love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

Deep Questions

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
   the latter, I suppose--though it would depend upon what the feeling is that's being conveyed
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
   it was a work thing. Yes, I still feel the same way.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
   this is such an outlandish question, it's hard to answer. Um, I definitely wouldn't call Fluffy, because her phone wouldn't be charged or turned on, or it wouldn't be next to her at the moment. And I wouldn't call my parents because they already know anything I'd say at that point anyway, so what's the good in freaking them out? Ditto with The Cat, because our phone calls tend to be either very silly or very practical, and I wouldn't want to leave her with something decidedly unlike either of those things. I wouldn't call college BFF, because I would literally be unable to speak, which would render the whole process pointless. (I tend to get a little choked up at times anyway, and she brings out all the good and a lot of the sensitive in me.)
   So I think I'd call my brother. I might not "tell him" anything. I might just see what's new, talk for a bit, and leave it at that. He'd know.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
   what's to be afraid of? Nothing's there in the dark that's not there in the light. I would spend my days doing exactly as I wish--within reason. Nothing too crazy, but also nothing rule-abiding or dull. And I would share the information selectively, as needed.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
   Trust. There is no love without it anyway, and it does so much more than that.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
   I DO save the dog's life. Because that's the sort of person that I am, and because life's too fucking short to spend worrying and not doing.
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
   if those are not one in the same, then I'm doing something seriously wrong
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
   depends. Most of my "best friend" situations are with married women, with whom it would be decidedly surprising to have such a conversation. The ones that aren't are with men who are either in relationships or Not That Way with me. It would be wholly weird, in any case, and I would not be amenable.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
   Jesus, what a question. The last person I know who passed away did so after a sudden but very painful illness. Would I wish another hour of that? Never! But would I wish another hour of his real life, for him and for his loved ones? I would. And I would give a year of my life for that, gladly.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
    sometimes yes, sometimes no
11. Does love = sex?
    one of the definitions of love is sexual, so it's not unexpected to understand it that way. Love isn't always "about" sex, and sex certainly doesn't always have even the slightest bit to do with love. They're not the same thing. But they're often not easily understood without the other, too.
12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
    oh, Hell no. Primarily because there's absolutely no point; nothing would be served by such generosity or foolhardiness. But also because my job is not duplicated, so my sacrifice would literally be in vain.
    Anyway, in this economy one would have to be literally insane to give up one's employment for that sort of "principle."
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
    I tell others exactly how I fell all the damned time. It was hard at first, but it's become easier over time. Honesty has its own redeeming value. Telling one's own truth encourages others to do the same.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
    there's no such thing as "loving someone back." That's a foolish junior high concept.
    Hard truths are hard truths, and always depend on circumstances to give them relevance. It was easy to say those words to one person, literally impossible to say them to another. And so they went unsaid, and here we are.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
    I would not do well without caffeine. It is an addiction, of course, and it's also become quite vital in the prevention of my migraine headaches.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
    I told Fluffy that, sometime within the last couple of days. Who is she to me? Um, plenty. Friend, sister, mother, caretaker, partner in crime, landlady, cab fare, coworker, confidante....
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
    I can barely remember the individual moments from the last month. It's a blur of frenetic activity smooshed into four weeks of physical activity taking place in a surprisingly small area. One thing, though? Probably moved my bed to the other place when we moved all my furniture. It would've been a gigantic hassle at that time, but sooooooo much easier now.
18. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
    the same person that I wish was here with me when it's not dark, when it's not raining, when I don't hear someone walking around outside my windows (which are not at walking-around level anyway)
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
    ! If I know CPR, I'm not going to ASK TO SEE VALID IDENTIFICATION before I commence attempting to save someone's life. Wow.
20. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
    I think I'm going to let go both their hands, so I can better scratch my head in wonder at what the fuck I'm doing grasping the hand of a woman who's been dead for either 35 or 27 years (depending which grandmother it is) and a newborn, off the side of a cliff. And then I'll likely wake up and wish, yet again, that I hadn't started this survey at all.
21. Are you old-fashioned?
    in some ways, yes. I believe in treating people as well as one can.
22. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
    that happens all the time. Multiple times every day. Why wouldn't it? Why would one expect quid pro quo before taking decent actions?
23. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
    if it's true, then there COULD be no guarantee of a broken heart. Idiot.
24. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
    wish for no rain tomorrow morning at 7:AM

[from the original source; the title quotation is by Robert Frost]

beauty, truth, and Grace in all simplicity

Highlights of the 12 days of moving (oh, would that it were only twelve!):

12 dozen boxes of books

11 power strips/outlet splitters

10 chairs

9 bookcases (5 fully dismantled, 3 folded)

8 bottles of alcohol given away

7 packages scone mix in what I'd thought was an empty cupboard

6 lamps

5 boxes marked "misc"

4 computers

3 Christmas trees

2 cameras

1 clock

Where did I get all this stuff?!

