learning to let go should be learned before learning to get

1. If you were to finish the phrase "I have been blessed because..," how would it end? 

    "...my family is wonderful, and still close."

 

2. If you were to found a spiritual retreat, where would it be located? 

     in a quiet spot near inland water

 

3. If you were to name a single thing that can destroy a soul, what would it be? 

    venality 

 

4. If you were to identify one aspect of your behavior that masks your insecurities, what would it be? 

    snarky humor 

 

5. If you were to finish the sentence "My destiny has always been..," how would it end? 

    "...to be a lawyer." 

 

6. If you were to choose a time when your imagination was at its best, when would it be? 

    March-April 2017, when I invented an alternate reality that persisted off and on for years 

 

7. If you were to change your life in one way to make it "more Zen," how would you do it? 

    prioritize moving over sitting, water over food, and find a middle way

      

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Ray Bradbury, from Farewell Summer]

History will be kind to me—for I intend to write it

1 Has a chance encounter ever changed the course of your life? What was it? 

    while wandering the administration building on campus during law school, I ran into someone I'd known at the library when I'd been working a temporary job. She asked if I was planning to apply for the job that was open in the department I'd liked the best—technical services—when the manager left. I hadn't known it was open, and said I'd think about it. I applied the next day, got an interview later in the week, and was hired during the interview. I stayed in that role, through its expansion, for the next decade and a half. 

    I don't know if I ever had a chance to thank her for that question, or to let her know that it really did change my life. 

 

2 If a year of your life could be traded for $25,000, how many years would you trade in?  

    a past year, or a generic future year? I would trade 2004, 2007, 2015, and 2022 for a nickel, in a heartbeat.  

 

3 Do you believe that no one is indispensable in the workplace? 

    that is correct. What happens if you get hit by a bus? You get replaced. What happens if you get fired, downsized, move to a new town, win the lottery? You get replaced. It is possible to be valued, but 'indispensable' implies that the [work] world ends when you leave. Unless you're the only employee, that's not gonna happen.

 

4 Do you ever drink iced coffee or tea in the winter? 

    I drink iced tea at least every Saturday morning, throughout the year. And if I'm getting coffee it's going to be a "coffee drink" and thus served cold.

 

5 What smells do you find relaxing? 

    in small quantity, I like lemon, mint, or vanilla. Too much of even a good thing is a bad thing, though—pretty often, my migraine headaches arise from nothing so much as they do from a strong scent.

 

6 Have you toasted marshmallows on an open fire?

    I'm not an "open fire" sort of person, but I do have a couple of marshmallow tidbits:

    • my boss at the educational company made s'mores for a group of us while on a weekend at a cabin ... only he'd never made s'mores before, and was very much A City Kid. He understood them in principle but not in practice. He went outside with the proper ingredients, but came inside with what can only be described as grilled s'mores. As in, he'd assembled them like grilled cheese sandwiches, and then placed them on the grill. The graham crackers had grill marks (delicately turned mid-way so they were "done" on both sides). I laughed through tears at his adorableness, and am doing the same as I write this.

    • my mom is a big marshmallow fan, which is pretty weird because she's not one for sweet things generally. As the youngest child in my family, I enjoyed a "different family" than my siblings had, with a sort of focused attention that was both gratifying and highly annoying at times. One of those gratifying moments came when I walked into our kitchen to see my mom roasting a marshmallow on the (electric) stove. She'd speared it with a regular dinner fork and was gently rotating it above the burner. A quick, slightly guilty glance was followed by a big laugh and the two of us, forks in hand, giggling over our toasted marshmallow treat. That experience was never repeated but remains a funny, happy memory.

 

7 In what general knowledge quiz category is your knowledge generally not that great? 

    history 

 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is Winston S. Churchill]

go then if you must, but remember, no matter how foolish your deeds, those who love you will love you still

1 If you could have avoid living one year from your past, which year would you like to have eliminated?

    2007 or 2015. Each was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year, in its own way. 

 

2 If you could be a member of any club or association in the world, what would it be? 

    I'd planned to answer this in a sarcastic/snarky way, but then I realized: I miss being a member of the American Historical Association. The AHA has a vast membership from various fields, concentrations, and professions. Mostly students and academics, it also appeals to those working in law, politics and government, religion, the rest of social science, and amateurs with deep interest in the world and how it came to be. I was a member during grad school and for a few years after, but fell away from it when things became extra chaotic.

 

3 If you could take away the vocal chords of any person, who would it be? 

    comedienne Kathy Griffin, whose nasal delivery is like nails on the chalkboard of the world. Also, one of my colleagues, RM. They are one of those people who, at the end of the meeting when the presenter offers but does not encourage, "Any questions?" always has a multi-part, deeply hypothetical, pointless question that cannot be answered briefly and invites their follow-up questions no matter how it is answered.

 

4 If you had to be a member of another family you know, which family would you join? 

    families are complicated enough, and the concept of joining another family at this point in my life is a serious deterrent to being involved with anyone.

 

5 If you could discover one medical cure (past or present), which one would you choose? 

     I'd love for there to be a cure for migraines, rather than just a hodge-podge of band-aids for the myriad symptoms, most of which have side effects that are long-term dangerous and making limited difference anyway. 

    In the alternative, I'd like to develop a migraine pain simulator, like the period pain simulation machine, so that people who give the "it's all in your head" response could find out just what it's really like.

 

6 If you could give your parents one gift, what would you give them? 

    one very large gambling win. They are not unrepentant wastrels and only gamble what they can afford to lose, but they've never had the sort of win that would take your breath away. I'd love to see them have that kind of joy.

 

7 If you had to choose the worst work experience you've ever had, what would you pick? 

    it's a tie between cleaning the grease trap in the bakery (which is like cleaning the smelliest sink drain you can imagine, but with your face in the sink the whole time) and even the best day with the law firm.

