we have our little say and then are silent

Jake, for the record, life does go on. Tuesday 

gives way to Wednesday unremarkably. 

The stars in their firmament behave like stars. 

The morning traffic makes its mindless way 

from one preoccupation to another. 

Little changes. You knew as much yourself: 

we have our day and others after us, 

into their sparkling moment and out beyond. 

We have our little say and then are silent. 

But still, you met the mourners at the door, 

and pressed the heavens with their lamentations 

and tried to make some sense of all of it, 

then saw them to the edge and home again— 

the way we see you now, our level man, 

out of the morning's worship into the sun, 

the coach at the curb, and on your way again. 

 

[Thomas Lynch {1948- } ‘Fr. Andrews’, from Walking Papers]

though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 

    my high school friend Andrew. He's gone on to not-unexpected good things that I'd like to know more about.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 

    sure, why not? Make me a famous writer—but only after I've died and my brilliance is unexpectedly discovered.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 

    is there any point in working out? If I keep exercising as I have been, even at my best, will it make any difference at all in my life? Is it literally just a waste of time? Ought I to be spending those minutes, even hours, doing something joyful? Is it worth all the blisters, aches, bug bites, sunburns, and complaining? Will I ever fit into that dress? Will I spend my entire life second-guessing what I eat, or over taking a nap instead of a walk, or even prioritizing work or play or relaxing over a workout?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

    sure. I've dreamed of shaving my head a few times lately. Why haven't I done it? It's getting on toward winter in this part of the world, and hair provides a little insulation.

    I've dreamed of having a pool table in my basement. Why not? It would cost an absolute fortune to buy a table and have it installed in my basement, which is not quite big (nor the ceilings tall) enough to play comfortably. It would also throw off doing anything else down there.

    I've also dreamed of visiting Iceland, and it hasn't happened because: I can't take that much time off work; also can't afford to get there or, once there, to do anything adventurous; I've heard that even trying to photograph the scenery is depressing because it's so awesome in person and so hard to translate to a still image; and, I wouldn't enjoy a vacation like that on my own. 

25. Make three true “we” statements about someone you love.

    • We have a similar dry, sly, bizarre sense of humor. Most people don't really 'get' us at first (or ever).

    • We both love homemade bread. I prefer it slathered with salty butter, and they prefer it plain or in a sandwich.

    • We become more alike as we age. The sense of humor, the intolerance for people who drain our energy, the repugnance for leaving the house at all at least one day a week (which happens to be Sunday for both of us), the preference for hometown hardware stores to national chains (because they are staffed by people who can quickly and skillfully locate just the right whatever you need, rather than wandering endless aisles of screws or pipe adhesive or plant food) and so on.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...“ 

    life, pizza, bed, politics, sweatshirts, vacation, milkshakes, long quiet walks, heads of lettuce, real kisses, laundry...

[based on "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings" by Arthur Aron, et. al, and adapted from "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Modern Love" by Daniel Jones, published January 9, 2015—a 9-year-old article that remains behind a paywall here but is republished in plenty of other places; the title quotation is by Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest]

after you cry, you still have to live life

Average rating: 6.25, thanks to one surprisingly awful ending.

Kiss Me Deadly (1955) - "One evening, private detective Mike Hammer (Ralph Meeker) picks up a strange woman, Christina (Cloris Leachman), who's standing on the highway wearing only a trench coat. They're stopped farther on by strangers who knock out Mike and murder Christina. Although warned not to investigate by the police, Mike and his girlfriend and assistant, Velda (Maxine Cooper), become ensnared in a dark plot involving scientist Dr. Soberin (Albert Dekker) and Christina's terrified roommate, Lily (Gaby Rodgers)."
length: 1 hour, 46 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: it got some good reviews and appears on an alternate best-list
IMDB: 7.5/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 98% Audience: 84%
my IMDB: 3/10

notable quote: "'You're never around when I need you.'

    'You never need me when I'm around.'"

MPAA rating: NR

directed by: Robert Aldrich

my notes: practically the definition of film noir, this is quite a movie. Driving drunk and all over the road, smoking pointlessly and incessantly, gang fighting, the "hero" smooching any dame who comes near... The main character is an offensive, arrogant jerk. 

    And then it goes completely off the rails, with a bizarre, propagandistic, unexpectedly stupid and very poorly acted and shot detour into Sci Fi.

overall:  not recommended

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981) - "After avenging the death of his wife and young son at the hands of a vicious gang leader, Max (Mel Gibson) drives the post-apocalyptic highways of the Australian outback, fending off attacks from nomadic tribes that prey on outsiders. Falling into an encampment led by the relatively peaceful Pappagallo (Mike Preston), Max at first schemes to steal their oil, but soon becomes the group's reluctant defender against the hulking Humungus (Kjell Nilsson) and his ruthless marauders."

length: 1 hour, 36 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from my parents' collection
I watched it because: I saw the first movie in the series this past April (reviewed here) and want to watch the whole shebang in order
IMDB: 7.6/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 94% Audience: 86%
my IMDB: 7/10

notable quote: "No! It's my snake. I trained it, I'm going to eat it! I got a recipe for snake. Delicious. Fricassee of reptile. You are what you eat."

