seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty

No, but really. Who am I?

I just took the Free Insightful Personality Test at VisualDNA (which is quite long--75 questions or so?--and requires some thought), and discovered that I am a Seeker.

Am I really this flightly? Huh.

[the title quotation is by Frank Herbert, from The Dune Chronicles]


Your lips were made for freedom

If a hinge is missing a screw, somewhere a shutter grieves
against a house. When open hands pause above a box,
it is time to wonder about reaching and withdrawing,
and whether hunger does make bones rattle. Smile more.

It helps the sun shake off the cold of fall's night cloak.
Leap more. Your hands were made for holding the air.
Know that if there are bits of sand in your nails, a fly
will find an open window; the boy will escape the fire.

Music can be heard in the slow drone of flowers arching
toward light, in the smooth curve of a vase, and in the small
of your eyes, where laugh lines hide furrows of eager seeds.
Looking in the mirror this morning, you were happy, the way

light learns to dance with water, the way a boat's anchor
will stay on the seabed. Whenever you feel the urge to kiss,
kiss the wind. Your lips were made for freedom, and this day,
a day for yeses, is the most important day of your life.

[Steve Mueske, 'A Day for Yeses', from A Mnemonic for Desire: Poetry]


there is a natural hootchy-kootchy motion to a goldfish

  • Are you a good public speaker? I doubt it? I do all right in the right circumstances. I excel, though, as the one sitting at the back of the room making smart comments under my breath, cracking up the people near me but looking ever-so-innocent all the while.
  • Are you a good babysitter? HA! Not so much. I guess once they hit the age of 12 or so, I start to do better. Babies, actual infants, bewilder me.
  • Are you a good mechanic? not so I'd want to make it a career, but I get by as a handyman, in limited ways
  • Are you a good diplomat? hmm. My last serious relationship was long enough ago that I'd have to say No to that one.
  • Are you a good employee? I'm good enough at what I do to make up for the stuff I think while I'm doing it. (I'm not referring to any one position/employer/situation.)
  • Have you ever had a secret admirer? yep. It was creepy and flattering at once. Looking back, it seems a whole lot more like stalking than "admiring." Still, he was a nice enough kid, and there are no hard feelings.
  • If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? "How f'ing long does it take to find a house in this town?!"
  • Do you hold grudges? yes, indeed, I do. Very much so. Is it a sign of my enlightenment, my full actualization as a functional adult? Probably not. But is it the way that I am? Oh heck yeah.
  • If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create? meerkat and bobcat. I'd love to see them s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g while they ran!
  • Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? I've never been involved in it, but I've lived in a house that was decorated (very subtly). It could happen, if the surroundings make it feasible.
  • Do you like clowns? they never bothered me until I learned that a dear friend is a victim of coulrophobia. Now I do see the disturbing angle much more readily.
  • Have you ever been surfing? not hardly. Though I think it's fascinating (from a physics angle), it also seems like more daring than I do.
  • Have you ever been snowboarding? likewise, it seems doubtful. And in this case, there's also the darned-cold-ness to keep me away!
  • Who was better, the Beatles or Elvis Presley? it's like comparing steak and pork chops: they're hardly the same meal, but both are quite good
  • What's your favourite type of foreign food? Mexican, maybe. Or Greek, which just doesn't happen in this part of the world.
  • love this look!
  • Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? huh! I don't think I've ever contemplated that in quite this way before. On clothing, vertical. In pretty much any other venue, horizontal.
  • Rothko's No. 2, blue red & green
  • Have you ever baked your own bread? I have! I miss that very much. Looking forward to getting a bread machine again once there's room for such a thing to exist in my life.
  • Can you believe I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is in fact not actually butter? um, yeah--it's definitely margarine. No doubt.
  • Can you name all 50 American states? probably? Given enough time, I probably could do so, yes.
  • Have you ever owned a goldfish? yep. I think that ship sailed, along with an ex-bf, a few years past.
  • Do you give money to buskers? I never knew what a busker was, or what they do, until I heard the song "Rains in Asia" by Jump, Little Children, and looked it up. Of course, I'd experienced them before that, but never by that name. And yes, definitely, anytime it's possible to do so!

[obtained from here and chopped into digestible bits; the title quotation is from Walt Disney]


your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone

In my neverending quest to figure out what it's all about, I've taken Gretchen Rubin's Quiz: The Four Tendencies. It turns out that I'm an Upholder, which is incredibly disheartening.

Upholders respond readily to both outer and inner expectations: they meet deadlines and keep New Year’s resolutions without much struggle or supervision.

Upholders take great satisfaction from moving smoothly through their daily schedule and their to-do lists. They meet others’ expectations—and their expectations for themselves.