 

[from If...Questions for the Game of Life; the title quotation is by Sophocles, from Antigone]

who gets up in the gray dawn to call on another man’s wife? It’s a *girl*

Book Review 

 

Rating: * * *

 

Title: The Light that Failed

Author: Rudyard Kipling

 

pub info: originally published 1891; I listened to the audiobook released 2005 by Blackstone Audio Publishing, narrated by a cast; 9 hours

 

Genre: semi-autobiographical novel

 

A brief synopsis: 

Dick Heldar is a war correspondent and artist, well known for the drawings he sends home to London papers from wars in exotic places like Sudan. When he returns to London, he attempts to make a career for himself as a serious artist, and re-encounters his childhood sweetheart, Maisie. Then he learns that a minor problem with his eyes is actually the onset of incurable blindness, the result of a head injury. As his vision fails, the light of everything around him—his life, hopes, and dreams—fades with it. Terrible choices must be made between the love of a woman and the friendship of the men who stood by him at the front.

Analysis and recommendation: from a practical standpoint, this was my first, and probably last, cast-narrated audiobook. The different voices were oddly distracting. When there is just one narrator and I'm not fond of the voice, I can stop for that reason, but with this one I felt like I had to keep going even though there was only one that was very annoying. 

    Dick Heldar is an obtuse, sometimes-unlikable, oblivious narrator. This helps make his progression from start to finish satisfying. I liked the best friend character, Torpenhow, who is the most realistic and admirable of the bunch. The Nilghai (the fat friend, nicknamed after a gigantic antelope) is both irritating and profound, his odd presence absolutely pivotal. Maisie is disagreeable, selfish, and mercenary, my least favorite character by far. 

    Did I like the story? No. Am I glad I read it? Yes. Do I want to read it again? No. Do I want to talk about it at length, with someone else who's read it? For sure. Can I recommend it unreservedly? No. Are there a few people I'd suggest read it? Heck yeah.

 

[the book review format is adapted from here; the title quotation is from The Light that Failed]

home was a curious thing, like happiness. You never knew you had had it until it was gone

Book Review 

 

Rating * * * *

 

Title: The Big Rock Candy Mountain 

 

Author: Wallace Stegner 

 

Published: originally published in 1943; I listened to the audiobook (Blackstone Audio 2009; read by Mark Bramhall; 26 hours)

 

What is the storyline or plot? 

    Bo Mason, his wife, Elsa, and their two boys live a transient life of poverty and despair. Drifing from town to town and from state to state, the violent, ruthless Bo seeks out his fortune--in the hotel business, on new farmland, and, eventually, in illegal rum-running through the treacherous back roads of the American Northwest. Bo chases after the promise of the American dream through Minnesota, the Dakotas, Saskatchewan, Montana, Utah and Nevada, but ultimately there is no escaping the devastating reach of the Depression and his own ruinous fate. 

    In this affecting narrative, a defining masterpiece by the 'dean of Western writers' (The New York Times), Wallace Stegner portrays more than three decades in the life of the Mason family as they struggle to survive during the lean years of the early twentieth century.--from Amazon.com

What type of language does it use—technical, complex, standard, or colloquial? primarily standard, some colloquial

 

Does the level of language make it easy or difficult for the reader to follow? it is an absorbing story that feels like a conversation with someone telling about their own life, rather than a formal or detached presentation

 

Did you like this novel?  I liked it while I listened, and it's stuck with me since.

If you could change something, what would it be?  there are a handful of what appear to me as needlessly violent or disgusting moments. If I were to use the MPAA system, I would rate this R for violence, which is a little ridiculous given the overall ratio of PG-ness to R-ness. To put it another way, those few scenes could have been expressed in different ways.

 

What were your favourite parts?  Elsa's arrival in Dakota; the fair; and Bruce in Utah and Minnesota

 

Did you like the characters?  I unreservedly liked Elsa's uncle Karl. Apart from him, though, each character was more flawed than not, and some lost their trustworthiness or respect along the way. Liking or admiring them is not necessary to appreciation of this book, which is "about" far more than the individual characters.

 

What is your recommendation?  I recommend this book to readers interested in the time period, in rugged individualism, in realism, and in 'the West' as an ideal of possibility.

 

5 adjectives you would use to describe this text: expansive, intriguing, harsh, stirring, merciless

 

 [book review template 5 adapted from here; the title quotation is by Wallace Stegner, from The Big Rock Candy Mountain ]

if one thinks himself made beautiful by gold, he is inferior to gold; and he that is inferior to gold is not lord of it

1 If you could have one thing made out of pure gold, what would you choose? 

    a pair of small hoop earrings

 

2 If you could avoid ever having to see a certain relative again, who would it be? 

    none of my relatives are like that. I know I'm lucky in my family.

 

3 If you had to name the most gentle person you know, who would it be?     

    Fluffy K.

 

4 If you could have one person you have lost touch with call you up tonight and invite you to dinner, who would you want it to be? 

    Andrew

 

5 If you had to eliminate forever one form of weather, what would it be? 

    freezing rain

 

6 If you could make one thing come true for one friend, what would it be, and for whom? 

    health for someone with a serious illness

 

7 If you could go back and express gratitude about one thing in your life, for what would it be, and to whom? 

    my undergrad mentor, for "you write well, but you ramble." It didn't solve everything, but it shook me up and changed my writing.

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Clement of Alexandria, from The Instructor]

Jeff’s got the eggs covered but could you pick up some bacon for us and maybe a box of Twinkies

1 What's the worst thing you've eaten or drunk by mistake thinking it was something else? 

    it was at a church function, which amounted to the unique scent of oyster stew seeping through the vents during the service, folding chairs and tables set up in the church basement, several-too-many parishioners jammed into a space that was far too small, too warm from the long-simmering food, and a passel of kids dodging around all of it. Everything was cooked and donated by members of the congregation, including an amazing array of desserts. Cakes, pies, puddings and cookies, and everything in between. 

