you put your time where your priority is

1. Under what circumstances would you say it's better to be safe than sorry? 

    keeping winter-weather gear in the car (it always snows earlier than expected), waiting an extra couple of minutes before biting into a battered chicken sandwich (always so much hotter than I think it's going to be), and triple-checking that I'm sending out the proper item from my eBay inventory. 

 

2. What's the last thing you do before you go to sleep at night? 

    put on hand lotion. I absolutely loathe the feeling of even slightly dry skin against the sheets.

 

3. What would happen if everyone on Earth jumped at the same time? 

    the world would implode. Not from the physical effects of the jumping but because more than two people agreed to any damned thing and followed through accordingly.

 

4. Do you know what every button on your TV remote control is for? 

    ha! Not even close. My TV remote includes a cursor that runs via scroll wheel. It is not intuitive for me, and I only ever touch it by accident. Whatever nonsense it's activated against my will then has to be cancelled. It's disruptive and annoying, and there is no way to disable it.

 

5. What's the most irksome challenge you deal with in daily life? 

     money.

 

6. Have you ever spoken up for someone else? What was it about? 

    heck yeah. It's happened a lot, and I would be reluctant to be friends with someone who hadn't done it, who couldn't point to a specific time when someone was important enough to do it.

    The last time was when I told Lord Farquaad that I will work on any project he wishes - but only on the condition that Blackbeard comes with. 

 

7. What was the last item you put in your basket on Amazon? 

    cough medicine. I've been sick since the end of October, progressing from strep to viral sinus infection to what now seems like either bronchitis or my first foray into Covid. 

 

 [from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Sebastian Faulks, from Engleby]

especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love—for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass

1 How would you describe love in 3 words? 

    don't...get...it... 

 

2 Would you rather have a spontaneous romantic gesture or a planned, elaborate one? 

    this has taken over the top spot in the most-asked and least-fun meme question category.

        • there is nothing more infuriating than being told that you need to be more spontaneous. "All righty then, I shall plan accordingly."

        • my last romantic relationship involved two of the former and maybe ten of the latter, over eight years. That renders this question the functional equivalent of asking whether I prefer the small bones or large bones in my skeleton—what fucking difference does that make?

        • planned romance need not be "elaborate"

 

3 How do you feel about discussing past relationships with a partner? 

    apart from a few broad strokes (former marriage, children, widowhood, etc.), it's courting disaster. Tell it to your therapist; don't lay it on someone who might not be able to forget the gory details. 

 

4 Do you believe in second chances? 

    I believe that they exist. Once or twice, I've been the recipient. More than once, I've been the giver. Generally, that's been a mistake. 

    Things end for a reason. And if they don't end cleanly, the reason for the first 'ending' turns to poison later on.

 

5 What do you think is the biggest challenge you've faced when part of a couple?

    faithlessness. Not always cheating, though, but more in the sense of giving up. Failure/unwillingness/refusal/inability to commit. Saying one thing, doing another. Advertising more than one ultimately sells. 

 

6 Would you rather have a partner who makes okay money and is often home, or makes great money but is often away working? 

    ugh.

    How about a decent job, making decent money, and being around sometimes? I'm not so mercenary that finding someone making "great money" is a goal, but I'm also not seeking someone to be around all the time, either. My kingdom for an interesting person who is also interested.

 

7 How do you feel when you don't see your partner for a few days? 

    that depends entirely upon the partner in question. I've been in relationships that were made better by proximity and frequency of time together, while others were driven more by separation creating and maintaining interest.  

 

[taken from here and adapted; the title quotation is by Max Ehrmann, from Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life]

she was one of those languid women made of dark honey, smooth and sweet and terribly sticky

1 How many gummy bears can you fit into your mouth? 

    not as many as one might think. My mouth is surprisingly small, even having had four extra permanent teeth (as well as the wisdom set) removed in order to make the rest fit. That lower volume also means that my gag reflex is heightened, as all the structures are closer together. (TMI, anyone?) It also means that I avoid stuffing more food than I can comfortably accommodate into my mouth. 

 

2 You've turned into the main character in the last TV show you watched. Who are you? 

    Parker, from Leverage: Redemption (2021- ). She is played by Beth Riesgraf. Extremely fit and full of energy, drop-dead gorgeous, very funny and seemingly unselfconscious, creative and thoughtful and affectionate... I would LOVE to be Parker! 