MPAA rating: R

directed by: George Miller

my notes: crazy movie. There's basically 3 scenes, the last of which is at least 30 minutes long. It's extremely intense, violent, and (putting it mildly) stunt-heavy. Achieving continuity in that scene must have been a major challenge! I'm really impressed that the movie didn't cost a zillion dollars, given all the shit they blew up. Awesome action, terrifically filmed, and some surprisingly good acting (LOVE Bruce Spence as The Gyro Captain!). Mel Gibson with the beat-up face, too... good stuff.

overall:  recommended

The Palm Beach Story (1942) - "This screwball comedy finds married couple Tom (Joel McCrea) and Gerry Jeffers (Claudette Colbert) in a strained relationship, largely due to financial difficulties. Gerry decides to leave Tom, a struggling architect, and head to Palm Beach in order to marry a wealthy man who could fund Tom's projects. When Tom follows Gerry, they cross paths with the quirky millionaire John D. Hackensacker III (Rudy Vallee) and his chatty, husband-seeking sister, Princess Centimillia (Mary Astor)."
length: 1 hour, 28 minutes

source: streamed on Amazon Prime
I watched it because: I'm in Joel McCrea fever
IMDB: 7.5/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 97% Audience: 81%
my IMDB: 8/10

AFI: 100 Years…100 Laughs (2000) #77

notable quote: "I was broke too when I was about your age, but I didn't have a figure like you've got. I had to use my brains. You'll get over it. You'll get over being young, too. Someday you'll wake up and find everything behind you. Gives you quite a turn. Makes you sorry for a few of the things you didn't do while you still could."

MPAA rating: Approved

directed by: Preston Sturges

my notes: adorable. Terrific cast—Rudy Vallee is a special treat—and a clever script. "Tom and Gerry" made me laugh. Robert Dudley as the Wienie King is hilarious.

overall:  strongly recommended

Fearless {Huo Yuan Jia} (2006) - "After a terrible tragedy, a martial artist (Jet Li) retreats to a remote village to gain a new appreciation for the important things in life, but when he returns to the city to reconcile his past with the present, he gets caught up in a duel to the death defending China's honor."
length: 1 hour, 44 minutes

source: I own the DVD
I watched it because: it's been too long since I've seen it
IMDB: 7.6/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 73% Audience: 86%
my IMDB: 7/10

notable quote: "There is no know that cannot be untangled."

MPAA rating: PG-13

directed by: Ronny Yu

my notes: sweet, beautiful, sad, inspiring. Jet Li is marvelous in the title role, rarely looking so fluid and stunning. Li Sun is lovely as delicate, kind Moon. The cinematography would be hard to beat—the lotus planting scene is incredible.

overall: much recommended

 

[the title quotation is from Fearless]

it's a lot harder to find happiness if you're only searching in one place. Sometimes, you just have to throw away the map

1. You've got an idea for a wildly erotic story—will you write it? 

    if it was a good idea for a good story that had a legitimate chance of publication and happened to be wildly erotic, then I can imagine actually writing such a thing. Anything short of that, and anything that's terribly personal, wouldn't have the slimmest hope of seeing the light of day.

 

2. Are there any little tricks you'd like to share? 

    - listen

    - breathe

    - speak up

    - trim & file your nails

    - make an offer

    - be kind to yourself and others

    - laugh

 

catty

3. If they asked, would you rate a former lover on a scale of one to ten? How about a current one?

    God, no. I don't think anything good can come of such a thing! There are some circumstances where too much honesty is dangerous. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to share such information with me!

    That being said, I've done it (rated, and even made a list), and would do it again, but only for my own edification.

 

4. Would you wish to go shopping for sexy lingerie with a partner, or a potential partner? 

    no, I think that the shopping isn't the sexy part, but the wearing (and being willing to wear). Anyway, from a practical standpoint the shopping can be a bit uncomfortable, ridiculous and embarrassing. A lot of what's out there is, uh, not for everyone, y'know? It can take a while to find what works.

 

5. "Clues to the treasure...." Would you create a map of your body and indicate where and when you'd like to be touched during sex? 

    snort  

    I'm never going to discourage communication, especially with an intimate partner. 

