a wild civility

A sweet disorder in the dress 

Kindles in clothes a wantonness; 

A lawn about the shoulders thrown 

Into a fine distraction; 

An erring lace, which here and there 

Enthrals the crimson stomacher; 

A cuff neglectful, and thereby 

Ribands to flow confusedly; 

A winning wave, deserving note, 

In the tempestuous petticoat; 

A careless shoe-string, in whose tie 

I see a wild civility: 

Do more bewitch me, than when art 

Is too precise in every part. 

 

[Robert Herrick {1591-1674}, 'Delight in Disorder']

around the town I use a rattlesnake whip; take it easy baby, don't you give me no lip

    I am fascinated by the sorts of quizzes designed to help a person know more about who they really are. One of my favorites is The Truity 7 Love Styles test, a brief (10 minutes maybe?) test of "how you prefer to give and receive love", some hard thinking needed. I've taken it just the once.     

     The concept of love languages was created by couples counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, who observed that people differ in what sort of interactions make them feel loved. Dr. Chapman described 5 love languages, however our research on over 500,000 volunteers indicates there are actually seven distinct ways of showing love. This quiz measures your preference for all 7 of these modern love styles.

    The stuff with which I particularly agree is in italics, and most highly apt are in red bold. 

---

Your Intellectual Love Style 

    As a person with an Intellectual love style, you like to connect through the mind. You feel loved when your partner values your intelligence, respects your opinion, and takes part in thoughtful discussions of important issues. 

    People with Intellectual as their dominant love style seek a partner who asks for their opinion because they care about what they have to say. This type is likely to enjoy deep conversations about things that matter to them and a partner who will happily debate ideas. 

You feel most loved when your partner: 

• Takes a deep interest in what you say and how you think. 

• Respects and values your opinions. 

• Wants to talk with you about things that matter. 

• Is excited to share their thoughts and ideas with you.

 

[the title quotation is from George Thorogood's "Who Do You Love?"]

you have something more than intelligence ... you have insight

Average rating: 7. There are a few different routes to that average, though....

Cry of the City (1948) - "Petty crook and cop-killer Martin Rome, in bad shape from wounds in the hospital prison ward, still refuses to help slimy lawyer Niles clear his client by confessing to another crime. Police Lt. Candella must check Niles' allegation; a friend of the Rome family, he walks a tightrope between sentiment and cynicism. When Martin fears Candella will implicate his girlfriend Teena, he'll do anything to protect her. How many others will he drag down to disaster with him?"

length: 1 hour, 35 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I'd reviewed it highly the last time I saw it, but didn't recall the details (previously reviewed here)

IMDB: 7.2/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 93% Audience: 85%
my IMDB: 8/10

MPAA rating: Approved

notable quote: "They'll make a Robin Hood out of a cheap hoodlum like that. The longer he's loose the bigger hero he is."

directed by: Robert Siodmak

my notes: super gritty and tough, and absolutely gripping. Victor Mature, as Lt. Candella, is terrific. Arguably "the bad guy," in a sense, he's charming and polite, and still hard as a rock. Richard Conte plays Rome dry and snarky. Shelly Winters is the hidden gem, snappy and strong as the tough-talking Brenda Martingale.

overall:  recommended

 

Taken (2008) - "Former CIA agent Bryan Mills reluctantly agrees to let his 17-year-old daughter Kim go to Paris on a trip. His ex-wife Lenore and her new husband Stuart are all for it and Kim sets off with a friend. On arrival in Paris however, Kim and her friend are kidnapped by mobsters running a slavery-prostitution ring. Bryan's only lead is a short snippet of a conversation from when Kim phoned him in a panic. With that, he's able to identify the origin of the speaker and which criminal gang he's with. Once in Paris, he quickly shows everyone connected with the case that he will stop at nothing to get his daughter back."

length: 1 hour, 30 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: it's the only one of the series that's worth a damn, but it's entertaining (previously reviewed here)

IMDB: 7.7/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 60% Audience: 85%
my IMDB: 7/10