3 How many gadgets do you have at home that beep at you? 

    not many, and not for long if I can avoid it! The microwave (because it's old and there is no soundless option), the dehumidifier (asking to be emptied), and the smoke/CO2 detector. I absolutely loathe anything blinking, flashing, glowing, or God forbid fucking beeping. 

    Ironically, as I write this the trash pickup service is outside, backing toward my driveway, raising the dead with its reverse alert beeps. Gaaaaah 

 

4 What's the craziest thing you've thrown across a room in a temper? 

    I've only ever thrown two things: shoes (at Nick, who had earned a few metaphorical bruises), and my engagement ring in its box (at H, who had just told me he was standing me up on one of his few visits during the year we were engaged, in order to have dinner and go to a high school play with his former girlfriend). None of the throwing was intended to physically injure anyone, and in fact never hit a human target. The latter seemed laden with meaning, though the reflex to chuck something at him was satisfied by the nearest chuckable thing to hand and just happened to be the most "significant" item imaginable.

 

5 In a twenty-first-century update, what items might your true love receive over the twelve days of Christmas? 

    • First: one plant-based protein meal, prepackaged and delivered to your door

    • Second: two road construction re-routes that do not appear in GPS navigation

    • Third: three urgent software updates 

    • Fourth: four traffic circles

    • Fifth: five cannabis dispensaries

    • Sixth: six miracle skin treatments

    • Seventh: seven political arguments

    • Eighth: eight unique streaming services

    • Ninth: nine new emojis

    • Tenth: ten remade superhero movies exactly like all the rest of the superhero movies ever made

    • Eleventh: eleven inexplicable slang terms

    • Twelfth: twelve-character passwords 

 

6 Which one of your friends would you not trust as your house sitter or pet-sitter, and why? 

    the list of people I would trust as my house-sitter is SO short! My brother, my walking buddy, and my parents (but only under certain circumstances). Why?

    My brother would get in, do whatever was needed, and get out. He wouldn't even glance at anything that wasn't on his agenda. He's too damned busy, and also highly motivated against borrowing trouble.

    My walking buddy is absolutely trustworthy. She would take it all in, and would probably comment on something that she noticed that was different from her last visit, but definitely would not dig.

    My parents would do everything necessary ... and then some. I would absolutely come home to a fridge stocked with fruits and maybe vegetables and possibly dairy. It's highly likely that something that hadn't been in top condition would be repaired, cleaned, or replaced. 

    Everyone else I might even think of would create some questions in my mind. They might be snoopy, they might be prone to pranks, or they might be flaky enough to be unreliable. (Also, there are others I would trust completely, but are nowhere near enough to make it realistic.) 

 

7 What was the last thing to make your fingers sticky? 

    ugh, I do hate being sticky.

    I think it was a jar of jelly that seems to ooze a slight film of viscous goo upon itself and everything in its realm, despite having been cleaned numerous times. 

 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Patrick Süskind, from Perfume: The Story of a Murderer]

the green garden, moonlit pool, lemons, lovers, and fish are all dissolved in the opal sky

1 What have you done recently that you should have done a long time ago? 

   started doing more—prehaps even the majority of—grocery shopping at a locally-owned store (M's) in a small town near here. After several years ordering delivery from the larger regional store (HV) , I'm heartily tired of poor substitutions, higher prices, time-consuming communication from the shoppers who aren't well-enough trained to trust their own decisions, awful produce, and torn bags. I still do a large order from HV maybe once a month, but it's much smaller and less often than before. 

    M's has an incredibly clean and well-lit store, pristine produce, fresh meat that does not languish on the shelves, a decent selection for a small building, excellent sale prices, and a smooth, efficient checkout system. Plus, they will carry one's groceries and load into the car! And I always feel best when supporting local business.

 

2 When was the last time you screamed out loud, and why? 

    the weekend with the cat from Hell. 

    My massage therapist had planned a destination wedding. She and her now-spouse have four cats. We'd chatted about them before, and I'd heard that one of them bullies the other three. When they finalized their wedding trip they decided to try having someone cat-sit for the bully so that the other three would be safe. She asked me to do it ... during a massage. I was far too melty and relaxed to say No. I should have realized.

    Cats love me, right? And I love them. How bad could it possibly be?

    It was worse. She was extremely uncomfortable from the moment they arrived to drop her off. She meowed, howled, and bawled nonstop, in a uniquely piercing tone and volume. She scratched, clawed, and bit anything she could get at: furniture, carpeting, fixtures, cords. She was also as close to suicidal as any cat

I've heard about—chewing cords, stuffing herself through the rails on the banister to leap/fall down the stairs, climbing the furniture to jump/splat to the floor. It didn't take long before I realized I could not leave her alone at all, for fear that she would destroy my home or herself. I had to take her into the bathroom with me (and close the door). When I tried to sleep, I had to close us into the bedroom together. Before long, I realized that I had to crate her in order to actually sleep, because she roamed about like a path of destruction, pawing and clawing at everything, yowling. 

