as close as we're ever likely to get

        Somewhere between what it feels like, to be at 

one with the sea, and to understand the sea as 

mere context for the boat whose engine refuses 

finally to turn over: yeah, I know the place—

stumbled into it myself, once; twice, almost. All 

around and in between the two trees that 

grow there, tree of compassion and—much taller—

tree of pity, its bark more bronze, the snow 

        settled as if an openness of any kind meant, as well, 

a woundedness that, by filling it, the snow 

might heal.... You know what I think? I think if we're 

lost, you should know exactly where, by now; I've 

watched you stare long and hard enough at the map 

already... I'm beginning to think I may never 

not be undecided, about all sorts of things: whether 

snow really does resemble the broken laughter 

        of the long abandoned when what left comes back 

big-time; whether gratitude's just a haunted 

space like any other. This place sounds daily 

more like a theater of war, each time I listen to it—

loss, surprise, victory, being only three of the countless 

fates, if you want to call them that, that we don't 

so much live with, it seems, as live for now among. If as 

close as we're ever likely to get, you and I, is this—this close—  

 

[Carl Phillips {1959- } 'The Way One Animal Trusts Another', from Wild is the Wind]

our poor human heart is flawed: it is like a cake without the frosting

1. What role does humor play in your expressions of love? 

     it works—but only when it is not even one iota hurtful.

 

2. How important is teamwork in a relationship? 

    teamwork is a good thing. Having mutual goals strengthens a couple's unity, drawing them closer. 

    At the same time, though, I firmly believe that remaining independent, singular people is also vital to a healthy relationship. I am more interested in a person whose life and work and hobbies are amenable to, but not a complete overlap with, my own. We'll have more to talk about if the topics vary. 

    I do have a sense that my responses to this question are reactionary.

 

3. What role does attraction play in love? 

    attraction marches alongside, maybe more like frosting than part of the cake itself. In my experience, attraction can be a pathetic, painful distraction from the truth of a relationship. Prehaps it's my age, but I absolutely vow that I'd rather have deep love without attraction than pale mirage with a physical fire beside it. 

 

4. Is love the same across all ages? 

    love is like lasagna: it's all different iterations of the same basic structure. Mine works for me, but is probably unappetizing to others (and thank goodness for that).

 

5. How important is listening in a relationship? 

    it's very important to me and mine. 

 

6. What lessons have your past relationships taught you about love?

    that I don't understand it, really 

 

8. Does love require physical attraction?

    obviously not. Some relationships, maybe. Love? No. 

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Fulton Sheen, from Peace of Soul: Timeless Wisdom on Finding Serenity and Joy by the Century's Most Acclaimed Catholic Bishop]

the days go by I can feel them flyin' Like a hand out the window As the cars go by

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, 

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, 

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

 Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 

Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’. 

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

 He was my North, my South, my East and West, 

My working week and my Sunday rest, 

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong. 

 The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, 

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, 

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; 

For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

 [W.H. Auden {1907-1973} 'Funeral Blues', from The Art of Losing {Kevin Young, ed.}]

---

Reading. Always a book nearby. 

 

Sitting on the floor at her knee, weeping. Her gentle presence neither encouraging nor judging the tears, but just being there with me.

 

Driving to the next state over, to help the son move house.

 

Book recommendations, including Martin Sloane (which made her literally chuck it at the wall after the last page, exactly like I had done when I read it). 

 

Redecorating, all in green.

 

A visit to the far-west suburbs to buy a couple of gifts - I particularly remember picking out earrings - before my trip to Dallas to Meet a Man.

 

Medical appointments. Surgeries. Recovery. Pain. Perseverance. Faith. Strength. Selflessness. Fortitude.

 

Review journals, paperclips, and endless notes of books to buy.

 

Practically pinning her to the chair to watch The Princess Bride for the first time. She was so reluctant to watch a movie she thought would be dumb, but ended up loving.

 

Driving around in the evening (turning to late night), talking ourselves hoarse, laughing a lot and crying a little. Nearly running out of gas until I finally limped into a lit (but unmanned) station, thank goodness for pay-at-the-pump.

 

The trip of a lifetime, to the left coast, for a wedding.

 

Not "long-suffering." Not "always positive." Not "uncomplaining." A real, whole, full, flawed, feeling person.

 

Pizza delivery. Stuffed green peppers. Chicken-on-a-Plate. 

