the world won't last. What are You? What am I?

    This is the newest in a recurring series called The Interview Game, the first of which was conducted by Michael and posted here, and the most recent of which was conducted by The Onion and posted here. These questions were posed by my mysterious friend Elliott.     

    Questions are always welcome, to appear in future posts. Add in the comments or send them directly to me by private message.

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1. You inherit a perfectly ordinary house from a mysterious relative. In the attic, you discover one locked trunk. Inside can be anything except money. What do you hope is in it, and why? 

    a novel, handwritten, never published. Preferably hand-illustrated as well. To be able to read something that is essentially secret until that moment would be amazing. Even if it's not the best work ever written, it would be an honor and a gift. 

 

2. You've written before about films, books, objects, places, and even rooms that seem to gather emotional weight over time. What's something you own that has become far more important to you than it had any right to be when you first acquired it? 

    putting aside the obvious things like letters from friends who've died... the first thing that comes to mind is my wedding ring. I've long since traded away the engagement ring (for the diamond earrings I'm wearing right this moment, in fact). The wedding band, I had made smaller so it fits my pinkie, and also had the inscription buffed out. I wear it on a chain with some other charms. The ring seems to stand for affection and loyalty, and the idea that I was once the kind of person who could be so loving, and so loved. 

 

3. You have one free day, no obligations, no errands, no guilt, and a modest amount of spending money. What does the day actually look like from waking up to going to bed? 

    sleep, eat, read, sleep, eat, movies, sleep. My desires are simple.

    If it had to involve going out, I'd wander the downtown bookstore near the financial company where I used to work, then get red beans & rice from the BBQ place. I'd come home, eat spicy food, and read - probably poetry. 

 

4. What's a belief or assumption you held at twenty that you now find charming, misguided, incomplete, or surprisingly correct?

    charming: love wins in the end

    misguided: "I deserve it" is sufficient reason for whatever indulgence appeals at the moment

    incomplete: any phrase starting education is..., education will..., or education justifies...

    surprisingly correct: living away, at least for a while, is the right thing for me to do 

 
5. Suppose a friend who knows you very well is asked to describe you in one paragraph. What's the thing you hope they mention, and what's the thing you suspect they'd mention instead?

    I would hope they would mention sometimes-surprising thoughtfulness, e.g. well-chosen cards. I would suspect they would mention organization or detail (which I consider a thing that I do, but not necessarily a thing that I am).

 

6. What's the most beautiful thing you've ever bought for a completely impractical reason?

    this photo print ("Couples, Princes Street Gardens, Edinburgh (1966)") by Robert Blomfield, upon which I splurged—big time—and that I never, ever regretted. It hangs in my bedroom (now with a tiny watering can and an even tinier glass cat perched on the frame) and always, always brings me peace and joy to see. (Read this post for more on the subject.) Owning something purely for the feelings it gives to look at it is highly impractical, but by no means irrational. 

 

7. What subject could someone accidentally get you talking about for three hours?

    houseplant care

8. What's something you've become better at letting go of?

   tangible evidence of affection. Sometimes it's better to appreciate a memory as a memory and not by way of a thing.

 

9. Which movie scene would you most like to step into and inhabit for one hour?

    the ending scene of This is Not What I Expected (2017). Quiet sunset,
congenial company. Possibility. 

10. If future historians were reconstructing your life from the contents of your home, what conclusion would they get spectacularly wrong?

    it seems like my eBay inventory might give the idea that I'm a scholar, a tech geek, and maybe a machinist. And that I wear an extremely strange array of clothing and shoes.

[the title quotation is by Yunus Emre, from The Drop That Became the Sea: Lyric Poems]

it's not stupid to want to put on a pretty dress and feel beautiful for a night

1. If you had to eliminate one emotion from your life, which would it be? 

    fear

2. If you could have done one thing with one of your teachers, what would it be, and with whom?

    this question made me laugh, hard. I had an English prof that haunted my dreams, in a good way. He appears in my answers here.

    To be full serious and above-board, though, I will say that I would have liked to have tried to write an article with my grad school mentor. He is a prolific writer, a brilliant teacher, and very well known in the field. It would have been an incredible boon to my career. (He retired as senior historian at a major Second World War museum.)

    For that matter, do have done the same with my softer/kinder grad school hero might've been even better. He's a more basically decent person, and the experience would have been rewarding and fun. (He remains a full professor at the school where I knew him.)

3. If you had to name the most difficult goodbye you've ever said, what would it be? 

    if I can make it broad, I would choose The Flatland, in general. Leaving my life there broke me, in certain ways that can never heal.

    If it has to be a person, it's Chris. He was proud of me, and glad for me, and as sad as I was. The hug, in the parking lot of Cabana Charley's, lasted so long. We didn't want to let go. 