    She is a beautiful cat, sleek and smooth. When she is in good-kitty mode (roughly 3% of the time) she is gorgeous, soft to the touch, and has a delicate purr. Most of the time, though, she just looks like an overweight (16# on a small frame) glob of horrific menace.

    And, yeah, in the middle of the last night that she was here, I screamed (in frustration, not directly "at her") and cried my eyes out, having gone without sleep for ~33 hours already). Through a very complicated string of events, I found someone else to care for her and VERY gladly gave her back after a dreadfully long visit. Never again!! 

3 What's your all-time favorite dip? 

    pico de gallo. Is that a dip? Love it with fresh, hot tortilla chips, or on baked chicken, or scooped onto a toasted heel of French bread.  

    If it's not a dip, then I would pick sour cream & onion. Not very chic but a throwback to my childhood as it was a staple of "family parties". The only appropriate accompaniment is very salty ripple (not ridged) potato chips (see below for the difference) and a lot of Coke.

 

4 What have you argued for in the past that really doesn't matter to you anymore? 

    my past is a long string of arguments serving no good purpose.

5 What's the most ridiculous way you've managed to injure yourself? 

    got up in the middle of the night to feed the temporary roommate—in the basement bedroom. Didn't
bother turning on the light.   Lost my bearings, veered left, and rammed my right foot into a heavy wooden stool. I heard a faint "Pop" just before a screaming pain shot into my toes, foot, lower leg.... Careful not to step on roomie, I struggled to turn on the light, scooped out some food, and hobbled back upstairs. Turned on my bedside lamp and folded myself in half to look at it up close.

    It wasn't broken in any revolving way, but clearly snapped. I buddy-taped him to his neighbor, pulled on socks, and went back to sleep. 

    It's been a week or so. Still swollen, but less so. Still bruised, but faded to yellow. Still sore, but only when there's pressure from above (like under a blanket). Taping only when leaving the house. 

    Ridiculous.  

6 What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? 

    a Teams chat with some colleagues. I have ~8 of them going at once (though not active at the same time, thank goodness). The most involved one is just with Blackbeard, and is mostly about personal stuff but is sometimes a shortcut to getting work help. We are very casual about punctuation, spelling, etc., and use emojis heavily. One is only with my boss and is usually work related but sometimes gets pretty funny. He is a super-dry dude who appreciates a good meme. Another is solely with the TL from the

current project. He requires complete sentences, correct spelling, punctuation—and our content is evenly mixed between work, cats, and other peoples' grammatical errors. The others are with some combination of more extended colleagues, less voluminous (on a good day!), and much more general. I try not to engage too much in those because my sense of humor can be hard to read, especially via text. 

    One of those group chats relates to a sub-project within the ongoing gig. It was an especially detailed, boring, important, time-crunched task. The day we finished it was a mini-explosion of hilarious memes, emoji combos, and hilarious chat. I laughed a lot that day.

7 Other than lemonade, what's the best thing you can make with lemons? 

    John's Lemon Cake, of which the linked version is a reasonable variation on my family's recipe. It is a dense, intensely flavorful, rich cake with a unique texture. It is a family favorite and a big treat. 

[from 3000 Unique Questions about Me; the title quotation is by Virginia Woolf, from The String Quartet]

you’ll just stand there, and people will love you

1. What’s the best birthday party you’ve ever had? 

    a couple of years ago, maybe during COVID? It was just me and then-bf. He gave me an outstanding card (listing on the inside some of the many things he loves about me) and a personal gift that made me cry. We watched a movie, played a board game, he grilled out, and I felt especially, particularly, fantastically loved.

 

2. Where is your favorite place you’ve ever visited? 

    besides those I've mentioned a dozen times already . . . there's a weird little town (population 3400) about 40 minutes away. College BFF's mom was born nearby. We go there periodically, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. There is a terrific furniture store—with furniture way out of my price range—that also sells 'decor' pieces that are sometimes surprisingly affordable. It's usually holiday-themed stuff, generally Easter or Christmas, but sometimes with an animal theme that suits. I've gotten some of my favorite little treasures there. (I'd love to actually buy furniture there someday, too.)

