was there ever a trap to match the trap of love?

I've never loved someone for so long without telling them so. It's as if I've always been more concerned about getting the credit for it than about actually doing it, the right way, the way that's right for the person I love. Granted, there's some irrational fear--the "what if something happens before I tell him, and he never knows?" syndrome.

First, I know it's not true; he knows that I love him because it's not just words that need to be said, but a thing that I do, every day, a dozen ways or a hundred. And a lot of things that I do not do. And the way that I do so many more. It's not the what, but the way....

And second, blurting out to someone that you love them because you're afraid they'll die or you'll die

before you can choke the words out? That's not love, but fear and manipulation and drama.

So. I love him. And I think about it a lot, but I don't say it. Yet. Someday, maybe. Probably. It'll likely come out, drunk or angry or lust-fueled, and no less honest for the circumstances. But it's probably all right that the phrase, too easily spoken before, hasn't come yet.

[the title quotation is by Stephen King, from The Gunslinger]