MPAA rating: PG-13   (what the fuck?? The body count in this film is FORTY.)

notable quote: "Now is not the time for dick-measuring."

directed by: Pierre Morel

my notes: Terrific film with an outstanding script, this was co-written by Luc Besson—one of my very favorite filmmakers. Liam Neeson is a marvel, beautifully playing the nebbishy old retired dad and realistically transforming into the fella with the very particular set of skills. I also quite like Olivier Rabourdin as the unfortunate Jean-Claude, and Leland Orser (Sam).

overall:  recommended

Dangerous Liaisons (1988) - "The Marquise de Merteuil and the Vicomte de Valmont display the petty jealousies and jaded insouciance of life in France's royal court in the 18th century, casually ruining the lives of de Merteuil's young romantic rival, the music teacher for whom she secretly pines and the upstanding Madame de Tourvel. But when actual romantic feelings begin to surface, their games take on a more treacherous air."
length: 1 hour, 59 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I have seen it before, but prehaps only at the theater upon first release? I wanted to recall what all the fuss is about.
IMDB: 7.5/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 94% Audience: 83%
my IMDB: 6/10

MPAA rating: R (hilarious that this is rated R and the previous film was PG-13.     Excellent example of the pointlessness of a subjective rating system!)

notable quote: "Why must you destroy my peace of mind?"

directed by: Stephen Frears

my notes: there is not one character in this story who is not wretched and awful in some way. There is a particularly diabolical pack of four, and from there the awfulness seeps through the entire cast. The story is heartbreaking, and wicked. Undeniably sexy, but in such an overwhelming, unrelenting way. 

    Don't even get me started about the accents, though. Mostly straight-up American, a smattering of British, one feeble attempt at French that comes and goes. Ever hear of a dialect coach? The producers of this film, not to mention the director, should be ashamed of themselves. The actors should feel embarrassed at not even trying.

    But hey, the costumes are gorgeous, some of the settings are exquisite, and the jewelry is outstanding.

    I didn't like it. Can you tell? I think it's a mostly well-directed and -acted film, and I've heard it's the best of the adaptations so far. But I left it feeling skeezy and coated in a layer of smut. I hope to never see it again.

Academy Award winner:
• Best Writing, Screenplay based on material from another medium—Christopher Hampton

• Best Art Direction - Set Decoration—Stuart Craig, Gérard James

• Best Costume Design—James Acheson
Academy Award nominee:
• Best Picture—Norma Heyman, Hank Moonjean

• Best Actress—Glenn Close

• Best Supporting Actress—Michelle Pfeiffer

• Best Music, Original score—George Fenton
overall:  recommended, but...

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969) - "Jean Brodie is a free-spirited teacher at a Scottish girls' school during the 1930s. She encourages her young pupils to embrace romantic ideals, educating them about love and art rather than hard facts. However, her controversial teaching philosophy draws the ire of the school's headmistress, Miss Mackey, and as Miss Brodie becomes entangled in a love triangle, her behavior towards her favorite students becomes increasingly manipulative."
length: 1 hour, 56 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: it's one of those books/movies that are ingrained in the culture, but I'd not seen before
IMDB: 7.6/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 85% Audience: 84%
my IMDB: 7/10

MPAA rating: PG

notable quote: "A man with a wife and six children plus a schoolgirl for a mistress can be called any number of rude names, but 'coward' is not one of them."

directed by: Ronald Neame

my notes: this is a very UK movie, with some excessively posh (read: unintelligible) accents. The first 20 minutes were lost as I tried to piece together dialog from the weirdly London-ish Edinburgh.

    Once past that, it pushes every boundary there is. It's about gender and sex and age, education and liberation, fantasy and passion. I did not like it, but I could barely peel my eyes away. Pamela Franklin (Sandy) and Robert Stephens (the infinitely creepy Teddy Lloyd) stole the show, I think, from Maggie Smith as the weird, strident, and borderline Miss Brodie.