 

Phone calls.

 

Texts. 

 

Late-night talks.

 

The kitties.

 

Hair-twirling snarkiness that would shock almost anyone else (who could believe such a thing of the saintly Fluffy?)

 

Homemade sloppy joes, every time I moved house (and there were so many moves!), because she "couldn't really help."

 

Cards and letters in the most beautiful (and distinctive) handwriting.

 

Scones, tea. Quiet Sunday mornings.

 

Sympathy. Empathy. Grace. Friendship. Love.

 [the title quotation is by Keith Urban, from "Days Go By"]

we shared an uncanny connection

2. What are you afraid you might be judged for? 

    "afraid" is the wrong word to use; I'm not afraid of these judgments, so much as sensitive to and annoyed by them. 

    • migraines (by nature "all in my head")

    • my job (almost impossible to adequately explain, and seems way more casual, low-stress and unimportant than it can be)

    • natural fingernails (guys are surprisingly quick to criticize something they've never tried to understand)

    • my love for all things solitary 

    • not losing weight/getting more fit/giving a crap about wearing makeup or dressing up

    • my taste in movies, which has shifted so far away from even trying popular Hollywood fare 

 

8. Tell about a moment when you felt intensely attracted to someone, without telling who it was.

    I liked him pretty well already, so this wasn't out of the blue. We met up after work to go for a drive, just wandering around, sharing memories and impressions of stuff we saw, telling stories, getting to know each other in a different way. We were at a stop sign (he was driving). He reached over and tapped my hand, resting on my leg, and said quietly, "I'm glad we're doing this. I really like who you are now." He wasn't pitching it for a reaction, attempting to exchange it for goods or services, or faking. He was telling a truth.

    A man who can do that, who thinks to do it and actually does it, has something inside of him that most people will never get close to. 

 

11. What’s one thing you wish you could tell your younger self about love and relationships? 

    people lie. Sometimes even people you like, or who love you, or with whom you have ferocious chemistry, will lie. That's a fact of life, not a flaw in you, but being a sucker is a weakness when you're not even basically careful.

16. If you were a fictional love story character, who would you be and why? 

    Marianne Dashwood. She's a romantic idealist, in love with feelings, and easily hurt. Her emotions are not just on her sleeve—they are wrapped around her like a blanket. 

     This isn't who I am now, but it's certainly who I've been in the past, and the most love-story-appropriate version of me.

 

2. Can love bloom on the battlefield? 

    of course, it can. Look at Moonlighting (1985-1989). Look at Hemingway, much of whose work (and whose life) involved that sort of scenario. Doctor Zhivago. From Here to Eternity. Cold Mountain. Gone with the Wind.... Maybe it's not the ideal location for a love story, but it sure does happen. Has happened, anyway.

 

21. What are your non-negotiables in a partnership for the long run? 

    I'm allowing myself a maximum of three. A partner for me must be:

        • infected by curiosity

        • inherently kind

        • absent any legal, social, or implied romantic relationship with another person

 

17. If you could create a sensory experience that perfectly encapsulates your feelings for someone you've loved, what would it look, sound, smell, taste, and feel like? 

    when I was newly single, I was involved with a guy who lived on the left coast. That experience looked like something represented in the photo directly above. It tasted like raspberry truffles from Chukar Cherries, still my favorite candy. It sounded like Colin Hay's "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You." It smelled like a cologne whose name I no longer recall, but whose scent would bring me back to that time in a heartbeat. (Trust me, it's happened.) And it felt like a mix of gradual friendship and fear and lust and mistrust and affinity and even more gradual, grudging, fearful, tentative love.

 

 [from here and adapted; the title quotation is from a blog post called "Patterns", tied in with #17, above]

every limit is a beginning as well as an ending

For a long time, I was the fascinated one, and he the admired. 

 

I marveled at his ease, his sureness, the way his confidence filled a room and left no corner uncertain. I watched with rapt attention. I wrote letters, small devotions in ink on paper. I scoured the earth for the perfect gift. I traveled to visit him. He cooked for me. He liked to feed people—meat seared, wine poured—and I, in turn, fed him with words. 

 

This blog was the one place where our balance reversed. Here, he became the reader and I, the voice. For years he read everything, faithfully, each post a continuation of our conversation. You make me think, he said once. You're so smart, and still so fun. 

