half of life is fucking up, the other half is dealing with it

1. How do you express apologies in your relationships? 

    I apologize, out loud or in writing. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make a person weak—it means they're courageous and honest. It also doesn't need to be complicated.

2. What does being loved feel like to you? 

    Some things are indescribable, and this question is a little bit strange. It's essentially the same as asking someone what it feels like to be human. Uhm, yes? Blue? 47? Quack? 

 

3. Is it possible to love someone forever? 

    yes 

4. What words do you most associate with love?  

        hope

         confusion 

          loss

    Try me again in 6 months or a year, and this may have changed. 

         

5. How do you balance personal space with intimacy? 

     it's not a question of balance, exactly. Each person in the world, much less in a relationship, likely needs or wants a slightly different ratio of those two states of being. The very definition of intimacy is personal. I can feel close to, intimate with, someone without needing to be in the same room or house or state as they are. For that matter, I've also felt quite distant from someone despite sharing a couch, or even a bed.

    I've lived by myself for a long time. Sharing physical space would be a big change. I do welcome the opportunity to become close with someone, though.  

    (This article gives a more structured analysis of this issue.) 

6. How do you overcome trust issues in a relationship? 

    good question. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to share.  

7. At what age do people typically start to understand love? 

    older than I am now, apparently 

 

[from here; the title quotation is from Henry Rollins]

everybody wants to be somebody fancy. Even if they're shy

1 When's the last time you had to give a speech? How did it go? 

    early in my last tour of duty at the financial company, I was part of a 3-person team giving presentations aimed at encouraging staff to take advantage of the 401(k). My co-presenters were the head of my department—also an attorney, and one of the most frighteningly extroverted and pointy females I've ever even seen—and the head of Human Resources. That person was approaching retirement, as motherly as can be, and skillfully hiding her sharp observational skills behind an air of mellow distraction. Needless to say, we made a peculiar group. They shared the first half of the program and I handled the last part. 

    It was nerve-racking, sleep-depriving, boring, time-consuming, annoying ... and it was a lesson in anxiety. Those restless nights of diffuse worry taught me that pre-panic is pointless. Though many of the presentations had awkward moments or did not go particularly well, a couple of them were flawless, well-received, and had the desired effect—and those good results did not correlate with the degree of stress I'd placed on them beforehand. Since going through that experience, I've been less prone to sleepless nights, preoccupied by imagining the worst. Even though I disliked the experience, and still don't think of speeches as a good thing, I'm less anxious now than I was before going through that. It was worth it.

     

2 What annoys you most about women? 

    when she, individually, is annoying. I'm NOT a fan or proponent or blind acceptor of gender stereotypes. 

 

3 What's the best thing you ever built or created? 

    this blog 

 

4 If you could wave a magic wand and stop any one thing, what would you stop? 

    Canadian (and all other) wildfires. As I write this, my view of the hills near my house is obscured by a layer of yellow-gray haze. It makes me angry and afraid, to imagine what it's like anywhere more near than I am to the actual fires. 

 

5 If you were offered free cosmetic surgery by the best plastic surgeons in the world, would you take it? 

    in a heartbeat 

 

6 When are you shy? 

    unaccompanied, in a social situation involving people I've never interacted with before 

 

7 When did you get your first traffic ticket? Share the details. 

    I've never, just two verbal warnings (one in high school, one during college) and one written warning (a decade ago). I'm not over-confident but also not timid, I know my limitations and work within them. 

 

[from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is by Donald Miller, from Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality]

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself

1 Do you believe love takes work? 

    of course, it does. 

    I love a friend, who lives in another time zone, works an Important Job, and has an especially complicated life that does not allow frequent interactions. That means making extra allowances for the differences and being extra grateful for the times together. 

    I love my family, which requires me to be available at different times of day than I might prefer, and to be ready to resolve almost innumerable tech issues, or to compare notes and debate plans.

    I love my job, even though it makes me get up early and prioritize it and sometimes work longer hours (even weekends). 

    Love—of people, things, ideas, whatever—isn't easy, but it's always worth it. 

