I shall miss you so much

To A

I shall miss you so much when I'm dead,
The loveliest of smiles,
The softness of your body in our bed.
My everlasting bride,
Remember that when I am dead,
You are forever alive in my heart and my head.

[Harold Pinter {1930-2008}, 'To A']

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Why this, now?

Chris used to call me 'A'--I have an incredibly funny, sweet, stupid voicemail message from him that starts with this ludicrous, rockstar "HEY, AAAAAAA" that makes me laugh to think of, but of course I can't stand to actually listen to it. Someday.

And I miss him, so much, now that he's dead. Not that he was not missed before, of course, when we were merely separated by distance, but it's different now. I'm sure that's understood.

He did have the loveliest of smiles. I took a lot of pictures of him; now, naturally, I wish I'd taken a few thousand more.

What else would I wish for, if I could have it all to do again?

I'm not sure I'd change a thing. The ups and downs and frustration and missed opportunities and all the unspoken-ness...it rolled together into a brilliant friendship.

There was no bed, no bride - none of that. So much more than just that, it didn't need to be that at all.

I remember him. And he is forever with me, in my heart and in my head.