Looking Back

An update of "I'm a Freaking Lemming".

27 August 1988
16 1/2 years ago, I:
1. Turned 18, and...
2. Got on with Brett E. in the front seat of his car, near the church in my hometown where they still do services in Polish. The most astute comment in my journal about the experience is that he was a "good kisser."

27 February 1989
16 years ago, I:
1. Was 18 1/2 years old.
2. Went to a house party with some guy named "Randy", about whom I wrote obsessively in my journal for a couple of weeks. I cannot remember him at all. The point of the party was the Mike Tyson/Frank Bruno fight, which I wrote was "better than anything Randy could say or do."

27 August 1989
15 1/2 years ago, I:
1. Turned 19.
2. Some friends had a surprise party for me. They pooled their cash and gave me some nice diamond studs.
3. I had a date with "little Mike Wnuk." That's how I referred to him in my journal. I also wrote this:

Tomorrow I'm going over to see his puppy. He's almost too sweet.

We went to Prairie Island that night after seeing his puppy and made out for hours. He proved himself both less and more than sweet.

27 February 1990
15 years ago, I:
1. Was 19 1/2 years old and unbelievably immature.
2. Didn't have a serious boyfriend.
3. Had declared my History major, finally.
4. Drove a 1980 Plymouth Horizon, badly.
5. Lived in the basement of a friend's home.
6. Had Murf (a Maine Coon, etc.), who lived at Mom & Dad's. She'd been mine since I was 12 and my brother brought her and Herman home from my uncle's farm, buttoned into his jean jacket, on his motorcycle. Their mother had been killed and they were too little to care for themselves. We were going to keep them "only until they were big enough to go back to the farm." Herman was hit by a car on my 13th birthday. Murf was extremely fluffy--she looked like a sheep from the belly down. She lived to be 9.
Had also recently adopted two kittens, P00ke and the one who would eventually be called H0bbes. They lived with me.
7. Wore my hair to mid-back length with mouth-length bangs hanging over my left eye. Not as much makeup as one might expect, but I can't really pull it off with this pale skin anyway.
8. Went to a party (or several different parties?) to say farewell to my friends before leaving for spring break in Cocoa Beach, FL. Had a physical altercation with my friend Darrel, dislocating my shoulder and drawing blood on both of his forearms. Was ill at Hardee's [fast food restaurant] and again at my house.

27 August 1990
14 1/2 years ago, I:
1. Turned 20.
2. Was head-over-heels for Russ.
3. Lost a few friends in the process.

27 February 1995
10 years ago, I was 24 and:
1. Married, for 3 years.
2. Lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which I hated with a passion I hated living in a city. I hated driving there. I hated everything about it. I loved the 'college town' atmosphere, but I hated, hated, hated living in a city.
3. Still worked at Kaplan Educational Center, as the Office Manager. By this point, my good friend Andy was gone. I was working with the RobStuSusan contingent, going insane with their asskissy fratboy attitudes.
4. Had begun graduate work at Eastern Michigan University.
5. Was a little bit infatuated with my thesis advisor.
6. Wore my hair to my waist in Julia Roberts-Pretty Woman spiral curls, dressed up with the tiny-waisted, 20-inch-length black-watch plaid schoolgirl skirt that I wore maybe once a week for a year. Ugh.
5. Still had P00ke & H0bbes. They were two furry bundles of love in an abyss of loneliness.
6. Spent money as fast as I made it, in an effort to not be miserable in A2.

27 February 2000
5 years ago, I was 29 and:
1. Lived in Syc, IL.
2. Had graduated from Northern Ill. University College of Law and passed the Ill. bar in 1999.
3. Had acquired the job that I have now. Fucking job.
4. Wore my hair in Julia Roberts-Pretty Woman spiral curls, but dressed down considerably by my jeans with holes in the knees.
5. Had gained a ton of weight, and looked like a total mutant, a balloon-like image of my former self.

27 February 2003
2 years ago, I was 32 and:
1. Was living at the house that I wasn't entirely sure that we could afford.
2. Was working at this same job, not happily.
3. Had thought seriously about working on my thesis.
4. Had found a friend that I loved. Still love.
5. Hair - still too long, still too curly. Too much hair.

