- "Professional Driver. Closed course. Do not attempt." If you have to flash that disclaimer on advertising for your automobile, then I can't do that in your automobile, so why should I want to buy your motherfucking automobile?! It's asinine. And if you can't show me, using a non-professional driver, on an open course, something that I can attempt, that will make me want to buy your motherfucking car, then it is not worth buying.
- Pedestrians who refuse to follow--or simply do not know--traffic laws need to stay out of the road. Picture this: a 4-way stop. It's early morning, the time at which a lot of people seem to be in cars driving from home to work or school. On one corner, a 20-something woman holding a leash attached to a Very Large Dog. She steps off the curb into the crosswalk. What does this mean for us?
- My 12-hour cold medicine lasts for about 4 hours. Does this mean that I should be saying Goodbye instead of snarking?
- What I want: someone to take my damned car and sell it for me. I don't care who, or how, or to whom. I don't care AT ALL. I just want the thing out of my sight, gone, never to be seen again, done, something I don't have to think about or worry about or deal with ever, ever again. Get it away.
- At the same time (not literally), I want someone to buy my new car. I don't give a shit about my credit rating and all the other reasons for me to buy the thing myself. I just want to be driving something that I know will have 4 wheels during and after each trip that I make, and that doesn't make me want to hurl things in anger just because it's taunting me with its ubiquity. I've been fucking around with this sell and buy thing for so far too long, and it was never something that I wanted to do (i.e. to take part in - I always wanted it to be settled).
- While we're at it, a new apt. for ~$200 less per month, utilities included, that is both quieter and darker, with at least off-street parking (garage preferred), and both W/D and a dishwasher (OMG, heaven!) would be lovely. And for everybody I know to be available on the same day to help me move, and for the financials to work out so that I don't have to swing a credit card loan to pay 1st, last & security while waiting for the returns from this place. And lots of sun during the day for my plants.
- If not all that, can I at least have a really, really good remainder of November? I think I've earned it.
That's right. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e stops. No cars move. Does she immediately take her turn--which she started, after all, by stepping off the curb and into that crosswalk, indicating her intention to cross that street? No. She does not. She stands there, seemingly attempting to make eye contact with every driver (there are, by this point, at least 6 drivers beaming laser-like death-rays into her cutesy stocking-capped head) before she makes another twitch.
Seriously. Lady: cross the street, or Get. Out. Of. The. Way.
Finally, after dithering (half a step forward, half a step back, and...repeat....) for an insanely long period of time, she crosses the damned road. By this time, I could not have been alone in thinking (a) it would have been a Hell of a lot easier for me to have just gone through the intersection before her; (b) how can anyone so young (and with such a very large dog) walk so unbelievably slowly?; (c) I will die before this interaction ever ends, holy crap, get out of the way; and (d) "stupid [bleep]".