11.07.2021

more I love yous more I'm sorrys more I'm listenings

84: Are you satisfied with your life? Why/why not? 
    at this point, I am satisfied with my life. Not that it is "complete" but it's settled - in the best of ways. New place to live, new job that I really like, that scares me and makes me feel smart and creative and necessary. A renewed friendship with my big brother. There's plenty that's still up in the air, but I feel good about it.
85: If you could start your life over, what would you do differently? 
    there are plenty of little things I'd do differently (the tattoos, for instance, and the perms, and a couple of those fly-by-night bonehead maneuvers...) but overall I would leave it where it is. Life is the way it is because of the choices I've made, the lefts rather than rights, the Yes rather than No. This is where I want to be.
86: When did you have to go let go of someone or something? Did anything good come out from it? 
    I had to stop openly grieving after Chris died. I didn't want to let go of that, because it felt like grief was my only real connection to him anymore. But some people made it clear that I was hurting myself - which is the opposite of my relationship with Chris - and that it was self-centered, too. By not moving on, I was allowing the myth of the perfect friend to persist. Neither Chris nor I was perfect, and the friendship was fraught with dust-ups and stupid disagreements. And that truth, our real relationship, was worth remembering.
87: All good things must come to an end: what are your thoughts on this? 
    I don't buy it, except that death and taxes are all that can be inevitable.
88: When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done? 
    yep - such is the nature of a writer
90: If you had to teach one thing to everyone, what would it be (assuming that they learn it)? 
    how to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich
91: What is the last thing that you've done that’s really worth remembering? 
    I took care of a cat, as if he were my own
92: If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? 
    it would help, strangely enough. I've done more good than bad.
93: How have you spent most of your time for the past 2 months?
    buying a place to live, moving, selling a place I lived. Accepting a new job, accepting another new job, and leaving the job that I'd had. 
94: Do you have any long-term ambitions? What are you doing to pursue them? 
    not "ambitions" so much as dreams. (I am just about the least ambitious person you'd ever meet.) My dreams are many and varied, and my pursuit follows that. Some is overt, some covert, and some extremely long-range. But I believe in dreams, and in knowing what you wish for and doing what you can to get it.
95: Which of these is more important: long-term ambitions, or short-term goals? 
    they are equally important, because each makes life move along
97: What have you done that you are most proud of?    
    I am proud of my friendships (some long, some deep, some situation-specific, some troubling...) and my devotion to the people I love
98: What is the wisest thing you have heard anyone say? 
    "I never said I don't love you"

[from here; the title quotation is by Erma Bombeck, and reads in its entirety as follows]

If I had my life to live over... 
 There would have been more I love yous, more I'm sorrys, 
more I'm listenings, 
but mostly, given another shot at life, 
I would seize every minute of it,
 look at it and really see it, try it on, live it, exhaust it, 
and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.

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