I would not put a thief in my mouth to steal my brains

• What was your first alcoholic drink?
  Crème de menthe, straight up. We were too young/dumb/scared to shoot it, so we sipped. Why Crème de menthe? God only knows. It probably seemed like the thing my friend's parents wouldn't notice was missing from the cabinet, and that they wouldn't notice on our breath. Of course, since we were maybe twelve, they might've noticed the reek of alcohol and the ridiculous hangovers that we were each sporting the next day. I didn't have another drink for at least four years after that.
• What was your first job?
  maid-of-all-work in the bakery department of the downtown grocery store in my hometown. Looking back, it's an awfully odd job for me to have sought, much less gotten. I took to it quickly, though, and was good at it, and kept it for nearly four years, during which time my wage nearly doubled.
• What was your first car?
  haven't we covered this? It's got to rank in the top 5 of most-asked meme questions ever. Lame! Ergo, a free space.
  My favorite processed meat is smoked ham.
• What was your first mobile phone?
  Motorola i205
• What is your first proper memory?
  I am the youngest of my family, I have a good memory for details, and I tend to remember stories (given my various interest paths, it fits), so there's no picking out which are "proper" memories and which are borrowed from what I've been told. If I were forced to choose, though, I'd say riding in the car on the way to my grandparents' house for a holiday. I always sat in the center (on the hump) in the back seat.
• Who was your first teacher?
  Mrs. B
• Which fictional character do you wish was real?
  there's a bizarre three-way tie going on in my mind between Everett Chance from The Brothers K, Jonathan Bovaro from The Girl She Used to Be and The Exceptions, and Kvothe from The Name of the Wind and The Wise Man's Fear.
• Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
  over and around my hometown, escorted by a guy who had a monster-big crush on me. I was flabbergasted, for the first and prehaps only time in my life. There is a fine line between trying to impress someone and flat-out trying to buy them. Don't ever try to buy someone.
• Who was your first best friend?
  My partner in crime from the first prompt in this meme. We are still friends, though we're much better influences on each other these days than we were back then...probably....
• What was your first detention for?
  general misbehavior, I suppose, and failure to stick to the program, in Clothing class in eighth grade
• What's your strongest sense?
  foreboding
• Who was your first kiss?
  another among the top five most over-asked questions ever. Free space!
  I have never taken private sports, music, or any other sorts of lessons.
• What was the first film you remember seeing at the cinema?
  The Rescuers, though it's likely that I saw something earlier than that but don't recall it offhand
• What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
  $200
• What's the largest amount of money you've spent in one spree?
  ~$800, if we're talking about non-school-related purchases and in a single store in a single transaction that's not a house, a car, or furniture
  
• If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
  "Just, don't."
• Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
  I have. What they don't tell you, though, is that 'sweet' is relative, and that it's a lot more work than you'd ever imagine.
• Have you ever been to a live concert?
  so much better than the dead ones, aren't they?
• Have you ever been to see stand up comedy?
  I have. I saw Emo Philips at a basement comedy club in A2 that has since closed, which is fine with me because the place gave me the creeps. (Just because it was a bunch of people jammed into a small basement...possibly no fire exits...I've seen too many movies....)
• Have you ever needed stitches?
  needed, yes; received, no

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from Othello]