 

Then, over time, he stopped following. "I really need to catch up," he'd say—but never did. "I really ought to take a weekend to read everything." That was the quiet red flag, when the mutual interest began to leak out through invisible seams. 

 

At first I mistook my hurt for vanity, my ego stinging at being less admired. But that wasn't it. It wasn't about being read every single day, every single post; it was about being prioritized. Mutual attention and admiration had been the bridge between us, and when it fell into disrepair, I realized how much of myself had been crossing it. How much of the effort had been mine alone.

 

What I felt was not wounded pride, but the grief of unreciprocated curiosity—the powerful ache of loss when someone stops wondering about you. Because love, at its most alive, is made of wonder: not only "I love who you are", but "I love the revelation of who you are becoming". 

 

When that discovery ended, something within me turned its face toward a different sun. I began to write (and blog) more, not less. I formed new patterns, habits, and small rituals just for me. I sought spaces where my own curiosity could breathe freely again—places where thought could stretch without waiting to be met. 

 

He had been the admired; I was the fascinated. 

But somewhere along the way, I became both, for myself: the question and the answer, the seeker and the seen. 

 

[the title quotation is by George Eliot, from Middlemarch]

how do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment

1 Who has been the most significant love in your life? 

     I cringe from positive superlatives, especially for nebulous ideas. It's impossible to quantitatively compare the significance of my first love, to that of my only spouse, to that of my most recent relationship, to that of the one that got away.

    Right now, my impression is that the most important loves of my life have been cats. Their affection and trust and loyalty cannot be found in the human world. Their ability to receive affection is unsurpassed. Their sturdy, warm presence is a balm. 

    If one contrasts that to anyone in my romantic history, it ought to be obvious why I prefer the 4-legged to the 2-legged version.  

 

2 How do you communicate your feelings in a relationship? 

    a series of eyebrow-raises that are a very evocative semaphore language 

 

3 What is the difference between infatuation and love? 

     it's the difference between liking a dish someone else brings to a potluck, and getting the recipe and learning to make it for yourself. 

    It's the difference between admiring someone's haircut and paying a stylist to give it to you.

    It's the difference between appreciating the view as you walk along the river, and jumping in.

 

4 Is love necessary for happiness? 

    I don't know, because I've never been without it. Maybe not in a romantic way, but I have always been loved, and always known it.  

 

5 How do you show appreciation in your relationships? 

    say the words, and back it up with choices like being present, being still and listening. Less often, I'll write it. Recent events have soured cards and letters for me. Maybe that desire will come back someday but for now it's a degree of vulnerability and futility that I really can't stomach.

 

6 How does love evolve over time? 

    that answer is as complicated as love itself, and has as many unique answers as there are unique loves in existence or memory.

    Good loves evolve by expanding. More experiences, more comfort and care and ease. More challenges and shared loss. More mutual acquaintances, friends, family, and animals with whom and about whom to grow and learn and be nurtured. More and better forgiveness and openness to difference. 

    The other kind of love devolves by reducing. Pinpoint accuracy in recalling past hurts. Focus on the negative, the difficult, and the pointless. More meanness, in both senses of the word (inconsideration, and stinginess). Smaller margin for error. Less acceptance of small mistakes or poor choices. 

 

7 Do you believe in soulmates? 

    I believe that there are people whose presence in one's life is meant to be. Beyond that, who knows.  

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Eckhart Tolle, from A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose]

the challenge will not wait. Life does not look back

The last 3 days have been unbelievable. 

On Friday, I woke at (6:30 AM) and worked the usual time (7AM-3PM). 

    It was an especially stressful day.

Immediately thereafter, headed out for a much-needed walk. 

Midway through the walk, got a text from a family member.

    Another family member was in a medical crisis. 

        Not an emergency, per se, but a situation where local healthcare would not do the job. 

They needed to go to an urban hospital and be seen via ER.

For reasons unrelated to those circumstances, I was needed to drive them.

 

I walked home (quickly), showered (in record time), and drove to their house.

We left at 4:50 PM. 

I arrived back home at 1:20 AM.

 

Saturday (yesterday) was similarly long.

I woke at the usual time (after about 4 hours in bed, sleeping prehaps half of that).

    Big brother picked me up for breakfast at 6:50 as is our practice on Saturdays.

We met the two from the Friday incident at 7:AM.