    If it's any goodbye...then it's the boy kitties I've loved and lost. 

4. If you could remove one marking from your skin, which one would it be?     

    besides the tattoos (sigh), it's a cherry angioma just below my left collarbone. It's almost but not quite out of my visual range, so I can just barely see it, and it looks like a bug, and I've tried to scratch it off ten billion times. They aren't inherently dangerous, but the scratching can cause (relatively) profuse bleeding. I want that thing gone. 

5. If you could have won a single thing you tried for in your lifetime but didn't win, what would it be? 

    the local library job would have been nice. It's a not-funny joke that to get a job in that field anymore, you have to know people or bump someone off. Alas.

    

6. If you could live in a past era just so you could wear the clothes in fashion at the time, when would it be? 

    1950s

7. If you could suddenly be irresistibly charming for one day only, what would you do? 

    negotiate a car loan, a raise, and a date with the 2 O'Clock Man

 [from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Stephanie Perkins, from Lola and the Boy Next Door]

the days go by I can feel them flyin' Like a hand out the window As the cars go by

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, 

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, 

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

 Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 

Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’. 

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

 He was my North, my South, my East and West, 

My working week and my Sunday rest, 

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong. 

 The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, 

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, 

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; 

For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

 [W.H. Auden {1907-1973} 'Funeral Blues', from The Art of Losing {Kevin Young, ed.}]

---

Reading. Always a book nearby. 

 

Sitting on the floor at her knee, weeping. Her gentle presence neither encouraging nor judging the tears, but just being there with me.

 

Driving to the next state over, to help the son move house.

 

Book recommendations, including Martin Sloane (which made her literally chuck it at the wall after the last page, exactly like I had done when I read it). 

 

Redecorating, all in green.

 

A visit to the far-west suburbs to buy a couple of gifts - I particularly remember picking out earrings - before my trip to Dallas to Meet a Man.

 

Medical appointments. Surgeries. Recovery. Pain. Perseverance. Faith. Strength. Selflessness. Fortitude.

 

Review journals, paperclips, and endless notes of books to buy.

 

Practically pinning her to the chair to watch The Princess Bride for the first time. She was so reluctant to watch a movie she thought would be dumb, but ended up loving.

 

Driving around in the evening (turning to late night), talking ourselves hoarse, laughing a lot and crying a little. Nearly running out of gas until I finally limped into a lit (but unmanned) station, thank goodness for pay-at-the-pump.

 

The trip of a lifetime, to the left coast, for a wedding.

 

Not "long-suffering." Not "always positive." Not "uncomplaining." A real, whole, full, flawed, feeling person.

 

Pizza delivery. Stuffed green peppers. Chicken-on-a-Plate. 

 

Phone calls.

 

Texts. 

 

Late-night talks.

 

The kitties.

 

Hair-twirling snarkiness that would shock almost anyone else (who could believe such a thing of the saintly Fluffy?)

 

Homemade sloppy joes, every time I moved house (and there were so many moves!), because she "couldn't really help."

 

Cards and letters in the most beautiful (and distinctive) handwriting.

 

Scones, tea. Quiet Sunday mornings.

 

Sympathy. Empathy. Grace. Friendship. Love.

 [the title quotation is by Keith Urban, from "Days Go By"]

he who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak

1 How frequently do you purchase lottery tickets or mail in sweepstakes registrations?
 Have you ever won anything from them? 

    I don't often buy them, but I am given lottery tickets now and then. As long as it's within appropriate limits, it's a little purchase of fun and hope, not a problem. I've won as much as $200 on a scratch ticket a few times.

    Sweepstakes registrations are not my thing. I've done it in the past, winning a bunch of stuff (including a very nice Montblanc pen). There have also been a few skill-based contests, back when that was popular. (My biggest win was a standing golf bag.) Those sorts of things are counterproductive, though, since it opens the floodgates of junk mail and widely disseminates one's contact information. In an era where privacy is a myth and personal security is tenuous, it makes sense to lock down as much as possible.

2 Are you a hugger or a non-hugger? 

    I am a hugger for sure, though I'm extremely selective about the recipients. Maybe it was the pandemic, or possibly the accumulated interpersonal and psychological upsets that have come from and since that time—but something's made me far less eager or even willing to so much as touch another person. 

    Among the all-time great hugs ever, I've written about one (Two O'Clock Man and perfection) and thought a lot about the other. I had a dear friend who was somewhat long-distance, but who happened to be in the area and available for a few hours. We enjoyed a lovely, leisurely meal at the steakhouse (ironic, given his vegetarianism, that it was his choice). He drove me home, we said our goodbyes, then hugged. It was an outstanding hug, 10/10, and went on far longer than the typical embrace. It felt intimate, not sexual, and warm. It was also startling, and we were both a little bashful afterward. Great hug.

