what you are will show in what you do

May 9: histrionic
If your attention fades from the girl for too long, she'll unconsciously do something so histrionic that you will not fail to focus on her once again.

Another in the continuing series of Interviews from my good friend BGM over at Sledding with Rosebud.

1. In relationships, do you tend to take on the role of teacher (introducing the other person to your passions and hobbies) or the role of student (soaking in the unique knowledge of the other person)?
   Yes! Let me explain. There is a Buddhist proverb to which I related instantly: "When the student is ready, the Master appears." There have been times in my life, in certain relationships, where I was very clearly "the master." The teacher. I think there is a sort of allure to that position, a sense of power, or security at least. There have been other times where I've clearly been in the presence of someone who is there to teach me something, whether by design or accident. And so I become the student, or at least accept the part. One time, as an adult, I met someone who was very obviously intending to "master" me, and failed. And I've twice met someone - in a romantic relationship, I mean - in which one of us was, with no element of choice, definitely 'the master' and the other as surely 'the student.' Both were profound, intense, fantastic, surprisingly funny, unforgettable relationships. Both burned out, spectacularly and painfully.
   I think that there is an unspoken question here: while this is what I've had, is this also what I want? The answer to that: an unequivocal Yes.
2. If there really were a blue pill and a red pill, one that sent you back to your life and the other that sent you down the rabbit hole to the unknown and possible awakening, which might you choose?
   back. Always back. I talk a good game about adventure and living on faith and going for it, but when the knife's to my throat, there is no question about what I treasure.
3. I know that books have had a profound effect on you, but is there a single movie that had a profound effect on you? Did it change your perspective or reinforce it?
   Just one single movie? That's like asking if there's just one single book - and you know how difficult it is to stick to that! How about...three?
   
   • The Professional (Léon). Until I saw it, I didn't think I liked "scary" or violent movies. Now I know that violence is just another part of the process. I also know that I LOVE Jean Reno with a bizarre obsession; I've only seen six of his movies, but I've probably watched them at least a hundred times. And Natalie Portman goes without saying. And Gary Oldman. Wow. I've got to get that DVD back...
   • Trust. It was the first Hal Hartley film that I saw--on a "free IFC weekend"--and it completely blew me away. Who makes movies like that? Who are these actors, dancing brilliantly through this deadpan script? Why can't I seem to get this film, which I've only seen on a crappy TV or on VHS (the DVD rights are still tied up in a distribution dispute) out of my mind?
     I respect and admire you.
     Is that love?
     No, that's respect and admiration.
   • Top Secret! Enormously stupid, filled with the sort of jokes that I would rather die (painfully!) than hear in front of a family member or another person I really like, and unbelievably derivative, it absolutely slays me every time I see it. I guess I like it mostly because it's proof that in at least one way, I'm 'just like everybody else.'
4. Do you dream in color or black and white? Or does it depend upon the dream?
   I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I'm not sure if I dream that way. I mean, I don't know that my dreams are "visions" exactly. I think they're more like "impressions", which are sometimes visual but more often are just...feelings. Sensations. Thoughts, maybe. Sometimes it is like watching a movie, and in those cases I think that it's in color - I mean, the question seems strange; I'm having the urge to ask if it wouldn't be impossible for a person with standard eyesight to actually dream in black and white, so I guess I must not. (Or I'm just a jerk.)
   I think I should've just said "yes."
5. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? And how about now?
   I always wanted to be a photographer, preferably for a sports team. I thought that my experience--having stalked one of our classmates throughout his high school basketball career--would serve me well. Unfortunately, once I started college and discovered that I (a) wasn't terribly skilled at "capturing arresting images," and (b) couldn't make a deadline to save my life, I had the college-me version of an existential crisis. After I got drunk for a few days, I saw my advisor, who (a) thanked the patron saint of photography (that would be Veronica, for those playing at home) for my realizations, and (b) encouraged me to take whatever classes interested me, telling me that it would work itself out eventually. He was right, sort of. In a much shorter time than I would have thought possible, I'd completed the requirements for my BA in History and was headed toward a career in...what?
   I never wanted to "do" History. Now what?
   Well, you know what I do. And so does pretty much everybody else who's reading this--and interestingly, at least four of the people who read this regularly actually DO exactly what I do, as their real jobs. (We're not a bunch known for our social abilities, so it's a rather amazing feat, that.) But is what I do, what I want to do? Nah. I mean, I love what I do; my job is great. If I could JUST. Do. My. Job., my job would be terrific. But....
   Writing. That's what I would like to do. To be. I think that if that's where the money came from--where the living came from--I would be living a happier life.

[the title quotation is by Thomas Edison]