So. I had sushi for the second time this weekend. By which I mean, I ate sushi this weekend, for the second time in my life. I had promised that I would do it, because the first time was a rather unsatisfactory circumstance for all involved. I was not all that enthusiastic in the first place, and the specimen that I received was unfortunately chock-full of cream cheese, of which I am not fond. Apparently the face that I made while trying to chew it...and swallow it...was the stuff of legend. Anyway, I agreed that I would try it again (in fact, I think that I actually offered to try it again, which says something about how totally open-minded I am about this--since when do I offer to try any food item that I don't already know that I like?!? Who can vouch for me here: Heidi? D?) and Saturday was the day.
The thing was placed on my plate immediately upon receipt of said plate. I wanted to create a sort of "base coat" in my tummy of other food (e.g. Pork Mei Fun), just in case.... I was briefly scorned for that, but I know my inner workings better than anyone, so I was not to be deterred. My companion's sushi was dispatched in no time, albeit not without significant stress; it was a hot wasabi day. Tears, red eyes, flushed cheeks, brief but heart-felt flailing, raised eyebrows throughout, and some gasping. All the while, I looked on, thinking, "And I would want to do this, why?!" I calmly ate my chicken with broccoli. I poked at my cashew chicken. I made inroads on my pepper steak. Then the serious teasing began. I had to eat the sushi.
I picked it up. It weighed a ton! There was no way I could jam that entire thing into my mouth and chew it and swallow it, all in one bite. It was the equivalent of a double shot--my mouth just isn't that big! I knew I would have to do it in two. That made it even more intimidating. I wanted to tear/cut it in two, but with the nori (sp?) my only option was to bite it.
I held it, though, in my fingers, staring at it, willing myself to just EAT the damned thing, for so long that the rice started to wilt. My companion grew edgy, and annoyed, and finally said, "You're not going to do it."
Oh, yes I am.
Only, at that same moment he was trying to throw a cigarette into his mouth. Don't ask me why. He just does it sometimes. Usually with far greater skill than he had that day. He was bouncing the thing off his nose, forehead, chin, eyebrow, ear, shoulder, and chest. It even hit his teeth a couple of times. It just wasn't happening, and it was hilarious. I finally said I would eat the fucking sushi when he threw the cigarette in his mouth. He perked up immediately; there's nothing like a challenge to a German.
I even gave him a paraphrase of a wonderful Caddyshack line: "be the cigarette" (which, ironically, was referenced today in Deadspin, reminding me to write this post).
Well, needless to say, the cigarette flew into his mouth on the 4th try after that (after around 30 failures previous). And then I bit off the first half of my sushi. And started chewing. And then MY LIPS BURNED OFF MY FACE because most of the wasabi had stayed on my lips through that chewing maneuver. Hadn't anticipated that one. Damn it.
I thought I would die. He was laughing. Smoking and laughing. While I chewed and thought about dying. And drank fucking Pepsi because they don't have Coke and I'm always too stupid to order hot tea even though that would have been perfect right then. Yargh.
The worst of it? I had to eat the other half.
No. The worst of it, really? When he said, "I wish I'd had my camera."
Just got to love the sushi experience. I don't think it's "me".
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