My wedding anniversary. It seems like eons ago, and also no further away than yesterday. How could anyone make a decision that's so important, being so young and foolish? Why didn't anyone try to stop me? Someone really should've realized.
There's not a lot left in my life from that period. Of the group who actually participated in the ceremony, I'm connected on Linked In to one, have emailed sporadically with another, am FB friends with two others, and thank God, one is my very best friend. So, two ushers, two singers, and a bridesmaid are still mine. (That means the three groomsmen and two of the bridesmaids have made another choice. And, obviously, the groom.)
It's hard to know what to feel about this. I didn't do a whole lot today beyond drinking tea and reading, as I've been slightly under the weather. It was a good day for it, to just wander around my mind and occasionally distract myself with another world.
Conclusions: it was the right thing to do, at the time. If nothing else, to believe that is less unproductive than any alternative. I'm grateful for what I have now, even if in some ways it's not much. I believe in love, and I believe in marriage. I doubt that either of those things (in this sense) will be part of my life; I think that there's an openness required that I no longer have, or that I'm unwilling to extend. To acknowledge that makes me feel resigned and accepting.
I know that anniversaries are hard, and make emotional demands that can come as a surprise. I don't feel like this is coming from there, though. In all, today is just another day--perhaps just sweetened by the realization that things change and that I've gained more than I've lost.
[the title quotation is by Richard Bach]
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