    Despite this general rule, I'm also not going to draw a fucking diagram, with labels and footnotes and a timeline. 

    And yep, that pun was intended.

 

6. If you were to have sex with a celebrity, who would it be? 

    good sex is not solely about finding an attractive body to bounce off of (or with). If I'm not emotionally connected to someone (or, preferably, with someone), then their physical attractiveness ain't gonna make up the difference.

 

7. Would you be nervous or excited in a sex shop? 

    would it shock the world to know that I've experienced such a thing already? They're a lot like any other sort of specialty store: some are squalid, some are surprisingly posh, and most are somewhere in between. I was barfing nervous the first time—which was with a high school friend (we were still in high school), close to where I grew up, and particularly squalid. I was excited/nervous the last time—which was in an especially shady part of a city where I'd never been, with someone who made me nervous-excited on the average day. Most of the time it's awkward, surreal, and vaguely embarrassing.

 

 [from 269 Red Hot XXX-Rated Questions; the title quotation is by Cora Carmack, from Finding It]

for days they had to call me twice to get a single answer

Reality is not limited to the tactile: 

still, we touch our own faces, as if by the slide 

of fingers over cheekbones, eyelids, lips, 

we can check that we are not dreaming. This is 

the life of the body, the life of gesture, 

tangible, a palm against the skin. 

When I put my hand to your face it becomes a caress, 

but here, against my own, it is disbelief 

or wonder. 

The questions are hard, as when medieval scholars 

divvied up the body in debate 

as to where the soul hung its ephemeral hat— 

and those who plumped for the heart laboring its fenced-in field 

shouted down those others who felt God’s messages 

precisely in the pit of the stomach, 

while the ancients reasoned the brain, the unromantic brain, 

and virtually every organ had its champion . . . 

Their filigree of argument confounds me 

just as, then, 

the suddenness of love left me dazed: 

for days they had to call me twice 

to get a single answer—I was deaf 

and breathless and stunned. It was not 

as if the world were new and beautiful. 

It was, instead, as if I had unlearned 

to use my hands 

and feet. Where does the life of the body 

leave off, the life of the spirit start? When 

does the mouthful of air move beyond breathing 

towards magic? We made 

a spectacle of ourselves, dancing about 

like clowns in huge shoes, goofy with happiness, 

inarticulate in all but the lexicon 

of sexual flesh; 

and the soul, from its short-leased home 

among the muscles, sent its respects, 

or so we are told . . . 

Even in Paradise, the light-filled spirits 

long for their resurrection, 

and Dante is surprised that they miss their bodies: 

“Not only for themselves,” he speculates, 

“but for their mothers and fathers, and for the others 

dear to them on earth,” 

souls wistful for flesh, nostalgic 

for their faraway, simple selves who walked about 

and who. lifting and seeing their hands, 

thought suddenly one day These touch, caress, stroke; 

who found in the body a bridge beyond it 

and coined the word beloved. And thus we performed 

for ourselves the seamless changing over 

of element to element, 

body to air, solid to spirit, magic trick 

or miracle, without knowing the particular 

spell or prayer or luck that made it quicken. 

 

 [Janet Holmes, 'The Love of the Flesh' from Tar River Poetry]

tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are

    I am fascinated by the sorts of quizzes designed to help a person know more about who they really are. One of my favorites is the 16Personalities Free Personality Test, a fairly short (5 minutes maybe?) test of personality type, no hard thinking needed. I've taken it once before, in 2014, with results shared here.

    This time, my results are unchanged except in percentages. The stuff with which I particularly agree is in italics, and most highly apt are in red bold. This one's consistent.

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost." J.R.R. Tolkien

 

    As an INFP (Mediator), you possess a rich inner world brimming with imagination, empathy, and idealism. Your compassionate nature and deep-seated desire to understand the human experience make you a natural confidant and source of support for those around you. You approach life with a sense of wonder, always seeking meaning and authenticity in your experiences and relationships. 

    Your creativity is a wellspring of inspiration, often manifesting in unique ideas and innovative solutions to complex problems. However, this same creativity can sometimes lead you to become lost in daydreams, making it challenging to navigate the more practical aspects of life. You have a profound capacity for empathy, allowing you to connect with others on a deep, almost intuitive level.

    Your introspective nature drives you to continually explore your own thoughts, feelings, and values. This self-awareness is a powerful tool for personal growth, but it can also lead to excessive self-criticism. You’re highly attuned to criticism from others as well, which can sometimes leave you feeling vulnerable or misunderstood. 

    Despite these challenges, your unwavering commitment to your ideals and your ability to see the best in others make you a powerful force for good in the world. Your journey is one of balancing your rich inner life with the demands of the external world, always striving to bring more beauty, kindness, and authenticity into your life and the lives of those around you. 