    I chose apple cobbler, which was tall and both juicy and crumbly, glistening with browned sugar at the top. There was a bowl of fluffy whipped cream just down the table from me. It was just the sort of thing that my mom would have standing by. (She doesn't love sweets but will always be tempted by some whipped cream on almost any dessert.) I spooned some onto my cobbler and took a big bite...only to discover that it was not whipped cream after all: it was sour cream, served with the stew. I was a little kid, maybe 5 at the most. I was a bit shy, and quite afraid of doing something wrong or stupid. I didn't want to waste the dessert, but I also couldn't force myself to eat it. Naturally, that tension made me burst into tears. My mom caught on quickly and calmed me, before finding another dessert option.

 

2 You find a spider on your wall at home - what do you do? 

    smash it (probably over-hard) with a shoe, or drown it in bug spray, and flush the remains 

 

3 What's the weirdest thing you've ever written an essay on? 

    my sophomore year in college, I took a seminar on the History of Brazil. For those who do not know, the history of Brazil is essentially a history of socioeconomic extremes. There are a few people with way too much money, using it for notorious purposes. The rest of the population is horribly, terrifically poor, not even scraping out a living but living in complete destitution.

    I don't recall the intended purpose of the paper I was supposed to write. All I know is that I'd left it til the very, very last moment, and was typing it mere hours before the 6:00 class started. I was at the dining room table, scrambling desperately to pump out another paper when my mind was blank. I was over-tired and frantic—and so I just started to write. Not writing History, but a sort of stream of consciousness rant about poverty and entitlement, about desperation and privilege, and memorably, about Twinkies and Ramen noodles, and how financially blessed college students believe they're broke but in fact are stupid, wasteful and ungrateful.

    My professor was funny, kind, and very good at his job. He'd known and dealt with kids like me a thousand times before. I'd redeemed myself in class, though, always having read and understood the assignments, participating in discussion, and doing well on tests. He gave me the benefit of the doubt, in general, and regarding the paper most of all. It was one weird dammed essay.

4 When you bump into a stranger, what's your first reaction? 

    "oop", which is the local version of "ope." I also tend to back up and get out of the way rather than waiting for the other person to do so.

 

5 If a stray dog followed you home, would you take it in? 

    no, but I know someone who would, so I'd call them. I wouldn't know the first thing to do to actually care for a dog. 

    When we first moved into our rented house on the Flat, we discovered a no-collar dog seemingly waiting for us to get home. H let it into the garage (it was dangerously cold out) and we called the landlord to see if they knew what was what. It turns out that the previous owner of the house had moved out maybe 6 months before, and their dog had returned periodically since then. They gave us the owner's phone number. We kept it stuck to the fridge and used it a few times.

 

6 Do you have an archnemesis? Who is it? 

    I do. 

    They know who they are.

 

7 When was the last time you smiled at a stranger?

    I've been trekking to a friend's country home to water plants, etc., the last few weekends. I'm in the habit of stopping at the locally-owned grocery store on the way home. This week, I was able to pick up several items that I needed (and at a bargain price by comparison to my usual store). The store is so small and devoted to customer service, they offer to carry out your groceries. I took them up on it, because I'd bought some heavy things. I smiled at the person who carried out for me, and then snickered when we both followed our smile by looking at the sky, as if to say, "This weather...!"

 

8 If you could instantly be a master of a martial art, which one would you choose? 

    Krav Maga. I find the whole idea intriguing, and it looks incredibly cool—and like a terrific workout. Plus, kicking someone in the face seems like a dream come true.

 

9 Which one of your friends do you wish had a mute button? 

    what, I'm supposed to share their name? What if they read the blog??

    I do know a person who is often oblivious to others' reactions to their conversation. In my head, I repeat, "enough's enough...," usually several times during most talks we have. 

    You wouldn't know it from the blog—which is, after all, my platform to say what I will, and however much I choose—but I strongly appreciate straight and to the point people and conversations. 

 

10 What's the most amazing shot you've seen taken by a camera drone? 

    fog in a river valley, of which this is an example but not the actual video 

 

 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Jenn Cooksey, from Shark Bait]

I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely

    I am fascinated by the sorts of quizzes designed to help a person know more about who they really are. A new one I've tried is the High5 Test, a fairly long (15-20 minutes) sort of career type indicator. According to the website, "HIGH5 is a strengths test for individuals, teams and organizations to unlock their full potential by identifying and maximizing what motivates and energizes them".     

    Note: even the "free" platform requires an email login and will produce daily messages, though a standard Unsubscribe works fast and seems to stick.

    The stuff with which I particularly agree is in italics, and most highly apt are in red bold. 

---

My top 5 strengths, with the first being the highest, are as follows:

    1. Brainstormer: Brainstormers get excited when asked to come up with ideas where the sky’s the limit. They enjoy connecting the seemingly unconnectable, and quickly get bored by closed-minded people and standard practices.
    2 Philomath: Philomaths love learning. They explore many interests, follow new paths and acquire as much knowledge as possible. They don’t enjoy the company of so-called 'know-it-alls’, people with little curiosity and no desire to explore new ideas.

    3 Thinker: Thinkers enjoy mental activity, intellectual discussions and time alone in reflection. They find it difficult to work in teams that tend to act before thinking.

    4 Strategist: Strategists look at the big picture, which enables them to easily find the best way out of the clutter. Because connecting the dots comes naturally to them, they may get impatient with people who make slower decisions.

