11.02.2022

not refuse to keep notes of what meant the most

I'd like to begin again. Not touch my 
own face, not tremble in the dark before 
an intruder who never arrives. Not 
apologize. Not scurry, not pace. Not 
refuse to keep notes of what meant the most. 
Not skirt my father's ghost. Not abandon 
piano, or a book before the end. 
Not count, count, count and wait, poised—the control, 
the agony controlled- for the loss of 
the one, having borne, I can't be, won't breathe 
without: the foregone conclusion, the pain 
not yet met, the preemptive mourning 
without which 
                        nothing left of me but smoke. 
 

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