whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting

A quiz version of "who am I?"

1. If you could invent a new dish, what ingredients would it have? beef and bacon - and maybe something else, but only if I have to. Hmm, maybe I'll get on this...
2. If you could completely get rid of one month out of the year, which month would it be and why? February sucks from start to finish. There is nothing worth one thin damn about February.
3. What’s the funniest place you’ve ever fallen asleep? 4th row of a concert. First, it was part of my after-prom party--and I had not gone to the dance. Second, it was a freaking concert. Third, I was in the fourth row. How insulting is that, to the band? Ouch!
4. Did your parents have alternative name options that they were considering when naming you? What were they? John, if I was a boy (as would have been the case with nearly every girl in my family). My dad's preference for my name was Ann Margaret (yes, using both as first names, and yes, after the actress - but with the spelling above). 
5. If your hometown was a food, what food would it be? Hamburger Hotdish (note: this is NOT the classic recipe)
6. Tell a story about a time you felt super old. What happened? I finally felt old enough when I had been married for a while - maybe 6 months? - and working down Liberty Street from one of the oldest shoe stores in Ann Arbor. I walked past their window a couple times a day every day, and in so doing fell in love with a pair of what they used to call "half-boots." When I finally decided to buy them, I discovered that they were not available in my size, but only up to a half-size smaller than I wear. I wanted them so badly, though, that I bought them anyway. Spending that much money (still the most expensive pair of shoes I've ever owned) made me "feel like a grown up" - even though it was a dumbass move, since I eventually ended up giving them away because I had to roll my toes into a ball to wear them, and even then hobbled in agony throughout. Buying those shoes caused what would qualify as a significant marital argument (we didn't have that kind of money to spend on that kind of item, and it was actually about 2/3 of our monthly rent!). Now and then, though, you spend too much on something you want.
7. What’s your go-to dance move? there comes a point in every person's life when they realize that the song leads the dance, and not the other way around
8. What would be the silliest feature of your dream house? A huge sunken soaking tub. Not silly, but I would love it and use it all the damn time.
9. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a child say? when asked for her grandparents' telephone number, my niece responded, "Seven." Speed-dial is not always a friend to children! 
10. What’s the worst fashion or hair decision you’ve made? there are so many. The worst is anytime I have cut my hair short. I hate having short hair, I loathe the way that I look with short layers. Anything else is pretty temporary, but short hair seems to last forever.
11. What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? nothing I would really like to relay here - really, what's the point? You've got 15 years of blog posts to read. Surely some of them are embarrassing enough to satisfy any salacious eagerness to know my sordid details.
12. What obscure thing are you talented at? I make a terribly good fettuccine alfredo. I won't eat it, but I can make it.
13. If you could start a club for something silly, what would your club be about?  I'm not really a joiner...
14. What one superpower would you give to everyone in the world? How would the world change? if everyone had any one ability, it would not be a "super" power. Reading minds or teleportation would just be another human trait. The world would not change one bit. (Yes, in moments like this I realize that I'm "too literal.")
15. What fictional character would you be best friends with in real life? Mr. Darcy. He's a grumpy, anti-social asshole who tends to do the right thing but say the wrong thing. Seems oddly familiar.
16. What is the weirdest snack you like to eat? leftover frosting (after making a cake) on graham crackers
17. If someone wrote a book about your life, what would the title be? "Purple Sheep"
18. If one of your parents was the president, what would be their first law? neither of my parents would make a good president. This whole scenario is impossible to fathom. 
19. What’s a common saying that you don’t understand or that you think is odd? 'at the end of the day' as a signifier for the essentials of an issue
20. If you could interview a celebrity and ask them one question, who would you ask and what would you say? that is confidential (both parts) - and it makes me smile a secret smile...
21. If your pet could talk, what would be his or her catchphrase? I do not have a pet. The closest I come to this is my furry soulmate, whose catchphrase would be something like: "I own you!"
22. What unwritten rule would you make mandatory if you could? pass left, drive right. I know, it's a rule in a lot of places, but there are still drivers that do not seem to get it.
23. If you had to make a house out of food, what kind of food would it be? um, yuck?
24. What board game are you absolutely amazing at and why? Chinese Checkers. I suppose it's because I have the sort of brain that seeks out alternatives and possibilities, and plots three moves ahead. Nicer to think that it's a game I played a lot with my family when I was little. 
25. If you ran for president, what would your campaign slogan be? not even on a bet
26. Do you believe aliens exist? If so, what are they like? No clue. But I can guarantee they're nothing like those portrayed (?) in the movie Skyline.
27. If you were a state, which state would you be and why? Kansas. I'm somewhere in the middle (but a lot of people aren't quite sure whereabouts), and everybody thinks they know all about me, but reputation and reality are certainly very different.
28. What game show would you be an amazing host of and why? oh, God. Never.
29. What fictional television family is your real-life family most similar to? I don't think they made TV about families like mine - or, if they did, that it ever survived past the pilot.
