great wits are to madness near allied And thin partitions do their bounds divide

1. If you were to name the two sides of your personality that are most contradictory, what would you say? 

    composure and impatience. Most of the time, I'm pretty chill. I can be still. I can get hit with a lot, and simply absorb. I can take negative feedback, complaints, or misfortune, understand it, and not overreact.

    Some of the time, though, the emotional space is full, and I can't take any more. I've waited without complaining for a very long time, and then one more minute seems intolerable. I've gotten bad news for a while, but one more syllable is too much. I've suffered through someone's complaining for as long as I've known them, but then they catch me at the wrong time, when I'm not prepared for what's coming, and their bitching sets me off. 

    These two traits, and the contradiction between them, don't please me, and certainly don't add up to me being a fully actualized adult with no problems. It's a pain to be too patient, which can equate to passivity or worse. It's also hard to be anxious, easily set off, or seemingly random in response to everyday stuff. But hey, that's me.

2. If you were to select the person most in touch with their own feelings, who would it be? 

    I have a friend, a former coworker, who is very much in touch with their feelings. This is not all it's cracked up to be, though. They are bothered (or tormented) by their feelings almost as much as they are comforted. I think it's another area of life where moderation is key. Spending too much time focused on one's own feelings, and thereby not enough time focused on what to do with them, is dangerous and can feel like obsession. Getting out of one's own head, or heart, is vital to health and happiness.

3. If you were to remember one time when you truly transcended your material life, when would you say it was? 

    it was hardly intentional, but the period after I lost my job when I was living on savings and eBay sales heralded a transformation of my attitude about material things. I clearly couldn't afford to acquire any on my own, gifts from anyone else seemed like charity or condescension, and it started to feel incredibly good to unburden myself of the things that surrounded me. That focus on Less, or maybe the reduced focus on More, has persisted.

4. If you were to say there was a time in your life when your emotional attachment to someone was detrimental, when would it be? 

    the three years that I was involved with Nick. The reaction between us was strained, intense, and fraught. There was some positive stuff going on there, but it was overshadowed by all sorts of ugh. I deeply regret having had the opportunity to participate in that mess, much less the willingness and even eagerness to do so.

5. If you could awaken one aspect of your personality that you had as a child and feel that you have since lost, what would it be? 

    as a child I was more sunny and carefree, less insecure and solitary. I'd like to have any of that back again, and most of all to be carefree is a strongly appealing fantasy. Adulthood is about losing some of that, I think, because without the protection of parents we need to be more aware of dangers and intent upon keeping our own self safe and secure. It's also about determining how much help and security provided by another person, or a relationship, is enough, and how much is too much.

6. If you could relieve yourself of one burden in life, what would it be? 

    besides the need to make and have money? Someone I can rely on to be there when I really need them, without always needing to ask. Asking for help has to be one of the worst, hardest, most painful feelings in the world.

7. If you had to pick an occasion when your subconscious gave you the best guidance, when would it be? 

    the funny thing about introverts is that, however much they appreciate the company of other

introverts from time to time, they have a really hard time making the first connection. 'Cause, y'know, somebody's gotta go first, and it's practically in the definition of introversion that "going first" is anathema. With that in mind ... I went out of my way to talk with one of my colleagues in the cube farm job, because I thought she was really cool and because she seemed to keep herself clear of the ridiculous work dramas. That turned out to be true—she's great company!

 

[from If: Questions for the Soul; the title quotation is by John Dryden, from Absalom and Achitophel]