3 What inspires you to write? 

    good question. Sometimes it's inspiration, other times it's desperation. Sometimes it's pro-mental health, other times it's bad mental health. Guilt. Procrastination. Fun, joy. Distraction. Disengagement. Nostalgia. Sometimes there's no inspiration at all, just force of will. 

4 When you find yourself in an argument, do you prefer to leave and resolve it later or stay and settle it right away? 

    y'know, I'm just not a fan of arguments. I don't think they are "necessary" or "helpful" or "appropriate" (very often). The mere fact of argument makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. 

    That doesn't mean I'm Pollyanna. Of course there will be times when any two people disagree. But, in the spirit in which this question is intended, I think it does WAY more harm than good. 

    Anyway, somewhere between A. Stay and fight it out, or B. Leave and settle it later, there's a middle ground (let's call it Greenland) where you say what needs to be said at the time but stop before it blows up, and then take some time by yourself to take a breath and calm down before addressing it again. 

    I've had some experience arguing with someone who pushed and pushed and pushed, and took my need for space as immaturity or denial. That led to some profoundly regrettable stuff being said and a lot of time wasted, angry as Hell. 

5 What's your preference: motorcycle, dirt bike, moped, mountain bike, racing bike, scooter, or unicycle?

    I might ride a moped or scooter in an emergency. The rest of it ain't gonna happen. 

6 What nightmare woke you up in a panic? 

    the Glenn Ford film Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (1962; reviewed here) came back in weird, distressing dreams for the week or so after I watched it. Melodramatic and loud, the nightmares were a chaotic frenzy of pointless activity (and some dancing), all with people wearing way too much makeup.

7 If you could write a best-selling book, what would you write about? 

    my thinly-veiled autobiography, please

 [from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is from Michel de Montaigne]

the problem with introspection is that it has no end

1. If you were asked for an example of where and how you learned to love, what would you say? 

     when I was 12 years old, my brother was working on our uncle's farm, about 5 miles away. He would ride over on his little motorcycle before and after school. One afternoon upon arriving home, he got off the cycle with his jean jacket buttoned all the way to the top, which was not his usual look. He was also clutching his torso. Very carefully, he unbuttoned the jacket—revealing two tiny kittens. Their mother was no longer alive and they were too little to care for themselves. 

    We nursed those kittens, whose eyes were barely open, using a little bottle of warmed milk (many times per day!). They lived in a big laundry basket lined with towels and featuring a tiny sandbox. They soon graduated to kitten food, and made their way out of their basket.

    They were so cute, and so much fun, and from the start I was helplessly, painfully in love. 

 

2. If you had to name the event that most challenged your faith in the human soul, what would you say? 

    someone I used to know ended their marriage shortly after returning home from their extensive, expensive honeymoon. They timed it that way to squeeze all the benefit from the marriage before moving their paramour into what had been the couple's home. I found it revolting, treachery on a level that I hadn't personally experienced before. 

 

3. If you had to name the most difficult thing for you to talk about, what would it be? (You don't need to talk about it, just name it.) 

    loss 

 

4. If you found out you were terminally ill and could do one thing to put your soul in order,

what would it be? 

    my soul is not perfect, but neither is it out of order. There is no one thing wearing on my conscience or emotions that is within my powers to resolve, much less to handle while terminally ill.  

 

5. If you had to elect the time when your ego took the biggest blow, when would it be? 

     the end of my job at the law firm was devastating in ways I couldn't even start to see at the time. It exploded my self-image into tiny pieces.

 

6. If you were to name an omen or sign that helped you choose a path in your life, what would you say?

    signs are easy to identify in hindsight, aren't they? 

7. If you could have an angel whisper one thing in your ear every day, what would you want to hear?

    "go back to sleep"

 

 [from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Philip K. Dick, from The Transmigration of Timothy Archer]

one cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well

1. What was your favorite snack as a kid, and do you still eat it now? 

    Pate's Cheese Pops, which apparently don't exist even on sentimental-food websites. Kind of like Cheetos but less crunchy and more crispy, and also WAY more coated with cheese powder. (I originally spelled that "power", which comes closer to the truth!) 

 

2. What’s the weirdest food combination you genuinely enjoy? 

    leftover rice with cinnamon sugar and milk. Based on some unsolicited feedback, this is among the strangest combos ever consumed by a human.

 

3. Have you ever eaten something abroad that you wish you could find at home? 

    not "abroad" but in a different region of the country, yeah. Greek chicken, Chicago-style pizza (the thin kind), anything Cuban...

 

4. What’s a food you resisted for years, only to finally fall in love with? 

    I wouldn't have used "in love" to describe it, but it was only after Chris cooked them for me that I even started to realize that green beans are food worth eating. My subsequent affection for them may be more about him than it is about the beans themselves, but vegetables don't discriminate.   