    5 Problem Solver: Problem Solvers love uncovering flaws, diagnosing problems and coming up with solutions. It is difficult for them to simply sweep unresolved issues under the rug and keep going as if everything is fine.

    These fall into 'Strength Families'. My top four strengths are all in the Thinking (blue) family, and the fifth is a Doing (red) trait. There are also Feeling (yellow) and Motivating (green) families, into which none of my top-five strengths falls. This is my approximated ratio of the families.

    I think it's funny how some people criticize me for over-valuing feelings. Guess that's not quite the thing, hmm?

---

    This is a good one, mostly accurate and satisfying besides. It is pretty long (120 questions) and I could feel myself getting tired of it about 2/3 through, and noticed a vague wish for increments rather than a completely free-flowing scale. That probably reflects my inner Problem Solver, eh?

 

[the title quotation is by Susan Cain, from Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and reads more fully as below]

I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.

an attorney must be prepared to be demanding, outrageous, irreverent, blasphemous, a rogue, a renegade, and a hated, isolated, and lonely person

What do you do for a living?

    I have been, for the last year, working as a Document Review Attorney.

What does that mean?

    According to an article on Zippia, "If you choose to work in this field, you'll find yourself examining documents and records for cases with a high volume of papers from discovery. You'll need to ensure that all pertinent information that needs to be processed for use in court is highlighted. You'll also need to be fast yet efficient and accurate since an incorrectly marked document could jeopardize a legal case. 

    Law firms generally hire document review attorneys on a contract basis. Some projects could last only weeks, while others could last an entire year. Therefore, this type of work offers great flexibility for both new and experienced attorneys to practice law while earning some extra income. To work in this field, you will need a Juris Doctor (J.D.) degree and License to practice law. Experience with document review workflows and proficiency with eDiscovery software is also helpful."

 

What makes someone a good Document Review Attorney?

    According to an article on LHH, key attributes of a successful candidate are:

1. An eye for detail as he or she will scan hundreds upon hundreds of documents and must be able to discern which documents are pertinent.
2. EDRM (Electronic Discovery Reference Model) skills, which refers to the various stages of the eDiscovery process.
3. Strong computer skills, specifically in document review software, are necessary.
4. Great communication skills.
5. Project management skills to stay organized and move from task to task as asked.
6. The ability to work efficiently to maximize time.
7. A positive attitude towards a task that’s time-consuming and sometimes tedious.

What exactly are you doing, on the average day?

    According to an article on Indeed,

    "Document reviewers might investigate emails, text messages, contracts and spreadsheets. These professionals often track their findings by highlighting important information, placing tabs in sections, writing summaries and developing spreadsheets or charts. Reviewers typically prioritize the following factors:

• Responsiveness: The document meets production demands.
• Privilege: The document is available as evidence outside of an attorney-client relationship.
• Relevance: The document presents valuable information about a case.
• Confidentiality: The document doesn't contain information that compromises a client's privacy or business."

Do you like it?

    Sure. It's flexible (work any hours within the "review window" as long as the key hours [usually 10AM-2PM] are covered), casual (jammies, workout gear, and blankets as needed), and not difficult.

Have you hit the ceiling, or is there room for growth?

    There are some opportunities available, for sure. One is Quality Assurance, which is what I was hired to do on my current project. After the initial review is done, documents are sorted for potential errors. QA goes through those subsequent sort results, to verify the initial review. 

    One can also be hired directly by the agency, to work on various projects. That is generally a full-time gig. After some time, one may be promoted to assistant Project Manager, and then Project Manager. I don't have much interest in direct hire, because it seems to be trading a little more money for a lot more work. This assessment is subject to change, of course.

 

What's the best part of the actual job?

    I like feeling confident and expert, doing something well, and knowing that my work is 100% worthy of the money I'm earning.

 

What's the worst part of the actual job?

    Review protocols vary from project to project, and the differences can be confusing. Consider an email thread with various attachments coming from different people. Some jobs direct that we review each document "on its face," with no reference to the others. Other jobs require the opposite, that each email thread and its attachments be considered a "family," and the documents' relevance and privilege be considered in relation to the other family members. It can be really hard to flip back and forth between these styles of assessment, and it can also be hard to follow the rules when they don't seem to make sense to the situation. (Like calling a restaurant menu—been attached to an otherwise relevant email thread so the participants can order lunch for a meeting—"responsive" when it's clearly not.) 

additional questions? Leave a comment and I'll try to answer.

 

[the title quotation is by Clarence Darrow]

I like a lot of semen - always have

I've been away. Emotionally, spiritually, practically--away. Kind of starting to get back to where I want to be. 

Have a new gig. Actually, numerous new gigs. I'm working as a contract attorney, getting hired on document review projects as they become available. It is not the most steady work, and can be desperately boring at times, but mostly is interesting and reasonably well paid. Its sporadic nature has resulted in some odd schedules and lots of missed opportunities to see other people, though, which is a big trade-off. Work to live, not live for work.

Haven't been watching movies lately. Just got out of the spirit and the habit, in favor of reading a lot over the last few months. It feels good to read, yet at times it lets me be inside my own head too much. Movies can be less long-term immersive. Watched a couple yesterday and am planning to go back and review some others that I'd seen a while ago.

Thanks to anyone who's checked in. Thanks for your patience.

 

It's Complicated (2009) - "When brought together at a family event, two exes find themselves oddly attracted to each other after ten years of divorce. Although the couple think that this affair will stay in a different state, it brings itself back to their own city and disrupts their personal lives. While the couple still maintain other romances, they cannot help but to continue with their affair."
source: streamed
I watched it because: my companion had seen it before and recommended it
IMDB: 6.5/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 59% Audience: 60%
my IMDB: 7/10

notable quote: "'Why do you need to label everything?'

    'Because that's what this is!'"