Came home and changed clothes.

    Met a friend to walk around the lake at 10:AM, as has been planned for a week.

Returned, showered, and got ready to once again accompany the others to the big city.

    Follow-up testing was needed, albeit not via ER this time.

However, they decided to go without my help. 

I remained in text contact throughout the day.

 

Today is Sunday. I went to bed last night a little before 9PM.

Woke a little after 7AM.

I still feel groggy and deeply tired, even after 10 hours' good sleep. 

And I feel guilty, for getting good sleep, and for not going along yesterday.

And I feel sad and scared because my family member has been in a lot of pain and faces some uncertainty.

And I feel concern for my other family member, who is a champion worrier.

 

It's been a really tough summer.

One of my best friends died.

    It was exceptionally traumatic. 

        I grieve his death every day. 

    As a direct result of this, a person I've cared about for a long time is lost from me. 

One of my family members has gone through a cancer diagnosis.

    They've survived what appears to be successful treatment.

Another family member has a very different cancer diagnosis.

    Their treatment options are limited, and survival is uncertain—or unlikely.

What I want most is to curl up into a ball, figuratively and literally.

There's no time for that. 

 

The lessons?

    Surround yourself with the people you love.

    Tell them how you feel and what they mean, by whatever means you can.

    Time is limited; there is no 'someday'.

    If it needs doing, do it now. 

 

[the title quotation is by Paulo Coelho, from The Devil and Miss Prym]

half of life is fucking up, the other half is dealing with it

1. How do you express apologies in your relationships? 

    I apologize, out loud or in writing. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make a person weak—it means they're courageous and honest. It also doesn't need to be complicated.

2. What does being loved feel like to you? 

    Some things are indescribable, and this question is a little bit strange. It's essentially the same as asking someone what it feels like to be human. Uhm, yes? Blue? 47? Quack? 

 

3. Is it possible to love someone forever? 

    yes 

4. What words do you most associate with love?  

        hope

         confusion 

          loss

    Try me again in 6 months or a year, and this may have changed. 

         

5. How do you balance personal space with intimacy? 

     it's not a question of balance, exactly. Each person in the world, much less in a relationship, likely needs or wants a slightly different ratio of those two states of being. The very definition of intimacy is personal. I can feel close to, intimate with, someone without needing to be in the same room or house or state as they are. For that matter, I've also felt quite distant from someone despite sharing a couch, or even a bed.

    I've lived by myself for a long time. Sharing physical space would be a big change. I do welcome the opportunity to become close with someone, though.  

    (This article gives a more structured analysis of this issue.) 

6. How do you overcome trust issues in a relationship? 

    good question. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to share.  

7. At what age do people typically start to understand love? 

    older than I am now, apparently 

 

[from here; the title quotation is from Henry Rollins]

everybody wants to be somebody fancy. Even if they're shy

1 When's the last time you had to give a speech? How did it go? 

    early in my last tour of duty at the financial company, I was part of a 3-person team giving presentations aimed at encouraging staff to take advantage of the 401(k). My co-presenters were the head of my department—also an attorney, and one of the most frighteningly extroverted and pointy females I've ever even seen—and the head of Human Resources. That person was approaching retirement, as motherly as can be, and skillfully hiding her sharp observational skills behind an air of mellow distraction. Needless to say, we made a peculiar group. They shared the first half of the program and I handled the last part. 

    It was nerve-racking, sleep-depriving, boring, time-consuming, annoying ... and it was a lesson in anxiety. Those restless nights of diffuse worry taught me that pre-panic is pointless. Though many of the presentations had awkward moments or did not go particularly well, a couple of them were flawless, well-received, and had the desired effect—and those good results did not correlate with the degree of stress I'd placed on them beforehand. Since going through that experience, I've been less prone to sleepless nights, preoccupied by imagining the worst. Even though I disliked the experience, and still don't think of speeches as a good thing, I'm less anxious now than I was before going through that. It was worth it.

     

2 What annoys you most about women? 

    when she, individually, is annoying. I'm NOT a fan or proponent or blind acceptor of gender stereotypes. 

 

3 What's the best thing you ever built or created? 

    this blog 

 

4 If you could wave a magic wand and stop any one thing, what would you stop? 

    Canadian (and all other) wildfires. As I write this, my view of the hills near my house is obscured by a layer of yellow-gray haze. It makes me angry and afraid, to imagine what it's like anywhere more near than I am to the actual fires. 

