being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise

When I am tired - or when something (everything) hurts - then my mind is sometimes quiet. What an amazing experience! 

running shoes

fleece full-length and lightweight knee-length yoga pants -
the alternative to religion for some people

After unexpected but not entirely surprising surgery in November, I got out of my exercise routine. Having pneumonia, bronchitis, and sinus and ear infections (or was it an early round of COVID? Were I more brave, or thought it would make one bit of difference, I would have an antibody test) through most of the winter kept me on the sidelines. Between then and maybe March, I have been walking, if anything at all. Trying to keep moving as much as I could.

Hard-boiled eggs: mmm, protein...

A few weeks before this state implemented a stay-at-home order, I saw my athletic trainer for the first time in a while. We reviewed her plan of corrective exercises for me. When I started working with her, my posture sucked, and I was back to carrying all my stress in my first rib on the right side (i.e. right shoulder). She set a program of things to address. As we worked together, the program adapted with the changes in my mobility, strength, and flexibility. Each day that I exercise, I work my core, and then also focus on either my legs or arms on alternating days. As I get stronger, my thighs are getting bigger, not smaller. My arms, however, are cooperating somewhat better. Exercise is funny. I seem to be getting smaller overall, but I weigh more than I did pre-pandemic. My clothes fit more loosely. Shape is always changing. The truism that you gain strength at the gym and lose weight at the table seems to be true.

Home gym, west (with corrective exercise plan)

Always a bruise someplace.
This one's from a bike pedal.

There are drawbacks to all this exercise. My glutes ache. My triceps are are constantly burning. My broken pinkie swells or goes numb, depending upon what I do to it. (Yes, I can acknowledge that it would have been the right thing to have gone to the doctor right away. I was wrong about that.) And I always have bruised easily. More activity means greater chance for injury. Bruising is a constant peril.

If you're lucky enough to find
a sports bra that fits well: get 3!

About a month ago, I decided to add in another element to the workouts. I wanted something with an inherent goal, since there are no 5k races going on right now (and usually by this point in the year I have done one or two already). After a few web searches, I decided on a "30 Days Challenge." One month of something does not seem like too much commitment. The first that I chose was squats: "The 30-Day Squat Challenge That Will Totally Transform Your Butt" - a.k.a. "one month to a new ass or die trying." I took the obligatory before-photo (no, that's never going to be seen by another human eye, much less the internet!) and created the Excel calendar for the fridge, suitable for X-ing off days. I managed to stick with it, not missing a day. Today is day 28. As I said, my glutes ache. There is clearly something going on in there. I can feel it on the treadmill, and when I walk the field (which I do only rarely this time of year, since it's bug & sunburn season). The next target is abs. I have not yet decided which challenge to use, deciding between "The 30-Day Abs Challenge to Strengthen and Sculpt Your Core" and "The 30-Day Ab Challenge to Sculpt Flatter Abs in 4 Weeks." I am leaning toward strengthening rather than buying the hyperbole of "sculpting" at this phase of my life and motivation level....

It seemed like a good choice
- at the time.

I made an error in judgment earlier in the year. I had bought a stationary bike a year or so ago, using my wellness benefit from work. From that first moment, I used it constantly. It was not expensive, but it was a pretty good fit for me, worked well, and had a lot of features that I liked. There were two problems with it. First, the seat was not adjustable, so I was stuck at an angle that, although not painful, was not the absolute best for the bursitis in my left knee. Second, it operated on 4 size-D batteries which would run out in a day or two unless I yanked one out at the end of each workout session. Not a complex process, but also not the first thing on my mind when I am exhausted and distracted. So I put the thing up for sale on our company's internal message board, intending to get a nicer one this time around. It sold within 10 minutes of the weekly newsletter broadcast going out.

Well, I certainly did get a different model. Did quite a bit of research, and finally made my decision. Bought a new one online, paid more for it than the last one, took a couple of weeks to set it up with needing to stop working on it periodically because it was Ikea-boxed-furniture-level frustrating. Finally got it put together and started using it - only to discover that I do not like it at all. The type of resistance that it uses is not what I like. The angle at which I sit is totally wrong and uncomfortable for me. My knees - both of them - bark up a storm when I have gone barely a mile, which is fine since much more than that makes me totally frustrated anyway. It runs on 2 size-AAA batteries, which seems even more strange than the big ones upon which the other model ran. In all, this is not the bike for me. So: screw it. I am going back to the drawing board, putting this one up for sale on the message board this coming week. Once it is gone, I will order a newer model of the original one. It will cost more than the second one, but it will be worth it in the end. I hope! (Then all I need to get is a bar and weights and the basement gym will be totally outfitted. Not one more item to acquire.)

I am changing, in obvious ways and subtle ones. Going without a workout for too long makes me fidgety. My coworkers are finding that out, as I give a couple minutes' notice while tying on my shoes before dashing out the door for a quick walk around the field as a break. I doubt that I will ever be "a runner" - I lack the physique and long term stamina. And I am pretty certain that I will never have "rock-hard abs" - my curves seem to be staying put. But it is not so much about the appearance as the substance. There are now callouses on my formerly pristine feet - including my precious toes - and it does not matter. Parts of me are hard now, that used to be soft. That goes for the inside, as well as the outsides. The muscles in my calves being obvious, the shell around my heart, prehaps less so. Change was overdue.

[the title quotation is from Sigmund Freud]