27 February 2004
1 year ago, I was 33 1/2 and:
1. Was still working at the lib., duh.
2. Had begun attending the N*LS Online Data Entry Committee meetings. Realized that there was a whole world of Cat'ing out there of which I'd been unaware. Realized that that wasn't an entirely bad thing (both the world and the previous lack of awareness). Desperately wished I was younger, smarter and more hip so I could actually spend time with J#n!c@ in a non-work fashion. Discovered that The Cat wasn't all work. Began to model myself after Gail.... Ironically, nearly died in a fiery crash next to an unloaded semi on Cherrie Valley Road on my way to an Online Cat'ing Meeting at N*LS HQ. And then was "misplaced" in the Roscoe, IL area briefly on my way home from said meeting. Not lost--I knew where I was; I just didn't want to be there at that time.
3. Spent a great deal of time thinking about faith and belief. Wondering if I am worthy of the good things that happen to me. Questioning my place in the Big Picture. Honestly, wanting more than I've got right now (in some ways). Ruminated on the nature of cute guys at meetings and the flirting therewith. Had George and Aretha running through my head most of the day.
4. Was working in earnest on my thesis. Planned to graduate in December.
5. Wore my hair in a blondeish boblet.
6. Started really challenging myself to think about what I was doing, personally. Asking myself the tough questions. I'd begun the blog, and that made me think about how I wanted to be remembered: as someone who blindly follows the rules, or someone who lives life, every day?!
7. Still weighed a ton.

27 August 2004
6 months ago, I:
1. Turned 34.
2. Punched the living daylights out of someone, and was bruised from elbow to shoulder in return. Saw a frighteningly unforgettable sight. Protection was requested and received. Asked for a birthday gift that I should not have--and did not have it.
3. Ate dinner at Claddagh in Geneva with T, feeling at home and wretched at once for hiding what was in my soul. We drank and cried and ate, and gossiped, and sat in silence, and imagined how it might be, someday.
Someday began about 3 weeks later, spurred by the events of 8/28--a call, a solemn talk, a 'deal', a walk, a sudden invitation, and a 3-hour conversation. Oddly, matching t-shirts. Feet. A dip and tea, and coffee. A dozen (or more?) cigarettes. Salacious notes. An illicit request. Promises that could not be kept, despite best intentions. Something else begun.
4. Blah blah, SP*L, blah blah. I talk, write, and think about work too much.
5. Had started losing weight. A lot, and fast.
6. Had started changing my hair. A lot, and fast.

27 January 2005
One month ago, I:
~ had a second date with Dan, the 22-year-old.

20 February 2005
One week ago, I:
~ had a major, major disappointment served to me by a very, very good friend. Someone I thought knew me, throughout my soul. I hung up on him, but not before beginning to sob--and then I threw my phone at the wall.

26 February 2005
One day ago, I:
1. Went to a class (that I may have not needed, really, but am glad that I attended nonetheless)
2. Dropped some stuff with a guy, after a hell-raising drive through the sticks. At one point, I was driving twice the legal limit. Made it on time, although he was late (assfucker).
3. Didn't eat dinner.

27 February 2005
Today, I:
1. Am 34 1/2. Am hyper. Am up way too late looking at old journals and thinking about 'the me I used to be.'
2. Spent most of the day with the D's. Scones and tea and sympathy. God, I wish I could just turn it all over to them. I moved and reconnected their computer. We looked through catalogs and "bought" things that we can't afford. I tried on clothes and they gave the "yay" or "nay" about what I need to give to Salvation Army, etc.--I've lost about 55 lb. since June '04.
3. Didn't get a parking space. Not right, and not fair. Irritating.
4. Have a pretty cool hairstyle, if I do say so....
5. Polished my toenails: OPI "Don't be Koi with Me". Too orange for my fingers, but cute on toes. 6. Watched it snow, and wished for warm weather.

1 March 2005 (since I'm posting this on 28 Feb.)
Tomorrow, I:
1. Work from 9-5:30. OK, maybe 9:15-5:45. Or 9:30-6. Whatever, DOA (depending on arrival).
2. Need to do all the work stuff I haven't even addressed this week:
a) 6 review journals
b) cat. the law collection
c) music CDs
d) withdrawals
e) vendor issues
Huh, that might be it. Seems too light. But I guess that's just if nothing "comes up".
3. Will undoubtedly eat my usual lunch. Banana, PB&J, tea.
4. Need to call my insurance guy, my cell phone guy, my friend's friend about having my "court suit" and 2 pairs of trousers tailored, and my [goddamnit] sister. Would like to wash the car, but given that there's 5" of snow on it right now, there's no point.

So. There you have it.

Any questions?

No comments:

Post a Comment