I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, while the song I came to sing remains unsung.

    One of my plants apparently attempted suicide this weekend. I came downstairs Sunday morning and found it facedown in the kitchen sink, having leapt (or fallen, or been pushed) from the windowsill above. It seemed like a metaphor.
     The last couple of months have been, overall, sort of difficult. It's safe to say that I've suffered several of what could be kindly termed 'setbacks' is an understatement. My eyes have been forcibly opened to some truth that I would have rather not known. I'm starting to realize what "blissfully ignorant" really means.
     I finally came to understand that someone I'd liked from afar (very much so, from "very far") simply does not share my interest. It isn't a matter of "being ready" or any other convenient excuse; it would be too much to say he's not that into me--he's not into me at all.
     I tried, gently, again, to see (maybe have a grilled cheese with) the terminally oblivious (or, in the alternative, cruel--which is a prospect I still choose not to accept) lawyer, and once again hit the wall. As with every other interaction I've had with him (and yes, I realize that "interaction" implies that both of us were present and active, but it's close enough), the past year makes me wonder what the Hell he wanted, meant to do, thought he was doing, was doing, and thought later that he had done.
     Over Christmas, I had the opportunity to see someone I haven't seen in half a lifetime. The person who, probably without knowing it, nearly helped me break up my marriage before it even started. For some reason, though, we both cancelled the plan to see each other. Is it all water under the bridge? Is it too late? Have we gone too far, knowing each other too well to be "normal" anymore? Or was it just winter weather and a sick relative and we really will do it some other time?
     'Things' with the delivery guy seem to have careened to a stop, probably gradually over several months but seemingly during the course of a six-hour conversation. Don't get me wrong; it's a good thing. But just because it's good and right doesn't mean it's not hard and sad and awful, too. There is more to it than even just the end of this long, thoughtless habit. Other people, money, criminal activities, time (not that it's "wasted" because it's not "spent" or "invested", just lived), and some ineffable, indescribable others, too. Sorting that one out would take a while. Not sure if it's necessary. Not sure if I'm willing.
     Finally, yesterday, I found out that theloveofmylife™️ is going to be a father in a couple of months. The specifics don't matter as much as the sheer surprise that the news received. I literally had not imagined that such a thing would happen. Would it be easier if I'd imagined it, though? Would I have been "prepared"? I didn't really believe that he was 'coming back'--there is no back to come, and too much has changed in each of us and in life to be there again.
     I suppose I just thought I wouldn't have to know.

[The title quotation is by Rabindranath Tagore.]

many things grow in the garden that were never sown there

aloe. It seems to be outgrowing its pot. I hope it'll hold off on needing a new home until spring.

Ziggy Marley (Bob's first son). He's grown new tiny limbs since winter began - you can see a couple of them at the bottom of this photo.

I've had this climber since college. Its health waxes and wanes. At the moment (knock on wood) it's humming along nicely.

God. Only. Knows. It looked like a little palm when I bought it, toward the end of summer. It seems to like the  circumstances here - it seems to be going a little bonkers. The fronds are light but almost razor-sharp at the edge; the plant itself has divided into 3 bulb-like protrusions at the base.

It looks like pea pods, but each "limb" weighs too much to stand on its own anymore. No clue what it might be.

I've never had good luck with ivy. In fact, there's another upstairs that's on death's door. This one, though, seems to be going like gangbusters, including growing into the contents of the duck mug.

The jade (left) is flourishing from being ignored. The sharp-edged aloe (right) is becoming overly large and wobbly but seems healthy enough for now. I sense repotting in my future here, too.

The Christmas cactus is at the end of the blooming season. They were some gorgeous blossoms.  It desperately needs a larger home.

We have SPROUT! The first avocado (Avo), the only one with a root, has finally launched a sprout. (If it's not visible at this size, click the photo for detail.) The sprout needs to reach something like 6" before I can pot it in soil. So much waiting! 

The Plant That I Forget To Water.

There is now a plant at the top of the stairs. I'm thinking of adding a few more. This one seems to be doing all right.

[detail of previous]

[title quotation by Thomas Fuller, from Gnomologia]

I was good. I was really good.

