Name someone you’ve hurt. Do you regret what you’ve done? 2:00 Man. Yes, I regret it - but I would not do it differently if I had it to do again.
Have you ever shown a bad side of yourself to someone you love? yes, of course. It's impossible to love someone and hide the things that really matter. One's own bad side matters. Willingness to be known, in bad ways as well as good, matters.
Name one of the traits you hate most about yourself. Why do you hate it? I wish I could be less open. I'm tired and sore from being hurt by my own openness.
What’s personality trait you hate in one of your close friends. ridiculous "independence" that is covering the obnoxious, egotistical assurance that no one else can do anything nearly as well. Rejecting the love of people who love you is pathetic. If you always want to be alone, why have friends at all?
Talk about one of your worst memories involving someone you love. it's been seven years since my friend Chris died. I don't remember that day except in pieces, little flashes of "before" and "realization" and "horror." I was with my college BFF and her husband (and daughter?) when I finally knew. That part of it, and the details like getting home (I must have driven? They offered that I should stay) and going on with my life afterward, are blurry.
What I do know about that night: I lost something inside myself that I will never get back. I'd have died if I hadn't been with those friends. My heart is still broken, though the sharper edges have mended over. Like a broken bone that doesn't quite set right, it still aches sometimes. I miss my friend.
Talk about a time you made an enemy. quite inadvertently, I made an enemy in my sophomore year of college when my boyfriend's girlfriend discovered my identity.
Please note that I did not know that there was a girlfriend, much less who she was, and that I ended it as soon as I knew.
In true small-college style, we had overlapping majors that required taking a few of the same classes and which involved a distressingly large number of group projects. She made sure my grades in those classes were completely destroyed.
All this because he cheated on her.
Have you ever ruined something good? Like a friendship, a good day, a possession, something sacred? naturally. Everybody's screwed up something and regretted it later. I've destroyed friendships because of ego, fear, or short-term dumb decisions that had greater ramifications. I've ruined good days - one especially stands out in my mind - by taking something too personally, by being selfish, or by turning inward when I need to be open. I've spoiled possessions by being hot-headed, thoughtless, or showboating. And I've upset the sacred with attention-seeking silliness, profanity, and a general lack of gratitude.
Have you ever been abandoned? Why do you think you were left behind? yeah - not necessarily because of me but that the person who did it needed to get away and couldn't figure out a decent way to say goodbye.
Talk about a person you like that really hates you. After thinking about this for several minutes, I have to say that I don't know that there's anyone who falls into this category. I don't expect everyone to like me, God forbid. There are people with whom I've wanted to connect who haven't been amenable. That's either something you accept or you spend your life feeling rejected.
Name a time you failed something and disappointed many people and/or embarrassed yourself. I lost my job this last June. It's a stretch to say that I "failed" but it was mortifying, distressing, and disappointing. I am embarrassed by it, for sure. And my financial circumstances are forever changed because of it.
What’s one of your most prized possessions that got destroyed or taken away? it seems weird, but the first thing that comes to mind is a couple of shirts that I used to own but haven't seen in ages. I apparently gave them up in the divorce. There was one sweater that I really miss, and a couple of plaid shirts.
What’s one of your worst childhood memories? around Thanksgiving the year I'd turned 12, my brother brought home a couple of orphaned kittens from the farm where he worked. If you knew my brother... Anyway, one of those kittens was a mostly Maine Coon female, and the other was a pure black male. The girl had sass and the boy had sweetness. I fell hard for those cats, and tried to spend as much time with them as possible.
On my 13th birthday, the boy was hit by a car and killed. I was devastated. There are photos of me, because it was my birthday. It's a rough memory.
To end on a better note: the girl lived for many more years, and is the source of many of my more positive recollections!
What’s a skill you’re trying to improve at even though you know you’re terrible? small talk. Introverts are notoriously bad at doing it themselves and frustrated by others doing it.
Do you ever do things to hurt yourself? Talk about a time you have. college, again, was a period during which I failed in myriad ways. I drank to excess, had class or worked 60-70 hours a week, slept very little, got almost no exercise beyond work and walking between classes, drove too fast (sometimes under the influence), and on and on. Some of that was the time and circumstances, but a lot of it was actually trying to hurt myself.
Talk about a traumatizing memory. the first time I drove out to The Mitten to visit my then-fiancé was pretty stressful. I'd never driven outside of my home state by myself (!) and I was intimidated by the 10+ hour trip, which took me through the biggest city in the Midwest. Getting there was not that bad, prehaps because I was excited about our reunion and about seeing A2 for the first time. The return trip, though, was absolutely awful. I didn't want to leave, he didn't want me to go, and after a thousand goodbyes I headed out several hours later than planned. And, worst of all, he gave me bad directions. There is what I later understood to be a little jog on a state highway before connecting up with the interstate...and he sent me north rather than south on that state highway. I had no sense of distance, though, so I drove a good hour before I realized that I was seeing completely new scenery than I had on the trip over there. After a panic attack, I got back on the road and started back West, two hours' driving added on to the already stupid-long trip. The good parts: I went through The Big City in the very early morning, so there was no traffic to speak of, and rather than going back to my college apartment, I went to Mom & Dad's. Mom made breakfast for me before she went to work, and I slept on their bed for a few hours before re-starting regular life.
It seems pretty silly now. Driving long distances and/or where I've never been before? No problem. Navigating myself? Easy. Recognizing when I'm off track and resetting? Simple. Not seeing my significant other for a while? Normal. At the time, though, at the end of my sheltered, quiet young life, it was a hell of a rough time.
Name someone you’ve failed. Name someone who’s failed you. What went wrong? How do you feel about them now? "failed" doesn't exist in my vocabulary, in this sense. Nobody owes me anything, and vice versa. Failure is about expectations and promises, which are pointless.
[from here; the title quotation is from John Steinbeck, in East of Eden]
No comments:
Post a Comment