MPAA rating: R

directed by: Nancy Meyers

my notes: undeniably well-acted, with a good script and all that jazz - I wanted to like this movie, but.... it's complicated, right? This movie hits ALL kinds of feelings about man/woman relationships, emotions (and lack of), unintentional hurt, miscommunication, and sex. That's a lot for a 2 hour comedy! Meryl Streep's Jane is a wistful, reasonably successful, genuinely appealing woman. Her ex-husband Jake, played uncannily well by Alec Baldwin, is a shallow-thinking, hedonistic, yet lovely man whose affections are, let's say, inconstant. Steve Martin's Adam, a rival for Jane's interest, is sweet and low-key, and Jake's current wife is portrayed as a bitchy strident stereotype by the striking (why is that rarely a wholehearted compliment?) Lake Bell. 

    I found it personally disconcerting, though completely engaging. It gave me a lot to think about (probably more than was intended or "normal" for this type of film). And it made me want a chocolate croissant.

overall: recommended

[the title quotation is from It's Complicated]

your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in

126: Where do you spend most of your time while you’re awake? at ze condo.  I work from home, and am not a people person.

127: Have the stars ever meant anything to you? I used to like to lie awake looking up at them when I was little and would sleep outside during the summer. 

I also had a phone call once where the other person and I were looking up at the same stars. That was a nice connection.

128: What could society do without? strip malls, protein shakes, and reality shows that are anything but

129: What have you lost interest in recently? fighting

130: What have you gained interest in recently? my checking account

131: How do you deal with isolation and loneliness? talk to someone, write a card or letter, or journal

132: Do you think it is possible for a human being to forever be alone? yes… SQUIRREL!

133: In what way are you your own worst enemy? I push buttons, have a difficult time waiting, and I sometimes spend money foolishly

134: Describe the last dream you had? no lucid dreams lately, which is strange for me. Bits and pieces about my erstwhile furry lodger, getting more piercings, and a man in my life. Nothing useful or entertaining.

135: Are you easily influenced by people around you? ayep. Not to the point where I’d call myself an ‘empath,’ but I am…suggestible.

136: Do you influence people around you? apparently so

137: Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? Did you mean it? the last time I said it aloud was in a voicemail message, and of course I meant it. I’m too old for pretending I love when I don’t, or for pretending I don’t when I do.

138: Is it possible to always be genuine and kind? When do you have to be mean to other people? When do you have to fake? Hell no—that is facile and delusional. (a) the opposite of genuine & kind is not “mean” or “fake.” (b) genuine and kind is maybe a goal more than a reality. (c) consider a person who treats poorly someone who cannot defend himself. Is it “mean” to defend the defenseless there? (d) consider the well-meaning but nosy-as-fuck coworker who cannot stop pestering you for personal information, such as your new address or who your friend is when they see you out to dinner. Is it “‘fake” to gently deflect their questions and intrusions?

139: When was the last time you were honest with someone? just now, maybe 30 minutes ago when I said that I was tired

140: Think of a memory that can always make you laugh or smile. Describe it. lying out in the sun when I was a teenager, trying to transform myself into a tan and gorgeous goddess. I would slather with baby oil or whatever was the thing at the time, and settle in on my blanket in the back yard, A couple hours later I would wake up, groggy and hot as heck, with the blanket on top of me and my cat tucked into the curve of my belly. Not one bit more tan and certainly no goddess, but schnuzzling with beloved kitty during an impromptu nap. Priceless—and funny.

141: How can you focus on the things that really matter in your life? good fucking question

144: What has been the most defining moment(s) in your life? going to college. Passing the bar exam and being licensed to practice. Leaving my marriage. Chris’ death. Buying my current home.

145: What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? I sometimes fail to understand or acknowledge my importance, and the gifts that I am given

146: What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don’t? [some] tech talk

147: What is something that you can teach to others? I am a lousy teacher. It makes me uncomfortable to be on that end of learning.

148: Do you think you are heading down the right path? I wish I knew—though that would kind of kill the buzz, wouldn’t it? It’s supposed to be an adventure.

149: Is there anyone depending on you? Do they think you are dependable? Do you think you are dependable?plenty of people depend on me, for various things, in various ways. My parents and my brother. My friends. My closest and dearest one, who is also sometimes the furthest and almost troubling. They rely on me being attentive, helpful, funny, smart, and observant. And probably a bunch of things that I don’t even realize. If I weren’t dependable, I probably would not have the friends and loved ones that I do have.

150: Are you depending on anyone? Do you appreciate them? Do they know you appreciate them? yes, everything in the previous answer works in the reverse. Absolutely, I appreciate them. Do they know? I think so. I hope so. 

    I try to say the words.

355: Have you developed any obsessions over the year? Are any of these unhealthy? Are you trying to get rid of them? nah, I think I’ve released some of that shit this year. Sometimes the easiest way is by being easy about things. Trying to exert control over the uncontrollable is a futile effort. Just go with it. 

 

[from here; the title quotation is by .38 Special, from "Hold on Loosely"]

I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me

Go ahead: guess which one is the lie!

1. There are almost no photographs of me in my twenties. I've been on the hunt for something from that era - wanting to share with someone who I met later than that - and am coming up dry. This has taught me a few things. First, that there are very few people who have photographed me, ever. It's usually blown off with "you were the one with the camera in our faces all the time." Well, yeah, maybe so. But did that render me invisible to you? Second, selfies changed photography forever.
2. Three days. That's the longest that I've gone (at least during the COVID-19 stay-at-home mandate) without speaking to another living soul.
3. Seven pounds gained, three lost again. Pants still getting smaller, though. Like, too small.
4. I have never driven my own moving truck. Someone else has always done that for me.
5. Just today I threw out plane ticket stubs and souvenir maps from trips that I took when I was married.
6. Everything about canals (at least the ocean kind) fascinates me.
7. I am more afraid of being the person who does nothing than who does the wrong thing.
8. Two members of my family have the same names as (legit) movie stars.
9. Rent on my last apartment in the Flat was more than my house payment is now.
10. I own nine vases - after giving away thirteen others.
11. Three friends have made (casual) offers to buy my house.

