6.02.2021

the memories I value most, I don’t ever see them fading

151: What do you want more of in your life?     good surprises, kisses, shoes, and flowers
152: What do you want less of in your life?     waking up to an alarm, weight, bills, and medicine
153: Considering the previous two answers, are you still happy with what you have? Do you appreciate what you have?     absolutely! Life is good.
154: At what point during the last five years have you felt lost and alone?     ugh. There have been rough periods. Health struggles. Seemingly endless house rehab. Money trouble. It's easy to think that those are alone-times.
155: Is there anyone you want to forgive? Forget?     sure. It'll come in time, presumably - or it's not supposed to happen.
156: When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?     depends why I'm meeting them, of course, but most of the time I'm not too concerned about what others think
157: What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?     I made a joke out of mock trials because the whole thing terrified me
158: What type of person angers you the most?     angry, intolerant, presumptuous
159: What type of person makes you happiest?     open, clever, motivated
160: Which is better- an easily offended person who is genuinely nice, or a lighthearted person who is mean?     it would be easy for me to say that it's better to be the easily offended, genuinely nice person - because that's more like me. But I cringe at the idea of being "genuinely nice," and I also question whether "easily offended" is an accurate descriptor. It might be closer to the truth to say that I'm easily...moved. While it's true that I can get angry or cry quickly, I can also laugh or be overwhelmed by joy.
    Anyway, I don't care how light your heart is, if you're genuinely mean. I really do believe that mean people suck.
161: Which one of your responsibilities do you wish you could get rid of?     anything related to car maintenance or repair. I absolutely hate to deal with cars. It's one of the few ways that I'm a complete throwback to frail, helpless women who just want to do their nails and be taken care of.
162: What positive changes have you made in your life recently?     reconnected with a high school friend who has a particularly sunny outlook; we are good influences on each other. Cut out some especially bad unhealthy dining habits. Started walking, and exercising in general, again.
163: What has most negatively impacted your life?     migraine headaches. Now that I'm having fewer, I realize what I'd been missing!
    Feeling bad is never normal (except in the case of chronic illness, unfortunately). Take your health seriously and do what you can to feel better!
164: If you could live forever, would you want to? Why?     God, no. Life - for me - is about relationships. I would not want to outlive everyone I love. That would be so sad.
165: What do you admire most about your family?     all the other members of my immediate family have a great grasp of science
166: What do you admire most about your friends?     patience and generosity
167: Is being impulsive a bad thing? Or is it just surprising?     I can't criticize it, because I'm highly impulsive at times. Maybe it's a bad thing, but it's the way I was made.
168: Is any person truly perfect? Do you idolize anybody? Do you think human beings have the capability to be perfect?     there's no such thing as perfect (it has lumps in it), and idols are just set up to fall from grace
169: When was the last time you expressed your feelings?     I do so every day, some way or another
170: Do you enjoy artistic challenges or problem solving?     is this supposed to be an either/or question? Because I enjoy both.
171: Who has been kindest to you, recently? Do they know you appreciate their kindness?     my gay boyfriend has been sending me job postings from libraries all across the country. Given that I send him postcards at least once a week, I'm pretty sure that he's aware that I think he's the bomb.
172: What is your earliest memory? Was it a happy memory? Do you think that happy children turn into good people? 
a) my earliest memory is being carried into the house from the car after a holiday get-together at my grandparents' house, so exhausted from overeating and playing and excitement that I had slept all the way home and couldn't operate my limbs to get inside
b) heck yeah it's a happy memory
c) I don't think it's quite that simple. An awful lot happens to us between being carried into the house and "turning into [x] people." Nature, nurture, accidents, choices, acts of God. Wouldn't it be nice, though?
173: What is your favorite memory, pertaining to the person who has been kindest to you?     it's kind of a collective memory, of hundreds of phone calls and dozens of meetings, much mutual venting and laughter - and, since I've been living here, many letters and cards with silly names attached, keeping that connection
174: If you could hold on to one memory for the rest of your life, which memory would it be?     almost exactly two years ago, I was given a gift at my office at work. The gift itself isn't the point, but the way it was done, and the meanings, and the pure audacity.... When I am insecure or scared, I wish I could relive the way it felt to discover that gift.
175: How did you think your life would be now, like 2 years ago?     Ha! There's proof that I don't read ahead. Uhm, I couldn't have anticipated the last two years, for sure, but I wouldn't trade it.
176: Who has been the most accountable friend over the past year?     college bff. Constancy, no judgment, exquisite care, laughter, and outings.

 [from here and adapted; the title quotation is by Kazuo Ishiguro, from Never Let Me Go]

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