Academy Award winner: Best Actress—Smith
Academy Award nominee: Best Music, Original Song—Rod McKuen (for "Jean")
overall: reluctantly, confusingly recommended

 

[the title quotation is from The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie]

silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing

1 Do you wish you'd been more or less cautious in your life? 

     LESS! I wish I'd leaped first and looked later, and grabbed at a Maybe that could have been Yes (a few times). There's time for analysis later.

    My cautiousness has been a product of genetics and upbringing (my people tend toward alertness and circumspection), my own introversion, and education in both history (the dumbs that have been dumb before) and law (the pitfalls that are everywhere). It's as much about expecting to encounter danger as actually doing so.

    I've done a few things upon which I regret jumping without thinking, but far more opportunities were squandered while I dithered about right and wrong. 

 

2 If you had to either change professions or move to another part of the country, which would you prefer?

     change jobs. That's an easy one. I moved back here for good reasons and am committed to staying. (That's even despite the current windchill of -13º!) My job is fascinating, challenging, rewarding, and sometimes even fun. But it's a job, not a life, and I could live without it if I had to.

What new career or location first comes to mind?  

    if I had to change jobs I would happily go back to library work. Time has filed off some of the rough edges, of course, but I recall it as a compelling, gratifying job. I have realized with more experience elsewhere that it is unique and was underappreciated. 

    Besides those I've already written about . . . there is a college town about a hundred miles to the northeast. It is well known for some stuff that happened a long time ago, and also for being one of the great college towns in the country. A dear friend sends job postings from the university where they work, just in case I'm in the market for a change. I think that getting a position at their local public library would be freaking amazing.

    

3 If you could have free, unlimited service for 5 years from an extremely good cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose? 

     definitely a housekeeper! I am at best a reluctant cleaner, though it's all kept well enough most of the time. My temporary house guest ratchets up the need for cleaning by a factor of ten, so at the moment the place looks raggedy. I keep pecking away at it when work and other interests and duties allow the time and energy. 

    I've been considering socking away some money just so I can hire someone to help with the worst of it when my guest returns home. Four months of their presence will have made a big impact on the overall state of affairs, and someone with knowledge, skill and equipment to make it go faster would be worth the investment.

    Anyway, the rest of it is well-enough taken care of. I am a decent cook, and have lately (the past six months to a year) gotten into the groove of cooking "real meals" again—and enjoying it. I am also a fine driver for my needs, meaning that in the average month I drive only enough to buy gas every six weeks or so, and pretty much in a route between home, my parents' place, the Post Office, the salon, and occasionally a friend's place in the country. I have an excellent massage therapist already (who, coincidentally, I'm seeing today!). A personal secretary would have very little to do to organize my quiet life. There's always a list of crappy tasks that I'd rather not do, but not at the cost of the cleaning help.

 

4 Would you rather play a game with someone less or more skilled than you? Would your answer be different if others were watching? 

     I'm more interested in playing a game with someone who can give me a run for my money than I am in winning. If it's something requiring skills that I want to learn, what's the point of playing with someone who knows less than I do?

    My answer would not change with the presence or absence of spectators, although the idea of me playing a game with spectators is far-fetched. The closest I've come to this was playing a couple of Scrabble games in a bar a couple summers ago. Theoretically, someone could have been watching, but I don't recall anyone standing out as doing so.

 

5 How often do you step back and reflect on where you are headed? Would less or more self-reflection be good for you? 

     I step back and reflect all the time. It is one of the strongest facets of my personality. I think it teaches me lessons that I'm less likely to receive from someone else.

    However, less self-reflection would be a good thing. Too much focus on oneself distorts one's own relative importance. It's way more valuable to consider things, other people, and circumstances, outside.

 

6 How forgiving are you when your friends let you down? Do you expect more or less generosity from them when you fall short? 

    my history shows that I'm not forgiving enough. There is a rationale for every decision I've made and every person who's no longer involved in my life, but fewer good reasons. It's hard, and it sucks, to realize that you've been shitty to people you care about, and that they can't feel the same anymore because of it.

