always she bought the shots of Jack

Rate how frequently the following tactics have been employed to 

attract you as a short-term partner (i.e., one-night stand) when 

you were already in a romantic relationship with another. Use this 

sliding scale. Never/Once/Sometimes/Occasionally/Often/Always. 

Sometimes she wore black spandex and Jogbra 

for no apparent reason. Occasionally she played golf, 

never in a foursome. Often she pointed out 

my girlfriend’s bad grammar, bad breath, big rear. 

Once, while I napped, she alphabetized my CDs. 

At lunch, she sometimes peeled my banana. 

Occasionally she endeared herself to my peers 

by smoking cigars and tossing back Jack Daniels. 

Always she bought the shots of Jack. 

Sometimes she begged for Central High football stories. 

Once she asked if I played Tight End. Never did she giggle. 

Always she drank from an always-pink straw. 

Sometimes she mowed my grass, waxed my Jeep, 

scrubbed the tub. Once she cried during Patton. 

She baked lasagna with meat. Always with meat. 

Once she asked me to fill her heated water bed. 

She often called about business then switched topics 

to the ’75 Reds. Sometimes she called me Charlie Hustle. 

Once she pitted cherries wearing only a white tee shirt. 

Often she introduced my mate to someone else, say, 

my CEO who drives a Jag. She never liked Marge Schott. 

On Halloween she always wore seductive costumes: 

a Playboy bunny suit, pajamas with feet and crotch flap, 

Saran Wrap accented with pitted cherries. 

Once she invited me to her Super Bowl party 

and quoted Bradshaw’s pregame analysis. Howie’s, too. 

Once she challenged my partner to a front yard fight. 

Never did she try to be my best friend. 

Occasionally she called me her Big Red Machine. 

Once she pitted cherries while I watched. 

[Kevin Stein {1954- } ‘How He Answered the Glossy Magazine’s Mate Poaching Survey’ from American Ghost Roses: Poems]