[the title quotation is by S.E. Hinton, from The Outsiders]

bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible

from "Questions to get to know someone"

28. What's your favorite genre of book or movie?

    it ought to be apparent by now that I have a hard time with commitment, at least in terms of questions like these. I love intense psychological thrillers, and mindless martial arts flicks. Sometimes I gravitate toward schmaltzy romantic comedies, and other times very quirky indie films. Korean war dramas - in Korean, with subtitles - are a fave, as are sports movies (especially baseball and golf). Lately I have watched a lot of gangster and action films.

    My reading taste is easier to track, probably? Poetry (more modern than not, but still some of the older stuff). Fiction (more from the small publisher/unconventional type than bestsellers). Some genre stuff - mystery, fantasy, romance, a tiny bit of science fiction. I shy away from epics and historical fiction, but can be hand-sold on pretty much anything by someone I trust.

29. What's the farthest you've ever been from home?

Los Angeles, California

30. What TV or YouTube channel doesn't exist but really should?

feh

31. Where is the most interesting place you've been?

there is a store called The Commercial in the next state over. I am enraptured by it, and have gone there repeatedly. They sell artsy stuff, ceramics and wood and fabric arts. I dunno what-all. Every time I head that way, I go with the intention of buying something extraordinary. Of treating myself to a work of art that I will actually use. There is a "line" of mugs, vases, teapots, etc., right inside the door, for instance. I would love to have one of those mugs. But each time I go and actually pick one up, and see the price...my Midwestern common sense smacks me on the head and says "you have enough fucking mugs; save this $38 for something you need!" and I put it back down. It has turned into an exercise in longing. Someday, I will buy something from there....

32. What fad or trend do you hope comes back?

under the current circumstances, touching another person is a big deal. Sharing affection physically is vulnerable and expressive. I think it would be kind of nice if things like hugs and holding hands and kissing became really meaningful again, rather than something that we take for granted.

33. What city would you most like to live in?

there is no particular spot in mind, but I have come to like the idea of having somewhere to go when it gets really cold and gross up here. Not any of the typical spots, for personal reasons that have less to do with where they are as with what they connote.

34. When was the last time you climbed a tree just for fun?

I would have been really little - and the tree very short

35. What do you consider to be your best find?

a material object? My wrestling shoes. I literally searched for them for years. They are the most comfortable shoes that I own, and though I rarely wear them, they hold a very special place in my heart.

36. What is special about the place you grew up?

it has a big river and a couple of decent-sized lakes (and some smaller bodies of water as well). There are numerous public parks - which I have come to realize is not the case in most small cities. There are hills all along one side, and they are remarkably picturesque throughout the year. The architecture is a mix of old and striking (much featuring locally-designed stained glass) and new (including the headquarters of an almost-Fortune 500 company that trades publicly). There are 3 institutions of higher learning, and a museum featuring works by Cézanne, Turner, Gaugin, Monet, and Van Gogh. 

37. What age do you wish you could permanently be?

I have no desire for immortality, or to stagnate at one age while everyone I know moves on. The passage of time, in itself, is valuable experience.

38. What's worth spending more on, to get the best?

salad dressing, pens, shoes, bacon, and hotel rooms

39. What are you most likely to be famous for?

I will not ever be famous, in all likelihood, and I am all right with that

40. What fictional place would you like to go?

The Waystone Inn

41. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been to?

as much as I felt at home in Miami, and as much as I enjoyed my time in Bethesda - Santa Fe was deeply relaxing. I would go back to New Mexico in a heartbeat.

42. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?

This is hard for me to answer. I am learning all the time, forming and changing opinions, revising and reconciling what I had thought or believed before with what I have discovered since. Almost nothing is set in stone.

43. What is the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen?

the way that airport arrivals used to be. Seeing someone waiting for a plane to come in, standing, watching eagerly, making eye contact, the rush, the hug.... I have been moved to tears by (others') airport reunions.

44. What's the most interesting piece of art you've seen?

an installation called The Dangerous Logic of Wooing by Ernesto Neto that I saw at the Hirschorn Museum (a branch of the Smithsonian) in Washington, D.C. There are a couple of pictures of it in this post from my trip.

45. What's something you like to do the old-fashioned way?

I very rarely use my mixer when cooking or baking. Unless I am making a huge batch of cookies - or boiled frosting - a spoon will do.

46. Would you rather go hang gliding or whitewater rafting?

ugh. I suppose it would be whitewater by default, 'cause there ain't no way I would hang glide.

47. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished?

someone I care about very much. For all the grumbling, he adapts to change and 'reinvents' with remarkable aplomb. I admire him a great deal. 

48. How do you relax after a hard day of work?

read, exercise, write, talk on the phone or text, cook, watch movies

49. What popular TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

"refuse" is a strong word. No one can watch everything, so the fact that someone has not seen something may not have any nefarious meaning. It might just not appeal. 

50 What job do you think you'd be really good at?

deep, specific research, of the sort that I did as a graduate assistant in History or Law

51. What pets did you have when you were growing up?

we had: one small brown dog of inexplicable parentage when I was very little; one perpetually pissed off, highly fertile cat of questionable morals; some borderline suicidal little fish named after the minor characters from Julius Caesar, and two kittens who rode home with my brother on his motorcycle (buttoned into his jean jacket) from the farm where their mother had been killed. We fed them with a dropper bottle until they were big enough for kitten food. The little boy was hit by a car later that summer (on my birthday of all things). That girl was my dearest friend until she died when I was 20.

52. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

my summer home

53. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

trust

[excerpted from here; the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from Julius Caesar]

you could hear someone singing in a high sweet voice. You could smell bread baking, too, and you knew it was real bread that would soon be covered with real butter. Everything was there and it was working

This is part 2 of "200 (Not Boring) Questions To Ask To Get To Know Someone Better." (And the progression of my one surviving tomato plant...for the time being. The other one drowned in an inch of water - the traitorous bastard!)

51. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
• during high school and college I had a couple of customer service jobs, which really did not suit my inherent personality. However, the one that I liked the least was one of my graduate assistantships. My contract was split among four (?) professors, so there was little opportunity to get much detailed work done, much less to develop a relationship with any of them. The point of being a G.A. is to make a lasting connection while providing a truly useful service--neither of which I could do, in that situation.
52. What originally got you interested in your current field of work?
• "interested" is a strong word. I was pulled into this field by my 2-bosses ago manager. She had essentially eavesdropped my resume from the desk of the HR head, and set out to scavenge me. Although on paper it is a 'better' position, it suits me far less, is nowhere near as interesting, and is probably making me physically sick. The one thing it has going for it is that it is less ethically questionable--which is saying a LOT.

53. Have you ever had a side hustle or considered having one?
• during my last year of undergrad, I was taking more than a full load of classes and working three jobs. Does that count?
54. What’s your favorite part of the workday?
• the END.
55. What’s the best career decision you’ve ever made?
• that depends on the definition of 'best'. Most lucrative? Most surprising? Happiest? Most comfortable? 
I have not had all that many jobs. Looking at it purely in terms of the places: the store, the first school, the restaurant, the business, the second school, the third school, the library, and the current one. There were a couple of true side gigs in there, cash jobs or whatever, that have never made their way onto my resume. 
Most lucrative? Library. Most surprising? Current. Happiest? Business. Most comfortable? Library.
56. What’s the worst career decision you’ve ever made?
• Current. I would not go back in time to trade it, not even for all the gold in Fort Knox or the best job in the world, though. 
57. Do you consider yourself good at networking?
• this question made me snort aloud. There is a certain segment of the population that would say, "Heck yeah, you're good at it!" And then the other 70% would say I am useless - complete shit.
58. What career advice would you give to your younger self?
• a. If you're getting graduate degrees - get the right ones, i.e. those in the jobs you actually want to do.
b. Always ask for 20% more than you think the job is worth. 
c. Bring your own pen.

59. Do you believe in having a "five-year plan"?
• quite the opposite, my motto - if I have one - would be closer to "don't get attached to the plan"
60. How do you separate your work life from your home life?
• I try, as much as possible, to loathe my job. That's doing the trick for the time being. 
No, really--I am such an over-thinker that there will always be an inevitable leaking of one to the other. Being salaried probably made it the most "fair," because then I worked until the job was done and any extracurricular thinking was paid time anyway. That is not going to happen in the current gig, which is absolutely fine with me. They can have my time, but not my soul.
61. When will you know you've "made it"?
• I am not on an improvement plan, with a map and destinations in mind. I have not even mapped out the retirement situation yet, because it is so fucked up anyway (both financially and emotionally). I am much more a "wing it" than "worry about whether I've made it" person.
62. Are you looking forward to retiring, or do you plan to work as long as possible?
• if I could retire today, I would - and be glad of it. I have no great love for working, as such. There are plenty of ways to keep busy besides punching a clock.
63. Have you ever had "imposter syndrome"?
• nah
64. What do you think about workaholics?
• some of my favorite people are workaholics, though the one that I am thinking of disguises himself very effectively. as a lazy, silly, scatterbrained fuck-up. In reality he is one of the hardest and most perpetual workers I have ever known.
65. What qualities do you look for in a boss?
• my ideal boss is a combination of two early ones - the First School and the Business. Flexible, intuitive, trusting, trustworthy, personable, ethical, fun, capable of doing the job themselves (i.e. a Leader, not just a Boss), demanding but fair. 
66. Do you have a professional mentor? If not, do you want one?
• I have different ones for different purposes, and nothing formal
67. Do you have a work best friend?
• yes.

68. Are you into after-work happy hours?
• not as such. Back in the good old days when these things were possible, I adored our pre-game tradition.
69. How do you motivate yourself in your career?
• money. I like to eat, hence the job. I own a house, therefore I work. 
Someday I would prefer to get past that, to be motivated by something internal again.
70. What's the best career advice you've ever heard?
• last day of 9th grade, one of my teachers wrote in my yearbook: "Remember History." I never had the chance to ask how exactly he meant that - the class that he taught? the subject in general? the topic? or the idea? - but it stuck with me. It eventually turned into a college major, and then a decade's worth  of very intensive study. Since then, it has broadened into a more general philosophy for life. Enter the George Santayana quote from The Life of Reason: The Phases of Human Progress: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Remember history. Learn from it. 
71. What's the worst career advice you've ever received?
• ironically, someone once told me that I should go on to get a graduate degree in History, and for some dumbass reason I believed them and decided it was a great plan
72. When you started your current job, what most surprised you?
• how much goddamned MATH there was. I told them that I cannot do math, and apparently they thought I was kidding. Was not kidding.
73. How do you pick yourself back up after making a mistake at work?
• depends on the mistake. Some of them roll off; everybody has a bonehead move now and then, right? Some of them leave a mark, and some of the marks are permanent.
74. How do you deal with work stress?
• not very well, lately. I am sore, tired, anxious, quick to take offense, worried, extra prone to headaches, not sleeping well.... Short term, I need some time away, a back rub, and some help with a couple of projects. Long term, I need a different job. Period. 
75. What energizes you about your career?
• theoretically, I am energized when I am doing good work (quality) that has good results (positivity), and being paid fairly for my time - and am left alone to get the job done with a minimum of intrusions
76. What's one work-related thing you want to accomplish in the next year?
• find. a. new. job.
77. Who has had the biggest impact on your career choice?
• I read that question and laughed out loud. Most of the important people in my life have had little to do with my career trajectory. This is probably due as much to my seemingly random approach to job-searching (see "wing it," above) as to my stubborn unwillingness to ask for or accept help. 
78. What does your family think of your career?
• again, laughing. I have been a licensed attorney for 21 years, and working in estate planning and settlement for a little more than three - but no one in my family (or elsewhere) has felt compelled to name me as a fiduciary in their estate plan. I would not welcome the role, so it does not make me sad in the least. But I do find it funny, and indicative of my family's inability to see me as ... who and what I am, in this sense.
79. What's the best thing you've learned in your current position?
• the best thing I learned in this position has zero to do with the job