 2 Your Career Path

    In your professional life, you’re driven by a deep-seated need for meaning and purpose. You thrive in environments that allow you to express your creativity, help others, and stay true to your values. Careers in counseling, teaching, writing, or the arts often appeal to your nurturing nature and imaginative spirit. However, finding the right fit can be a journey of trial and error, as you navigate the balance between your ideals and the realities of the working world.  

    Your ability to think outside the box and empathize with others makes you a valuable asset in many fields, particularly those requiring innovative problem-solving or interpersonal skills. Yet, you may struggle with highly structured environments or roles that involve a lot of routine tasks. Your challenge lies in finding a career that not only aligns with your values but also provides the flexibility and autonomy you crave, allowing you to make a meaningful impact while staying true to yourself.  

• Your Strengths 

    - Creative Visionary: Your imagination fuels innovative solutions and fresh perspectives.

    - Values-Driven Professional: Your strong principles guide you towards meaningful and fulfilling work. 

    - Empathetic Collaborator: Your deep understanding of others fosters harmonious team dynamics. 

    - Adaptable Problem-Solver: Your flexibility allows you to navigate complex challenges with ease.  

• Your Weaknesses 

    - Idealistic Expectations: Your lofty standards may clash with practical workplace realities. 

    - Conflict Avoidant: Your discomfort with confrontation can hinder necessary discussions. 

    - Perfectionist: Your pursuit of flawlessness may slow down project completion. 

    - Sensitive to  Criticism: Your emotional nature can make constructive criticism feel personal.

 3 Your Personal Growth

    For you, personal growth is an ongoing journey of self-discovery and authenticity. You’re constantly seeking to understand yourself better and to align your actions with your deeply held values. This process of introspection and self-improvement is both rewarding and challenging, as you navigate the complexities of your rich emotional landscape.  

    Your path to growth often involves learning to balance your idealism with practicality, and developing the resilience to face life’s inevitable disappointments. While your empathy and imagination are great strengths, learning to set boundaries and develop practical skills can help you navigate the world more effectively. Embracing your unique perspective while also accepting your limitations is key to your personal development journey.  

• Your Strengths 

    - Self-Aware: Your introspective nature fuels profound personal insights. 

    - Authentic: Your commitment to being genuine inspires those around you. 

    - Growth-Oriented: Your passion for self-improvement drives continuous development.      

    - Emotionally Intelligent: Your deep understanding of emotions enhances personal connections.  

• Your Weaknesses 

    - Perfectionist: Your quest for ideal outcomes can hinder progress and action. 

    - Emotionally Sensitive: Your sensitivity to feelings may lead to stress and burnout. 

    - Self-Doubting: Your introspection can sometimes morph into negative self-talk. 

    - Procrastinator: Your tendency to delay tasks can impede personal goals.

 4 Your Relationships

    In relationships, you seek deep, meaningful connections that honor your need for authenticity and personal growth. Your empathy and intuitive understanding of others make you a compassionate friend and partner, capable of forming bonds that go beyond surface-level interactions. You have a gift for creating safe spaces where others feel understood and accepted. 

    However, your idealistic nature can sometimes lead to challenges in relationships. You may struggle with conflict or become disappointed when others don’t live up to your high expectations. Learning to communicate your needs effectively, set healthy boundaries, and accept others (and yourself) as imperfect beings is crucial for building lasting, fulfilling relationships. While you value close connections, you also need time alone to recharge and reconnect with yourself.  

• Your Strengths 

    - Highly Empathetic: Your intuitive understanding of others fosters deep connections. 

    - Loyal: Your unwavering commitment strengthens bonds over time. 

    - Inspiring: Your optimistic outlook encourages partners to dream big. 

    - Emotionally Deep: Your comfort with feelings creates profoundly intimate relationships.  

• Your Weaknesses 

    - Difficulty Expressing: Putting your deep feelings into words can be challenging. 

    - Conflict Avoidance: Your discomfort with discord can leave issues unresolved. 

    - Self-Expression Issues: Your difficulty articulating needs can create misunderstandings. 

    - Need for Space: Your need for alone time might be misinterpreted as disinterest.

 5 Academic and Learning Styles

    Your academic journey is driven by a deep-seated desire for authenticity and personal meaning. You approach learning with creativity and empathy, often excelling in subjects that allow for self-expression and exploration of human experiences. Your rich inner world and vivid imagination can lead to unique insights, particularly in literature, arts, and humanities. 

    In educational settings, you thrive when given the freedom to pursue topics that align with your values and interests. However, you might struggle with subjects or assignments that feel overly structured or disconnected from real-world application. Your tendency to procrastinate on tasks that don’t inspire you can be a challenge, but when truly engaged, you’re capable of producing work of exceptional depth and originality. Group projects may be difficult if they don’t align with your ideals, but your ability to understand diverse perspectives can make you a valuable team member.  