    We all have weaknesses. It's part of the human condition, right? No one is perfect. I'm pretty sure that, at times, I'm more imperfect than I ought to be.

 

7 What are your most compulsive habits? Do you struggle to break them? If so, what would it feel like to accept them and give up on trying to change? 

    a. according to this sub-scientific self-assessment, I have reached 17 of 60 points (28.33%), indicating that I have signs of 'moderate' internet addiction. Not sure I'd have placed it that high, since there are mitigating factors (I work remotely, I live alone, and the questions that I answered more than "sometimes" are less indicative of the dangerous side of compulsion than are some others that I marked "rarely" or "never".)

    The aspect of it that causes the most concern is when I've realized that I've got more than two devices actively going at once, and as many as four. Multi-tasking doesn't work, and it's pathetic overkill to surround oneself with noise.

          

 

   You have reached 17 of 60 point(s), (28.33%)

Read more here: https://mind.help/assessments/internet-addiction-test/

ou have reached 17 of 60 point(s), (28.33%)

Read more here: https://mind.help/assessments/internet-addiction-test/

ou have reached 17 of 60 point(s), (28.33%)

Read more here: https://mind.help/assessments/internet-addiction-test/

ou have reached 17 of 60 point(s), (28.33%)

Read more here: https://mind.help/assessments/internet-addiction-test/

    b. rubbing my right index finger against the edge of my thumb. It's a BFRB often called pill-rolling tremor, is considered a form of obsessive compulsion, and is almost completely subconscious. It's also permanently f'd up the side of my thumbnail, which looks bad and is sometimes sharp and occasionally sore.

    c. compulsive shopping, which is pretty much under control but squirms its way out in times of heavy stress. I don't buy excessive quantities, or things I don't actually need (or want). It usually manifests as refusal to say no to my own wishes.

 

[from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is William S. Burroughs, from The Job: Interviews with William S. Burroughs]

thumbs its teeth against the odds

Dangerous, Again 

 

makes plans for the future 

Dangerous agrees 

 

to leaving   if only for a week 

Dangerous sees red 

 

in your eyes 

feels tall    impossibly 

 

small. 

Unhinged 

 

it watches the chemo drip    misses 

blips in the body's tête-à-tête 

 

It says let's sleep 

often    exclaims 

 

there will be good days ahead    this course of drugs 

will fix    carry you well into the next twenty years 

 

says remission 

Dangerous believes all this 

 

thumbs its teeth against the odds 

fingers crossed behind its back 

 

 [Ronda Broatch, 'Dangerous, Again', from Fire on Her Tongue: An Anthology of Contemporary Women’s Poetry]

I can add colors to the chameleon, Change shapes with Proteus for advantages And set the murderous Machiavel to school

    I am fascinated by the sorts of quizzes designed to help a person know more about who they really are. A new one that I just tried is the Self-Monitoring Scale, a very short (2 minute) test that "measures the extent to which an individual has the will and ability to modify how they are perceived by others"—no hard thinking needed.   

    The stuff with which I particularly agree is in italics, and most highly apt are in red bold. 

---

    These are the results of the Self-Monitoring Scale. A low score on the self-monitoring scale can range anywhere from 0-8 and a high score ranges from 15 to 22. 

    Your score was 13. Higher scores indicate more self-monitoring of behaviour. Your score was higher than 38.2% of people. 

    High self-monitors adjust their behaviour in response to their environment, while low self-monitors tend to rely on the same behaviours in all contexts. Self-monitoring is a personality trait that involves the ability to monitor and regulate self-presentations, emotions, and behaviors in response to social environments and situations. It involves being aware of your behavior and the impact it has on your environment. It also refers to your ability to modify your behaviors in response to environmental, situational, or social variables. People who are high in self-monitoring are more likely to change their behavior in order to adapt or conform to the situation. Those who are low in self-monitoring tend to behave in accordance with their own internal needs and feelings. 