 

5. Write about a family recipe that connects you to your roots. 

    besides those I've written about before... Jello cookies. Basic sugar cookie dough, but with a box of Jello powder replacing some of the sugar. They're vaguely fruity, fun-colored, and deeply reminiscent of Valentine's Day and Christmas of my childhood. 

 

6. If you had to eat one cuisine for the rest of your life, which would it be and why? 

    Italian. It's varied, satisfies my inner carnivore and also the desire for pasta. I probably do eat from that cuisine at least twice a week. 

 

7. What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever eaten? 

    besides alligator—which wasn't really all that adventurous, since I didn't have to wrestle him to the death before I ate him—I'd say strip-mall Chinese food in Mississippi. It wasn't my choice, and it was not good. 

 

[ChatGPT blog meme questions, a set called 🍴 Food & Eating, Plate 1: Nostalgia & Curiosity; the title quotation is by Virginia Woolf, from A Room of One’s Own]

life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is

1. If you could be teleported to any destination in the world, where would it be? 

     I'm good here, thanks

 

2. When was the last time you started a conversation with a stranger? 

    probably at a greenhouse or craft fair, as a means of extricating myself from an even more socially awkward situation if that's even possible. I was once pinned down by a guy who makes and sells mead, given the focused and hard-sell push based on its health benefits and delicious taste. It actually tastes like bile, just before you're gonna vomit (at least, his sample tasted like that). There was another shopper near me, and I very shamelessly asked that person if they'd tried a sample of mead. The tenuous connection made between seller and potential buyer, I split the scene. 

 

3. You've won an all-expenses-paid trip but you've just sixty seconds to choose a destination. Where do you choose? 

    Chicago. I love a good trip to the "war zone" in the autumn. I would visit the bookstore, maybe see a ballgame, stop by a park or two. Get a nice meal. Stay in a lakefront hotel. Visit some friends. 

 

4. When was the last time you spoke to your neighbors? Do you know their names? 

    yesterday, when I was introduced to one of their great-granddaughters. Yes, I know their names. I also know their birthdays, and what they like to eat for dinner. We often have two or three conversations each week. They are darling. 

 

5. Which actor is in real life most like the characters they play? 

    how would I know? Have I met an actor in a real life? (No.)  

 

6. If you could go back in time, would you attend college? Why? 

    absolutely. I might even go to a non-state school, and try to get a degree in something applicable to my future. Or, then again, I might go to the same school and take it seriously, drink less (or not at all) and party never. And then take grad school seriously, and then get a Ph.D. in History like I could have, rather than go to law school and focus on something completely different.

 

7. What's the biggest favor you've asked someone to do for you? 

    the exact nature of the favor will remain a secret. The important thing is that I asked it of someone who didn't have any reason to expect it would be asked, and they assented without hesitation. When I remember that sacrifice and what it did for me, I am helplessly, almost painfully grateful.  

 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Margaret Mitchell, from Gone with the Wind]

I can’t distinguish between what’s platonic and what isn’t, because it’s all too much and not enough at the same time

1. If you could have one piece of jewelry belonging to someone you know personally, what would you pick? 

    feh. If I want it, I can buy it for myself. I'm not going to snatch something of someone else's. 

    Also, my friends and family tend more toward the dangling and eye-catching, while my taste in jewelry is a single stone in a stud earring or on a chain. 

 

2. If you could ask your best friend one question you have never had the nerve to ask, what would it be? 

     "what is it about me that makes me worthy of friend-ness?" 

 

3. If you could guarantee the happiness of any single person in the world because they most deserve it, who would it be? 

    this is a dangerous question. It presumes that happiness is The Goal, and that some people don't deserve it. Anyway, happiness isn't as perfect as it seems to be. There are lumps in it.

 

4. If you could have had your mind changed on one issue or decision in your lifetime, what would it have been? 

    the value of staying in shape, when I was in my early 20s. Newly married. I was eating well-made food designed just for my taste, or being treated to dinner, often (meaning, I was a little spoiled). I was lazy, satisfied, and convinced that I'd "earned"...whatever. A treat. Ice cream at the fantastic place in town. Parmesan breadsticks with the pizza order. Crispy M&Ms. Years without intentional exercise. 

    I'm paying the price now, and it sucks that it could have been avoided.  

 

5. If you could receive more affection from someone you know from now on, who would you want it to be from? 

    I'd like to be missed, and to be told that I've been missed, by someone who's not capable of saying it. To be fair, they probably think that it wouldn't be welcome. We haven't talked in a year or so, and things had been a little weird before that, even. Still, we've known each other since we were kids, and always had a connection, and could pick up where we left off if we both gave it some effort and humility.