1. The 12th edition of the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, published [the month that this meme originally came out], has 400 new entries including the words sexting, cyberbullying, jeggings, and mankini. If you could create your own word to add to the dictionary, what would it be and what would its definition be?
   
   outch
   
   [Pronunciation: /aʊtʃ/
   exclamation, used to express severe psychic and/or sympathetic pain:
   "Outch! I can imagine how much it hurt when he blatantly flirted with you for several hours in that bar and then inexplicably never called you again."
2. Summer's Eve, the company that sells feminine cleansing products, has a new advertising campaign that promotes the vagina as all-powerful, the cradle of life, the center of civilization, and the thing men battle over. "Hail to the V," the company says. What is your reaction to this ad campaign?
   
   *gag*
   
   Not that it's not a nice idea, but, really? Think about what they're selling. Really think about the. product. that. They. are. Selling. If what they're saying were utterly true, would they need to over-hype it so much?
   I truly hate the phrase "it is what it is" - what else could it be, after all? - but in this case...yeah. It's nothing to be ashamed about, or afraid of, but it's also nothing to have a party over. It just...is.
3. Burger King announced...that it was retiring its mascot who peeped into windows and popped up next to people in bed in commercials. Some people found the king creepy. What did you think?
   As much as I relish the idea of waking up in bed next to someone I hadn't invited to be there...yeah, nevermind. Creepy is right.
4. The people in the Burger King commercials were happy when the king showed up with breakfast. How would you react to him showing up at your house?
   I think I'd pretend I wasn't here. That's my M.O. under normal circumstances.
5. Actor Jim Carrey posted a video love letter to actress Emma Stone on his blog.... If you were to post a love letter to a celebrity (whether it's serious or a joke), who would you write it to?
   probably Robert Sean Leonard. I've seen several of his works lately, from way-back-when (Dead Poets Society, Swing Kids) to the "middle years" (Much Ado About Nothing) and of course House, M.D. Besides being a really good actor (his Neil Perry in DPS is devastating - the title quotation is him, from here), he's just plain hot.
6. Jim Carrey is 49, and Emma Stone is only 23. How big can an age difference between a couple be before it becomes too creepy?
   it completely depends on their ages. Are they both over 18 the whole time? Has the relationship been carried out in an otherwise "above-board" manner? Meaning, has any of it been hidden because of the age difference? Or is it just another relationship, made more interesting by other peoples' fascination with numbers?
   Look: this is both something that I cannot understand in the slightest, and also something that I feel extremely strongly about. Too many people have FAR too much interest in other peoples' business. I don't give one flip about 90% of the topics that pass for 'news' today, much less 'leisure' or even 'sports' (since that's so often 'gossip' anyway!) But I really, really do have an emotional reaction to someone else telling me that my affection and attention toward someone else - when that someone is legally responsible for their actions, and their reactions to my actions - is 'wrong'. There is, to be true, no more likely way to achieve my deep wrath.
7. Hurricane Irene [wrecked] havoc on the East coast. How would you feel if a hurricane shared the same name as you?
   there have likely been a few, given the placement of my name in the alpha. I haven't checked to see if it's still in the rota; since I don't live in the target zone, it's not a particular concern of mine.
8. What is your definition of "normal?"
   usually "whatever I'm not"
9. An Associated Press movie critic has listed her five favorite high school comedy movies -- "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," "Rushmore," "Sixteen Candles," "Election," and "Heathers." What is your favorite movie about life in high school?
   Dazed and Confused. Each time I see it, I see greater depth and more intelligence and truth revealed.
   Of the above, I've seen the first three; Fast Times is a farce, Rushmore is as wonderful and surreal and pointless as all of Wes Anderson's movies (and Jason Schwartzman is, holy crap, fantastic), and Sixteen Candles - as much of a heartbreaking watershed moment in my history as it represents - is just another teenage movie.
10. [The weekend that this meme came out] the comedy "Our Idiot Brother" opens in movie theaters across the United States. Have you ever had to help a relative out of an idiotic situation?
    no...I was probably that guy, even.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

he fed his spirit with the bread of books

    Searching my image archives for a photo of something else, I came upon these pictures from my home library. They made me, simultaneously, homesick and a little nauseated (at least the first couple). Can you imagine trying to find something here, quickly? The building itself is very impressive, though, and brings back lots of good memories (some of which even have to do with reading...).

