how sad and bad and mad it was—but then, how it was sweet

2020 reflections

 

1. Have I accomplished at least one of the resolutions I made last year?  

at the end of 2019 and the start of 2020, I had pneumonia, bronchitis, an ear infection (both ears) and a sinus infection. I was away from work for nearly a month, all told. I was not in the resolution business - just trying to get by from day to day.

2. Am I finishing the year with any unfinished projects or work? If yes, why?  

my job life has few tasks that "finish." I am working on one project that began the week that I started in the department, and several more that have been ongoing since then. Every day is like all the others in that none is the same, but all are the same—I just keep slogging away at those projects that never end.

3. Last year, did I take the time to plan how I would achieve my goals?

no. I cringe from the concept of "goal-planning" and setting some sort of outline and time schedule and ... ugh. That's not me.

4. How will I react if I don’t achieve one of my goals this year?  

if they weren't working for whatever reason—I'd just shake up what I was doing or modify the goals themselves. It's not rocket surgery.

5. What can I do to motivate myself to accomplish my goals this year?  

I have two major "goals" at this time. One is essentially outside my control and the other is almost entirely within it. First, I need a new job. Second, I have a set amount of weight that I want to lose. 

    What is the motivation for the first? Some of it is negative reinforcement; every day with the current job is like a rat getting zapped with an electrode. I've learned that I want to avoid the zapper so I'm doing everything I can to get the fuck out of that maze. Some of it is positive reinforcement: it feels really good to apply for a job that I know I can do, that interests me, that would be a good challenge with decent pay and benefits, and provides some inherent good to the world. 

    What is the motivation for the second? Likewise, there are two sides to that story. From the negative, every day that I keep up with bad habits, I look and feel ways that I don't want to. And for the positive: when I reach my goal, I have a (significant) reward in mind.

 1. What did I do to make my partner’s life easier this year?  

I helped with some projects, and was plain in my offer to assist with others. Made myself scarce at various times. Did quality research. Listened. Chose a fantastic restaurant. Gave a good back-rub (and took a world-record one).  

    I also baked some very tiny pizzas.

3. Did I ask too much of my partner during a difficult period this year?  

Yes. (And was likewise asked too much.)

4. Do I need to change the way I think about relationships and love this year?  

everybody ought to be kind of flexible about the way they think about relationships and love. We're always changing. Accepting, adapting, negotiating and compromising. Trust, respect, and admiration. Somewhere in there, you've made love.

5. How can I improve the way I communicate with my partner?  

remember to take a fucking breath sometimes

 1. What is one thing I wish I did this year but didn’t because I was afraid?  

I didn't say "I love you" face to face - and I do.

2. What is one thing I did this year that I wish I did not do?  

compromised my ethics to spare my (acute) mental health

3. How have I controlled the direction my life took this year?  

got treated for an illness. Took some extraordinary trips. Fell—hard—for a cat. Said no to some things that I would have blindly accepted before. Applied for some jobs that were way, way outside my typical 'I can do this' mentality. Made hard decisions that felt like I was ripping myself apart. Survived it.

4. How can I create more self-confidence for myself this year?  

getting a different job will make an enormous change. Getting back in great shape and sorting through a couple of other health issues will help. Continued writing will boost it a lot. I've discovered that travel, when I can, is awesome. Getting out of my own head for a while is a great thing.

5. What can I do to improve the way I communicate with others?  

think before I do it. Choose my words carefully, and whether or not I truly want to say them at all.

 1. In the past year, did I frequently fall behind on sleep, free time or my personal life as a result of my job? 

I significantly cut down the number of hours that I work over the last year—I traded working from home for any and all overtime hours. It's helped me regain some of that lost free time or personal life that I had been volunteering toward work for the last few years.

3. Did I make an effort to maintain a work-life balance consistently this year?  

I made an effort, yes

4. What can I do to go above and beyond my job description this year?  

ha! If you ask my boss, the answer is "absolutely not a damned thing." He literally told me in my annual review that I am "solidly average." One of the big reasons that I want so badly to leave this job is to see him suffer when I'm gone.

5. How can I improve my productivity while in the office or working at home?  

wear warmer clothes. Brush my teeth after every meal. Schedule and take regular breaks. 

    Ultimately, though, it's going to take finding a different job to make me really give a crap about it. Having lost respect for my boss, I've lost proper motivation to behave in regards to work. That's bad for someone with my type of personality. 

[from here; the title quotation is by Robert Browning, from 'Confessions']