    Some signs of self-monitoring include: 

        • Putting on a show to entertain others 

        • Finding it easy to imitate the behaviors of others 

        • Looking at other people in social situations to figure out what to do 

        • Adopting different behaviors depending on the people or situation 

    Low self-monitoring means that people are less likely to change their behavior to fit in. This can be seen as combative or even antisocial in some contexts. However, it can also be a sign of high individualism and resistance to conformity in others. 

    High-self monitors are good at adapting to the situation and getting along with others. In some contexts, they might be seen as being "fake," but it is also a social skill that can promote interpersonal harmony.

 

[the test was taken here, and the results filled in with information from here; the title quotation is from William Shakespeare, in King Henry VI, Part 3]

and no one knows

I draw the outline of your body 

against the empty blue sky. 

The air is displaced only for a moment, 

then returns to its former self, quiet, 

indistinct amidst the whispering 

of trees and witch grass. 

It is early in the day, not yet autumn, 

And no one knows you have 

been there but me. 

 

[Greg Watson, 'A Brief Encounter' from Things You Will Never See Again]

if you could remember who stabbed you with the wheelchair, and where it happened, it would really help

SPOILER ALERT! Don't read the second entry if you're planning to see it. Average rating: 7.75. Good ones!

Absence of Malice (1981) - "Megan Carter is a reporter duped into running an untrue story on Michael Gallagher, a suspected racketeer. He has an alibi for the time his supposed crime was committed but it involves an innocent party. When she tells Carter the truth and the newspaper runs it, tragedy follows, forcing Carter to face up to the responsibilities of her job when she is confronted by Gallagher."
length: 1 hour, 56 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I loved it the first time around

    (previously reviewed here)
IMDB: 6.9/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 81% Audience: 64%
my IMDB: 9/10

MPAA rating: PG

notable quote: "'Waiter? Check.'

    'Oh, no, no, no. I'll pay. Unless you think that would make you impotent.'

    'You got some mouth.'"

directed by: Sidney Lumet

my notes: it's pretty dated (lots of old-style journalism that isn't even theoretically possible anymore) but at its heart, there's still a lot that's true and resonant. 

    There is no sexier scene in all of film than the couple's meeting at her apartment after the second article. The long shot of them sort of barely holding hands speaks shivery, delicious, unbearably tense volumes.

    The strongest impression that this film leaves: Wilfred Brimley is fucking brilliant in this movie. Truly towering, remarkable, and ought to be taught to every actor in training. Really outstanding.

Academy Award nominee:
• Best Actor—Paul Newman

• Best Supporting Actor—Melinda Dillon

• Best Writing, Screenplay written directly for the screen—Kurt Luedtke
overall: highly recommended

 

The Rainmaker (1997) - "Struggling new attorney Rudy Baylor (Matt Damon) resorts to working for a shady lawyer (Mickey Rourke), where he meets paralegal Deck Shifflet (Danny DeVito). When the insurance company of Dot Black (Mary Kay Place) refuses her dying son coverage, Baylor and Shifflet team up to fight the corrupt corporation, taking on its callous lawyer (Jon Voight). Meanwhile, Baylor becomes involved with Kelly Riker (Claire Danes), an abused wife, whose husband complicates matters when he confronts Baylor."
length: 2 hours, 15 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I'd seen it a few years ago (reviewed here) and liked it quite a bit, which seemed a little strange so I thought I'd better test that
IMDB: 7.2/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 82% Audience: 78%
my IMDB: 6/10

MPAA rating: PG-13

notable quote: "'Are you in over your head, son?'

    '... Absolutely!'"

directed by: Francis Ford Coppola (also co-wrote)

my notes: it's kind of a mess. The medical stuff—the kid would be in the hospital, not at home. And whomever bandaged up the girl accomplished it at a third-grade level; what the fuck purpose is the gauze wrap around her face? 

    The law stuff is a disaster area that doesn't deserve serious consideration; if Grisham actually wrote the crap that turned up in the film, thank God he's not a practicing attorney. 