 

5 If you were offered free cosmetic surgery by the best plastic surgeons in the world, would you take it? 

    in a heartbeat 

 

6 When are you shy? 

    unaccompanied, in a social situation involving people I've never interacted with before 

 

7 When did you get your first traffic ticket? Share the details. 

    I've never, just two verbal warnings (one in high school, one during college) and one written warning (a decade ago). I'm not over-confident but also not timid, I know my limitations and work within them. 

 

[from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is by Donald Miller, from Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality]

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself

1 Do you believe love takes work? 

    of course, it does. 

    I love a friend, who lives in another time zone, works an Important Job, and has an especially complicated life that does not allow frequent interactions. That means making extra allowances for the differences and being extra grateful for the times together. 

    I love my family, which requires me to be available at different times of day than I might prefer, and to be ready to resolve almost innumerable tech issues, or to compare notes and debate plans.

    I love my job, even though it makes me get up early and prioritize it and sometimes work longer hours (even weekends). 

    Love—of people, things, ideas, whatever—isn't easy, but it's always worth it. 

 

2 Share a favorite memory of your current/most recent partner.

    when we were past the first-blush phase and our interactions had grown in real affection but maybe dimmed in excitement, he ramped it back up by striding up to my big wall of windows (at work, the financial place), and then continuing on his way. It wasn't dramatic or noticeable for anyone else, and most people would probably think nothing of it. However, to me it was as momentous as if he'd held up a big sign, sharing the feelings in his heart. 

   

3 What quality of your most recent partner are/were you most attracted to? 

    curiosity, about countless topics and things and scenarios. He was creative and interested and willing to ask questions. 

 

4 Would you rather stay in or go out for a date? 

    I love to stay in, and choose it ahead of almost anything else. However, dates require some extra effort. If a couple can stay in and enjoy something more than the average day, then it's a date. If they do the same ol' stuff as ever, though, then it's not a date. Does this answer the question?  

 

5 Are there any habits you have that are negative for a romantic relationship? 

     I do. 

 

6 Do you feel able to respect a partner's opinion when it's different from yours? 

    that depends whether they are wrong or not. 

    To answer seriously: I can usually respect the partner, if not the opinion. This requires that the expression of the opinion be respectful, too—when it is discourse and not a tennis match using a flaming ball. 

7 Were you nervous during your most recent "first kiss"? 

     very nervous, though I need not have been concerned

 

[taken from here and adapted; the title quotation is by Charlotte Brontë, from Jane Eyre]

we have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down

1. If you could teach someone you know one life lesson, who would it be, and what would they learn? 

     I am not in a position to teach anyone anything, much less "life lessons". I'm still learning.

    Things I could teach: grilled cheese making, library categorization, tea kettle cleaning. 

 

2. If there were one road in life that you should have taken but didn't, what would it be? 

     if I'd settled on entering the History Ph.D. program rather than going to law school, my life would be vastly different, and maybe better. It's interesting to consider the possibility, anyway. It's not a "should have" but a "wouldn't it be cool to know how that would have turned out?"

 

3. If you could have a sudden surge of inspiration for one thing in your life, what would you want it to be for? 

     exercise. Maybe when my houseguest has returned to their home in a couple of days, and when the weather more consistently allows for being outdoors

 

4. If you were to name the most creative outlet that you have, what would it be? 

     writing for the blog, of course

 

5. If you were to name a situation when your heart and mind were truly at odds, when would it be? 

     when making the decision to become (and remain) involved with ... my last serious involvement

 

6. If you were to receive a prize for one aspect of your character, what would you want it to be for? 

     I would want it to be for pure intelligence or creativity, but it's far more likely to actually be for patience (sighhhh) or observation.

 

7. If you were to say when it is that you normally have the most self-confidence, when would it be? 

     when talking about neutrality in World War II, or estate planning or settlement, or when cooking for myself

 

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Kurt Vonnegut, from If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young]

what good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness

1. How would your pet describe you?

    I don't exactly have a pet, but if I did he would call me still, comfortable, affectionate, silly, and responsive.

 

2. Share a story... 

    I sometimes use the phrase "oh friend of friends". It comes from a Peanuts strip that I read somewhere way back and never quite let go. Snoopy's relationship with Woodstock is much more complex than it seems, and this strip literally leaves a lump in my throat every time.

