So: I'm in my hometown. If all goes well (cue the laughing dogs!) I'll have a relaxing 5 day, 5 night stay in fucking cold, unbelievably snowy hometown U.S.A. The 259.92 mile trip was alleged by Mapquest to take 4 hours, 12 minutes. I left at 1:44 and arrived at the city limits at 5:52. It had snowed six inches yesterday, so when I got to the bar on the Eastern edge of town, the road conditions turned to absolute crap. There was three inches of sludge on the road. An inch of snow and two inches of salt and sand. What a horrible thing to do to my car!
I'd arrived too early for the parental comfort zone. (They get nervous if they think I've driven fast.) So I toodled around town for a few minutes before coming to the homestead. Only, I forgot the cardinal rule about snowfall in town—if you're driving in it, drive like a fucking idiot. Either incredibly slowly, so that other people get stuck behind you crawling to their destination like arthritic ants on mega-doses of Valium, or incredibly fast and recklessly, because you've been stuck behind those fear-laden crawlers who incite more road rage than a guy in a pickup displaying a "First Kill All the Vikings" bumper sticker. There I was, cranking the Dodgeball mix, swearing my goddamned head off with the stereo so loud they could probably hear it in the next town to the north (yeah, and if you don't know what I mean by that, look on a map! I'm snarky and proud!), driving my excessively cute, tiny, black foreign car with the 3 university stickers in the window (something I'm considering excising--it seems pompous, although the giant grad school window sticker does make the car easy to find in parking lots), out-&-about amongst the regular folk, spinning and sliding and partaking of the winter wonderland. What a load of crap. I took Mankato to Broadway to Franklin to Mark to Main to Sarnia to...home. It wasn't worth getting crunched by some moron in an SUV, just to try and fake my parents into thinking that I drive more slowly than I do.
There are some things to tell about the trip, but I'm half asleep so I'll write it tomorrow. For now, a couple of other items to share. The Cat found a band- and song-name generator, which she used to generate possible blog names. Here's what I came up with for 'Gerb':
Condor Butter
Gerb Hippo
Teal Sunday and the Reduced Gerb
Snippy Roach of the Gerb Customer
Dangerous Gerb
Gerb of the Vapor
Futuristic Mosquito
Social Owl
Gerb Everything
Feline of the Gerb
Lumpy Gerb
Fury of the Gerb Malice
Gerb Okra of the Ultra Water
Gerb Septum
Gerb Hook and the Hip
Gerb Roach
Gerb of the Lucid Coconut
Silent Gerb
Vicious Horse
Koala of the Botched Gerb
Perky Strawberry
Gerb Mixture
Deficient Guardian and the Papaya
Degrading Gerb and the Goggles
Amy Dark
Detached Punch
Extra-Strength Amy
Hair Amy
Amy of the Destructive
Amy Elation
Pure of the Amy
Amy Satellite
Frugal Amy
Grand Aqua
Amy Friend and the Essential Owner
Panting Chartreuse
Sarcastic Subject and the Amy
Amy Lake
Cheerful Hero and the Amy Hippo
Stressful Lake
Amy Moon
Amy Goggles
Social Amy and the Vermicular Word
Favorite of the Devious
Amy Fission
Decadent Cell
Amy Justin and the American Cleaner
Wilted Grizzly and the Pain
(My favorites are in color, and my absolute top choices are bold.)
Finally, my old favorite: the search terms.
~ 8 of the various Starbucks commercial-related ones. This is turning out to be a perennial favorite. I don't get it, but it's apparently not for me to get. It's probably quintupled my blog traffic, so who am I to complain?
* "Green on Blue" Mark Rothko (will hang in my bedroom very soon)
~ Amy & S. [a high school friend's last name] (oops!)
* eleanor roosevelt quote "do one thing every day that scares you" (just a hint--you're already using quotation marks, so leave off with the word 'quote')
~ "fuzzy butterfly chair covers" (ARE NOT AVAILABLE ON MY FARGING BLOG!)
* Ted [redacted] (no clue.)
~ get it all down (x2)
* eddie bauer "car coat" (love it, love it, love it!)
~ "terri gross" & pbs (some mental test or other hits the blog from this. Nothing terribly interesting.)
* S B (it always comes back to haunt me...)
~ death in vegas hands around my throat (why does this not sound familiar to me? oh, 'cause it's not a quotation. 'cause those INDIVIDUAL words appear in my blog. And how many other websites, I wonder? Let's see...mine was one of 119,000 hits.)
* snowed in & christina bartolomeo (Loved the book. Really, really love the author!)
~ modal bed review beyond bath (does this mean that someone was looking for a review of the modal sheets that I bought from Bed, Bath & Beyond? If so, I'd give them an 8/10. They're super soft & comfy, but they wash in cold & they wrinkle easily.)
* please tell me why the car is in the front light and im sleeping with my clothes on came in (that's a shitload of stuff to type without using quotation marks. I recommend asking a member of the Reference staff at your local public library for assistance in creating basic internet search parameters. And besides, the car is in the front yard, and the light is on)
~ 2004 email contact first professional nail saloon in america (pardon me--I just pi**ed my pants laughing.)
* monkey man lyric tweeter meaning (and again, I say, when you figure it out: let me know.)
~ Ann & Lamott & book & Blue & Shoes (it's "Anne" and "shoe")
* ikea backorder (don't get me started on Ikea--which, for those who do not have a condescending and abrasive colleague handy, is apparently supposed to be pronounced Ee-KAY-uh--and its order policies)
~ stun and myphone (please tell me that "myphone" doesn't get a hit on my blog!
It does, but only because Google is smart and inserts a space between the "y" and the "p.")
* get down (dang, it must've taken some work to find me from that!)
~ please tell me why the car is in he front yard and i'm sleeping with my clothes on (because you're jobless, since you spend half of your day typing song lyrics into Google.)
* rusted nail collectors books (i.e. applications for "I Never Want to Date Anyone, Ever" certificates)
~ picture of armadillio (I'd love to see it--if you find one, email me and let me know about it)
* gerb blog (now who, who, who is this, who's trying to track me down this way? on aol?)
~ "Apprehension" by sylvia plath (don't bother with the quotation marks around one word. nor the "by", since you can't be guaranteed that it'll appear on the page. But you got lucky, didn't you, with this blog. So, never mind.)
* get down on it (no comment)
~ christmas in spain
* How did Pittsburgh get it's name (I don't know, but I do know that 'it's' should be spelled 'its' in that query. As for your question, my guess is that some guy named Pitt--William?--started a city, or Burg, and named it after himself. Or was so great that it was named after him. Just a thought.)
~ fast eddie bootie call (Yipes! G.I.A.D. is hit #11 on this search in Yahoo! And isn't it "booty" call? 'Cause I'd think that a "bootie" call would be something baby related, in the infant sense of baby. But maybe I'm just not the one to ask about such things.)
* danish threesome blogs (I can almost guarantee that "danish" has only referred to furniture or pastry in this space. As for threesome...I have no recollection at this time.)
~ anklet amy (that's me! I've also been rather sentimentally called "sandal girl" and "sexy toes." Giggle, giggle.)
* Goo Goo Dolls' "I am my own worst enemy" (did they sing that? Huh.)
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