    We usually go to one or two other shops in town. One used to be primarily household stuff but has transitioned to 90% clothing that suits neither of us, but with the occasional awesome other thing that feels like a rare find. There's also what I would call a five-and-dime store. A lot, maybe the majority, of what they sell is crap (weird and often useless items at low prices), but they also have some rare finds that are well worth both the drive and the cost. 

    The funny thing about this little town is that it sometimes appears almost uninhabited, and has the feel of a ghost town. I don't think we've ever eaten there except to grab a cone at the DQ or maybe coffee at the chain store. There is a convenience store of the ubiquitous local brand, but more than once I've been there at a 'normal' time of day and they're closed. We usually eat in one of a handful of nearby towns and then "walk it off" in the shops.

 

3. How do you like to spend your free time? 

    besides the ways I've written about before . . . the all-online-selling edition:

        •  maintain the eBay database, updating and improving listings and reality-checking pricing to remain competitive

        •  go through the closet housing [reusable] packing-materials to sort and organize, streamline, and recycle/discard as needed

        •  pick a closet or drawer or shelf, seeking out items to sell in the future. There is currently a section in a storage area, fairly well organized, of stuff to list. Once it's generally nicer weather (and my temporary roommate has returned home) I will start pulling things out, taking pictures and making notes, and adding them to the thousand-plus in my "store."

 

4. What is the cutest animal you’ve ever seen in person? 

    I do love a good meerkat 

 

5. What’s one of your favorite bands? 

    FM

 

6. What's one of the first concerts you ever went to? 

    I saw the Nylons at the smallish (5000-seat) venue to the southeast while in high school, with a friend from the grocery store. Though I'd heard of them, I was not very familiar before the event. Had a great time and got really into a capella/show music for a while, particularly with a boyfriend from that era who featured prominently in his high school's show choir. (He was also an actor, starring as Conrad in a quality amateur performance run of Bye Bye Birdie.) A few of those Nylons songs still run through my head from time to time.

 

7. How would you describe your style? 

    reluctantly

11. What’s the stupidest movie or TV show you’ve ever seen? 

    there are 49 titles that I've rated with 1 star in my IMDB. That's all the play I'm willing to give to things I did not enjoy.

    (A post about that rating situation is upcoming, by the way.) 

 

13. What are your biggest pet peeves? 

    at the moment:     

        • overuse of the word 'piece' in corporate settings, as if projects or business can be separated into "pieces"

        • Hold music. In the ideal world, it would be optional, not mandatory, and if one is happier without it then it wouldn't need to intensify the discomfort of the Hold experience

        • hardwood floors. They're hard to care for, uncomfortable to walk on, and revealing of flaws in construction and design.

        • people misspelling others' names for no good reason, such as in the response to an email showing the name spelled correctly. My last boss at the financial place did this, and was even known to say "whatever" or "close enough" about it. Disregard for a person's identity is arrogant and callous. There is actually a difference between Anne/Ann, Sean/Shawn, Bob/Rob...

        • pointless communication. I just received a letter (US Mail) from the prescriptions wing of my medical insurance company, encouraging me to take advantage of their counseling option—solely in order to remember to take the migraine shot, and to take it correctly. I've been taking this stuff for about 4 years, so if I can't handle the above, it would have failed already. Also, I am a functional adult with insurance through my employer, so why would this even need to be sent something like this? It's a waste of time and energy and postage.

        • crust slices that are too thin to toast, instead just curling and burning

        • shoelaces that will not stay tied. They have only one job!

 

14. Are you more into brains or looks? 

    I prefer that people have both.

 

[from here; the title quotation is from Bye Bye Birdie]

soon silence will have passed into legend. Man has turned his back on silence

1 How many credit cards do you have? How often do you use them? 

     I have 6 credit cards, all major, and one store card that's in the process of closing. I use one card for nearly everything because it earns such great (cash) rewards, and another as the main back-up in case the first is being balky. Two of the others have such a stupidly high interest rate that I keep them only for their value to my credit score; I use them each once or twice a year just to maintain the accounts. And one of them—which happens to be the card from my former employer—has extremely frustrating and stupid "anti-fraud" policies that render the card pointless; it's impossible to use it outside some fuzzy, undefined geographic area without first gaining permission from the bank. Since I really don't think to pre-approve my travel plans with them prior to heading out, I could just as well cut up the card. (However, for the same reason as the others, I make a charge or two a year to keep the credit alive.)

