we always weaken whatever we exaggerate

April 7: inordinate

This time of year makes me inordinately wistful, missing my childhood and its colored eggs (which, after a certain age, my brother and I would take to the back yard to shoot with his pellet gun), sparkly basket, and color-matched hidden jelly beans.

I forgot to mention it yesterday--the blog has hit a milestone. This post was the 2000th, ever. Surprising, isn't it? In a good way, for sure.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
   it would not be surprise, I can tell you that. I really do try to believe in love and happiness and the future, but it's hard, y'know? Experience creeps in and takes over where hope used to be.
2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
   
   a new job would be great. Something that will challenge me without nauseating me with fear, which will give me a sense of pride and joy and accomplishment, and where I will feel both appreciated and secure. If that's not a dream, I don't know what is.
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
   
   noisy neighbors. The [unprintable name] next door was playing the same CD for hours last night, beginning around 10:30, maybe 11:PM. Because of the layout of these godforsaken units, it was only audible upstairs--where my bedrooms are. I knew that I had the option of getting dressed and going next door to request that he turn that [bleep] down, but he's a [jerk] under the best circumstances, and it was playing for, I'm not kidding, at least 6 hours. If he wasn't passed out cold, then he must be either deaf or seriously mentally challenged. I had earplugs in, but I could still feel the bass thumping through my bed, which is on the far wall, not adjoining his! It was SO irritating. I finally dragged the covers and a couple of pillows off my bed and "slept" on the couch. As much as anyone could sleep by that point.
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
   
   pay some bills, stash a bit for later, and give the rest away. That's far too much money for one person.
5. Could you fall in love with your best friend?
   
   nope, they're all taken. And it's a goal of mine--call it a resolution--to avoid falling in love with people who are already in romantic relationships.
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
   
   those states cannot be compared. Each does something for me, and also does something for someone else, which will be different depending upon for whom it's occurring. And some of those differences will affect the, er, level of blessing. So to speak.
7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
   
   before I...? Look: I don't really consider myself to be 'waiting'. And I also don't look at love in a "really" way, which implies that there's some sort of sliding scale. I've always felt sort of twitchy about "I love you so much"--the "so much" (or "a lot" or "totally" or whatever) seeming to, if anything, weaken the argument. Love...just is. (Or it's not, which is another question entirely.)
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
   
   this is prospective, right, and not retrospective? I would RUN in the other direction.
9. If you'd like to act (movies, stage) with someone, who would it be?
   
   meh. For as much as I appreciate skilled acting, to participate in the craft does not interest me whatsoever.
10. What do you expect of your loved ones?
    
    complete obeisance and regular, significant tributes.
11. How would you see yourself in ten years' time?
    
    in mirrors, probably. With corrective lenses.
12. What’s your fear?
    
    being last to the party.
13. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
    
    how about single and poor? That seems accurate.
14. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
    
    say, in my head, "Five more minutes...."
15. Do you ever hold back in a relationship?
    
    uh, yeah. I've been told that I am excessively, off-puttingly reticent. Call it reason #1 that I don't (shouldn't/can't/whatever) date.
16. If you fell in love with two people simultaneously, how would you pick?
    
    once again, this is prospective, right? I would choose the less easy choice, the man who makes me sick with fear and love, and not the one who happens to be close at hand. (Call that reason #2 that I don't date.)
17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
    
    no. I will not.
18. What are your three most important expectations in love?
    
    How about some advice, instead?
    1. Don't Have.
    2. Expectations.
    3. In Love.

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by Jean-Francois de la Harpe]