• Your Strengths 

    - Intuitive Connections: Your ability to draw unexpected links between diverse subjects often leads to unique insights and perspectives in academic discussions. 

    - Nuanced Perspective: Your ability to consider multiple viewpoints simultaneously allows you to engage in rich, multifaceted analysis of the topics that capture your interest. 

    - Empathetic Analysis: Your intuitive understanding of people allows for nuanced interpretations in subjects that deal with the human condition. 

    - Conceptual Synthesis: A talent for weaving together disparate ideas allows you to create unique theoretical frameworks, often bridging gaps between different academic disciplines.  

• Your Weaknesses 

    - Perfectionist Tendencies: Your pursuit of an idealized vision of your work can sometimes lead to procrastination or difficulty completing assignments. 

    - Emotional Reactivity: Strong personal reactions to certain topics or classroom dynamics may occasionally interfere with your ability to engage in objective analysis. 

    - Resistance to Critique: Feedback that doesn’t align with your vision might be challenging to accept, potentially hindering your growth in certain areas. 

    - Difficulty with Routine: Repetitive tasks or rote memorization can feel stifling, making it challenging for you to engage with more structured aspects of coursework.

 

[the title quotation is by José Ortega y Gasset]

we are put on this planet only once, and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds

    This is the next of several (seven?) posts that springs from an article, essentially listing "the most [x] book I've read." Having worked through the list in book form (e.g. here), I've decided to do the same with movies.   

 

The maddest movie I saw—again, not sure how to respond to this except by taking it each of two ways. 

    First, The most angry movie I saw: High Plains Drifter (1973)

    Violent, unforgivable (The Rape Scene), and foul, this is 105 minutes of anger and revenge. It is a well-made, awful movie that made me angry, and that I don't need to see again.

    (reviewed here)

 

    Second, The most crazy movie I saw: Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

    Some movies are intentionally created as disparate, loose threads to start with and the later gradually woven together into a coherent picture. This is one of those stories, stocked with wackos who only appear functional when compared to and contrasted with each other. So many indelible scenes, including the premier example of "cutting off at the knees."

    (reviewed here and here)

 

The most important movie I saw: Triumph of the Will (1935)

    The most powerful, exquisite, dangerous propaganda film ever made. It is another example of how something can be important and powerful yet completely devoid of humanity or appeal or the most remotely good feelings.

    (described here)

 

The most Scottish movie I saw: as with the book prompts, this both doesn't make sense to me and isn't really possible. (Well, I guess there's Braveheart [1995], but that's too much of a gimme.)

    Instead, The most romantic movie I saw: In the Mood for Love (2000)

    Keep in mind, my idea of 'a romantic movie' is not exactly the typical. If you're looking for saccharine, standard American rom-com, no thinking allowed, then you won't like this movie at all. If, on the other hand, you recognize that romantic love is not at the peak of the pyramid but instead one piece of a much bigger puzzle, then you might like it. If you are attracted more by complexity than the simple (or, God forbid, the simplistic, which does NOT mean "simple"), then this might be a movie for you. If you swoon over tenderness and longing... just watch it.

    (reviewed here)

 

The most surprising movie I saw: The Lives of Others (2006) 

    If you want to see this, I recommend knowing nothing about it before you watch it. Have no preconceived notions, no expectations, and nothing else to rely on. I want you to be blown away, as I was.

    (reviewed here)

 

[based on this post; the title quotation is from Roger Ebert]

an expressway of talk, fast and funny

Could never place him. 

But I'd go into 

BAR on 2nd Avenue 

and there he was, face 

lighting up, helpful 

silly and eager, yes 

started again 

and now unstoppable 

on an expressway 

of talk, fast and funny, but 

after half an hour 

I'd edge away. 

 

J.J., 

he said, J.J., 

that's my name. 

Talked, that time, 

of getting something published 

--So, you write! I said. 

Why, didn't you know, 

his smile triumphant, 

I was 

Frank O'Hara's last lover. 

 

Didn't see him again. 

It was like having met 

--years afterwards-- 

Fanny Brawne 

full of bounce, or 

Degen, the conceited 

baker's boy. 

 

No it wasn't. 

 

Rather, it was like having met 

Nell Gwyn, 

on the way down, 

good-natured, losing weight, 

still chatting about spaniels. 

 

[Thom Gunn {1929-2004}, 'Famous Friends' from Boss Cupid]

everyone knows that ice cream is worth the trouble of being cold. Like all things virtuous, you have to suffer to gain the reward

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 

    I'm pretty sure I will die of a heart attack when I'm not very old.