 

2 How often do you leisurely eat a meal with friends? 

     I go out with my walking buddy once every week or two. We lost our indoor walking space when the local "mall" was acquired by a school (yet another baffling development in a town that's increasingly heedless and weird), so we have to wait a few more months before we can go walking again. We seem to have settled into about a 10-day cycle, which is fulfilling and low-pressure, for two people who need both of those. So far we've been to a Chinese place a couple of times, and two of the hometown pizza options.

    My closest friend from the financial place is a big Mexican food fan. When our schedules allow, we meet for lunch every month or so, alternating between her favorite and my favorite restaurant. Her job is cyclical, though, and there are a couple times of year that are simply impossible to plan even for a 90-minute lunch. When we can make it happen, it is inevitably a high point of my week. We eat (duh), talk, laugh a lot, commiserate on the job situations (particularly hers, which is stressful and frustrating), gossip about current and former coworkers, and catch up on family life. We were good colleagues when we worked together, and have transitioned that to being closer friends since.

    I used to go to dinner "once a quarter" with the woman whose family bought my former house. We also worked together (albeit at more of a distance) at the financial place. However, I realized I was doing all the work to suggest, plan, organize, remind, and then prod again, to make those events happen. She worked in an office and has a couple of kids, and told me that her life is "busier and more crazy" than mine. I also realized that the relationship, generally, was not reciprocal, when literally one day after we met for dinner, she announced a huge job change—and I found out because someone knew we'd had dinner together the night before, and wanted to commend me on not spilling the secret. Ha! Easy enough not to share secrets never heard before.

 

3 What sound drives you crazy? 

     boots walking on very cold snow. It makes a squeak that is somewhat like the squeak of styrofoam (well, any "closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam") but somehow exponentially worse. By the end of the winter it's enough to make my teeth ache.

 

4 What sound lulls you to sleep? 

    green noise or brown noise. White noise hits me wrong and makes me more alert.

    As an aside, the word 'noise' starts to seem strange when typed several times in a row. 

     

5 How often do you read the newspaper? Which sections do you turn to first? 

     I don't ever read a paid one, unless I'm VERY bored and someone else has acquired one. In that case, I will start with Sports. 

    For a while after I moved from the Flat, I continued my subscription to the big (north side) city paper. I would get it a day or two after publication. It was interesting, but eventually it made me feel more homesick than comforted. There's no sense in seeking that out. 

    There's a free local paper here, one that publishes twice each week. I tend to accumulate them and then flip through a stack of six or so at a time. In that one I work front to back, and only scan for familiar names or big local scandals.

 

6 In one sentence, how would you describe your oldest friend? 

     Jennifer is undemonstrative, loving, funny, loyal, complicated, and more beautiful now than she was as a beautiful child.

 

7 What items do you currently have stored in the trunk of your car? 

     my "cold bag" (a fairly shoddy attempt at the things I'd need to survive in the cold if my car can't get me someplace warmer), a collapsible crate (to hold groceries upright, etc., which is incredibly handy and used all the time), and cords & cables (bungee, jumper)

 

 [from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is by Jean Arp, from Arp on Arp: poems, essays, memories]

why is the entire world geared to make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway

1 What is love? 

    I'm tempted to snip in lines of poetry or book quotes or song lyrics, but this is supposed to be about me, right?  

    Love is the feeling that someone else is important, and increasingly so. 

    It is a joy that exceeds its boundaries, imbuing other parts of life with color and light.

    Laughing for no reason.

    Waking up early, staying up late, and not pulled down by sleepiness in between.

    Love is a layer of silliness on the mundane.

    It is feeling more kindly toward others, whether or not they seem to deserve it. 

    Breathing more easily.

    Dreaming better dreams.

 

2 What role does compromise play in a good relationship? 

    all of life is negotiation and compromise. There is no way to fully know or understand other people. The best we can do is to try, and that works out by listening to what they say, observing the things they don't seem able or willing to say, and of all things to observe their behavior. Actions do reveal a person's unspoken preferences. It can be easy to fake words, but it's far more difficult to realistically convey actions.

    A smart person (whose own relationship has persisted for 60+ years) once gave me great advice. He told me that, if I were to marry, I should expect that the work of marriage would not be a 50/50 proposition—rather, I ought to plan to do 90% of the work. Listening, helping, preparing, taking first steps, apologizing, caring, loving, and compromising. It seemed like strange and unfair advice, until I discovered the brilliance: he'd said the same thing to my fiancee. If we each went into it planning to do most of the work, then we'd be doing better than most.

