1.21.2021

God knows we’re all drawn to what’s beautiful and broken

from 132 Best Questions 
 
When do you feel the most like yourself?
   when I'm talking with a friend
How do you know when you’re being completely authentic?
   pretty sure that's not a question that I can answer. I just know when it feels wrong.
When did you last feel that way?
   a couple weekends ago, even though there was a sad purpose to it, was honest and good.
What’s something you want to do that’s impossible?
   leave my job
What would need to change to make it possible?
   I would need to have the money to pay my bills until I find another one—and/or to sufficiently decrease the amount that I owe
What makes you lose track of time?
   reading, or texting with D
What do other people always thank you for?
   I got 4 messages in one day a couple of weeks ago, thanking me for Christmas cards. That happens pretty often, that people will go out of their way to comment on something that I've sent.
If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
   I've neither the skill nor the desire to teach
What do people ask for your help with?
   understanding power of attorney docs
rubber fowl
What makes you smile?
   rubber chickens
What are you drawn to?
   arrogance, button-pushing, challenges, obscurity, and depth
Who inspires you most?
   I have a muse, though he would not be pleased to be identified as such
What qualities do they possess that inspire you? 
  tenacity, assertiveness, discipline, charisma, and ambition
What makes you feel great about yourself?
  writing something that I know is good, waking up with nothing that needs to be done and lots of energy, and a fresh coat of adorable toenail polish
What would you regret not doing, being, or having in your life? 
    (a) doing: coming home 
    (b) being: loyal
    (c) having: photography
What’s something about yourself or your life that might surprise others to learn?
   people at work would be shocked to know what a pigpen my home office can be. My pet peeve at work is needing to touch something twice—having something at hand but needing to put it away until later to complete it. I would vastly prefer to handle it all at once. My workspace reflects that; only what I absolutely need is out, and everything else is tucked away tidily in its own spot. This sounds persnickety, but it's also practical: with an entire wall of windows, there is a realistic expectation that random strangers will observe my office any time of the day or night, so it HAS to stay clean and maintain confidentiality at all times.
    Yes, I'm a mess at (work at) home, because I can close the office door and curtains and just leave the disarray where no one else will ever see it. It's a relief. Anyone who knows me better in the non-work setting would not be surprised by that, but would laugh at the idea of me being a neat-freak when I'm working on-site. Just another dichotomy that I embody.
What’s your theme song? Why?
  does anyone have one song? My musical taste moves and changes too much, too often. Yesterday in the car I listened to Robert Plant's A Stolen Kiss on repeat. It's an undeniably sweet song loaded with hidden meanings. I then skipped to the next song and laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks.
What are you willing to struggle for?
  love, money, and the perfect shoes
What desires keep tugging at your heart?
   I wish I'd known Chris' family. At the time it sort of seemed like it would happen eventually. We joked about it, or talked around it—as we did about him meeting mine. Had things gone along like they were, it certainly would have happened. His life would have settled and he'd have gotten married; I'd have stood up for him, bewildering his bride and baffling his male friends but completing the circle for us in some ways. And he would have been involved in my life in so many ways.... I really miss him. 

[from here; the title quotation is by Cassandra Clare, from Clockwork Prince]

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