8. Name three things that you and your ideal partner would have in common. 

    • strong interest in books and reading, sharing, discussing, considering, and wanting more; the sorts of shops that have the best books, how many to buy, what sort to seek, and what we'll need to trade when it's over 
    • certain, distinct aspects of our diets: some favorite foods, enjoyable restaurants, and some treats; good meals for movie-watching or game day; where to stop for quick food when traveling. How to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Some foods that are a joy to dislike (cauliflower, pecan pie, crab/lobster {because literally breaking into something isn't a delicious thought}). Ice cream flavors to share.

    • the desire to make each other's lives better/easier/smoother—and prehaps with different ideas of what that would mean, how it would work, and the difference it would make to either of us

19. What is your most-used emoji?

20. What does leadership mean to you? What traits make up a good leader, in your mind?

    • Trustworthiness. Being, and making sure others know that you are, someone to be relied on. Showing up when needed, answering messages and calls and questions. 

• Approachability. Not just saying you have an open-door policy, but following through with being available, listening, and responding thoughtfully.

    • Authenticity. The face you show is, as much as possible, the face you feel.

    • Pro-development of others. Encouraging and facilitating and prioritizing learning and growth. Make it possible for others to learn (in their own way) and change.

    • Courage. Stand up for yourself, for your coworkers, for your company, and for doing the right thing. Willingness to swim against the stream and to be a voice in the darkness.

    • Self-confidence. This is distinct from courage and certainly from arrogance or bossiness. It is having an attitude about the combination of skills and abilities that set one apart. It is a conviction, not of being right all the time or perfect, but of the capability to handle a task or experience.

    • Team building. I don't mean the common concept of this, to just hold discrete events that
are called team-building but are actually about foisting extroversion and competition and ultimately about reinforcing the favoritism hierarchy. I mean, doing what you can to help people share their strengths, be encouraging, and truly be reliable when others need support.

    • Empathy. Identifying with someone else's struggle or problem, and caring that they're going through something and that they come out whole on the other side. Shutting up and listening. Seeing things from a different perspective.

    • Fairness. Keeping personal feelings separate from the path of achievement. Depending on the circumstances, it can mean treating people equally (every person on staff has the option to work from home, not just those who "deserve" it) or in a way that is right and reasonable (on days when you are not scheduled to see clients, any employee can wear more casual clothing). Fairness depends on individual circumstances (such as a person performing a certain task being equipped with a specialized tool or software package) and, at heart, is about removing bias or preference

    • Curiosity. Having, keeping, and encouraging an open mind. Considering different solutions or preferences. Embracing new ideas. Challenging one's own and others' biases. Being receptive.
31. Tell something that you like about your current (or a past) partner. 

    they were always, always willing to make a rest stop while traveling. Many people, particularly men, have a weird mindset against this—perpetuating the idea of a "small bladder" (which is anatomically inaccurate). It's enough to make someone suffer discomfort (or worse) solely to protect someone else's idea of timing. 

    It was awfully nice to spend time with someone who absolutely never made even a frown about the need for stopping.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? 

     I don't know if it's "too serious," but I really don't like to be teased about my relationship with my family. I also don't think that jokes based on racism, misogyny, or disability are remotely funny, and they automatically make me embarrassed for and disgusted by the person making them.

[based on "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings" by Arthur Aron, et. al, and adapted from "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Modern Love" by Daniel Jones, published January 9, 2015, a 9-year-old article that remains behind a paywall here but is republished in plenty of other places; the title quotation is by Brandon Sanderson, from The Rithmatist]

what's a comfort...? Ohhh.

Average rating: 7.75. Quite an interesting bunch, too.

Trust (1990) - "High school dropout Maria Coughlin (Adrienne Shelly) is having a rough time of it on Long Island. Her father recently died of a heart attack, her boyfriend has left her, and she's pregnant. To make matters even worse, her mother has now kicked her out of the house. But when electronics genius Matthew Slaughter (Martin Donovan) comes into her life, things start to brighten up for Maria. Sure, he's unemployed and a little unhinged, but together they just might have a chance."
length: 1 hour, 47 minutes

source: I own the DVD
I watched it because: it's in my top 3 of all time
IMDB: 7.4/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 80% Audience: 93%
my IMDB: 10/10

notable quote: "'Your job is making you boring and mean.'

    'My job is making me a respectable member of society.'"

MPAA rating: R

directed by: Hal Hartley (also written by)

my notes: quirky, verbose, stylized, romantic, simple and complex at once, funny and tragic. Hartley's movies are so far out of the ordinary that they are hard to explain.

    It's not for everyone, but, what is?

