happy is, indeed, relative

    A couple of years ago I was in a very bad place. There were a few friends that I was going to, over and over, asking the same questions in as many different ways as words would allow, searching for answers that they couldn't give me. One of them turned it around and asked me some questions - hard ones, the kind that I didn't think I was ready for, the sort that overwhelmed me and pissed me off and freaked me out. Gamely, though, I sat down to answer. This was the fifth of, I don't know, maybe 10?

    I don't know whether my answer was so good at the time. I don't know if it was my brain or just momentum that answered it, to be honest. But, in the process of doing some other things today, I saw this answer for the first time in a long time, and it whapped me over the head. Holy crap! I was on the right track! Check it out!  

    r wrote: "[You say] 'I need to understand what will make me happy.' Well, what will make you happy?"

    I want to have enough money to buy books, music, some clothes and jewelry. I want to live close enough to see my parents every couple of months at least. I want a job that I don't hate, but something that's not going to grind me down and to which I don't have to wear a suit or show up on time. I want a few very close friends, but fewer barely-friends who take more energy than they're worth. I want the time and money to take pictures and to read a lot. I want frequent sex with the same person (or perhaps the same couple of people--not at the same time!), but maybe not a husband because I want to be by myself a lot of the time. I want to spend time with people who don't buy the bullshit lines I throw, who don't believe me when I say I'm not worthy, who are willing to argue with me. I want friends who will fight with me, shake me when I'm being stupid --but who will drop the less important stuff to be by my side when I need them, because I would do that for my friends.
    I want a place to live that's quiet and out of the way, in the sense of not being on a busy street or in a crowded complex. It doesn't have to be large or elaborate, and in fact something simple would be preferable to a big place that requires a lot of maintenance. Safety is important.
    I want a car that I'm comfortable with all the time. I'm not sure that the current vehicle fits the bill, because I sometimes have trouble with it in the winter. If I'm the only one who's responsible for it, I might want an automatic rather than a manual.
    All of these things are fairly practical considerations, though. What really matters is this: I want to not be unhappy, to not be uncomfortable, anymore. I feel like a bird walking on land. I want to fly again.

    Isn't that fantastic? Most of it is true, right now. The parts of it that aren't...well, some of them are still important, and are either in the works or are things that I'm still considering. My priorities have been reevaluated in the last couple of years (at the time that I wrote this, I was pretty newly single) so some of this is less important now than it was then.
    But I think it's very cool that I saw what I wanted, and that I wrote it so clearly, and that now - I have it.