 

2 Share a favorite memory of your current/most recent partner.

    when we were past the first-blush phase and our interactions had grown in real affection but maybe dimmed in excitement, he ramped it back up by striding up to my big wall of windows (at work, the financial place), and then continuing on his way. It wasn't dramatic or noticeable for anyone else, and most people would probably think nothing of it. However, to me it was as momentous as if he'd held up a big sign, sharing the feelings in his heart. 

   

3 What quality of your most recent partner are/were you most attracted to? 

    curiosity, about countless topics and things and scenarios. He was creative and interested and willing to ask questions. 

 

4 Would you rather stay in or go out for a date? 

    I love to stay in, and choose it ahead of almost anything else. However, dates require some extra effort. If a couple can stay in and enjoy something more than the average day, then it's a date. If they do the same ol' stuff as ever, though, then it's not a date. Does this answer the question?  

 

5 Are there any habits you have that are negative for a romantic relationship? 

     I do. 

 

6 Do you feel able to respect a partner's opinion when it's different from yours? 

    that depends whether they are wrong or not. 

    To answer seriously: I can usually respect the partner, if not the opinion. This requires that the expression of the opinion be respectful, too—when it is discourse and not a tennis match using a flaming ball. 

7 Were you nervous during your most recent "first kiss"? 

     very nervous, though I need not have been concerned

 

[taken from here and adapted; the title quotation is by Charlotte Brontë, from Jane Eyre]

we have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down

1. If you could teach someone you know one life lesson, who would it be, and what would they learn? 

     I am not in a position to teach anyone anything, much less "life lessons". I'm still learning.

    Things I could teach: grilled cheese making, library categorization, tea kettle cleaning. 

 

2. If there were one road in life that you should have taken but didn't, what would it be? 

     if I'd settled on entering the History Ph.D. program rather than going to law school, my life would be vastly different, and maybe better. It's interesting to consider the possibility, anyway. It's not a "should have" but a "wouldn't it be cool to know how that would have turned out?"

 

3. If you could have a sudden surge of inspiration for one thing in your life, what would you want it to be for? 

     exercise. Maybe when my houseguest has returned to their home in a couple of days, and when the weather more consistently allows for being outdoors

 

4. If you were to name the most creative outlet that you have, what would it be? 

     writing for the blog, of course

 

5. If you were to name a situation when your heart and mind were truly at odds, when would it be? 

     when making the decision to become (and remain) involved with ... my last serious involvement

 

6. If you were to receive a prize for one aspect of your character, what would you want it to be for? 

     I would want it to be for pure intelligence or creativity, but it's far more likely to actually be for patience (sighhhh) or observation.

 

7. If you were to say when it is that you normally have the most self-confidence, when would it be? 

     when talking about neutrality in World War II, or estate planning or settlement, or when cooking for myself

 

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Kurt Vonnegut, from If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young]

what good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness

1. How would your pet describe you?

    I don't exactly have a pet, but if I did he would call me still, comfortable, affectionate, silly, and responsive.

 

2. Share a story... 

    I sometimes use the phrase "oh friend of friends". It comes from a Peanuts strip that I read somewhere way back and never quite let go. Snoopy's relationship with Woodstock is much more complex than it seems, and this strip literally leaves a lump in my throat every time.

3. What do you pack in your beach / hiking bag?

    water, sunscreen, lip balm with sunscreen, a protein bar, and a towel

 

4. How do you like to spend great weather weekends?

    two long walks, preferably one on an unusual route. A little more sleep than normal. Reading, watching a movie or two, maybe working a jigsaw puzzle. Cooking something more elaborate than typical fare, and prehaps baking if conditions allow.

 

5. Describe a time when the circumstances fell in your favor.

    when I wanted to move closer to home—a decade ago, already!—I managed to apply for a job, get an interview, and get hired, all during a vacation up here that was not planned for that purpose. I had to buy "interview clothes" (which ended up falling short of the very strict dress code of the company anyway) and get a haircut, but it was little price to pay to make that move possible. Overall it was a kismet experience.

 

6. Which summer sounds do you enjoy? 

    birds with unique calls, breeze through leaves, and (rare around here) ice cream trucks

 

7. It’s not really summer until...

    my neighbors disrupt every damned day with lawnmowers, leaf blowers, four-wheelers, wood chippers, chainsaws, weed-whackers, and every other engine-powered yard toy they can find

 

8. What music are you listening to these days? 

    whatever's on the radio or playing incidentally. I'm not in a seeking-out-music phase lately.