 

6. If you could have the vocabulary of any person you know, who would you pick? 

    Hal Hartley. The dialog of his movies is phenomenal.

 

7. If you could be caressed by the hands of any person you have known platonically, whose would they be? 

    the animal-brained lawyer, or one of my other attorneys—and, of course, that all depends on the definition of "platonically" 

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is from Jack Kerouac]

we ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters

1. Who in your extended family makes you laugh the hardest and why? 

    my mom's next-younger sister, from whom I got my middle name. She is a joyful, earthy, irreverent weirdo with a wicked sense of humor and almost zero filter. There is a photograph of her in an album at my parents', showing her laughing so hard that tears have pooled in her eyes, with one hand up as if to wave away the camera. Just thinking of that picture can make me laugh aloud.

    This aunt is the one with whom my mom has been closest over the years. The relationship was my example of how sisters could be with each other. The contrast with how my life turned out is so strong.

 

2. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person that was about them? 

    never. I have to be careful about that sort of thing when communicating at work—some topics really are strictly confidential—and it's spilled over into my private life as well. Before sending anything, I verify the recipient.

 

3. What is your honest opinion about your first kiss? 

    mild regret, I suppose, and a little smidge of dismay. If I could go back, I'd have saved it up for a better moment, and definitely a better partner, than the one I chose. It wasn't a terrible kiss, and the circumstances could have been way worse. I just wish it had been with someone I genuinely liked afterward. 

 

4. What’s the funniest thing that happened at a family wedding? 

    this is funny only in retrospect! 

    I'd been chosen (i.e. "volunteered") to serve punch at a cousin's wedding reception. Given my vast numbers of cousins, this wasn't a rare occurrence and I really didn't give it a second thought until the day of... which happened to follow a night of heavy drinking and heavy making out. I guess I didn't realize how heavy it all was until after I'd showered and dressed and then looked in the mirror, only to find what appeared to be a shark bite on my neck. After considering and rejecting various methods of concealment such as hair-over-one-shoulder, makeup, bandage, or jaunty scarf, I ended up with the classic turtleneck and shorts ensemble that's ever so appropriate on a Midwestern summer day. I looked ridiculous but did not look like I'd been doing what I'd been doing the night before. Success!

 

5. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done for love? 

    besides going to a family wedding with a shark bite? Oh, God: it's the mix CD I made for the animal-brained lawyer, which is so mortifyingly direct that it still makes my cheeks burn to recall it. He, as always, responded with aloof amusement that approached indifference, and has not mentioned it since then. Gaahhhh

 

6. What’s the worst hairstyle you ever had? 

    there was a phase in maybe 8th grade where my hair looked like it came from another planet. It was probably not the fault of the stylist but a combination of a sudden burst of hormones, the terrible hair choices of the era (hello, Sun-In and tight perms), and my complete inability to style my own hair. My naturally light brown hair was a sort of orange-beige that does not exist in nature. My normally straight hair was wound into not-quite-poodle-tight curls that reached just above my shoulders. And my typically healthy, albeit fine, hair was dry and split. Liberal application of a high-quality conditioner could have resolved a lot of it, but it lasted like that for probably half the school year. 

 

7. Describe the circumstances around the biggest lie you’ve ever told without getting caught. 

    I was involved with someone whose presence in my life I could only vaguely explain, because any clearer truth would have been abhorrent to the listeners and emotionally difficult for me. And the secret was not mine to tell. That meant I was constantly on the edge of saying too much, or the wrong thing—or holding back precisely what I needed to talk about. Courting danger.

 

8. What’s the silliest thing you have an emotional attachment to? 

     glancing around the room, I see many choices that would make good answers to this question. I think it's my tabletop groundhog. 

He sits on the bedside table in my guest room. He reminds me of friends, laughter, and being loved even long-distance. 

 

[from here, divided and adapted; the title quotation is from the movie Groundhog Day]

just because I have a successful dog act doesn't mean I can walk up to the lion cage and do as well

11. What is a typical day like for you? 

    work, walk, eat, watch, read, sleep

 

20. What’s your favorite restaurant? Why? 

    Eleven Eleven Mississippi in St Louis, MO. The meal that I had there was outstanding from start to finish, and the location and the space itself are top-notch. The waitstaff is helpful and fun without intruding on an incredible meal. I would go back to STL specifically for another meal there, anytime.

 

23. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received? 

     six years ago, the person I was dating placed a blooming plant in the flower bed outside my office window, along with a stone rabbit. (The bed would, a couple days later, be planted with a huge variety of colorful flowers, too.) The picture I'm posting is not nearly reflective of the power of the gesture. Flowers are sweet in almost any circumstance, and making a surprise of them can be a lovely spontaneous gift. Taking the time to and going to the effort of buying and planting them, though, is extraordinary. And doing all of that in a highly public location necessarily involving people who knew us both—and didn't know the why behind it—was brave and crazy and very, very dear. 