3. What do you pack in your beach / hiking bag?

    water, sunscreen, lip balm with sunscreen, a protein bar, and a towel

 

4. How do you like to spend great weather weekends?

    two long walks, preferably one on an unusual route. A little more sleep than normal. Reading, watching a movie or two, maybe working a jigsaw puzzle. Cooking something more elaborate than typical fare, and prehaps baking if conditions allow.

 

5. Describe a time when the circumstances fell in your favor.

    when I wanted to move closer to home—a decade ago, already!—I managed to apply for a job, get an interview, and get hired, all during a vacation up here that was not planned for that purpose. I had to buy "interview clothes" (which ended up falling short of the very strict dress code of the company anyway) and get a haircut, but it was little price to pay to make that move possible. Overall it was a kismet experience.

 

6. Which summer sounds do you enjoy? 

    birds with unique calls, breeze through leaves, and (rare around here) ice cream trucks

 

7. It’s not really summer until...

    my neighbors disrupt every damned day with lawnmowers, leaf blowers, four-wheelers, wood chippers, chainsaws, weed-whackers, and every other engine-powered yard toy they can find

 

8. What music are you listening to these days? 

    whatever's on the radio or playing incidentally. I'm not in a seeking-out-music phase lately.

 

9. How much has changed since last summer? 

    most things have only changed by degrees. I'm a little more solitary, eating somewhat better (i.e. less badly), probably more mentally healthy, a little better off financially (subject to change without notice). I watch more movies, read more books, and take more consistent care of housework.

 

10. What are your favorite things to wear in summer? 

    more often than not I'm in shorts, a short-sleeved t-shirt, and athletic socks. I like skorts (good GOD, I never thought I'd use that phrase in my lifetime) and short-sleeved button-up shirts with sandals but really only wear that sort of thing for 'an event'. For that matter, my feet are no longer the darling showpieces that they used to be, now looking like the tools (for walking) that they are.

 

11. What do you miss about winter, when it's the middle of summer? 

    the quiet and pure beauty of a heavy snowfall.

    tucking into a blanket or three, especially for a long sleep.

    cooking and baking. 

    boots and sweaters and jackets with pockets.

    car seat heat. There's no warm-weather equivalent!

 

12. How would you spend summer vacation as an adult? 

    a whole summer off? I experienced that in 2022 and can't recommend it. Well, I guess if it was voluntary and not externally imposed it would be different. Financially if not practically. My surprise summer off was not wholly awful, and was not wasted, but it was a tight squeeze and nothing I want to go through again.

 

13. Describe your ideal get together/party.

    it's just me and one cat, sitting by the window and watching the squirrels

 

14. What makes you feel like part of your community? 

    I'm on the board of my homeowner's association, albeit by necessity and not by choice. It feels entirely like a forced march and I loathe everything about it (except one or two of the other directors). My tour of duty ends in December, 2027, and I will serve not one moment longer. 

    Apart from that, or maybe because of it, I feel part of this place when my neighbors wave as I drive in or out, or when I go by on my way to my campus walk-route. After almost four years they have finally sort of started to recognize me. To be fair most of my neighbors are rather elderly and maybe can't see to recognize anyone.

 

15. How was your July 2024?

    judging by the blog, I watched a boatload of movies and otherwise must have been pretty busy because I only posted a dozen times. 

 

[from here; the title quotation is by John Steinbeck, from Travels with Charley: In Search of America]

through glory and ecstasy we pass; Wind, sun, and earth remain, the birds sing still, When we are old, are old

1 If you could rid your family of one thing, what would it be? 

    squeamishness about frank talking. We are a polite and careful bunch, and try hard not to impose, so it can be tough to get down to brass tacks about stuff that matters but impinges on a comfort zone. That means that at tough times, we have to really force ourselves (and each other) to open up.

2 If you were to select the person you know who would be the most difficult to seduce, who would you name? 

    someone I used to date (and wouldn't mind seeing again), who's made it clear innumerable times and ways that he could not be less interested

 

3 If you could destroy one thing physically, what would it be, and how would you do it? 

    [that is a poorly-written question.]

    I would happily destroy the external sound system at the nearby university, so that their sports events would need to be analog (prehaps accomplished with cheer megaphones).          