 

9. How much has changed since last summer? 

    most things have only changed by degrees. I'm a little more solitary, eating somewhat better (i.e. less badly), probably more mentally healthy, a little better off financially (subject to change without notice). I watch more movies, read more books, and take more consistent care of housework.

 

10. What are your favorite things to wear in summer? 

    more often than not I'm in shorts, a short-sleeved t-shirt, and athletic socks. I like skorts (good GOD, I never thought I'd use that phrase in my lifetime) and short-sleeved button-up shirts with sandals but really only wear that sort of thing for 'an event'. For that matter, my feet are no longer the darling showpieces that they used to be, now looking like the tools (for walking) that they are.

 

11. What do you miss about winter, when it's the middle of summer? 

    the quiet and pure beauty of a heavy snowfall.

    tucking into a blanket or three, especially for a long sleep.

    cooking and baking. 

    boots and sweaters and jackets with pockets.

    car seat heat. There's no warm-weather equivalent!

 

12. How would you spend summer vacation as an adult? 

    a whole summer off? I experienced that in 2022 and can't recommend it. Well, I guess if it was voluntary and not externally imposed it would be different. Financially if not practically. My surprise summer off was not wholly awful, and was not wasted, but it was a tight squeeze and nothing I want to go through again.

 

13. Describe your ideal get together/party.

    it's just me and one cat, sitting by the window and watching the squirrels

 

14. What makes you feel like part of your community? 

    I'm on the board of my homeowner's association, albeit by necessity and not by choice. It feels entirely like a forced march and I loathe everything about it (except one or two of the other directors). My tour of duty ends in December, 2027, and I will serve not one moment longer. 

    Apart from that, or maybe because of it, I feel part of this place when my neighbors wave as I drive in or out, or when I go by on my way to my campus walk-route. After almost four years they have finally sort of started to recognize me. To be fair most of my neighbors are rather elderly and maybe can't see to recognize anyone.

 

15. How was your July 2024?

    judging by the blog, I watched a boatload of movies and otherwise must have been pretty busy because I only posted a dozen times. 

 

[from here; the title quotation is by John Steinbeck, from Travels with Charley: In Search of America]

through glory and ecstasy we pass; Wind, sun, and earth remain, the birds sing still, When we are old, are old

1 If you could rid your family of one thing, what would it be? 

    squeamishness about frank talking. We are a polite and careful bunch, and try hard not to impose, so it can be tough to get down to brass tacks about stuff that matters but impinges on a comfort zone. That means that at tough times, we have to really force ourselves (and each other) to open up.

2 If you were to select the person you know who would be the most difficult to seduce, who would you name? 

    someone I used to date (and wouldn't mind seeing again), who's made it clear innumerable times and ways that he could not be less interested

 

3 If you could destroy one thing physically, what would it be, and how would you do it? 

    [that is a poorly-written question.]

    I would happily destroy the external sound system at the nearby university, so that their sports events would need to be analog (prehaps accomplished with cheer megaphones).          

    A combination of controlled explosives and an earth-mover ought to take care of that problem for good.

 

4 If you had to name the smartest person you have ever met, who would it be? 

    it's a tie. First, my thesis advisor—go ahead: ask him anything. He doesn't know everything about everything, but he does know something about it.

    Next, a high school boyfriend (Emerald Man)—he's the renaissance man, and still my go-to for easy answers to technical issues, and absolutely the best for "what do you think of this idea?" sorts of questions because he's not the slightest bit reluctant to give a realistic answer.

    Finally, a library colleague who worked in Reference, because he could find a specific needle in a needle stack, and loved the hunt for knowledge. Can you imagine why we had a lot in common?

 

5 If, in retrospect, you could have been nicer to one person in your life, who would it be? 

     Andrew (mentioned many times before, including here).

 

6 If you had to describe the moment in your life when you had to have the most courage, what would you say? 

    the day I separated from my marriage. 

 

7 If you could go back in time to undo one injury you inflicted on someone else, what would it be? 

    I deeply regret my behavior toward my prom date, though in the final accounting it probably came out a wash. We had some very good times together—he's an excellent, intelligent, confident debater—and steamed up windows from time to time, even after that prom drama.