    Taking the chance to love and be loving is never the wrong choice.

 

24. What’s the neatest surprise you’ve ever planned and pulled off for someone else? 

    is a sad surprise still 'neat'? My college best friend's dad had died. I was living on the Flat, and naturally had to work when the funeral was planned. She didn't expect me to be there, but I was able to take off work and drive up for the service. When she saw me, there were of course lots of tears but mostly just gratitude for the friendship. 

 

30. Describe a costume that you wore to a party. 

    one of the years that we worked together at the library, I dressed as Chris for our Halloween shift. I don't recall the whole of it, but it involved jeans, cowboy boots, and—the pièce de résistance—a pair of white-rimmed sunglasses. I had been telling him for ages that his sunglasses were doofy and ridiculous, and he scoffed at my objections ... until he saw himself reflected in my outfit. I wish I had a photograph of the two of us on that day, because he was both touched and mortified and it was terribly funny.

 

32. What song reminds you of an incident in your life? 

    I used to make mixtapes, and some of them have survived still. Just yesterday I put in a mix I'd made for Emerald Man, and every track took me back to the last time that we saw each other. For instance, Elbow's "Switching Off".

 You're the only sense the world has ever made
This, I need to save 

33. What’s the most memorable meal you’ve eaten? 

    see #20, above. The entree was boar ravioli with vodka sauce, accompanied by a brain-explosion of a delicious, alcoholic drink; dessert was shared tiramisu with part of a glass of surprisingly expensive port. The meal lasted close to two hours and was one of the finest days of my life. 

 

37. Tell me about your family. 

    no.

 

43. Describe your first away-from-home living quarters or experience.

     the summer between freshman and sophomore years in college, I lived by myself in a rented house. It had been billed as living with a friend from work and her friend, but both of them went home early. The house itself was surprisingly nice, well-kept and structurally sound. (This town is known for its crappy college housing options.) I had the master bedroom, spacious and light. It was also astoundingly convenient to work and school, by comparison to living out of town for the previous 18 years. The downsides: my bedroom was first floor, front of the house, so I got street noise; the girls and all their friends were drunk most of the time, so there was some damage done; and the landlord was allowing someone to 'squat' in the garage "temporarily", which was ominous and disconcerting. I was not too upset to move out in August. 

 

[from The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression by Debra Fine; the title quotation is by Eddie Rabbitt]

you can have a hangover from other things than alcohol

1 Have you ever had a sexy phone call? 

    the way this is phrased is kinda creepy, as if the thing was imposed upon me and not by mutual consent

 

2 Have you ever splurged on something and then regretted it? 

    definitely! Most notorious: the Nordic Track, which seemed like such a good idea at the time. I've also spent a fortune over the course of my life on clothing I would never wear. However, the most painful extravagance was going way overboard on a gift for someone who liked the gift so much that he delayed his planned break-up of our relationship simply so that I wouldn't make him give it back.

 

3 Have you ever taken a sexy photo? 

    yes. It would have been good already, but my skill as a photographer made it even better

 

4 What is the most embarrassing thing you do when you're home alone? 

    this is a koan, right? 

        Embarrassment is feeling ill at ease with someone else. 

            If one is alone, there is no 'someone else'. 

                So it's impossible to embarrass oneself when alone.

 

5 What's one thing you've never done but always wanted to try in a relationship? 

    to make it last

 

6 What's the biggest mistake you've ever made? 

    there are ever so many to choose from! The first that comes to mind is turning down a good job that I really wanted, and for which I'd interviewed more than once, in order to accept the position at the law firm that I grew to loathe and from which I was relieved of duty less than a year later. 

 

7 What's the boldest thing you've ever done to get someone's attention?

    I'm sure there's some stuff from the college era that I don't remember.... As a grown-up, it was sending thank-you notes to a large group of people in order to make one of them particularly special. It hit the mark, had the desired effect, and is still discussed from time to time. I write a damned good note, yo.

 

8 What's the story behind your worst hangover? 

    I hadn't been dating my then-boyfriend (later, husband) for very long. We were at his apartment after school/work and decided to run out for an early dinner. My car was parked around back, off the alley. We had to walk down to the front and then around the side of the block. When we got close enough, we were hailed by an acquaintance (Edward) who was manning the door at the bar kitty-corner across the street. He said it was dead in there, and we should come over—he'd buy us a drink. Never one to turn down booze, either of us, we readily agreed.

    We sat at that bar, drinking on empty stomachs. The bar stools were bolted to the floor, but at some point I started trying to move mine closer to the bar (I'm a little short) and fell off of it, repeatedly. H was drinking heavily as well, but his tolerance was even better than mine.

