part (questions 2701-2750). The title quotation is by F. Scott Fitzgerald, from This Side of Paradise]