Fiction stacks

"The art room" - which also shelves some classes of nonfiction,  if I recall correctly, as well as their circulating artworks.

The view from the art room toward (adult) media

The view from the art room toward Reference

More of Reference from that same vantage point

Detail of the rotunda ceiling

[Title quotation by Edwin Markham]

empty.

“In a deteriorating love affair, you may be deeply torn 

between the choice of holding on or letting go.  If you remain indecisive, the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill.  You should make a quick determination whether to hold on by fighting or let go by retreating.
“Holding on unsuccessfully is like clenching your fist tighter and fighter until your knuckles turn white.  Letting go is like opening your fist.  It feels better, but your hand is empty.”

[unknown]

Yep.

tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

"Never forget that you must die; that death will come sooner than you expect... God has written the letters of death upon your hands.  In the inside of your hands you will see the letters M.M.  It means Memento Mori - remember you must die."  

~J. Furniss, Tracts for Spiritual Reading

    I believe it is probably unhealthy to always live one's life that way, to never forget that one must die. But the converse is also true, and perhaps more damaging overall, and in the short run to be sure. I must die. (I know not when, or how, or how reconciled....) But, knowing and attempting to be reconciled with that, I can make choices today, for today and tomorrow.
     The concept of Memento Mori has risen in the last four books that I've read. Four. Doesn't that seem strange? And I'm not reading about "death" per se. Nor am I reading books that have the slightest to do with each other. Two fiction, two nonfiction, on completely unrelated subjects. And Memento Mori.

[title quotation by Mary Oliver, from "The Summer Day"]

our greatest gift is the thunder of silence

    It's beginning to look a lot less like Christmas - indoors, anyway. I'm taking down my decorations. It's a surprisingly complication process, given that I don't really seem to have decorated too wildly. There's just so much of it: two trees now, plus the lights on Bob's bar stool. Ornaments on nearly all of the plants (or their pots, if the plants themselves didn't want to hold them). It's also obvious that I had help taking all those things out of the tiny boxes, bags, and packages where I store them, but am putting it all back on my own. It's still nice, and I love all these things and the memories they hold, and I still mostly love Christmas, too. I'm just...tired.
     And it'll be good to have my place back to normal. Just in time for the real winter to start. As much as I've enjoyed this false spring we've had since autumn ended, winter's coming tomorrow night, hard. Good for the guys who make their extra money plowing snow, I guess. And good for those of us to whom they owe that money.

[title quotation by Joel Goldsmith]

the truth is more important than the facts

1. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? If yes, how often?
   Yes, many times. It wasn't exactly a point of pride (as with some of my friends), but more a means to an end. I wanted to drink, that's where the drinks were, so that's where I went.
2. After Obama, who do you think will be the next president?
   I think it's likely to be someone from the same party.
   A digression: it's a sign of extraordinarily intellectual laziness in thinking to say things like, "We should throw them all back and start over." If politics is that much of a problem, then commit yourself to working to change the system itself. If you can't be bothered, then don't also be bothered to be so terribly negative and dismissive, while also implying that you know something that the rest of us obviously do not. There are others among us who actually believe that the system can work. Is that really so awful?
3. Do you believe places can really be haunted?
   no, but I believe that some people can really believe it - or that people can really feel particularly close to those who have passed, more so in specific places and with certain sorts of things around. To me that's not "haunted" so much as "connected."
4. Kimber is flying to [the north] to finally meet Berleen. What do you think about space travel?
   meh. "The space program" bored me, and certain family members' overwhelming enthusiasm for it seemed oddly misplaced. Yet I recognize that scientific research that was done in space had significant ramifications for life on terra firma, so I shouldn't cavil in the name of practical reality...much.
5. What if had exactly one year to live. What are the three things you'd want to do before you died?
   
