migraine-induced photo-happy football rant

    You may have seen this coming. Maybe it's a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe it's just a hint that I'm hitting the sauce a little too hard, or that the "migraines" are really a "tumor". All I know is, I've been watching a LOT of goddamned football lately. I mean, a sickeningly large amount of fucking football. Like, numerous games of professional football, each and every week. I'm watching the standings. I now know the over-under. I am not kidding you. I am a bigger freak about this than all my female friends combined, which is saying something. (Hee hee. Ahem. Hee?)
    But some of it is, truly, you've got to admit, hilarious. And I never would have paid the least bit of attention if it weren't for the pro stuff. For instance, the Ladies of Ladies..., who are both hysterical and extremely knowledgeable both about sports and about men. (And about food, I might add.) And now I read about it in the newspaper. And in SI. And I yap about it nonstop at work. And then there's Deadspin, which brings us to today's bit. Without further ado, Toothpicks: One Way To Give the QB Happy Feet:

    When you're in high school, pranks are pretty much the only thing worth doing, save for maybe masturbation. And when you can combine that with football rivalries, you've got a recipe for happiness. Until the cops come.
    Five kids in Michigan have confessed to sabotaging a football field before an upcoming game ... with toothpicks!

    State police say five students are responsible for planting thousands of toothpicks in a high school football field. The students from Oscoda confessed to sticking about 5,000 toothpicks in the Tawas Area High School turf last week.
    Players warming up for a game against Alcona noticed the toothpicks, which forced the game to be moved 37 miles north to Alcona County.

This explains pretty much every time we've watched Rex Grossman go back to pass.
[Students Confess to Planting Toothpicks {MLive} {via The Wizard of Odds}]

    This made me laugh aloud for a variety of reasons. First, because it was reported in MLive, which is the equivalent of making Big City News by learning to whistle. Second, Will's just got a way with words.
    But more importantly, anytime Rex Grossman gets ripped, it's funny. I think he's a fairly attractive but terribly stupid QB. I have no idea how he kept his job for so long. And I share the following for the specific enjoyment of a couple of people, and the distracted shuddering of a few others.
    If there is one place you go online (not during work hours, please), try the Uncyclopedia. Start at Rex Grossman's page. I was crying with laughter the first...and second...and every subsequent time that I read it.
    Like I said, Rex is a fairly attractive guy:

and he can even be kind of heroic at times, as he was prior to the taking of the above photograph. Sometimes he appears more contemplative, as in this picture...
...in which he is either talking or about to swallow a large gray object which may be a microphone.
    However, he has been known to be completely inept as a QB - which is, after all, his job, for which he is paid a boatload of money, and which is an activity that isn't all that hard. Even a guy from Louisiana can do it, after all!
    See Rex? See Rex fumble?

Bad Rex. Bad.

    Happily, my hero - Brian Griese, the god - has stepped in (saying those immortal words, "Enjoy being number two, fucker!”) (not really) (but it would be funny if he did) and started righting the ship. Because this is kind of, metaphorically, what was happening to the Bears under Sexy Rexy's leadership:

which is just not really what the Bears are looking for. I don't think. I could be wrong, but I'm not. I don't think.

    So. As I said, Griese stepped up and did what needed to be done...

    And now everybody's happy. Except for Rex. Which doesn't matter.
    Happy toothpicking!