[the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from The Phoenix and the Turtle]

omens and nightmares

            Love is a universal migraine,

A bright stain on the vision

Blotting out reason.

Symptoms of true love

Are leanness, jealousy,

Laggard dawns;

Are omens and nightmares—

Listening for a knock,

Waiting for a sign:

For a touch of her fingers

In a darkened room,

For a searching look.

Take courage, lover!

Could you endure such grief

At any hand but hers?

[Robert Graves, ‘Symptoms of Love’, from More Poems, 1961]

QANTAS doesn't fly to Los Angeles out of Cincinnati

1. Who is your favorite Musical Artist from when you were a teenager?
   since it's capitalized, I feel like Prince is the only answer I should give—and I was a pretty big fan of the unpronounceable symbol back in the day. But for true love and ridiculousness, the nod must go to Duran Duran, and in particular, Simon LeBon.
2. Who is your favorite game show host?
   Chuck Woolery
3. Who is your Favorite Blog hosting service?
   what's with the random capitalizations? I use Blogger (obviously) and have only tried to lurch away in the direction of Word Press a couple of times, to no avail.
4. If you could meet anyone again from your childhood, who would it be?
   my cousin R
5. Where did you want to live when you were growing up?
   Boston
6. What is the most interesting piece of Trivia that you know?
   at the moment, I highly doubt that I know any trivia at all. My brain is either too full or too empty for that.
7. If you could live in any point of history when would it be and why?
   despite impressions to the contrary, I'll stick with what I've got. I'm fond of bathing and painless dentistry--and lots of more intellectually and emotionally vital issues!
8. What is the most interesting job you have ever had?
   during grad school, I transcribed audiotapes of psychological interviews with parentally-bereaved children and adolescents. They had been conducted by a research group at the large university nearby, as part of a longitudinal study of death.
9. Please share one middle school memory. It can be good, bad, ugly, funny. Pictures or words, I don't care, just share.
   one of my friends in junior high was a boy named Shawn. We were members of the same basic social group, but he was one of the "wild" kids and I was a "good" girl. Stop me if you see what's coming.... I developed a crush, which had no effect except to render me mute or effusive in his presence. On the last day of ninth grade--the day we received our yearbooks and spent all our time signing each others' and lightly misbehaving--he was in particularly good spirits. He agreed to sign my yearbook, and did so in a not-too-obnoxious fashion. He then acquiesced to having a photo taken with me, at the request of one of my friends. I was scared stiff, sure that it was a joke and that I was the punchline. Lisa grabbed my camera and Shawn sauntered over, threw his arm around me, and turned with a beautiful smile, ready for the picture. I just grinned like an idiot, determined to enjoy every second of being that close to him.
   When I got the film developed and saw the picture, I was beyond horrified: because I'd stiffened so much, it looked like I was bending away from him, awkwardly, ass-first. And my blissful smile was actually closer to a lunatic leer. He looks just as adorable as ever, sweet and charming, and I look like a gawky freak. And that's appropriate, since that's what I was.
10. What's your favorite Beatles song?
    "Norwegian Wood." I know, no one else gets it either. [link died]
11. If I asked you to describe your most comfortable outfit, what would it be?
    the men's navy blue with pinstripes PJ pants that I bought for my trip to Dallas, an ancient white tank from JJill, and various other snips & snaps as needed for propriety's sake
12. Would you rather host a party or be a guest?
    If I have to do one or the other, God knows I'd rather be a guest: I can leave at anytime, and I don't have to clean up. And if it all goes kablooey, it's probably not my fault.
13. Do you think we will move completely from traditional books to digital ones, and if we do, are you OK with that?
    no, we won't. There are plenty of books that don't read well in electronic form, and plenty of readers who prefer paper to devices. For that matter, there are people who prefer audio to visual, and among them, 'manual' audio to electronic forms. I am in a unique position from which I can literally see people reading newspapers in their original form (and sometimes even on microfilm!) for hours every day. Making the argument that "it's available online" to me is fatuous, because something's online-ness does not render it automatically, easily, or uniformly accessible, nor does that accessibility render other methods of access pointless. The highway might be the most direct route between here and the big city to the east, for example, but "most direct" and "fastest" are often NOT the same thing. Same goes for electronic media. Have you seen the wait-list for popular titles, some of which disappear from library e-shelves after a specific number of uses?
14. Do you learn best by reading, listening or experiencing?
    it depends what I'm learning. I learn spelling by reading. I learn music by listening. I learn cooking by experiencing. For example.
15. If you are (or when you were) single, what is the kiss of death for you concerning the opposite sex? (That is, what is one trait or behavior or habit or anything at all that immediately turns you off from considering that person a potential match for you?)
    there are so many. I suppose that's why I'm single, right? Because I'm so damned picky? Here's a short list:
    