   1. Tell every person that I love, face to face, that I love them, complete with real hugs. (I very much enjoyed a real hug from my old friend Sleek last week - he stopped by the place of peanut-earning just before 'No Friends May Visit' takes effect, thank goodness... - and our goodbye hug was punctuated by an actual bone-crack in my back. So awesome!)
   2. Make provision for what I have, I suppose, after throwing the majority of it the fuck away.
   3. Try to make arrangements with Gilligan for that 3-hour tour. To literally sail off into nowheresville (well, except that the freakin' Harlem Globetrotters might show up) seems an attractive way to exit.
6. What if you could take one thing back. What would that one thing be? What is something you said, something you stole, something you did wrong?
   only one thing? Thinking of it strictly in terms of 'if I'd known then what I know now', I wouldn't have responded to the first message from Brian from Mad-town. If I hadn't done that - besides avoiding what happened with him, of course! - I'd also have been saved what happened with Ulysses for the [yes, seriously] four succeeding years.
7. Other than emergencies, do you think the cell phone is more intrusive than convenient?
   'the cell phone' doesn't really exist anymore, in the separate, obtuse sense. It's too ingrained into the cultural framework. If it's intrusive, it's because we've made it so. All of us. ALL of us. We've made it, allowed it, encouraged it, to be so. We've forgotten that they have an "off" button. We check them all the time. We use them as a substitute for natural human interaction. Just like we do with Facebook.
   Just like we do with blogs.
8. You are stuck on an island forever due to a plane crash. Like Lost without Harley or anybody else. But you find all the water, food and shelter you needed. What would be the three other things would you want with you?
   iPod. Hand lotion. And Kindle.
9. We've decided you can change one thing about the world. What would that one thing be?
   no more crying over men (i.e. broken hearts).
10. What if a million dollars fell off a back of a truck. Would you keep it?
    if there were absolutely no way it could be traced back to me, Hell yeah. I'm not proud. I'd farm some of it out to the friends I could trust (all 4 of you) and keep the rest in a pickle bucket in the closet. We could pay the fuck out of some bills, couldn't we?

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation by Frank Lloyd Wright]

everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody

A newer reader - who is also a friend from way back - has relaunched The Interview Game. I've known bgm, who blogs at Sledding with Rosebud, since we were...wow, in elementary school, I think. In the course of recent conversations about our blogs, we contemplated various ideas to have more input on content for each others' sites, and this was one of the plans we had. I hope it answers your thoughtful questions, B., and that it suitably entertains the rest of y'all.

