Slightly more than a year ago, I had my last few appointments with my therapist. I'd just gone through The Mad-town Guy incident (for those who may not know or recall, flip through the archive from 11/07 and 12/07 and you'll get the picture, I think) and was feeling bruised and contagious, as if my misery was poisonous. And though I'd started to feel better (i.e. less like just sitting around in the dark most of the time), I was nowhere near "good."
On what turned out to be my last appointment, very near the end, my therapist asked me, "What's something you've wanted to do, but haven't done because it's not something you do?"
"Well, I've always wanted to take a dance class, but [ex] wouldn't follow through with his even vague agreement to do it...." I trailed off, thinking about how fantastic we would have looked, dressed for swing dancing. We always looked good together, even if we were terrible for each other.
"Take a dance class."
"But I don't have a partner."
"Take a dance class."
I thought a lot about it. Really, I think a lot about everything. Practically every guy I've ever dated has told me that I over-think things, so it's not as if this is a revolutionary idea for me. But seriously - how do I stop? I've given that a lot of thought, too, and it's getting me nowhere. Chasing my philosophical tail again.
At some points in my life, I would have rushed straight out and bought tap shoes, a tutu, and home practice equipment up to and including a barre to install in my bathroom. I would not have questioned the literality (literalness?) or the necessity of the instruction. I would have taken her word - the word of my therapist, who knows all about me, who is paid to take care of me, who happens to incidentally care about me, too - as truth. But she's a tricky one. She's not all about giving me verbal medicine and expecting me to take it as instructed. For example, she once sent me home with one task: to figure out where over-thinking gets me. That one sort of hurt my brain. (The idea was that I COULD NOT figure it out. It was un-figure-out-able. And since it's like that, I can just let it go, yes? Like some of the stuff I ... try ... so hard ... to figure out.... Damn it!)
So. The dance class. Take a dance class? I don't want to take a dance class. I don't really like to dance. I don't really like people who like to dance. (No offence intended, dancing readers. My point is coming.)
A couple of weeks later, I was talking with a guy who was tangentially involved in my work life. Circumstances were such that our friendship, relationship, whatever, had the potential to change. We would likely either lose touch completely, or we would need to become closer.
I realized that my fear of rejection was significantly less than my fear of never seeing him again. Although I'd never done it before, I took an assertive position and gave him my phone number.
In a way, I was "taking a dance class." I wasn't thinking about it that way at the time, but it made sense when a friend framed it that way. I was breaking out of my comfortable 'waiting' pattern. I was NOT going back, at all, in any way. I was absolutely moving forward, whether forward was going to bring me happiness or just resolution to the uncertainty. I'd obviously healed some from the experience with the Mad-town guy. Figuratively speaking, I was out there on the dance floor, wiggling around like a moron for any and all to see, just in case that wriggling should prove appealing to the person I most wanted to attract.
Of course it hasn't quite turned out that way, at least not perfectly so. I did get his attention, and that counts for something.
My point in all this is to ask all y'all - what do you think of this "dance class" thing? Am I crazy? Do you think she meant, literally, take a dance class? Or do you think she meant, "do something outside your comfort zone" and "by no means get back with the idiot I've heard you moan about for 3 years"? If I've really missed this forest because I've been so closely scrutinizing the fascinating trees, I will be glad to become aware of it. Do tell.
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