 

3 How do you handle financial disagreements? 

    when I was married, we pooled everything. Nothing was kept separate or held back. It made for some complex moments, like trying to get a bigger gift for someone who's seeing all the account statements—or trying to pretend a gift is a surprise when you balanced the checkbook that month. We decided at the beginning that we had to be open about it, though, and so we were. It helps (?) that we didn't have much to begin with. Neither of us came into the marriage with a lot. I was working 2 jobs and he had 3, in addition to both being full-time students. Our parents were able to help us out here and there but neither family was footing the bill for us. If we had car trouble, we skimped somewhere else to afford repairs. If we were low on grocery money, we ate mac and cheese, ramen, cereal, or hot dogs. 

    Since then, I've been in relationships where I was earning far more than my partner, around the same, and most recently, far less. None of these has been a marriage, though, so "financial disagreements" have a really different tone.

    • "We can't go there or do that because I can't pay for it, and I won't let you pay."

    • "You might want to spend your money on that, but I don't; that's not how I prioritize what I have."

    • "I make more than you, so you should always let me pay." 

    • "I make less than you, so you should always pay."

None of these is particularly productive, but it's the same for innumerable arguments. Is it about money, or power? Is it about practicality, or emotion? Is it accommodation, or manipulation? I think that more often than not, financial disagreements are simply an alternate venue for the relationship's main argument to play out.

 

4 What are some creative ways to express love? 

    buying flowers. The classics are classic for a reason.

    a well-chosen card. It's not a cop-out if it has a message meaningful to you.

    a meal, or a dish, prepared to their taste.

    sharing a previously-unseen photograph of oneself.

    complete a task, and the more distasteful or particularly disliked, the better.

    a handwritten letter. Words are worth a lot, as is the effort to convey them.

    silliness. Tell funny stories about oneself, play a childhood game, or indulge in lighthearted banter.

    cuddling for no other purpose than being close to someone who wants to be close to you.

 

5 How has your concept of love changed over the years? 

    when I was young, I thought that love was "the pinnacle of feelings," a destination toward which all relationships were focused. I thought it was impossible to define and muzzy to understand but had a sort of you'll-know-when-you're-there sureness. It's impossible to deny someone's feelings, right?

    I think that love is the fuel. Lust is (often, not always) the spark. Sometimes that's purely physical, sometimes it's emotional, and sometimes—the best times, for me—it's mental, intellectual, linguistic. It's a peek behind the veil, a clue that you two vibrate at the same frequency, operate at the same or at least a harmonious intensity. But that's only where it starts.

     Love, what keeps it going, is constantly having or finding or making new material to burn. This is an imperfect analogy, so don't focus too much on the burning or consumption and instead on the production aspect. Good stuff is created when fire happens: heat, light, energy. All that requires a source of raw material. The spark can't keep it alive forever. 

    Friendship. Common interests. Independent interests, shared. Admiration. Willingness and desire to meet and know and support the people they have yet to become (because the person you meet at 25 changes, fundamentally, by the time they're 35, and 50, and 75, and 90. Not just on a cellular level but in appearance, emotion, sexuality, priority, and infinite other ways). Constructive argument and reconciliation as a form of renewal. Celebration. Loss, injury, illness, grief. Stupid decisions and triumphs. Separation and convergence. Appreciation. Leaning and sustaining. It's what you do.

 

6 How often do you discuss your feelings with your partner? 

    my most recent partner is not a "talk about your feelings" kind of person. Quite the opposite.

    The last partner I had with whom I could do that was Nick. Weird to think of him in a good way, y'know? But he really was easy to talk to, and operated on a level where he was concerned about deep thoughts and feelings. In fact, he was probably more of an emotion-sharer than I was.

    We spent many nights—together, indoors, outdoors, on the phone—in the dark, pouring out whatever was seeping through us. Some of it was good, productive talk, where we were finally able to put into words things that really needed to be said, that were weighing on us. Some of it was awful, melodramatic or manipulative or childish. Overall, though, it was one of the most open and direct relationships of my life, and I miss having that kind of openness and freedom with a partner.

 

7 How is love portrayed in media versus real life? 

    Clean. Tidy. Meet-cute moments and blind dates that actually work.

    Resulting in marriage with surprising and unrealistic frequency.

    Easy to deal with, or easily-enough handled in a (hilariously easy to get and prompt) session with a therapist.

    It's often portrayed as On or Off, where a date that doesn't work is so patently obvious that any bystander can tell, or a date that's a good match practically gives off its own light. What about a bad date with a good guy, a good date with a creep who covers it well, or a lousy venue that sucks the life out of everyone rather than fostering connection?