    After they'd closed up, we all (bartender, wait staff, and bouncers) had a few. Then H and Edward and I stumbled our way across the street to H's, where the guys drank a tequila sunrise or two, and I passed out. 

    A couple of hours after Edward went home, I straggled to the bathroom to vomit. I kept doing that on and off for more than twelve hours. H left for school as usual; I was far too sick to go. I also couldn't go to work that night. I couldn't even think about eating anything until the second day, and when all was said and done I'd lost several pounds. It was also the last time I drank brandy, or Long Island Iced Tea. For that matter, it was the last time I hung out with Edward.

 

9 Would you be happy with below average sex if your relationship was otherwise perfect? 

    perfect is a hard row to hoe, and sex does actually matter to a relationship. It creates and allows for closeness and connection, space and attention, that nothing else can quite manage.

 

10 Would you ever consider going on a dating reality show? 

    absolutely never

 

11 Would you marry someone from a different religion? 

    ha! I might even marry someone from no religion, if it came to that

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Raymond Chandler, from The Big Sleep]

what good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness

1. How would your pet describe you?

    I don't exactly have a pet, but if I did he would call me still, comfortable, affectionate, silly, and responsive.

 

2. Share a story... 

    I sometimes use the phrase "oh friend of friends". It comes from a Peanuts strip that I read somewhere way back and never quite let go. Snoopy's relationship with Woodstock is much more complex than it seems, and this strip literally leaves a lump in my throat every time.

3. What do you pack in your beach / hiking bag?

    water, sunscreen, lip balm with sunscreen, a protein bar, and a towel

 

4. How do you like to spend great weather weekends?

    two long walks, preferably one on an unusual route. A little more sleep than normal. Reading, watching a movie or two, maybe working a jigsaw puzzle. Cooking something more elaborate than typical fare, and prehaps baking if conditions allow.

 

5. Describe a time when the circumstances fell in your favor.

    when I wanted to move closer to home—a decade ago, already!—I managed to apply for a job, get an interview, and get hired, all during a vacation up here that was not planned for that purpose. I had to buy "interview clothes" (which ended up falling short of the very strict dress code of the company anyway) and get a haircut, but it was little price to pay to make that move possible. Overall it was a kismet experience.

 

6. Which summer sounds do you enjoy? 

    birds with unique calls, breeze through leaves, and (rare around here) ice cream trucks

 

7. It’s not really summer until...

    my neighbors disrupt every damned day with lawnmowers, leaf blowers, four-wheelers, wood chippers, chainsaws, weed-whackers, and every other engine-powered yard toy they can find

 

8. What music are you listening to these days? 

    whatever's on the radio or playing incidentally. I'm not in a seeking-out-music phase lately.

 

9. How much has changed since last summer? 

    most things have only changed by degrees. I'm a little more solitary, eating somewhat better (i.e. less badly), probably more mentally healthy, a little better off financially (subject to change without notice). I watch more movies, read more books, and take more consistent care of housework.

 

10. What are your favorite things to wear in summer? 

    more often than not I'm in shorts, a short-sleeved t-shirt, and athletic socks. I like skorts (good GOD, I never thought I'd use that phrase in my lifetime) and short-sleeved button-up shirts with sandals but really only wear that sort of thing for 'an event'. For that matter, my feet are no longer the darling showpieces that they used to be, now looking like the tools (for walking) that they are.

 

11. What do you miss about winter, when it's the middle of summer? 

    the quiet and pure beauty of a heavy snowfall.

    tucking into a blanket or three, especially for a long sleep.

    cooking and baking. 

    boots and sweaters and jackets with pockets.

    car seat heat. There's no warm-weather equivalent!

 

12. How would you spend summer vacation as an adult? 

    a whole summer off? I experienced that in 2022 and can't recommend it. Well, I guess if it was voluntary and not externally imposed it would be different. Financially if not practically. My surprise summer off was not wholly awful, and was not wasted, but it was a tight squeeze and nothing I want to go through again.

 

13. Describe your ideal get together/party.

    it's just me and one cat, sitting by the window and watching the squirrels

 

14. What makes you feel like part of your community? 

    I'm on the board of my homeowner's association, albeit by necessity and not by choice. It feels entirely like a forced march and I loathe everything about it (except one or two of the other directors). My tour of duty ends in December, 2027, and I will serve not one moment longer. 

    Apart from that, or maybe because of it, I feel part of this place when my neighbors wave as I drive in or out, or when I go by on my way to my campus walk-route. After almost four years they have finally sort of started to recognize me. To be fair most of my neighbors are rather elderly and maybe can't see to recognize anyone.

 

15. How was your July 2024?

    judging by the blog, I watched a boatload of movies and otherwise must have been pretty busy because I only posted a dozen times. 

