Day 5: 'found'
I found something today that I lost a while ago, that I was afraid I'd never find. Funny, though, how you can become resolved to something like that. Though I am enormously happy and grateful, I have to wonder, a tiny bit, in the very back of my mind...might it have been better not to have found it again, after all?
There is a legal distinction between "lost" and "missing", did you know? Probably not, because it is virtually impossible to discern. I freely admit that some aspects of the law were utterly lost on me, and that is one of them. (The difference is, for those who care, something about the possibility of finding again. Essentially, "lost" is forever and "missing" is mislaid--I think? Maybe?)
“‘I just ... God, I feel like I’ve lived a long time, you know?
And I’ve been so alone.
I found something ...
that I don’t think I can be without anymore,
and I know I’m not going to find it again.’”
[Elizabeth Berg, in Never Change]
Not the best photo, but a found one,
and one that I love
It's a hard thing to write about "found." I had all sorts of ideas in mind today, but when I sat down to get them out, they wouldn't make themselves ready. Kept getting stuck between brain and fingers, between ideas and words. There was too much raw material and not enough expression. That is what a block feels like, to me. Not the inability to think of anything to write about, but the over-abundance of ideas. How can I ever get it all down? So it's coming out in pieces, disjointed.
This is the last of the really crazy weeks for a while. I've the day off tomorrow (appointments), and plans tomorrow night, and an appointment on Saturday. Sunday, if nothing changes, I plan to sleep the entire day. I am so exhausted, I'll be surprised if I can even make it all the way out of bed. Then, after a regular work week, next Friday is our rescheduled work "holiday party." Early weather forecasts look pretty grim (high of sixteen, low of fourteen, chance of snow 20%) but not as bad as the rest of the week--which will be less cold but more snowy.
I'm ready to be back in a normal routine, eating normal food instead of the odd holiday stuff, and spending my evenings biking (in the basement) and reading rather than writing cards and getting out to social events and shopping. It feels like I need to get back to myself.
[the title quotation is by Elizabeth Berg, from Dream While You're Feeling Blue]