However, Upholders may feel uneasy when expectations aren’t clear, when they’re worried that they’re breaking the rules, or when they feel overwhelmed by expectations they seek to meet.

They enjoy habits, and form habits fairly easily.

I question the reliability and validity of these results, if only because four possible outcomes from a dozen or so questions is awfully difficult (or inappropriate) to interpret. (Yes, I know, it's all in fun.)

[the title quotation is by Augusten Burroughs]


if you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life

I want to give all the details about what's been happening for the last couple of weeks, but this is one of those rare times when I know that saying absolutely nothing is preferable than getting into it at all, anywhere.

I just don't understand why the people who like me, like me. And why the people upon whose radar I don't make a blip, can't seem to see me at all. And, after all the many years that this situation has persisted, why I continue to be surprised and upset by this.

My result from the Which Muppet Character Are You? quiz surprised me.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I had the perfect seeds for a blog post in my mind. I thought about writing it down, but then thought, Nah, I'll remember.
Am I really old enough for this to be happening to me already?!

Roughly every couple of weeks for the past two or three years, someone's tried to change my FB password (on my 'supplemental' account). Given its overall value and interest level, they're welcome to it. It's got to be someone I know, since the email address that's attached is hardly something someone could stumble upon. I actually retain the emails that FB sends out when it happens, and there are nearly 200 in the folder. Seriously, just tell me you want in, and I'll give hand out the credentials on the spot. It's just super irritating to go through this so often!

I had a peanut butter fudge Blizzard today. It was extremely delicious. I'm usually more of a fruit fan, but it was really good.

The timing was right to go to DQ today, since it's been in the 80s for the last two days but will get into the 40s tonight and the 30s again tomorrow night. This spring weather is unpredictable. The fan on is too much, the fan off is stifling. I'm sure this will settle soon.

Brace yourself: I actually have social plans in the next couple of months. There's a fundraiser for the historical society (Chocolate, Shakespeare & Champagne) in June, a number of events at the art museum, and, on August 15, a dance fundraiser that should prove hilarious. This is all the sort of thing I've been wanting to do for a long time--maybe my whole adulthood--and just now feel like I'm ready, or it's all right for me, to do it.

I'm tired but not sleepy. This could be a long night.

[the title quotation is by Bill Watterson, from Calvin and Hobbes]


the Past, Lying beneath me with its sounds and sights

Half of my life is gone, and I have let
   The years slip from me and have not fulfilled
   The aspiration of my youth, to build
   Some tower of song with lofty parapet.
Not indolence, nor pleasure, nor the fret
   Of restless passions that would not be stilled,
   But sorrow, and a care that almost killed,
   Kept me from what I may accomplish yet;
Though, half-way up the hill, I see the Past
   Lying beneath me with its sounds and sights,—
   A city in the twilight dim and vast,
With smoking roofs, soft bells, and gleaming lights,—
   And hear above me on the autumnal blast

   The cataract of Death far thundering from the heights.

[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 'Mezzo Cammin' - from Longfellow: Poems and Other Writings]


trip no further, pretty sweeting; journeys end in lovers meeting, every wise man's son doth know

I got my hair cut and colored today. It has grown about three inches since the last time I was at the salon. That seems amazing until I realized that I've been taking "hair, skin & nails" vitamins for nearly that long. Apparently this stuff really works - on hair, skin, and toenails. That all looks great; my fingernails are still short & lame. Patience!

And patience about the house hunt. I've seen nearly 20 houses, stalked another 50 online, and been in contact through two friends at work with two houses which are in the "selling eventually" stage, thanks to elderly parents moving out. I still haven't found "the one", though I'm still hopeful and as positive as I can manage. Meeting with my realtor tomorrow afternoon may yield news.

Pet peeve: those fingers-in-the-shape-of-a-heart photographs that are EVERYWHERE lately. Every other book cover, Instagram pic, FB post...eNOUGH already.

I've been listening to an old set of mixes made for someone I don't know anymore. The dude was bad, the time period was a mess, and the music is still terrific.

"I'd know what to do
If I just knew, what's comin'"

"You kept me going
I want you to know thanks to you I've come around
It was faith"

Two youngsters in my life have graduated from college this year. The first is a lad I've known since he was but wee, a slightly gamey bundle of curiosity, energy, and pure nerd appeal. The second was a coworker at the old place, one of those people who seems to have been born knowing what she wanted to do and how she would do it. They're quite distinct people, with strong personalities and loads of IQ. I can't wait to see where they go next. (Congratulations, Sparky & Ashley!)

Advanced photo settings, take one. The B&W really brings out the texture in the leaves and flowers!

I'm ready for a vacation. Who wants to fly off on a carefree long weekend with me?

[the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from Twelfth Night. Act II scene iii]