- What are my values and do I practice them? reliability, loyalty, open-mindedness, compassion, spirit of adventure, passion, and perseverance. I practice some more than others; some are more like continual aspirations for me.
- Do I take things for granted? What am I grateful for? of course I take things for granted; everyone does. Am I worse than most? No. Am I better than I used to be? Yes. If anything, I'm probably annoying about expressing gratitude when people are not expecting it.
- Do I love myself? Why? How can I increase self-love? prehaps there is something wrong with me as an individual, or with my genetic makeup, but I have a really hard time taking this seriously. It is interesting that the converse—asking "do I hate myself?" has an easy answer, but this contrast causes philosophical dilemmas that are not insignificant. I just cannot phrase it that way; 'loving myself' seems self-indulgent or egotistical. Is that weird? Hmm
- What do I want my life to look like? What makes me happy? like everyone else, I'd like to see my friends and family regularly. Eating in restaurants and shopping seems like a hallucination rather than a normal activity. Beyond the virus limitations, though, I'd like to have new stuff to read now and then, projects to work on, free time to watch movies and someone to share the popcorn with, trips to take, pictures to shoot and look at, cards to write, and great news to celebrate.
- Do I put my wellbeing first? getting better at this. It's not something that comes naturally.
- What activities increase my energy and what activities deplete my energy? deplete: work; interacting with a number of people at once; having to be 'on' for extended periods of time. Increase: being alone or around someone who is similar in nature; positive/engaging challenges; feeling trusted, respected, appreciated, and welcome
- What self-care routine can I put in place that nourishes me? I've recently started walking again (in the basement on the treadmill now that it's cold outside) before dinner, then taking a bath before winding down for the evening. I'm seeing fewer movies but sleeping better. I also hired a local college kid to run occasional errands and do odd jobs for me. He needs the money and I need the distance and time.
- What can I do to motivate myself to accomplish my goals this year? as I write this, there are 23 days left this year, 6 of which are weekend and another 3 are holidays. I just want to manage not to fuck anything up too badly and fly under the radar for the most part.
- What are my limiting beliefs? I believe that I have to stay in this (geographic) area to be happy, and that I need to make a certain minimum amount of money to be fulfilled.
- Do I have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? blah blah blah psychbabbly double-talk.... I have an open mind and love to learn.
- How can I increase my self-awareness? isn't 'self-awareness' another word for self consciousness, and that another word for ego?
- Who am I? who wants to know? I am different things to different people; I contain multitudes.
- Am I holding on to something I need to let go of? I let go of something this weekend that I've been carrying around, in vain, for too long. Letting go feels lousy, but not as bad as it would have to persist in being foolish.
- When was the last time I stepped out of my comfort zone? around six weeks ago, I contacted someone with whom I have not spoken for half a lifetime. That has been an adventure of nerves.
- How can I take personal responsibility for my life? I'm trying. For instance, last week I met a cop driving on the river road (a local 'bypass' of sorts) while running almost twice the speed limit. There were no mitigating circumstances, but also no enhancements, so it likely would have just been the speeding ticket. At that speed, it would have been around $250. More than that, it would have been the end of my perfect driving record and some disastrous timing in relation to the last question I answered, above. In all, stupid. And I got off easy—though the cop whipped a U-turn, lights flashing and siren on, I did not even get pulled over. The experience was enough to make me realize that I've been fucking around lately, taking chances, and I need to straighten out before I get myself hurt. Since then, I've been behaving, and thinking before I act. In a weird way, it's a relief to be away from that urge to screw up.
[from here; the title quotation is by Henry James, from The Portrait of a Lady]
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