    The acting stuff: let's call it 'widely divergent'. Damon gamely does what he can with this weird script. Mary Kay Place (Dot Black) is Oscar-level phenomenal, as is Red West as her husband Buddy. DeVito is pretty all right, in the 'supporting' role that kind of steals the show. Danes is meh, Voight is a stereotypical blustery blowhard lawyer in the same vein as Gene Hackman in Runaway Jury (reviewed here)—another Grisham mess—and Rourke is wasted with only moments of screen time that seem pasted on after the fact. Danny Glover is terrific, though, and seems to be enjoying the unwinding of the narrative.

    It's entertaining, but at least part of the enjoyment is akin to watching the fights in hockey or staring at a car crash. How f'ing messed up can something get?

overall: marginally recommended

Breaking Away (1979) - "Dave (Dennis Christopher) and his working-class friends Cyril (Daniel Stern), Moocher (Jackie Earle Haley) and Mike (Dennis Quaid) spend their post-high school days in Bloomington, Indiana, sparring with snooty students from the local university, chasing girls and--in Dave's case--dreaming of competitive bicycle racing. The four friends face opposition from all corners as they decide to make Dave's dreams come true in the university's annual bicycle endurance race."
length: 1 hour, 41 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I hadn't seen it in a while (previously reviewed here) and recall it being a good one
IMDB: 7.7/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 95% Audience: 88%
my IMDB: 8/10

AFI: 100 Years ... 100 Cheers (2006) #8 

    10 Top 10 (2008) Sports #8

MPAA rating: PG

notable quote: "'How are you fellas doing?'

    'Well, we're a little disturbed by developments in the Middle East, but...'"

directed by: Peter Yates

my notes: charming, funny, and thought-provoking. Dennis Christopher is engaging and compelling without being a particularly attractive or "good" character. The parents' storyline is particularly interesting, watching this as someone more their age than his. The other guys in the gang are pretty good, particularly Daniel Stern in his first movie role. It's too bad he's turned into "that guy from Home Alone."

Academy Award winner: Best Writing, Screenplay written directly for the screen—Steve Tesich
Academy Award nominee:
• Best Picture—Yates

• Best Supporting Actress—Barbara Barrie

• Best Director—Yates 

• Best Music, Original Song Score and its adaptation or Best Adaptation Score—Patrick Williams
overall:  recommended

Conspiracy Theory (1997) - "New York City cabbie Jerry Fletcher (Mel Gibson) is an expert on paranoid conspiracy theories. He is also infatuated with government lawyer Alice Sutton (Julia Roberts), who permits his attention because he once rescued her from a mugging. However, when Jerry is captured and put through psychotic tests by Dr. Jonas (Patrick Stewart), he realizes there is an actual conspiracy. After escaping, Jerry enlists Alice's help, but she wonders whether he has uncovered a real threat or is just insane."
length: 2 hours, 15 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because:  I remember it being weird, funny, uncomfortable and romantic, and wanted to know if I recalled it right (previously reviewed here)
IMDB: 6.7/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 57% Audience: 64%
my IMDB: 8/10

MPAA rating: R

notable quote: "'This is, like, the best dream I ever had.'

    [. . .]

    'Can you untie me?'"

directed by: Richard Donner

my notes: I like this movie very, very much. I think the characters are believable, compelling, and well motivated. (Cylk Cozart is particularly good as the oft-smacked Agent Lowry.) 

    The story is only crazy if you don't believe. 

    It's love.

overall:  recommended

 

[the title quotation is from Conspiracy Theory]

as for myself, mine was a deeper drought, I drank and thirsted still

Love me no more, now let the god depart, 

If love be grown so bitter to your tongue! 

Here is my hand; I bid you from my heart 

Fare well, fare very well, be always young. 

As for myself, mine was a deeper drought, 

I drank and thirsted still; but I surmise 

My kisses are now sand against your mouth, 

Teeth in your palm and pennies in your eyes. 