    Our media focuses everything about love toward women and girls, making it stilted and stereotyped, and excluding boys and men from what is a place to learn some things.

    It makes normal some things that are really wrong, like subtle bias, obsession, or manipulation.

    Overall, it is unrealistic and unattainable.

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Helen Fielding, from Bridget Jones’s Diary]

I wore black because I liked it; I still do, and wearing it still means something to me

Some things I’ve let go of, as I’ve grown older: 

    a LOT of clothes that don't quite fit now but may be just right 'someday'; shopping for boredom-relief or dopamine surge or company; pea pods (I want to like them but I. just. don't.); pretending to believe that mean-spirited "jokes" are funny; "saving" cards and letters (except a few particularly special ones); sending a lot of Christmas cards well before Christmas (it's more like, responding to the ones I've received and sending or giving a handful of others)

 

Things I’m most likely to lie about: 

    • being "fine"

    • whether I currently have a migraine

    • that I'm not afraid

 

What’s something I wish I had more time to learn: 

    how to use a different blog-hosting site. No offense to the one I've been using for 21 years, but there are soooooo many limits here, and of course there's the offensively ubiquitous company that owns the platform, and the 'upgrades' that are actually institutionalized bugs (I'm looking at you, photo placement).... I've tried to teach myself to use a different one; the learning curve was prohibitive, especially after having ingrained dumb habits from this one. Maybe when I retire?

 

If I could only wear only three colors, I’d pick these: 

    • blue

    • white

    • black

    Oh, wait—you mean I haven't been limited this way all along??

    Note: I was going to illustrate this with an image of a female dressing in the style of Johnny Cash. Instead, the first photo I found was of Johnny Cash, cuddling a kitten (who looks like she's squawking!). That's monumentally cuter and more fascinating than any other picture on the planet.

    Anyway, you get the idea.

 

Favorite books, music, TV, movies, and anything else notable this month: 

    Reading: The Battle for Spain (Antony Beever), an extremely long history of the Spanish Civil War; Nathan Coulter (Wendell Berry), the first in the 'Port William' series of quiet novels; Love is a Mix Tape (Rob Sheffield), a re-read of Sheffield's biography during the time surrounding his (first) marriage

    Music: I haven't been in a music mode, so whatever's on or rolls up in Apple Music is fine

    Movies: Absence of Malice, The Big Blue, Four Faces West, The Keys of the Kingdom (all rated 9)

    other: I've been into homemade pizza and crock-pot meals; the struggle to find a really good peanut butter cookie recipe; jigsaw puzzles when circumstances allow; and winter "nesting" e.g. cleaning, organizing the condo, purging unneeded stuff from the house (see Letting Go, above)

 

Social media trends that puzzle me:

    IG accounts that are populated with pictures or video of the smirking host pointing at something else, maybe at a split-screen of someone else's post, or a quote, or even just bizarrely manicured hands accomplishing some task that would not require such fancy hands or merit a video anyway. Whomever came up with "unboxing" ought to be subjected to cardboard cuts that will never heal. 

    The phrase "today years old." The Atlantic published an article ("The Case for Brain Rot") about the mind-numbing and "irresistible" internet vernacular that's destroying the world. That last bit may be my interpretation. It is an instructive and disturbing article about a distressing and alienating trend. People think that as we age, we become less savvy, and it's often perceived to be caused by declining ability: tech becomes impossible to understand, finances are overly complex, don't-get-me-started-about medical insurance and healthcare. Prehaps that occurs more by design, with the [naturally younger] creators and administrators of such institutions intentionally obfuscating in an effort to retain their territory. If I make this new social media outlet bewildering to the oldsters, then I am young!

    Finally, "collabs". Why would I care to see an "influencer" using a particular toilet bowl cleaner? Why would anyone want to know which meal-in-a-box is consumed by a sports figure? Why are fancy, expensive socks being shilled by an analyst of music?

 

Local phrases and terms I use often: hotdish; The Cities; "Yeah, no" or "Naaah, yeah"

[from here, Stolen from League of Extraordinary Penpals; the title quotation is from Johnny Cash, and reads more fully as below]

I wore black because I liked it. I still do, and wearing it still means something to me. It's still my symbol of rebellion—against a stagnant status quo, against our hypocritical houses of God, against people whose minds are closed to others' ideas.

is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness?