    • yellow cars or Hummers
    • unfaithfulness
    • parent/child issues
    • intolerance for differences in taste
    • inattentiveness
16. Snacks. Salty or sweet?
    salty. I like sweet fine enough, but I'll only go out looking for salt.
17. Look around you in a four foot radius. What object is around you that you didn't realize was there or forgot was there? How long has it been there?
    there's nothing in that category in my dwelling anymore. Since Sunday, I have no furniture except a bed and a small chest of drawers; literally everything else in the entire place has been moved from the position that it had occupied prior to Sunday, so I'm all too aware of what's where. Most of it's somehow dramatically in the way, even.
18. What is your favorite Tom Cruise movie?
    Rain Man
19. You buy a bottle of shampoo and discover that you don't like what it does to your hair at all. What do you do with that full bottle?
    this does not happen to me
20. Your favorite spring comfort food?
    fruit, I suppose? If there's something "spring"-y and comforting, it would have to be fresh, and I'm not such a vegetable fan. I bought strawberries tonight that actually smell like strawberries and not plastic, so that's progress.

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is from Rain Man]

I never met a man who was so pretty inside

1. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?
   yes. The timing for this is, as it probably always would be, rough--someone I met when I was thirteen years old passed away today, leaving behind a wife and small children. How can anyone be prepared for a loss like that? Hold tight to those you love, and be true about what's in your heart.
2. How do you feel about women in politics?
   politics is just politics, and has nothing to do with gender or race or age or preference
3. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
   indoor—though the length of my hair combined with the jets in a hot tub make me a little leery
4. What things are you interested in that you study or read about regularly?
   poetry (mid- to late-19th century, mostly); history (WWII, Panama Canal); philosophy; psychology & neuroscience (don't tell); art
5. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
   I get by
6. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
   I have my moments
7. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?
   now, wouldn't this answer either make or break the last two?
   Not sure if this will come as a surprise to anyone, but I've done neither of those, though the issue's been raised more than once.
8. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?
   um, yeah. (Who wrote this? Were they raised on an island?)
9. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?
   God, no
10. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?
    And Again: God, no. "Some Random Person" certainly does not fall within the utilitarian model. Besides, who would want to live to 140 years of age? That would be awful.
11. Can you identify any of the following lyrics?
    [blah blah blah] Nope, I could not. I know hundreds, maybe thousands, of songs from memory, and can Shazam or Google what I don't know, and I still didn't care to figure out what those three little bits were. It's funny, I think, how little I care about popular culture anymore.
12. Are you worried about North Korea?
    no. I think about South Korea now and then, though.
13. Would you rather be a world political leader or a talk-show host?
    "c", none of the above. There are those among us why would prefer not to communicate verbally, ever.
14. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?
    of course
15. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?
    yes. It has had a decreasing effect, though, lately, to the point that I think it's not worth the bother.
16. Are you looking forward to any dates right now? Vacation perhaps?
    let's don't even talk about vacations, shall we?
17. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?
    I really don't think that they can be compared. I loved The Lorax, which is about environmentalism, but I also loved Despicable Me, which features a very endearing anti-hero. And The Incredibles was a laugh-riot. Each was very good in its own way. I refuse to choose.
18. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
    though I have an enormous number of playlists and options from which to select, I nearly always revert to Sister Hazel and Vertical Horizon while making the Flat to home-state drive.
19. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
    lately, I've been thinking a lot about Johnnie Walker, and how he managed to love me in spite of a whole lot of obstacles that fell in his path. I (obviously) didn't realize what that meant, then, or what it would mean a few years later, still. Amazing? Hell, yes.
20. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
    Stop thinking with your [&|^+], be honest, and respect yourself (and me).