Speak but one cruel word, to shame my tears; 

So, but in going, stiffen up my back 

To meet the yelping of the mustering year—

Dim, trotting shapes that seldom will attack 

Two with a light who match their steps and sing: 

To one alone and lost, another thing. 

 

[Edna St. Vincent Millay {1892-1950} 'Love me no more', from Fatal Interview]

in order to be able to live our life, we have to stop that radio inside, turn off our internal discourse

    I am fascinated by the sorts of quizzes designed to help a person know more about who they really are. One that I just tried is Who Am I Meant to Be?, a short (5 minutes maybe?) test of identity and potential, a little hard thinking needed.  

    from the creator: 

    Forget your career. Forget your role as a mother or a wife. Forget how much money you make or how successful you are. If you're struggling with the question "Who am I meant to be?", this quiz can help you figure out what really defines you. 

    Based on personality science, I have identified seven "striving styles," modes of thought and behavior that direct us to seek satisfaction in different ways. 

    Although everybody is wired with all seven styles, most people have one that dominates. When you engage this innate style, you've got the best shot at fulfilling your potential; when you don't, you can feel stuck.

In my results below, the stuff with which I particularly agree is in italics, and most highly apt are in red bold.

---

Striving to be Knowledgeable 

 

You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. 

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance. 

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive. 

 

Striving to be Creative 

 

You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. 

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. 

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

[the title quotation is by Thich Nhat Hanh, from Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise]

soon silence will have passed into legend. Man has turned his back on silence

1 How many credit cards do you have? How often do you use them? 

     I have 6 credit cards, all major, and one store card that's in the process of closing. I use one card for nearly everything because it earns such great (cash) rewards, and another as the main back-up in case the first is being balky. Two of the others have such a stupidly high interest rate that I keep them only for their value to my credit score; I use them each once or twice a year just to maintain the accounts. And one of them—which happens to be the card from my former employer—has extremely frustrating and stupid "anti-fraud" policies that render the card pointless; it's impossible to use it outside some fuzzy, undefined geographic area without first gaining permission from the bank. Since I really don't think to pre-approve my travel plans with them prior to heading out, I could just as well cut up the card. (However, for the same reason as the others, I make a charge or two a year to keep the credit alive.)

 

2 How often do you leisurely eat a meal with friends? 

     I go out with my walking buddy once every week or two. We lost our indoor walking space when the local "mall" was acquired by a school (yet another baffling development in a town that's increasingly heedless and weird), so we have to wait a few more months before we can go walking again. We seem to have settled into about a 10-day cycle, which is fulfilling and low-pressure, for two people who need both of those. So far we've been to a Chinese place a couple of times, and two of the hometown pizza options.

    My closest friend from the financial place is a big Mexican food fan. When our schedules allow, we meet for lunch every month or so, alternating between her favorite and my favorite restaurant. Her job is cyclical, though, and there are a couple times of year that are simply impossible to plan even for a 90-minute lunch. When we can make it happen, it is inevitably a high point of my week. We eat (duh), talk, laugh a lot, commiserate on the job situations (particularly hers, which is stressful and frustrating), gossip about current and former coworkers, and catch up on family life. We were good colleagues when we worked together, and have transitioned that to being closer friends since.

    I used to go to dinner "once a quarter" with the woman whose family bought my former house. We also worked together (albeit at more of a distance) at the financial place. However, I realized I was doing all the work to suggest, plan, organize, remind, and then prod again, to make those events happen. She worked in an office and has a couple of kids, and told me that her life is "busier and more crazy" than mine. I also realized that the relationship, generally, was not reciprocal, when literally one day after we met for dinner, she announced a huge job change—and I found out because someone knew we'd had dinner together the night before, and wanted to commend me on not spilling the secret. Ha! Easy enough not to share secrets never heard before.

 

3 What sound drives you crazy? 

     boots walking on very cold snow. It makes a squeak that is somewhat like the squeak of styrofoam (well, any "closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam") but somehow exponentially worse. By the end of the winter it's enough to make my teeth ache.