Award winner:

• Sundance Film Festival:

    ° Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award—Hartley

• São Paulo International Film Festival:

    ° Audience Award, Best Feature—Hartley
• Deauville Film Festival:

    ° Audience Award—Hartley

    ° Coup de Coeur LTC—Hartley

overall: most highly recommended

 

Shooter (2007) - "Having seen his spotter buddy Donnie Fenn die as disloyal brass abandoned them on mission, US Marine champion sharpshooter Bob Lee Swagger resigned to live in the Wyoming Rockies, alone with his dog. Colonel Isaac Johnson uses his fellow Medal of Honor reputation and patriot appeal to lure Bob back for a short mission: working out how a 'suspected' sniper could kill the president, speaking at public venues. After his report, a second speaking guest of honor, Ethiopian archbishop Desmond Mutumbo, is killed 'by accident,' and a local cop fails to eliminate Bob. Shot twice and on the run, he handcuffs rookie FBI special agent Nick Memphis and steals his FBI car, which he drives into the river after a long chase. Unable to treat his wounds effectively, he drives to Donnie's widow (Sarah Fenn) in Kentucky. She helps sew him up and assists his search for the culprits, later joined by Nick, who faces dishonorable discharge or worse but smells a rat and dares dig for the nasty truth on Johnson's White House ploy (rescued by Bob before a torture team disposes of him, too). Taking on the schemers proves dangerous for all."

length: 2 hours, 4 minutes

source: streamed on DISH
I watched it because: it was on    (previously mentioned here and reviewed here)
IMDB: 7.1/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 48% Audience: 80%
my IMDB: 7/10    note, this is a rare (heretofore unheard of) example of changing an existing rating

notable quote: "'The world ain't what it seems, is it, gunny?'

    'No, Sir.'

    'You keep that in mind.'"

MPAA rating: R

directed by: Antoine Fuqua

my notes: I liked this far better the third time through than the previous time, which I think means I wasn't in the right mood for it earlier. It's a complex, tight story that holds up well.

    This time around, I was drawn as always to Michael Peña as Nick Memphis (a great role, well played) and especially impressed by Levon Helm as Mr. Rate, the charmingly quirky firearms expert.

overall:  recommended

Django Unchained (2012) - "Two years before the Civil War, Django (Jamie Foxx), a slave, finds himself accompanying an unorthodox German bounty hunter named Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz) on a mission to capture the vicious Brittle brothers. Their mission successful, Schultz frees Django, and together they hunt the South's most-wanted criminals. Their travels take them to the infamous plantation of shady Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), where Django's long-lost wife (Kerry Washington) is still a slave."
length: 2 hours, 45 minutes

source: streamed on DISH
I watched it because: I hadn't seen it
IMDB: 8.5/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 87% Audience: 92%
my IMDB: 8/10

notable quote: "'Does Siegfried save her?'

    'Quite spectacularly so. He scales the mountain, because he's not afraid of it. He slays the dragon, because he's not afraid of him. And he walks through hellfire... because Brünnhilde's worth it.'"

MPAA rating: R

directed by: Quentin Tarantino (and written by)

my notes: shocking, disturbing, funny, and brilliant (but much too long). I definitely need to see it again.

Academy Award winner:
• Best Supporting Actor—Christoph Waltz

• Best Writing, Original Screenplay—Tarantino
Academy Award nominee:
• Best Picture—Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin, Pilar Savone

• Best Cinematography—Robert Richardson

• Best Sound Editing—Wylie Stateman

overall:  recommended

The Wrong Man (1956) - "Musician Manny Balestrero (Henry Fonda) needs money to pay for his wife Rose's (Vera Miles) dental procedure. When he tries to borrow money from their insurance policy, someone at the office mistakes him for a man who had robbed them twice at gunpoint. After Manny is arrested, his defense attorney, Frank O'Connor (Anthony Quayle), works to demonstrate that Manny has an alibi for the crimes. The stress of the case, however, threatens to destroy Manny's family before his name can be cleared."
length: 1 hour, 45 minutes

source: I borrowed the DVD from the public library
I watched it because: I like Henry Fonda, and had heard that it's Hitch's only "based on a true story" film
IMDB: 7.4/10  -  Rotten Tomatoes: Tomatometer: 93% Audience: 75%
my IMDB: 6/10

notable quote: "An innocent man has nothing to fear, remember that."

MPAA rating: Approved

directed by: Alfred Hitchcock

my notes: meh. It's tense, but not in a Hitch way. The law isn't particularly well done, some the acting is mediocre (Richard Robbins as Daniel, oh my lord). Fonda is wasted in this awkward role (he was 50, playing 38, paired with 26-year-old Vera Miles, to whom his character was supposed to have been married for 9 years. Ish.)

overall: marginally recommended

 

[the title quotation is from Django Unchained]

is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness?