1. If the car you were buying for your teenager offered an option to continuously monitor the vehicle's status and location so that you could see where he was and how he was driving, would you? Would you agree to have such a feature on your own car? 

    gosh, continuous monitoring of vehicle use—what a radical idea. This sort of thing happens all the time, though not generally for public consumption. There's all sorts of government monitoring systems (e.g. for people under conditional release from incarceration), insurance applications (e.g. for people who agree to them to get reduced rates), and vehicle companies (ostensibly for "protection" of the vehicle occupants but, in practical reality, they're gathering data for usage and sales). 

    I would not agree to it, even for lower insurance rates or any other seemingly good result. Where I go, how I drive, and any other data that could be retrieved is my own business and not for sale.

2. If you lost your own purse or wallet, do you think there is much of a chance that someone would return it to you? 

    that would depend where it was misplaced, wouldn't it? If I left it in a busy bar or restaurant, I would not expect to get it back intact, if at all. If I left it at my local library's circulation desk, they'd probably deliver it to my house before I even got back there myself. 

    I don't often carry a purse anyway, and my purses are so small that I don't lug around much stuff when I do. Wallet, keys, lip balm. Most of the time, my phone is in my pocket rather than the purse. It's also an unusual enough situation that I am, if anything, hyper-aware of the purse itself and loath to set it down at all. 

3. If you won a housekeeping robot that could do every household task from picking up your clothes to shopping for food and cooking dinner, what would you still want to do yourself? 

    I would futz with my houseplants now and then, though I would for sure leave the task of repotting to the robot.

    I would cook or bake sometimes. Well, rarely. I do like to cook and might do it more often if it weren't a pain to clean up. My dishwasher is not worth the bother, so I hand-wash all my dishes. That cuts the motivation to cook in half, or less. 

    Everything else, the robot is welcome to, particularly windows and the bathtub.

4. Would it be murder to obliterate the memory of a conscious computer? What if it were fully backed up? 

    Computer consciousness is not the same as human (or animal) consciousness. Sentience is one of those rare concepts that I think is easy to understand but hard to define; we just know when something is alive, has consciousness, is sentient. 

    In my opinion, based entirely on feelings and the little that I know of the science, is that the "memory" of a computer does not equate in any way to the "mind" or "soul" of a person. Erasing or "obliterating" it is not murder. The concept that it can be "fully backed up" only reinforces that perception—there is no equivalent for animal consciousness.

5. If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, whom would you question and what would you ask? 

    • I would ask a professional movie reviewer for their top 100 (or whatever seemed right) movies, ever. I would probably skew this question toward comedies, since that genre is the hardest for me to connect with.

    • I would ask the same of a contemporary director, e.g. Tarantino or Soderbergh. I would push this toward action or independent films, or maybe those with the best cinematography, since that's the sort of film I gravitate to the most.

    • I would ask my college roommate for her Butterfinger Torte recipe, which she's refused to give. (For what it's worth, the pictured and linked recipe is from the official Butterfinger site, but is nowhere near the version that she used to make.)

6. Do you strive more for security, accomplishment, success, love, power, or excitement? 

    of those, I strive most for security—but would argue that the word is harder to define than it is to achieve. It can cover everything from door locks to finances to personal relationships and beyond. I picked that one because I believe that accomplishment is fleeting, success is illusory, love is a murky pit filled with electric eels armed with throwing stars, power is all in your head, and excitement isn't necessarily a good thing. 

    The sort of security that I'd like: enough money coming in to have some set by for emergencies. Better door locks. Screens that perfectly fit the windows. Somebody I can trust to be there when I need them. Stairway handrails that won't fall off the wall. Motion-sensor lights that function properly (meaning, not turning on when a leaf blows by, and but sensitive enough to startle someone walking around in the dark). Strong insurance that will pay for a variety of health issues plus dental (because dental care is never, ever cheap, is getting more expensive every minute, and seems unending) and vision (because age brings increased need for maintaining good eye care). A vehicle that doesn't require a lot of maintenance (because I drive so little). 

    This list could go on for days. 

7. While running on an icy sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house, you slip and break your leg. Would you sue your neighbor if you stood to make a lot of money? 

    well, yeah, but not because it would be a money-maker. I would do it because that's the practical reality of personal injury in someone else's space, which could have been prevented or mitigated in some way by that property owner making an attempt to preclude it. My insurance wouldn't pay, and they would expect the owner to pay, and the owner would refuse (as would their insurance company)—and a lawsuit would make it happen.

    Anyway, I would hardly be in it to make a lot of money, just to recover from the injury and get back to normal.

 

[from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Half of a Yellow Sun]