answer the phone

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."
[A.A. Milne]
    Experiencing a spurt of energy so rare that it had to be exploited, I've pulled all the old files from my cabinet, shredded and/or recycled papers that I no longer need, and created new files for this year's data. I usually do this more gradually through the first 1/4 of the year, and do a much more half-assed job, so this is a pleasant, positive change for me.
    In the process of digging through the files, I've spent a few moments considering the reasons that I keep things (inertia; paranoia, justified or otherwise; nostalgia) and the rationale for streamlining my acquisition and retention of "stuff," particularly paper, which I have an acknowledged problem discarding. I come by my packrat-hood naturally; both of my parents are hoarders (though of very different sorts of things). I have moved 13 times since I was 18, and with each move I've become more adept at squirreling things away so that I will not lose them...which almost inevitably results in losing things because they're so well squirreled away. I've always been a fairly secretive person, at least in terms of certain possessions. By that I mean that I've always kept some items hidden, whether because they were literally secret or because I was uncomfortable with being connected to them, or because I wanted to keep them only for myself.
    When I was cleaning out those files, I found a cache of mobile phone bills. I was all set to recycle them...until I read one. And then I spent an hour skimming the entire pile.
    My phone bills tell a fascinating story. Where my attention lay, how much sleep I got, and when it all changed. For instance:

• September, 2004. I'd had the phone for 2 months. The ex and I separated on 9/10. That month, I spent 48 min. talking with Nick.
• Oct. 2004: 34 min. with Nick; 26 min. with "unavailable"--which was Johnnie
• Nov. 04: 2 with Nick; 0 with Johnnie (weird!)
• In Dec. 04, when the divorce was final and our finances were dividing, my bill wasn't itemized.
• Jan. 05: 1 min. with Nick; 781 min. with Johnnie. That's more than 13 hours, in a month! One of those days we talked 135 min. Another, 132 min. Another, 138 min. Another, 252 min. More than four hours. Straight! Unreal.
• Feb. 05: The shortest month of the year, right? Johnnie I talked for 3340 min. That's 55.67 hours. 2 1/3 days.
  And I spoke with Nick for 102 min. That month, I used 4183 cell minutes. 69.7 hours. Nearly 3 days.
• Mar. 05: 1804 min. with Johnnie, including one 5-call combination that lasted 334 min. (more than 5.5 hours), beginning at 7-something PM (Central); 93 min. with Nick.
• Apr. 05: 3040 min. with Johnnie. 34 min. with Nick. (oof)
• May 05: 1189 min. with Johnnie. The beginning of the end. 1 min. with Nick.
• June 05: 514 min. with Johnnie. 43 min. with Nick.
• July 05: 11 with Nick. 0 with Johnnie; my link with Seattle had broken.

    Over the next almost two years, I would spend roughly an hour on the phone with Nick each month - the majority often in a single call. I was never to hear from Johnnie again.
    It's strange to be able to look back in such a concrete way. Strange, and more than a little surreal, honestly, to see myself so taken up in someone, graphed out in black and white. What does it say about me? That I am devoted? That I am incapable of devotion? That I am loyal? Obsessive? Fascinating, or incredibly dull? Had I found, in Johnnie, that elusive "soul-mate," he without whom...? Or had my soul simply stumbled, quite by accident, upon another lonely one, with whom I shared something fantastic and sweet, for as long as it could last? And did I persist in something with Nick that was merely the antidote to the pain that came from losing Johnnie?