 

[from here; the title quotation is by John Steinbeck, from Travels with Charley: In Search of America]

nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism

If you had to conduct all electronic communication with your friends and colleagues using only one of the following—phone, text, email, or social media—which would you choose and how do you think it would change your relationships? 

    text, for sure. I'm coming to loathe social media, find that email is more pressure than pleasure, and of course I passionately hate the telephone. 

    How would it change my relationships? Not at all. Most people I know are only in contact with me by text, too. One person tenaciously refuses to stop calling, but I have basically given up answering. I use my phone only for calling out, and then only for business purposes that cannot be handled otherwise.

 

When you are with your friends, do your interactions include much hugging, kissing, roughhousing, rubbing backs, and such? Would you like to have less or more of such touching?

    I have some huggy friends and some reserved friends. There is a woman who always hugs repeatedly during any interaction (and often tears up); there is another who, to my recollection, has never actually touched me (nor anyone else in my presence). I have a male friend who kisses on the mouth (platonically), another who hugs but at a distance, and several others with whom I've never been at a hug stage. I suppose it depends on our relationship, and the immediate circumstances (are we in an aisle at the busy grocery store, or saying hello when meeting for a leisurely dinner after months' absence?), and who is watching. 

    During high school and college I was much more physically affectionate than I am now. It's been caused by a combination of factors, such as surviving the pandemic, experiencing the ebb and flow of friendship, and even simple aging. Touches are more rare and so more treasured and thoughtfully given rather than gorged like dip on chips.

 

Do you think that having a deep, enduring feeling of fulfillment about what you are presently doing would enhance or diminish your life? In what ways might such feelings alter your current relationships? 

   what if I already do have "a deep, enduring feeling of fulfillment about what [I am] presently doing"?

    Fulfillment seems like a moving target, like "happiness" or "success". When I was 18, decorating a cake was fulfilling, and decorating 50 cakes in a bakery shift was a good day's work. Now, decorating a cake for anything but personal consumption would be a pain in the hands, a struggle for the eyes, and a waste of time.

 

If you could become brilliant by having a visible scar stretching from your mouth to your ear, would you? 

    and the logical connection between a facial scar and brilliance is...? 

Ah, that's right, there is a precedent.

    I don't welcome physical pain or disfigurement, and I am probably "brilliant" enough to get by in the world today. I'll say No to this one.

If a close friend asked, and genuinely wanted, your opinion, but you knew he'd find it painful—for example, he's an artist and asks your honest appraisal of his artistic talent, and you think he's lousy—would you tell him the truth? 

    ugh, this one is hard to answer. If someone is a good friend, then my inexpert opinion about their hobby or skill or artistic expression means less than the friendship. For me to say, "I don't think it's very good," would imply that I value my own judgment over their feelings. Who am I to say? 

    If someone is not a good friend, then they are not likely to ask my opinion.

    Along the same lines, if a friend asks if I like their haircut or if this item of clothing looks good on them, I'm likely to see the friend, not the hair or the clothes. Is it what I would have chosen? Maybe not. But do I care about them, and want to encourage them to feel confident and attractive? Heck, yeah. So there's some balance there. I'll definitely pick fuzz off your shoulder or let you know when you've a 'wardrobe malfunction', to prevent embarrassment or annoyance, but I'm not going to undermine your self-esteem by sharing my judgments.

How do you feel about taking a sick day when you aren't sick? How about falsifying an expense report? If an ATM gave you extra cash, would you report the error? 

    I appreciate the trend toward referring to paid time off as just that, rather than calling it "sick time" and pretending that workers are always actually physically ill when they need a day off. If you're hiring grown-ups, then you should realize there are some things that people must do during a week day: renew a driver's license, meet the appliance repairer, take the pet to the vet, and so on. There are also times when being at work is a terrible idea because one is not in the proper frame of mind to do good work (or refrain from smacking one's coworkers). Why not just allow staff to say, I've earned some time off, and I'm taking a day. 

    Falsifying an expense report is fraud and theft. That's a different story entirely, always wrong. 

    If an ATM gave me extra cash, most of the time I wouldn't notice it anyway. Yep, I'm the kind of person who pokes the buttons, receives the money, and after a very cursory check to see that it's the right amount, stuff it in the wallet and move on. I'm not going to stand in the grocery store waving a packet of bills. So, if it happened, I'd likely not notice—but if I did notice, I'd probably not report it. Are we talking $20, or $2000? And to whom would it be accountable anyway? The bank, the store, the cash network? I should probably care, but practically speaking it's so highly unlikely to happen that one needn't pre-plan it.

If you were hypnotized to make your biggest worry fade away, how would your life change? 

    I'd be fit and lean and way more healthy, if I could be hypnotized into eating right and exercising. If only! 

[from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is by Charles Bukowski, from Women]