maybe if you're free, I could use

I wish I could understand...

• ...the whole notion of Christian fiction as a popular genre. The "inspiration" part of it, I get. It's the overtly preachy-ness that consistently amazes me; even the most religious people I know (and you know who you are, you three!) cannot tolerate (yes, I use that word loosely and with a certain sense of whimsy) that sort of manipulative intrusion. There's just something about the look of these book covers--the bonnets and the pious expressions--that makes me want to bite something until it bleeds.
• ...science.
• ...Spanish, as it is spoken by those whose native language it is, in this area. In the same way that I feel like my mouth was put together improperly to speak French, I feel like my ears were constructed in such a way that Spanish runs through my head like rocks in a tumbler, coming out pretty and shiny but no less rock-like.
• ...how to make more money, spend less money, or use the money that I have to make more money so that I can spend the same money without needing to make more money. In other words, I'm fucking broke again. Still. Whatever.
• ...men.
• ...why I can decorate a cake so that it looks good enough that you don't want to cut it; or dismantle, repair, and reassemble a dryer when I discover that it is not working as well as it could be; string beads that are almost too small to discern from specks on the cloth; or talk on a cell phone and open a can of Coke while changing the CD and driving my manual transmission car in traffic; but I cannot polish my toenails without blobbing polish all over creation, or apply eye-liner without looking like--well, trust me, it's just bad.
• ...how to take really good photographs of some of the things that I would love to have really good photographs of, e.g.: fish, my feet, beaded jewelry, and things in my parking lot. I should have paid attention all those years ago in the classes that I took with D & r.
• ...my coworkers' particular individual brands of idiocy, so that when they express it (them), I could better mask my dismay and/or horror. I work with some of the most car-wreck dense people on the planet!
• ...the deeper reasons behind my lack of motivation in the direction of 'personal improvement.' I've had vague notions in the directions of exercise and organization for a while. A long while. (Maybe forever?) Anyway, I'm not getting any closer to it, though I occasionally stop to wonder why. Is this a step in the right direction, or is it only so much additional navel-gazing?
• ...why the person who is currently the most angry with me feels justified in being so. I did not start it. I did not hold anything out of the discussion. I did not intensify everything to the uncomfortable degree that it eventually attained. The most for which I can be held accountable is acquiescing in something that I knew would not end well. And neither did you. So who is really 'the most wrong' here? Seriously, why are you so angry, as if you had something emotional invested? Isn't that my point?!
• ...serials controls in SIRSI. Oh, my, God. There has never been anything in my professional realm that has been designed to be so utterly confusing. (Adequate training would be nice, too, but even more imaginary!)
• ...how I got to this place. Physical, metaphysical, whatever. I just don't understand.