[from The Cat {as part of a multi-post set}, who got it here; the title quotation is from "Johnny Feelgood" by Liz Phair]

As a man thinketh in his heart so is he

    Melancholy day--weekend, really. I packed until I could pack no more. I'm moving, you see, though I don't have a place to move to yet. A story in itself; a post for another day. For now, just the packing. There are a dozen boxes in the dining room. Another 15 in the living room. Probably 25 or 30 in the larger bedroom. A handful in the basement. I feel like I've been working nonstop for a month; every time I move, something creaks in my back or shoulders or neck. Or jaw. I think that I regularly fall asleep sitting up, which makes my short commute a particular blessing.
     The melancholy part comes in where I realize that I'm moving again, by myself. I never wanted to do that again. There's an obvious practical reason: were I in a relationship at this point, I could likely rely upon my significant other to handle the back-straining, neck-crackling aspects of this process. There is also a milder, more esoteric reason: I'm just sick of being alone. It's not a great excuse to be with someone else (in fact, I can barely think of a worse rationale!) but that doesn't make me miss any less sharply the sensation of being involved. It sucks to be solely responsible for...everything. And to have to ask the same people a hundred favors, over and over, in order to get myself moved. I really didn't think I'd have ended up this way.
     It probably doesn't help that I've been listening to a mix CD with this song [Liz Phair, 'Ant in Alaska'] on it, and it's run through my head for two days.
You said I should let go of your hand
But I don't even know if I can
You're the only one, you are the very sun to me
And you know it's not easy

[the title quotation is by Dean Inge, and reads in its entirety: "The right use of leisure is no doubt a harder problem than the right use of our working hours. The soul is dyed the color of its leisure thoughts. As a man thinketh in his heart so is he."]

only vegetables are happy

    Early on Sunday, my left ear started to feel funny, but only when my head was straight up and down. When I would tilt it even a few degrees, the sensation would go away. It felt hot inside, and pressurized, as if there were fluid deep inside. I immediately set to drinking extra fluids and took my temperature a few times, to see if there was fever (evidence of infection), but the results were normal. I did notice that the pollen counts were extraordinarily high in this area (literally the highest that have ever been counted), so it would be understandable if my allergies were just ramping up for the season, though I've never before had ear symptoms from my regular seasonal allergies. As soon as possible on Monday, I made an appointment to see my doctor regarding the possibility of an ear infection. I didn't want it to go on too long (the sensation was really pretty bothersome) and other circumstances created an urgency as well.
     The earliest available appointment was this afternoon. As almost always happens, I was seen very shortly after I arrived, and my doctor was genuinely happy to see me, and considerate and approachable. He looked in my ears and poked around at my face briefly before declaring that there is no infection in my ears at all. The problem is my jaw. I have the beginnings of TMJ, which more accurately called TMD: Temporomandibular Joint Disorder. The muscle at the joint of my jaw is clenched to the extent that it is swollen up toward my ear, forcing my ear canal closed toward the middle, both giving the sensation of a narrower pathway and also trapping some air and ear goo that would normally more easily pass. This is not the worst of my symptoms, but it is the one for which I shall be grateful, because it drew my attention to the problem at hand.
     My doctor sat back and looked me in the eye. "Are you stressed?"
     I laughed.
     "All right.... What is particularly stressful in your life right now?"
     I stopped myself from snickering, because it wasn't actually funny and I needed to actually help him to help me. But it was yet another unanswerable question, really, because there is so little about my life that is not stressful that it seemed it might be easier to answer his question in the reverse. I took a deep breath and explained the main issue, which really has two parts, neither of which I'm ready to make even vaguely blog-public yet. But trust me, they're serious.
     And then he took a deep breath and said, "All right. Well. Try not to let it bother you." And then he laughed. And he closed that thought with, "And try to [make a huge life change]."
     So, it's doctor's orders, then. I'm to relax, and take over-the-counter medications as needed, and get some exercise when I can, and also [change my life]. I can do that!
     I nearly forgot the best part: I've lost nine pounds since last I visited my doctor's office. Apparently the TMD diet works.

[the title quotation is by William Faulkner, and reads in its entirety: "People need trouble--a little frustration to sharpen the spirit on, toughen it. Artists do; I don't mean you need to live in a rat hole or gutter, but you have to learn fortitude, endurance. Only vegetables are happy."]