1. If the car you were buying for your teenager offered an option to continuously monitor the vehicle's status and location so that you could see where he was and how he was driving, would you? Would you agree to have such a feature on your own car? 

    gosh, continuous monitoring of vehicle use—what a radical idea. This sort of thing happens all the time, though not generally for public consumption. There's all sorts of government monitoring systems (e.g. for people under conditional release from incarceration), insurance applications (e.g. for people who agree to them to get reduced rates), and vehicle companies (ostensibly for "protection" of the vehicle occupants but, in practical reality, they're gathering data for usage and sales). 

    I would not agree to it, even for lower insurance rates or any other seemingly good result. Where I go, how I drive, and any other data that could be retrieved is my own business and not for sale.

2. If you lost your own purse or wallet, do you think there is much of a chance that someone would return it to you? 

    that would depend where it was misplaced, wouldn't it? If I left it in a busy bar or restaurant, I would not expect to get it back intact, if at all. If I left it at my local library's circulation desk, they'd probably deliver it to my house before I even got back there myself. 

    I don't often carry a purse anyway, and my purses are so small that I don't lug around much stuff when I do. Wallet, keys, lip balm. Most of the time, my phone is in my pocket rather than the purse. It's also an unusual enough situation that I am, if anything, hyper-aware of the purse itself and loath to set it down at all. 

3. If you won a housekeeping robot that could do every household task from picking up your clothes to shopping for food and cooking dinner, what would you still want to do yourself? 

    I would futz with my houseplants now and then, though I would for sure leave the task of repotting to the robot.

    I would cook or bake sometimes. Well, rarely. I do like to cook and might do it more often if it weren't a pain to clean up. My dishwasher is not worth the bother, so I hand-wash all my dishes. That cuts the motivation to cook in half, or less. 

    Everything else, the robot is welcome to, particularly windows and the bathtub.

4. Would it be murder to obliterate the memory of a conscious computer? What if it were fully backed up? 

    Computer consciousness is not the same as human (or animal) consciousness. Sentience is one of those rare concepts that I think is easy to understand but hard to define; we just know when something is alive, has consciousness, is sentient. 

    In my opinion, based entirely on feelings and the little that I know of the science, is that the "memory" of a computer does not equate in any way to the "mind" or "soul" of a person. Erasing or "obliterating" it is not murder. The concept that it can be "fully backed up" only reinforces that perception—there is no equivalent for animal consciousness.

5. If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, whom would you question and what would you ask? 

    • I would ask a professional movie reviewer for their top 100 (or whatever seemed right) movies, ever. I would probably skew this question toward comedies, since that genre is the hardest for me to connect with.

    • I would ask the same of a contemporary director, e.g. Tarantino or Soderbergh. I would push this toward action or independent films, or maybe those with the best cinematography, since that's the sort of film I gravitate to the most.

    • I would ask my college roommate for her Butterfinger Torte recipe, which she's refused to give. (For what it's worth, the pictured and linked recipe is from the official Butterfinger site, but is nowhere near the version that she used to make.)

6. Do you strive more for security, accomplishment, success, love, power, or excitement? 

    of those, I strive most for security—but would argue that the word is harder to define than it is to achieve. It can cover everything from door locks to finances to personal relationships and beyond. I picked that one because I believe that accomplishment is fleeting, success is illusory, love is a murky pit filled with electric eels armed with throwing stars, power is all in your head, and excitement isn't necessarily a good thing. 

    The sort of security that I'd like: enough money coming in to have some set by for emergencies. Better door locks. Screens that perfectly fit the windows. Somebody I can trust to be there when I need them. Stairway handrails that won't fall off the wall. Motion-sensor lights that function properly (meaning, not turning on when a leaf blows by, and but sensitive enough to startle someone walking around in the dark). Strong insurance that will pay for a variety of health issues plus dental (because dental care is never, ever cheap, is getting more expensive every minute, and seems unending) and vision (because age brings increased need for maintaining good eye care). A vehicle that doesn't require a lot of maintenance (because I drive so little). 

    This list could go on for days. 

7. While running on an icy sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house, you slip and break your leg. Would you sue your neighbor if you stood to make a lot of money? 

    well, yeah, but not because it would be a money-maker. I would do it because that's the practical reality of personal injury in someone else's space, which could have been prevented or mitigated in some way by that property owner making an attempt to preclude it. My insurance wouldn't pay, and they would expect the owner to pay, and the owner would refuse (as would their insurance company)—and a lawsuit would make it happen.

    Anyway, I would hardly be in it to make a lot of money, just to recover from the injury and get back to normal.

 

[from The Book of Questions; the title quotation is by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Half of a Yellow Sun]