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Rupert Brooke]

songs are as sad as the listener

1 If you were to identify the inner need that your worst habit fulfills, what would it be? 

    that's easy: it's fearing abandonment and so pushing away anyone who could be in a position to hurt me by leaving. That includes individuals, of course, but also friend groups, animals, activities, jobs, and hobbies. 

    This isn't unique to me; many studies (including this one) have explored the connection between one's attachment style in the past and present. Articles like this one look at what holds people back from success in love. Projects like this one, and innumerable therapy options, aim at achieving and maintaining 'attachment security'. 

    A more in-depth post on this specific subject is in the works.

 

2 If you could have avoided knowing about one thing during your life, what would it be, and why? 

    I'd have been happier not knowing the lengths that people can go to, to try and ease out of situations and relationships that they don't want to be in but are afraid or unwilling to leave directly. 

    Why? Identifying a pothole doesn't always make it easier to avoid. In the same way that it's possible to share too much bald truth in the pursuit of "honesty," it's also possible to hurt someone by trying too hard "to protect them from pain."

3 If one thing could happen right now that would most effectively boost your confidence, what would it be? 

    getting even the most slight handle on losing weight. It's not that I've so much to lose, or am so terribly much more unhealthy because of it. I'm just tired of thinking about it and working on it and talking about it with doctors. I want it to get out of my limelight.

4 If you could follow your heart right now and do one thing that you otherwise wouldn't be inclined to do, what would it be? 

    move, and leave no forwarding address except to a handful of people. Leave this money-pit and associated home-owning hassles to someone else, live in my car or rent a small space, and cut a bunch of dead-end energy wasting out of my life. Move to a place where it doesn't hurt to breathe the cold air, where evidence of failed relationships doesn't surround me at all times, occasionally popping up at the gas station or grocery store. Where it's easier to find good take-out, clothing to buy, or people who like books. Where a very rich person doesn't own huge swaths of property in town with an aim to turn it into a shrine to their own ego.

 

5 If you were to select the one characteristic of your zodiac sign that most fits your personality, what would it be? 

    my most notable negative trait: overly independent, which also reads as pushing people away, standoffishness, or being a snob

    my strongest positive trait: observant—see also thoughtful, considerate, or perceptive

 

6 If you were to name three people throughout your life that helped to complete you as a person, who would they be? 

     one academic version of an answer to this question: my English prof in undergrad (by believing in my ability to write—and for opening my eyes, however unwittingly, to mental sexual attraction), my thesis advisor (for showing me that there is a difference between being just a student and being a scholar), and my Constitutional Law professor (who was a pro at arguing well, and only liked students who could hold their own). All of those attributes, skills, predilections, and preferences shaped what I care about and who I am, every single day.

 

7 If you were to name the most comforting thing for you to hold in your hands, what would it be? 

    a cat 

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Jonathan Safran Foer, from Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close]

look, I hate good-byes, too. But sometimes, we need them just to survive

Describe your ideal date night. 

    I truly loathe the phrase 'date night', though I've grudgingly come around to the idea of making a space for it in a busy schedule. 

    For me, though? The ideal? An early-ish dinner, fairly casual and probably ethnic (or less casual, and steak). A walk, maybe browse a bookstore. A movie, either at the theater or at home. Hot, buttery, salty popcorn. A few bites of exceptionally delicious ice cream. No phones, tablets, laptops, headphones, speakers, or notifications. Talk. Laughing. Hugs.

 

Have you ever accidentally Replied All to an email you shouldn’t have? 

    no, I have not. The financial institution was bad for this, and it made me a little paranoid about it. I reality-check any email I'm sending to be sure it's going to the right place.

    At the library, the contagious email problem was the failure to include attachments. My last boss was notorious for never attaching the meeting packet to the board of trustees. Embarrassing!

 

If your family had a reality show, what would it be called? 

    "PSP, LBL" (Polite, Shy People, Leading Boring Lives)

 

Is there a fantasy you’d like to come true? 

    true love

 

What do you consider your biggest strength as half of a couple? 

     sensitivity, generosity, words that are needed to hear.

    For that matter, my greatest weaknesses are sensitivity, giving, and saying things that are not needed to hear. 

