I have conquered it. No more virus! :) No more spyware! :) OK, so it took me 4 1/2 days and required consultations with two geeks, but I did it. My history degrees haven't melted my brain (nor did the meeting on Monday, eh, Cat?).
[Incidentally, I highly recommend bleepingcomputer.com for do-it-yourself virus-killing, if you're so inclined.]
Now, it's time to start planning my vacation. I'm leaving in...36 hours for a 10-day trip. Ah, procrastination.