1. Your experiences in the realm of relationships have ranged from sublime to surreal. It might be tempting to become self-critical, but what do you see in yourself as a real treasure?
   "That's your first question? I thought this was supposed to be a puff piece." (It's a Zissou quote.) Don't be fooled--I am legitimately self-critical. All the time. To be fair, though, I probably was that way even before I started racking up relationship stories that are infinitely more surreal than sublime.
   I am a good listener. I can be fully quiet, attentive, thoughtful. I can ask the right questions or say nothing at all when the situation merits it. I am perfectly comfortable with silence, too, when that's mutually agreeable. I don't need to be entertained (although I've come to realize that it's sometimes easier to be entertained than to explain why I don't require it). When I am with my friends - real friends, people about whom I really care - there is nowhere else I would rather be.
2. It's a jungle out there, and we tend to wear masks to protect ourselves. Do you have a particular mask that protects you most often?
   “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” [Oscar Wilde]
   It depends. At work, there are various, one for each audience. Most often, I am probably "super-efficient, slightly cranky, and my tasks mysterious to every onlooker." At the rare times when I need to venture into the public areas, I effect a mien of blandness and boredom that is confusing enough that I am almost never presumed to actually work there. (Thank God.) In meetings, I am the one who sits in the back corner, muttering clever comments (or writing them in the margins of my agenda), making my friends laugh and getting them into trouble. I always look like the innocent one....
   Within my family of origin, I just try to stay out of it. Silence, 95% of the time, is golden, so I bite my tongue a lot. Nobody "wins" arguments that start from there anyway.
   Socially, I can be The Snark (most often), The Flirt (which is the hardest to admit), and The Lawyer. I'm sure there are others, but those are the big three that leap to mind. The Snark makes sharp fun wherever possible, particularly at herself. Although she's witty and funny, undeniably, there's also an edge that leaves a bitter taste. The Flirt - does it go without saying? - gets me into ridiculous trouble with ridiculous, inappropriate people (and sometimes even appropriate people crossing lines left and right). I could have called that one "Absence of Impulse-control" because it's more than just flirting, veering (although thankfully not too far, anymore) into the entire manic realm. Driving too fast (always), spending without considering the ramifications, drinking to excess. Adolescent behavior that's hard to countenance in an adult. And The Lawyer, while sometimes fascinating and something of which to be proud, is also hard to control and embarrassing at times. It's intellectually pulling rank, often out of the blue, and doesn't have to relate to the law. Every lawyer does this. Push me too hard, push at the wrong time, or push someone I care about in the wrong way, and I'll use my brain and my mouth to murder you - or just make you wish you were dead. There are times when The Lawyer is particularly handy (e.g. after waiting too long in line or on hold, or when dealing with another lawyer, or with someone who's underestimated me based on some preconceived notion that's utterly false) and I wouldn't wish it away, but I also wish it were easier to control once it comes out. For that matter, The Snark's got a mind of its own and travels on greased wheels, and so does The Flirt.
3. No one struggles alone. If there was one trait you value most in a friend, what would that be?
   My best friends are smart and clever (fast wit, fast thinkers), book-lovers, aesthetes who like food and music and art (even if we disagree about what "art" means) and clothes and shoes and nail polish. They like salons where they are treated well - to say "pampered" implies a degree of indulgence that is inaccurate, but to say that they appreciate a good haircut, products that keep their skin soft and smelling nice, and people who treat them like they belong, that's more like it. And of course they love me to distraction.
   But what one trait do I value the most in them? Each of them loves animals. And when you think about it, loving animals - whether or not you live with them, bring them into your home, buy their kibble or change their box or muck their stall or supply carrots when they meep - means that you have room in your heart for someone who might not be able to give back what you give to them. But you care for them anyway, just because you can, and you do, and that's the kind of person you are, who you are capable of being. What better kind of people could I choose to be around? How much more forgiving, hopeful, loving friends could I have, than that?
4. The time machine awaits. Thankfully, no matter what you do in the past, nothing will have an effect on the march of history. Who do you go back and see, what experiences do you want to live through, or what time period and place beckon to you?
   Brace yourself.
   I want to go to Ireland in 1912 or so, and stay there through the early 1930s. I want to see, for myself, what Partition did, and meant, to real people. And what the war was like, and how wrong my ideas of power and nationalism and patriotism are.
   And then I want to go to Spain, for the Civil War. While I'm there, I want to punch Hemingway in the face, but that's another story. I want to see just how much Germany helped Franco - and set the stage for Franco (and Spain) to help Germany a few years later. And I kind of want to punch Franco in the face, too.
   And then I want to go to Switzerland during the war (WWII). I know they did so much, and I want to go back and catch 'em.
5. Life amongst books isn't all bad. Aside from the obvious exposure to books, what about your current employment do you find bearable, or even pleasurable?
   Friends, old and new. I've met some of the best people in my life there, or because of there. I mean, I can't take it back to butterfly theory, but a lot of great people have come into my life because I've been there. Three of my best friends. An ex-boyfriend, who is if nothing else a source of surreal stories. And a couple of other good guy friends.
   I've also gained some skills. Admittedly, not too many of them are transferable to any other field, since what we do is so specific. And odd. And fraught with shelf-life.
   Those books, though - they're awesome!

[title quotation by Mark Twain, from Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894]

you must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you

    Eight years. I've been writing this thing for eight years. It's funny to think about it that way. I've hardly been sitting at this desk for that long, straight - although it certainly seems like it sometimes, when the words won't come though I can sense them in the back of my mind, taunting me. I love the blog, the fact that it's here, the feelings that I still get, wandering back through the archives and reliving the places that I've been and the people that I've known. What a collection. What a journey.
     Thanks for sharing this with me. Keep commenting and sending messages; feedback helps. And I'll keep trying to make it better.

[title quotation by Ray Bradbury]