the lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus

1. If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? I would probably want to be alone on that island for a while. After a week or so, though, I'm sure that the quiet would start to get to even me, and I would be pining for my good friends and some family.
2. What do you feel right now? a little cold (the temperature barely got over 60° today), cranky that it's Sunday evening after another weekend that seemed to fly by, and a little sad.
3. What chocolate is your favorite? I will usually choose milk chocolate over white or dark, but generally prefer salt before sugar.
4. Why did you create a blog account? all the cool kids were doing it, way back when. It was an opportunity to create a secret life, in a sense, at a time when I needed an outlet for complicated feelings that had no legitimate expression. And I've always fancied myself a writer.
5. Who is your favorite blogger? I'm chagrined to admit that I spend almost no time reading blogs anymore, at least not in a regular sense. It's probably a symptom of my self-absorbed state of mind for the last few months.
6. When was the last time you cried? Why? earlier today. I watched four films this weekend--Field of Dreams, Henry V, Zoolander, and Garden State, and all but one had me in tears at least once. I'm pretty soft on movies anyway, but this was a kind of extraordinary run even for me.
7. Who is your best friend? D
8. What kind of music do you listen to? a very wide variety, trending now toward somewhat older releases. The newer stuff is exhausting and feels anti-melodic; I prefer that which is created by musicians, rather than the sort better described as a product.
9. Do you have troubles sleeping at night? depends on how gently I've been treating my soul and my back. I can't take things for granted like I used to.
10. What do you prefer, jeans or shorts? jeans. There's a layer of ex-bf-Nick ugh in the wearing of shorts that just won't fade. Thank God it didn't extend to sandals, or summer would be awful!
11. Did you try to change for a person? I have, and I think it's necessary to some point. I think, though, that setting out to be "the one who changes" or "the one who can change the other person" is a disaster. Relationships, if they're worth anything, are a chemical reaction--we are changed as the result of being together. To say, "You make me a better person," is truth. "He makes me funnier." "She smooths the rough edges off, and makes me easier in social situations." "You make me feel less shy." I don't think it's a matter of trying to change, but simply living up to the challenge and opportunity of a relationship, a friendship, a love, a family, a mentor, a great boss.... Seeing yourself through their eyes, and in so doing, letting who you really were supposed to be come through.
12. Are you in a good or bad mood? probably 70/30
13. Name someone you can’t live without. you can learn to live without the person you can't live without. It's not pretty and you're not the same, but it can happen.
14. Do you have a grudge against anyone? oh Hell yeah
15. Are you a crybaby? at times. One person gets the results of that surprisingly often, as I choke up with probably alarming frequently during our talks. Too much feeling and not the right words will do that.
16. When people praise you for your looks, what feature do they praise? I can say that it doesn't happen all that often in a specific way, any longer. I am complimented now and then by the people with whom I work, who are typically surprised by my age. I take that to mean that I have good skin.
17. What hair color do you prefer? on myself? It varies. Generally lighter rather than darker, though the underside and parts of the back are getting darker again. It's a sort of blond-on-top, purple-underneath deal right now. I have an appointment on Friday to have it done again. I don't have anything specific in mind. Maybe blonder and a shorter cut...?
18. If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? I would love to lose about 50 pounds, grow stronger and longer fingernails, and accomplish the task that I set for myself about a week ago.
19. Can you live without Internet? yep
20. Have you ever experienced being hysterical? I think so? I've had a couple of panic attacks (several years ago), the specifics of which are a little hard to recall over time, because they were so overwhelming. I think that the body and mind can make that sort of memory difficult to retain, simply for self-preservation purposes.
    More recently, there were a couple of days in mid- to late November that were a blur, for which I am very grateful.
21. Did you have an accident last year? now, there's some irony. No, I did not.
22. What are you thinking right now? loss. Love and loss.
23. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? Wow, these four questions in a row are like a body-slam.
    Yes, I have. Death, mourning, grieving - there are not words.
24. Do you have trust issues? yes. Who doesn't?
25. Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? he knows.
26. Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? sort of? I mean, I just got through watching Garden State, so I'm riding along on that feeling.
    "...you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big."
27. Do you believe in destiny? see, most of the time I'm probably not going to fall on the side of destiny per se. I think that there is some dumb luck--you turn the corner at the right time and run into someone you're supposed to meet, or the friend who knows someone who might be able to hook you up with a job is the one you happen to ask about jobs, and so forth--but most of it is your own willingness to get out there and walk, or ask, and then to do something with it when it falls into your lap. Don't just wait for it: do it.
28. How do you look right now? comfortable and sleepy
29. Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? yep, pretty often. I try not to listen, though.
30. Favorite city? depends. It's been far too long since I've been to Miami, but I'm not sure I will go back there. I may need to find a different 'spiritual home.' It's likely to be a while before I'm in a position to take any vacations anyway. There's time to figure it out.

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by Wallace Stegner, from The Spectator Bird]