    I believe that the strengths and weaknesses of each partner are reinforced, intensified, counterbalanced, and colored by those of the other partner (as well as innumerable outside influences). My value and detriment to a relationship were different when I was with a clinical psychologist than they were in my dalliance with a package-delivery courier or my liaison (loving these euphemisms) with a nightclub bouncer/infomercial producer. Sensitivity had different value, as did the nature of generosity, and certainly the appropriateness and type of things to be said (or left unsaid).

 

Is there a family secret you think you’re not supposed to know? 

    I only recently found out that a person to whom I was once related by marriage died by suicide. At the time, I had been told they'd had a heart attack. We'd not been terribly close during the marriage, though I was sad to hear that they'd died. I'm just confused as to the source and purpose of that deception, which now seems not only pointless but mean.

 

What was going through your mind the last time you were intimate with someone? 

    Cuckoo, cuckoo 

    Regretfully they tell us cuckoo, cuckoo 

    But firmly they compel us 

    To say, 'Goodbye', to you 

    So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night 

    I hate to go and leave this pretty sight 

    So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu 

    Adieu, adieu, to you...

    Figuratively speaking.

 

What would you do if you were invisible for a day? 

     trip a couple people—numerous times. Stick my finger in the dessert. Empty a wallet or two.

 

[from here, divided and adapted; the title quotation is by Rachel Caine, from Fall of Night]

abstain from murder, theft, fornication, perjury, blasphemy, and disrespect

1 Would you like to have a high-definition nude image of yourself in your physical prime? 

    absolutely

 

2 In what period since you were a teenager did you have the most personal growth and change? 

    the four years around the divorce. Physically, emotionally, practically, sexually, financially, socially, professionally....

    If you wanted to have another such period, what could you do to bring it about or otherwise shake up your life? 

    good question, since that span of time and change was hardly part of some master plan. I suppose I'd need to stick a fork in my primary social relationship, destroy my parents' faith, alienate a bunch of friends (or, to be fair, people I thought were my friends), take a new job, move house at least 3 times, spontaneously become involved with someone 8 years and a million miles from my emotional location, lose roughly 1/4 of my body weight, annihilate my financial security, and make a bunch of foolish, short term choices with long-term effects.

 

3 What are the most important things (excluding children) you've brought into the world that would not exist without you? 

    21+ years of this blog, a handful of other writing, and some old-style mix CDs

 

4 Would you commit perjury for a close friend? For example, might you testify that your best friend was driving carefully when he hit a pedestrian even though he actually was laughing at something on the radio and not paying attention? 

    yes, but not for something that blatantly dumb. Those for whom I can imagine doing such a thing are grown-ups who wouldn't fuck up that badly and expect someone else to pull their bacon out of the fire. 

    To be fair, there's really only one person for whom this could become realistic, and I've already lied for them a thousand times before. What's one more?

 

 [from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is by Bertrand Russell, and reads in its entirety as follows.]

If throughout your life you abstain from murder, theft, fornication, perjury, blasphemy, and disrespect toward your parents, church, and your king, you are conventionally held to deserve moral admiration even if you have never done a single kind, generous or useful action. This very inadequate notion of virtue is an outcome of taboo morality, and has done untold harm.

a good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving

Lough Swilly, 1 of 3 glacial fjords in Ireland

1. Have you traveled abroad? Where have you been? If you haven't been overseas, which countries would you most like to visit? 

    I have not. The most feasible country would be the maple leaf to the north. However, I would most like to visit the area in and around Ireland and Spain, to see the places I wrote about in my thesis (which, incidentally, I'm thinking about reading for the first time in a long time even though just the thought makes me very nervous.) Berehaven and Lough Swilly (Ireland), for example, and Vigo, Cádiz, and obviously Gibraltar (in or near Spain).