30. If you could create a career that doesn’t currently exist, what would it be? whether it exists or not, I would love to have the job of naming ridiculous and pretentious things like nail polish colors or shoe styles. 
31. What one story about your childhood best explains the person you are today? I regularly got in trouble for hiding (in our car - parked in the garage or driveway - or my closet, or the backyard shed) because I'd sought out a quiet place to read and be by myself for a while. There were 5 of us in a fairly small house, and I was the youngest. There was almost no privacy and never solitude. It's not that I wanted to be alone, so much as I wanted to be left alone. If you cannot understand the difference, you will never understand me.
32. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled on someone? I don't know if this is the best, but - while housesitting for friends, I made multiple copies of photos of myself and hid them around their house. Some were very apparent, but most were a little bit hidden. There were 3 copies of each picture, which is convenient, because this way they know when they've found them all... right? They still haven't found them all. It's been YEARS. That was the only time I earned a mention in their annual Christmas letter, which had been a goal for my entire adult life.
33. If you had to work at an amusement park or a famous landmark for the rest of your life, which place would you choose? Isle Royale National Park
34. What is one weird fact or tidbit that you still remember from school? my head is filled with weird shit left over from school. That's not bragging - it's a solid complaint. Uhm...the Fibonacci Sequence is a series of numbers, with each number being the sum of the previous two numbers. 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13...  
35. What’s the most awkward date you’ve ever been on? I went out with a guy who I had met online. We introduced ourselves, and he swooped in for a hug. He bear-hugged me (bad), and picked me up off the ground (real bad), and then held me there for a long enough time that I actually had to kind of smack him to make him let me down (oh so bad). About 10 minutes later, while we waited for our drinks, he told me that he loved me. It went downhill from there. 
36. If you could create a new invention, what would you create? no-fade hair dye
37. What terrible gift have you gotten that you’ve had to keep? my former mother-in-law regularly gifted me with religious materials. I think she was either trying to drive out the devil or offload her extras.
38. What’s a pet peeve that you would make illegal if you could? no. wire. hangers!
39. What funny story is your hometown famous for? we have a namesake celebrity. She made a commercial that was sort of "about" us, for this last Super Bowl. They ended up broadcasting the least-funny, most stereotyped version for the game. Disappointing, that.
40. What is the weirdest roommate story you’ve heard? there are so many! This is not precisely a roommate story but you'll get why it comes to mind. A waitress at the restaurant where I worked in college lived with several other girls. They had a cat, which was somewhat against the rules but their landlord was under the impression that they were all Good Girls and so overlooked the "small infraction." That was until their refrigerator stopped working and needed to be replaced. When the landlord was helping maintenance move the old fridge out, they found something odd in the space behind: a significant number of prophylactics (used, of course). Apparently the cat had been dragging them out of the trash and hiding them back there. (Cats are weird.) The items eventually covered some of the venting, which then shorted out the fridge, requiring its replacement. The girls' lease was not renewed.
41. If you could change the ending of any famous movie, which movie would it be? What would your new ending be? it's not the most "famous" movie, maybe, but Rumor has it... should have ended with Sarah and Beau together. True love ought to win, at least in the movies.
42. What song will you never forget the lyrics to? there are so many! The first that popped into my head was "Dead on the Floor" by Alkaline Trio. 
43. What word do you always mispronounce? not sure? But I almost always misspell my own first name when I type it.
44. What popular trend bothers you? "bothers" is a strong word, since a lot of trends just bob along without me having anything to do with them! This is not a trend exactly, but I totally loathe the word "doggo" (or "puppers" or any of their obnoxious, imbecilic derivatives) and if anyone ever hears it come out of my mouth, they have permission to shoot me in the face, immediately.
45. What tradition did your family have when you were growing up? Memorial Day was a picnic at a park about a half hour away from where I live now. My dad's side of the family would gather for a potluck. Roger's Meats hotdogs, a mass derivation of volleyball known as "uncleball." There was a creek to splash in, playground equipment to swing around, and fairly gentle but still exciting rocky slopes to climb. We inevitably came home dirty as Hell, sporting bug bites and blood blisters, a killer sunburn and probably a windburn to boot. We'd be asleep in the backseat before we were a mile way from the park. That is one of our traditions.
46. If you could only wear one color for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? black. Seriously, how could anyone even ask a question like that? It suits almost every occasion, it's "slimming," and it's fairly well interchangeable.
47. What’s the most awkward or embarrassing thing you’ve done for someone you loved? Now is not the time.
48. Have you ever met a real person with an unfortunate name? What was it? Yes, and I'm not going to put it here because he's still alive. Suffice it to say, both his first and last names are penis jokes. Together, it's a disaster of a penis joke.
49. What nicknames have people called you throughout your life? this counts as one of those "don't answer it on the internet" questions...
50. What’s the weirdest thing in your parents’ or your grandparents’ home? my parents have a ceramic plate of breakfast in their basement. I made it in grade school and for no good reason at all, it has survived all this time.

[from here; the title quotation is by Haruki Murakami, from Kafka on the Shore]