what I wanted was to be willing to be afraid

Why, tell me, if what you seek
does not exist in any place,
do you propose to travel there on foot?
The road your self must journey on
lies in polishing the mirror of your heart.

[Sanai]

    Incidentally, if what you seek does not exist in any place, proposing to travel there by car (or just driving by, over and over) will not likely get you anywhere, either.
    I appreciate the kind, if bizarre, words of support (?) regarding the date and my preparation for same. I am pleased to report that nothing and no one was injured in the process of Vacuuming During Panic. The date itself was like nothing I've ever experienced before.
    This weekend has been an odd mix of the productive (super-cleaning the apartment, running much put-off errands yesterday, gathering some gifts that I will send to the new mom tomorrow) and the lazy/relaxed (exploring some new blog options, IMing with half the world, lots of general navel-gazing). I returned the black floral skirt to H&M, but picked up a new one while I was there--gray linen, a little longer than knee length, with something that can barely be called a 'flounce' at the hem. The best thing about it was getting away, being away for a while.

    This date thing has got me thinking. (Are you surprised? I didn't think so.) There is this perception that I am not happy or do not consider myself whole if I am not attached to someone. That is not true, but my insistence on the matter is inconsequential if it is not accepted by those who have developed the perception. In the last three months, my life has been a very different kind of solitary than it had ever been before. At times I think I was almost feral, so preferring to limit my interactions as much as possible. Sneaking out at night, under cover of darkness and rain. Avoiding the well-traveled areas.

    About a week ago, I opened the door, during the day. Making that trip--suggesting it, making the plans, and actually going--required that I be a part of Life in a way that I haven't been in a while. Of course, I realize that I did it with a safety net, in the company of someone who would protect me to almost no limit. It's not for no reason that we choose the friends that we do. So I took those first creaky steps with her, playing at being social, and it was hard (in some ways--that makes it sound like it wasn't fun and it unequivocally was, but it was hard for me, too, in unexplainable ways). And then I came back and kept it up, in the tiny ways that I had created for myself to have to.

    And then I accepted, and went through with, and enjoyed, that date. Amazing! He's a great guy: funny, smart, accomplished, socially adept, and extremely attractive. We have plans to see each other again, and I'm glad of it. But the thing that really struck me about what happened yesterday (beyond having a date with him in the first place) was this: we spent a couple of hours together in the middle of the day, and then he left, as was the plan all along. He gave me a hug at the door. I watched him walk to his car, a little wistfully; it had been fun, after all, and I was a bit sorry to see him go. But as he started to back his car out of the parking space, I turned away to get something to drink, and after a while I realized that he'd been gone for only a few moments and already I was back in my own solitary world.

    The world I inhabit, on my own, all the time.

    The usual.

    And I was glad of it, at that moment.

    I don't need him. I don't need anyone, not to be here, to make me happy. Whether I am or am not, it is not strictly a function of my interactions with, and the amount or degree of time that I spend with or without another person. Just because I like him doesn't mean that the liking is pathological. Freud said famously that 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' Similarly, sometimes a guy is just a guy.