 

2. Where did you go on your last trip? Talk about where you went and what you did. 

    my last trip was to the cornhusker state (and really, that's an excellent motto—both bewildering and intriguing) during the summer of '24. I stayed in the most populous city in the state, which is conveniently located at the extreme eastern edge bordering the hawkeye state. That spot was chosen because it's within 6 hours of my current location by car, has several bookstores, and is a place I'd never been. I stayed in a casino hotel (though I didn't gamble at all). Went to a handful of bookstores, a science museum (worth the trip in itself), had the best steak of my life so far, and stumbled upon a food festival that was surprising and fun. There was also a long walk across a pedestrian bridge (pictured below, right) that spans the state line. I would go back, for sure, if the opportunity arises. 

the river area, looking a bit muddier than when I saw it

3. What is the best place for a vacation in your country?

    it is a good thing and a bad thing that my country is home to many, many vacation options that appeal to various types of vacationers. There really is something for everyone: sports, relaxation, big cities, small towns, wilderness (in a huge variety of forms), learning, partying.... 

    My country has a strange, extreme reputation in other parts of the world. We are said to be stupid, arrogant, venal, violent, frivolous, gluttonous, and many other bad things. Some of that is true, albeit in specific examples rather than broad categories. I've always thought it was shortsighted stereotyping, anyway—in the same way that it's simplistic to think—or to pretend—that all _____ers are just _____. Fill in your own blanks.

    In this big country with so much to do, my preference for a vacation is not going to be like everyone else's, but here it is: Lawrence, Kansas. It's cosmopolitan without feeling crazy busy or over-populated. It's natural, without being "in the country" and lacking amenities. It's quirky. There are lots of bookstores. It's less expensive than some vacation spots, though the university is the town and thus on big sports weekends it can be impossible to find a place to stay or eat.

 

4. What is the longest time you have been away from home? Did you feel homesick? 

    this question confuses and amuses me. What does "away from home" mean when you're an adult? 

at the conference hotel

    I spent a week (5 days) taking a professional course, shortly after I started working the (last) financial services job, plus a day on each end for travel. There have been a couple of (road) trips lasting five days or so, and a handful of stays at my feline BFF's place that were nearly as long.

    Did I feel homesick? The week of classes came at an extremely inopportune time, emotionally and socially, and was suffered rather than enjoyed. I wouldn't have called it "homesick", though—more like "newly in love and lonely for the beloved." Each of those road trips was taken with that person, and I was definitely not homesick! And the latter group is pretty much the happiest and most comfortable I can be. No complaints there. 

 

5. How long should a vacation be? How long does it take you to really relax? 

    at least 3 days, not counting travel days. More or less depending how much there is to do and see, and of course how much money there is to facilitate it all. Any less than that and it's all rush, no relax. 

6. What forms of transportation do you prefer to use when you travel? 

    driving myself, 95% of the time. Then, driving when someone I trust is at the wheel. Then flying. Trains (though that's a sketchy proposition), then buses. Not at all a fan of ride-share. Maybe it's the lawyer in me, but it just seems so unregulated (like driverless cars), and the bad examples are far more bad than the good examples are good. My tendency toward vertigo makes boats unappealing, though I can handle the ones that stay pretty calm or, oddly, those that go really fast. And because I'm a throwback, I quite like taxis.

 

7. How do you choose where to go? Are you inspired by other people's travel stories? Or photos?

Or advertising? 

     as described in #2, above, there is a list of verified and potential destinations within a 6-or-so hour drive from home. Anything beyond that would require a higher degree of scrutiny. Within that list, a decision can be made based on: the available time away; seasonal benefits (e.g. the right weather for great photography) or considerations (e.g. the wrong weather for driving or for outdoor adventures); overlap with other travel interests (a cool exhibit at a museum, or in-person shopping needs); and especially good or bad funding.

    'Inspired' is a stronger term than I would use to describe the feelings I have about others' travel stories or photos. Those I see most often are cruise ships and hockey camps, neither of which appeals. The idea of travel, though, can be spurred by seeing someone else's adventure stories.

    As with the above, advertising is almost never directed toward something I'd actually do or see. High-end hotels, flights to seemingly-random locations, weekend tour packages... none of that is in my realm.  

 

8. What's more important to you when you travel—comfort and relaxation, or stimulating new experiences? 

     comforting and relaxing new experiences that are also stimulating, maybe. For instance, I think bookstores are like home away from home, and they're also exciting and compelling. Same with walking by a river that's new to me, or dining in a restaurant that's unfamiliar, prehaps a new favorite (and maybe just food as fuel 'til the next meal). There's always something to photograph, to try, and to remember fondly afterward. I don't need an agenda or a to-see-and-do list to enjoy a trip. 

