8.29.2022

I continue dying like this until I meld in You, my life

I live, but not inside myself, 
with only the hope 
to die, because I die not. 
 
I live without being in me 
and this is how I wait, 
dying because I die not 
 
No, because I do not live yet 
and without God I cannot live 
But without him and without me, 
this life, what will it be? 
 
A thousand deaths I’ll feel 
while I wait for my life, 
dying because I do not die 
 
Whatever life I live 
is imaginary living, 
so I continue dying like this 
until I meld in You, my life. 
Listen to me God, hear, 
I don’t want this life; 
always dying         because I cannot die 
 
Since you won’t come to me, 
what life can I adhere to, 
instead suffer a death 
most mortals never know. 
Pity, pity myself 
because I’m stuck with this fate 
of dying because I can’t die. 
 
Even a fish out of water 
is more at peace 
that in the death he suffers 
he finally pays death off. 
But what kind of death compares 
to my living lamentation 
where the more I live the more I die. 
 
When I think of unburdening, 
seeing you in that sacrament 
makes me feel more pain 
that I cannot rejoice in you; 
all this adds sorrow to sorrow, 
I can’t see you as I want to 
and I die because I die not 
 
And if joy, O Lord, overwhelms 
with the hope of seeing you, 
        that I might lose sight of you 
doubles this pain of sorrows: 
Living with such tremendous fear, 
and yearning the way I yearn 
I die more     because I do not die. 
 
O stop me from such a death, 
My God, and grant me life; 
don’t keep me so entangled 
as if by a lasso bound. 
Look, how I long to see you, 
this aching is so complete 
that I die because I do not die. 
 
In time I’ll weep at my death, 
and lament this life 
that has to be so imprisoned 
by sins, my sins 
O     my God     O     When, when? 
When I tell you from truth enlightened, 
“Live I,” because I do not die. 
 
[Joseph Ceravolo {1934-1988} 'Verses of the Soul, Suffering to See God', from
Collected Poems]

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