 

4 What sound lulls you to sleep? 

    green noise or brown noise. White noise hits me wrong and makes me more alert.

    As an aside, the word 'noise' starts to seem strange when typed several times in a row. 

     

5 How often do you read the newspaper? Which sections do you turn to first? 

     I don't ever read a paid one, unless I'm VERY bored and someone else has acquired one. In that case, I will start with Sports. 

    For a while after I moved from the Flat, I continued my subscription to the big (north side) city paper. I would get it a day or two after publication. It was interesting, but eventually it made me feel more homesick than comforted. There's no sense in seeking that out. 

    There's a free local paper here, one that publishes twice each week. I tend to accumulate them and then flip through a stack of six or so at a time. In that one I work front to back, and only scan for familiar names or big local scandals.

 

6 In one sentence, how would you describe your oldest friend? 

     Jennifer is undemonstrative, loving, funny, loyal, complicated, and more beautiful now than she was as a beautiful child.

 

7 What items do you currently have stored in the trunk of your car? 

     my "cold bag" (a fairly shoddy attempt at the things I'd need to survive in the cold if my car can't get me someplace warmer), a collapsible crate (to hold groceries upright, etc., which is incredibly handy and used all the time), and cords & cables (bungee, jumper)

 

 [from The Complete Book of Questions : 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion; the title quotation is by Jean Arp, from Arp on Arp: poems, essays, memories]

mixed with his madness is truth

As the mind of man grows broader, so do his creeds; 

And his gods they are shaped in his image and mirror his needs; 

And he clothes them with thunders and beauty, he clothes them with music and fire; 

Seeing not as he bows by their altars that he worships his own desires. 

And mixed with his trust there is terror, and mixed with his madness is truth, 

And every man grovels in error, and every man glimpses a truth. 

For all of the creeds are false, and all of the creeds are true; 

And low at the shrines where my brothers bow, there will I bow, too; 

For no form of a god, and no fashion Man has made in his desperate passion, 

But is worthy some worship of mine; — 

Neither hot with a gross belief, 

Nor yet too cold with pride, 

I will bow me down where my brothers bow, 

Humble — but open-eyed! 

 

[Don Marquis (D.R.P. Marquis) {1878-1937} 'The God-Maker, Man']

it's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast—you also miss the sense of where you are going and why

1 If you were to have your friends, in private, attribute a single quality to you, what would you want it to be? 

     I'd like them to think me good at observation. That I notice the things that other people don't, but that they wish people could see.

 

2 If you could have a secret camera in any one room in the world, what room would you put it in? 

    a corporate boardroom, while a finance committee is discussing stock prices. It wouldn't exactly be insider trading, right?

    Kidding, SEC: 

I didn't really mean it, wouldn't do it, and only made a joke. 

Really!

 

3 If you could make a film from any book never produced as a film, what book would you pick? 

    besides those I've mentioned already—The Path Between the Seas (1977) could be an awesome epic, heartbreaking and inspiring and visually awesome.

 

4 If you could have a voodoo doll that functioned for one person you know, who would that person be, and what would you use it for? 

    anyone who's said or implied that headaches are "all in your head" would get a sharp jab behind the right eye

 

5 If you could have been a jury member in any court case in history, which trial would you choose? 

     The People of the State of California v. Orenthal James Simpson

    There are few cases that have grasped the public attention and imagination like that one did, and I wish that there'd been someone present who understood the law and gave a damn about it. The result of that trial was completely insane. 

    Wouldn't it be nice if some sort of reanalysis could be required when a criminal trial and a civil trial regarding the same legal acts have such disparate results?

 

6 If you could discover that something you thought was true was actually false, what would you wish it to be? 

    that my family member with a serious illness was misdiagnosed and is going to recover, fully and fast

 

7 If you could have been told one thing that you weren't told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard? 

    slow the fuck down. You don't need to do it all at once, and slower can be better.

 

[from If...Questions for the Game of Life; the title quotation is from Eddie Cantor]