    A combination of controlled explosives and an earth-mover ought to take care of that problem for good.

 

4 If you had to name the smartest person you have ever met, who would it be? 

    it's a tie. First, my thesis advisor—go ahead: ask him anything. He doesn't know everything about everything, but he does know something about it.

    Next, a high school boyfriend (Emerald Man)—he's the renaissance man, and still my go-to for easy answers to technical issues, and absolutely the best for "what do you think of this idea?" sorts of questions because he's not the slightest bit reluctant to give a realistic answer.

    Finally, a library colleague who worked in Reference, because he could find a specific needle in a needle stack, and loved the hunt for knowledge. Can you imagine why we had a lot in common?

 

5 If, in retrospect, you could have been nicer to one person in your life, who would it be? 

     Andrew (mentioned many times before, including here).

 

6 If you had to describe the moment in your life when you had to have the most courage, what would you say? 

    the day I separated from my marriage. 

 

7 If you could go back in time to undo one injury you inflicted on someone else, what would it be? 

    I deeply regret my behavior toward my prom date, though in the final accounting it probably came out a wash. We had some very good times together—he's an excellent, intelligent, confident debater—and steamed up windows from time to time, even after that prom drama.

 

[from If2: 500 New Questions for the game of life; the title quotation is by Rupert Brooke]

songs are as sad as the listener

1 If you were to identify the inner need that your worst habit fulfills, what would it be? 

    that's easy: it's fearing abandonment and so pushing away anyone who could be in a position to hurt me by leaving. That includes individuals, of course, but also friend groups, animals, activities, jobs, and hobbies. 

    This isn't unique to me; many studies (including this one) have explored the connection between one's attachment style in the past and present. Articles like this one look at what holds people back from success in love. Projects like this one, and innumerable therapy options, aim at achieving and maintaining 'attachment security'. 

    A more in-depth post on this specific subject is in the works.

 

2 If you could have avoided knowing about one thing during your life, what would it be, and why? 

    I'd have been happier not knowing the lengths that people can go to, to try and ease out of situations and relationships that they don't want to be in but are afraid or unwilling to leave directly. 

    Why? Identifying a pothole doesn't always make it easier to avoid. In the same way that it's possible to share too much bald truth in the pursuit of "honesty," it's also possible to hurt someone by trying too hard "to protect them from pain."

3 If one thing could happen right now that would most effectively boost your confidence, what would it be? 

    getting even the most slight handle on losing weight. It's not that I've so much to lose, or am so terribly much more unhealthy because of it. I'm just tired of thinking about it and working on it and talking about it with doctors. I want it to get out of my limelight.

4 If you could follow your heart right now and do one thing that you otherwise wouldn't be inclined to do, what would it be? 

    move, and leave no forwarding address except to a handful of people. Leave this money-pit and associated home-owning hassles to someone else, live in my car or rent a small space, and cut a bunch of dead-end energy wasting out of my life. Move to a place where it doesn't hurt to breathe the cold air, where evidence of failed relationships doesn't surround me at all times, occasionally popping up at the gas station or grocery store. Where it's easier to find good take-out, clothing to buy, or people who like books. Where a very rich person doesn't own huge swaths of property in town with an aim to turn it into a shrine to their own ego.

 

5 If you were to select the one characteristic of your zodiac sign that most fits your personality, what would it be? 

    my most notable negative trait: overly independent, which also reads as pushing people away, standoffishness, or being a snob

    my strongest positive trait: observant—see also thoughtful, considerate, or perceptive

 

6 If you were to name three people throughout your life that helped to complete you as a person, who would they be? 

     one academic version of an answer to this question: my English prof in undergrad (by believing in my ability to write—and for opening my eyes, however unwittingly, to mental sexual attraction), my thesis advisor (for showing me that there is a difference between being just a student and being a scholar), and my Constitutional Law professor (who was a pro at arguing well, and only liked students who could hold their own). All of those attributes, skills, predilections, and preferences shaped what I care about and who I am, every single day.

 

7 If you were to name the most comforting thing for you to hold in your hands, what would it be? 

    a cat 

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by Jonathan Safran Foer, from Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close]

look, I hate good-byes, too. But sometimes, we need them just to survive

Describe your ideal date night. 

    I truly loathe the phrase 'date night', though I've grudgingly come around to the idea of making a space for it in a busy schedule. 

