the soul shudders before oblivion and seeks connection at any price

from 87 Self-Reflection Questions for Introspection 

 

Would I break the law to save a loved one?  absolutely. No question.

Would I steal to feed a starving child?  yes

What do I want most in life?  happiness

What is life asking of me?  patience

Does it really matter what others think about me?  some others, it matters very much. In general, though: no.

To what degree have I actually controlled the course of my life?  after deliberately taking my hands off the wheel for the first 30-some years, I have redeemed myself over the last 15-ish. I moved house a few times, changed jobs, made and broke friendships and love affairs, traveled, tattooed, pierced, dyed, had a couple of surgeries.... I've set myself on this path intentionally, to the extent that anyone can.

When all is said and done, what will I have said more than I’ve done?  "fuck you"

My favorite way to spend the day is . . .  writing, reading, learning, being challenged, laughing

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is . . .  "you look way better than you think you do. Be careful with that, enjoy it, and don't fucking squander it - because it's soon enough lost."

The two moments I’ll never forget in my life are . . . becoming engaged and becoming separated

Make a list of 30 things that make you smile:  #sillyhashtags; squirrels or rabbits playing in the yard; cutout cookies when you can't tell what shape they are supposed to be; clever wordplay that does not involve puns; hand massage; warm bread with butter; hula girls on dashboards; lemonade stands; real mail; bubble baths with delicious scents; thank you notes for thank you notes; unlikely friendships; supercute velvet shoes; the male tendency to name their genitalia; Silver jeans; salty potato chips; unexpected selfies from my best friend; movie

captions that include every ridiculous detail; blue toenail polish; cupcakes with edible glitter; quarterback sneaks; holding hands during a movie; beer nuggets; inside jokes through the mail; triple plays; my dreams; sleeping kitty treads; knowing that I've made someone that I love laugh out loud; men's undies; tapioca pudding

The words I’d like to live by are . . .  "no regrets"

I couldn’t imagine living without . . .  possibility

When I’m in pain—physical or emotional—the kindest thing I can do for myself is . . .  stop interacting with people I love

What does unconditional love look like for you?  it's shaped differently, depending who it's with.

I really wish others knew this about me:  my outer shell is hard but not as thick as you might believe, and my squishy middle is incredibly tender

Name what is enough for you: it's nothing I could possibly describe, but I know it when it's happening

Name a compassionate way you’ve supported a friend recently:  a friend from grade school is going through cancer treatments. I would like to be there, or to do something, but there is not much that anyone can do. I have just been keeping in touch, sending her postcards that I've picked up here or there, or that friends have sent me to send on to her. Most of them just share a silly story from my past, or some detail that we might have missed when I was "living away." It's brought us closer together, and she says it gives her something to look forward to.

What do you love about life?  connection

What always brings tears to your eyes? 

     (Paulo Coelho said “Tears are words that need to be written.”) 

    there are some saved voicemails on my phone that mean a lot to me.

Write about a time when your work felt real, necessary and satisfying to you, whether the work was paid or unpaid, professional or domestic, physical or mental:  working at the public library was often like that. I was doing great work - really, top quality work - that was necessary not only for our library but for the consortium and for the library world as a whole, in the sense of contributing to OCLC as well. It was hugely satisfying: knowing what I was doing, where to go when I had questions, having colleagues that I trusted. There were new challenges all the time, with budget constraints and rush orders, the constant need to weed and reclassify and update the collection. We were dedicated to having an up-to-date collection not only in the intellectual sense (acquiring newly created materials) but also in the physical sense, replacing old and worn items and also cleaning up the jackets and cases of items that were still otherwise in good shape. Lots of libraries do not have that sort of mission and it helped us stand out as a quality library.

    I was paid well. It was hard work, don't get me wrong; I regularly left the building physically dirty and worn out, having moved shelves and rearranged books until my back and arms ached. If I had a dollar for every time I've run over my feet with a book cart or dropped a book on myself, I'd be rich. It was also hard in the mental and emotional sense, because it's easy to get personally involved in a small town library's collection, its patrons, and (don't get me started) its staff dramas. Three friends from there have died, including Chris. I met two guys through the library with whom I was involved for three or more years, though one did not work there. I also made some lifelong friends. 

    I loved working there. I left because I had to, because it was the right thing to do to come home and because there was no room for advancement with the management at the time. If I could go back, I would handle it differently. I miss some of my friends from there in ways I cannot describe. I miss that job so much that just writing about it here has me in tears. That was a good fit.

Using 10 words, describe yourself:  obstinate, loving, curious, lazy, different, thoughtful, thin-skinned, intrigued, restless, complex, difficult, non-compliant, romantic

 

[from here; the title quotation is by Hjalmar Soderberg from Doctor Glas]