80. If you could do it all over again, would you pursue the same career? Why or why not?
• yes, because working for this company changed my life in ways that I would not trade for anything
81. How much time do you spend with your family?
• I have not spent more than 10 minutes with any family member in the last three months. I see my parents usually once a week for a few moments at a time. My brother has been by the house (to take care of outside projects for me) a couple of times.
82. Who do you most like spending time with and why?
• in my family? They each have their moments.
83. Were you close with your family growing up?
• yes
84. How do you define your family now?
• I try not to spend much time 'defining' anymore. It is one of those old habits that seems to be more trouble than help.
85. What traits are most important to you in your family members?
• My mom is a really good problem solver. She would have made a great project manager. She is a phenomenal cook, though she does not like to do it as much as she did when we were all living at home. 
• My dad can fix pretty much anything, and he is also really good at showing and explaining how someone else can work through fixing things, too. He can be startlingly intuitive, so secrets have a vexing way of burbling to the surface in conversation with him. 
• My brother, the man of few words, has become a uniquely good friend. We have a specific sort of relationship, where we do only a few specific things, but we have also made room for a close, dear bond. Our text messages are a thing of beauty.
86. Who are you the closest to and why?
• is this the same as #82? Well, to broaden it - outside my family, there is a very small group of people with whom I share much of anything. A couple of elementary school friends. Two from high school. A few from college. Some from the library. And probably mostly, one from the current place. For many reasons, and for no good reason at all.
87. Do you want a family of your own?
• I already have one. (How insulting is this question?!)
88. What’s your favorite family tradition?
• at the moment, I am still thinking about those text messages with my brother, and in particular the ones on our birthdays. Classic.
89. If you could change your relationship with a family member, would you? If so, with whom?
• there are family members with whom a relationship ought to be different, yes
90. What was it like growing up as the youngest/oldest/only child?
• an unanswerable question. How would I know anything different? Birth order is all over the relationship that we all have with each other, and I do not think I would change that.
91. Does your family take vacations together?
• God no
92. What’s your favorite family memory?
• one favorite family memory? This is totally ridiculous: not too long before my wedding, I went out to my parents' house, along with one of my dear friends at the time. He happened to be one of the people who was going to sing in the wedding. No clue why we were out there, and I think it was the only time he was there. My mom was there, but Dad was away. The three of us were talking and telling stories, and got kind of silly. It devolved quickly and before long we were laughing so hard we could barely speak. Then the phone rang (my parents' landline). There must have been some reason to think it was important, or she would not have bothered, but my mom picked up the phone to answer. However, before she could do so, she realized she was still laughing too hard - so she handed the phone to me. I managed to maintain long enough to say Hello, and to listen politely for the first moment or two, but then I lost it again. I distinctly recall that it was a male salesman from Sears, cold-calling to sell something. I also remember that I could not stop laughing long enough to respond to him, and it was excruciatingly awkward and hilarious. My friend caught on, though, and pulled the phone out of my hand. He affected a higher voice and blurted, "We're not interested" before hanging up on the poor guy. That sent us all into another bout of hysterics. I do not think that I have ever laughed that hard in my life. It was glorious.
93. What TV family most reminds you of your own?
• no family like my family

94. Do you ever wish you were raised differently?
• sure, is that not the same for everyone? I had no curfew and relatively few rules, but I also had to go without some things that I believed to be absolute necessities. And suffered through the indignity of hand-me-down everything!
95. What’s the best piece of advice a family member has given you?
• my maternal grandmother died when I was in high school. She had 6 kids and each of them had at least 3 children of their own, so the family was huge and our gatherings were chaotic. There was not much time for a heart-to-heart with grandma. 
After she died, I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. Among the choices was college, which had not been done by my family before. It was, however, all that I truly wanted to do. I felt very conflicted about going for it; I was afraid of it financially, socially, and practically. Would I even be part of my family anymore, if I did something so selfish and strange? 
The night before the final deadline for...something, I do not recall exactly what, but some "do it or give up" moment, I had a dream. Among other things, my grandma and I had a (brief) conversation, during which she told me to go for it. Much of the detail is lost, but I know that she said, "Listen to your heart." Totally not a Grandma thing to say, but, you get what you get, right? And so I did, and thus began my adventures in postsecondary education.
96. Do you wish you had more siblings? If so, why?
• nah, what I have is quite enough
97. Did you ever hide anything from or lie to your parents?
• yup
98. If you had a family business, what would it be?
• funky little alt-Christmas trees
99. Do you and your family have any nicknames for each other?
• not so much now that we are old. My brother still calls my mom something that the rest of us do not. I think that is the only one?
100. What's your favorite way to spend time with your family?
• eating warm bread with butter, and watching old movies or playing board games

[from here; the title quotation is by Ray Bradbury, from Dandelion Wine]