 

[stolen from here; the title quotation is from Lao Tzu]

we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age

I am not: mousey

I hurt: when I am not permitted to communicate

I love: that a friend who had a baby—after years of yearning to be a mother—didn't send photo cards for Christmas, because she realizes how hard that can be on some others.

I hate: feeling jealous

I fear: sketchy electrical systems

I hope: to never again have another political argument

I regret: falling in love

I cry: easily

I care: about some ridiculous things

I always: think about a high school boyfriend when I hear the word "hat"

I long: for things that I cannot have

I listen: to audiobooks, several hours each day

I hide: when I'm feeling wounded

I write: as often as possible, in various ways

I miss: being drunk (but not drinking)

I search: on DuckDuckGo

I learn: every day

I feel: sleepy

I know: that I'm essentially alone in the universe

I want: to be fit and strong

I worry: about the health of people I love

I wish: that I could catch up

I have: more than enough Christmas ornaments

I give: less than I have, but more than I ought

I wait: a fraction of a moment before starting through an intersection after a red light, knowing it might get me rear-ended sometime but that's better than being broadsided

I need: all, or nothing at all

 

[from here; the title quotation is by H.P. Lovecraft from The Call of Cthulhu]

I personally find that for domestic purposes, the Trivial Pursuit system works better than Dewey

1. Knowing what you know now, if you had to start high school again, what would you do differently? 

    study. Go out for stuff that's the slightest bit interesting. Take more pictures, both of others and myself. Ignore the guy on the bike. Pick up a few extra hours at the after-school job. Buy the dress. Open up to possibilities while also tempering the flights of idiotic fancy. Spend more time with the friends who act like friends and less on those who wanted me to carry the satchel.  

 

2. Where would you absolutely refuse to go alone? 

     I've thought about this for a long time, and I haven't come up with anything. I have to be able to do stuff by myself, in order to proceed with life at all. 

 

3. What's the hardest physical work you've ever done? 

    none of my jobs has involved hard physical work. Each of them had outlying moments that were more difficult than most (operating a large rotary oven or deep fat dryer, hauling kegs of root beer up incredibly narrow stone steps, shifting library shelves, shuttling dozens or hundreds of bank files through ice & snow—and on and on) but those were not the point or majority of the work. 

    For truly hard work involved, moving house is my high (or low) point. I'm a great packer and organizer, and I'm reasonably good at buddy-carries. But I'm not overly strong and reach my limit pretty quickly. When I think of the most exhausted I've been, and the most physically wrung-out, it's my moves that were the cause.

 

4. Like February 29th, what other days do you wish only came around every four years instead of every year? 

    • the day I pay my law license renewal (mid-December)

    • November 14

    • dental cleaning

    • Valentine's Day

    • the day I pay my townhome association insurance assessment (late January)

 

5. What have you done today that makes you feel proud? 

    I just baked peanut butter cookies. I've been testing every recipe that I can find, trying to hit on precisely the right texture and flavor. I can already tell that this version is not It; the cookies crumbled a bit as they came off the pan. Still, it's one more try, and another couple dozen cookies regardless.

 

6. When did you first feel like a grown-up and what were you doing? 

    there was no one obvious moment, no watershed experience that shocked me to the core. It was probably the first time I needed to pay a medical bill, or even when I was sick and there was no one present to take care of me. Being a grown-up means handling the hard parts.

 

7. In a game of Trivial Pursuit, what category is your strongest? 

    Sports. Shocked? Thought I would claim History? Despite two degrees in that concentration, I never did receive The Download Of All Historical Information that some people seem to think each History graduate receives. My studies were, with the exception of some lower-level classes that I promptly purged from my brain, focused almost entirely on a few specific subjects in a specific theater in a specific war. There are worlds of history outside what I know.

    Sports, though, are pretty easy.  

 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Nick Hornby, from The Polysyllabic Spree]

being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice

an abandoned mall (not actually the local version)

1. If you could have a lifetime 50 percent discount in any single store at your local mall, which store would it be in? 

    my local "mall" contained the following, last time I was there:

        • BBQ restaurant owned by a high school classmate, which is so good that my tummy growled just thinking about it. I don't go as often as I'd like, mostly because I'd be at least as wide as I am tall before long. SO good.