    For me, though? The ideal? An early-ish dinner, fairly casual and probably ethnic (or less casual, and steak). A walk, maybe browse a bookstore. A movie, either at the theater or at home. Hot, buttery, salty popcorn. A few bites of exceptionally delicious ice cream. No phones, tablets, laptops, headphones, speakers, or notifications. Talk. Laughing. Hugs.

 

Have you ever accidentally Replied All to an email you shouldn’t have? 

    no, I have not. The financial institution was bad for this, and it made me a little paranoid about it. I reality-check any email I'm sending to be sure it's going to the right place.

    At the library, the contagious email problem was the failure to include attachments. My last boss was notorious for never attaching the meeting packet to the board of trustees. Embarrassing!

 

If your family had a reality show, what would it be called? 

    "PSP, LBL" (Polite, Shy People, Leading Boring Lives)

 

Is there a fantasy you’d like to come true? 

    true love

 

What do you consider your biggest strength as half of a couple? 

     sensitivity, generosity, words that are needed to hear.

    For that matter, my greatest weaknesses are sensitivity, giving, and saying things that are not needed to hear. 

    I believe that the strengths and weaknesses of each partner are reinforced, intensified, counterbalanced, and colored by those of the other partner (as well as innumerable outside influences). My value and detriment to a relationship were different when I was with a clinical psychologist than they were in my dalliance with a package-delivery courier or my liaison (loving these euphemisms) with a nightclub bouncer/infomercial producer. Sensitivity had different value, as did the nature of generosity, and certainly the appropriateness and type of things to be said (or left unsaid).

 

Is there a family secret you think you’re not supposed to know? 

    I only recently found out that a person to whom I was once related by marriage died by suicide. At the time, I had been told they'd had a heart attack. We'd not been terribly close during the marriage, though I was sad to hear that they'd died. I'm just confused as to the source and purpose of that deception, which now seems not only pointless but mean.

 

What was going through your mind the last time you were intimate with someone? 

    Cuckoo, cuckoo 

    Regretfully they tell us cuckoo, cuckoo 

    But firmly they compel us 

    To say, 'Goodbye', to you 

    So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night 

    I hate to go and leave this pretty sight 

    So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu 

    Adieu, adieu, to you...

    Figuratively speaking.

 

What would you do if you were invisible for a day? 

     trip a couple people—numerous times. Stick my finger in the dessert. Empty a wallet or two.

 

[from here, divided and adapted; the title quotation is by Rachel Caine, from Fall of Night]

abstain from murder, theft, fornication, perjury, blasphemy, and disrespect

1 Would you like to have a high-definition nude image of yourself in your physical prime? 

    absolutely

 

2 In what period since you were a teenager did you have the most personal growth and change? 

    the four years around the divorce. Physically, emotionally, practically, sexually, financially, socially, professionally....

    If you wanted to have another such period, what could you do to bring it about or otherwise shake up your life? 

    good question, since that span of time and change was hardly part of some master plan. I suppose I'd need to stick a fork in my primary social relationship, destroy my parents' faith, alienate a bunch of friends (or, to be fair, people I thought were my friends), take a new job, move house at least 3 times, spontaneously become involved with someone 8 years and a million miles from my emotional location, lose roughly 1/4 of my body weight, annihilate my financial security, and make a bunch of foolish, short term choices with long-term effects.

 

3 What are the most important things (excluding children) you've brought into the world that would not exist without you? 

    21+ years of this blog, a handful of other writing, and some old-style mix CDs

 

4 Would you commit perjury for a close friend? For example, might you testify that your best friend was driving carefully when he hit a pedestrian even though he actually was laughing at something on the radio and not paying attention? 

    yes, but not for something that blatantly dumb. Those for whom I can imagine doing such a thing are grown-ups who wouldn't fuck up that badly and expect someone else to pull their bacon out of the fire. 

    To be fair, there's really only one person for whom this could become realistic, and I've already lied for them a thousand times before. What's one more?

 

 [from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is by Bertrand Russell, and reads in its entirety as follows.]

If throughout your life you abstain from murder, theft, fornication, perjury, blasphemy, and disrespect toward your parents, church, and your king, you are conventionally held to deserve moral admiration even if you have never done a single kind, generous or useful action. This very inadequate notion of virtue is an outcome of taboo morality, and has done untold harm.