        • supplements store (never been)

        • sushi restaurant (never been)

        • axe-throwing and arcade games (never been)

        • resale shop benefiting a parochial elementary school (have shopped once or twice, and donated once. There's a bag in my back seat waiting for me to haul it over, in fact.)

        • cell phone store (never been)

another abandoned mall (still not the local version)

        • liquor store (once or twice? maybe?)

        • taekwondo gym (needless to say, I've never been. They've won some state and national meets, though, so if I were to go, that would be a great choice.)

        • little kid gym. Gymnastics? Tumbling? Dance? Who knows. 

        • driving school 

        • internet service provider "store" (really just a call center)

        • license center

    Of those, the first or the last would be freaking AWESOME to access at half price. The rest of them...meh.

 

2. If you had to name the one thing that can most readily ruin your day, what would it be? 

    computer/network/software malfunction. I realize that it's rampant throughout the work world, but it seems particularly problematic when working remotely. There's no IT department to troubleshoot me, after all. 

 

3. If you were to name one person you know who is a true gentleman, who would it be? 

    my friend R. We met in our first year of college, back when we shared both a major course of study and an attitude about behavior and beverages (among other things). We also worked for the same department for our work-study jobs, though in quite different roles. We also sort of dated, briefly.

    We've stayed in touch since then, most of that time in the era before social media. Letters, email, phone calls, and a few visits here and there. Literally here and there, in fact, since it happened both on the Flat and since I returned to home base. 

    My point is that he went out of his way to stay connected to me. There was no clear payoff for him. He wasn't making money on the deal. I had nothing tangible to offer in exchange for his time and effort. We ate and drank and talked, when we could be in the same state and make it work. We have a FB Messenger thread that is probably on its own dedicated server by now. Now and then, we text. Even more rarely, we talk on the phone. And each of those experiences is another piece to the growing puzzle of our friendship.

    So, what makes him a gentleman? Check out this post from 'Gentleman's Journal'. Several of the elements stand out for me—numbers 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 (especially 8 and 12)—but I can verify from my own experience that most of the list is in his arsenal. In short, he's a good guy, he works at things that require effort, and he shows that he cares about the people in his life. And today is prehaps his birthday!

 

4. If you could have anyone from history welcome you into the afterlife, who would you want it to be?

    my dad's next-younger brother, my mom's next-younger sister's husband, and my godfather. 

 

5. If you had to choose the most extreme example of sexual harassment you have suffered, what would it be? 

    besides the one described here involving a law prof, or the one described here starring Toby... it would be one of the first times I went to a bar by myself—well before I was of age—at my hometown's excuse for a "dance club". One of the rare times at that age that I went into a bar without "pregaming", I was totally sober. I walked in the door, intending to walk through to the other bar that was attached, slightly more low-key than the dance bar but also more intentional about the hookups. 

    So. Walking through the dance bar, minding my own business, intent on my goal. Not really paying attention to my surroundings. All of a sudden, guy in a booth by himself reaches out and grabs me by the wrist. Pulls me onto his side of the booth. Clearly wasted, drunk as hell, he slurred out the usual canned blather. As if it was a compliment. I was not interested for various reasons, but most significantly because he was my boyfriend's dad. Not the bf of that moment, but recently enough that I knew him immediately. And he was trying to get his hands on me, and trying drunkenly to pick me up. 

    It was not difficult to extricate myself from the situation. He was hammered enough that I was able to pull my arm from his grip and get away pretty fast. And a bouncer had seen it happen and was headed our way from the door, so I would have been safe, regardless. But that feeling stuck with me for a while, both the physical feeling of being grabbed and pulled and slobbered at, and the emotional feeling of being repulsed and horrified and, for no reason that I could then understand, deeply ashamed.

 

6. If you had to identify the one thing destiny probably held in store for you, what would you say it is? 

     being alone. In my youth, I cared far too much about romantic adventure and entanglement. At times I was probably obsessed with it. That much focus and energy on anything isn't healthy, particularly when so much of it rests on the fickle whims of fate and men. I might wish it were different, but can't be surprised by how that all worked out.

 

7. If you could own a single prop from any film ever made, what would you choose? 

    Léon's sunglasses 

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is from Vin Diesel]