I think of myself as an adaptable, intuitive person who is relatively unshakable. This last week, though, has been a severe test of that theory. Work was a combination of increased productivity, surprising sweetness, juvenile disdain and petulance, flashes of genuine humor, mass confusion, and, overall, the pervading sense that Something is Wrong and it's all [my] fault. But the funny thing is that the only people taking the blame are those probably not in the wrong. I don't know what's coming, but there is an air about the place that it's all coming to a head. I just hope that it doesn't get real ugly before this phase ends.
Also testing that theory, on a different side of things, is an almost crushing sense of disappointment with a couple of people who have let me down...again. What is it with me and expectations; will I never learn?!
Coupled directly with that, though, is the surprise that came up in relation to both of those disappointments, at the hand of my former, er, flame (?), Ulysses. Although we're no longer anything like we used to be to each other, we've remained in (very rare) contact, probably as much out of habit as intention. However, this time around we told each other a little more truth than usual, in a little more detail than before, and the result was both revealing and practically helpful. Yes, he still owes me a great deal of money, but sometimes that's not the most important thing.
Finally--and yes, most important of all--I've been surprised and pleased and even stunned into silence by funny, inquisitive, tender, shrewd, clever texts, messages, and phone calls from and with someone I like very much. This sort of persistent attention is distracting, radiant, intense, and scary as Hell. For now, I'm choosing not to think about it unless I need to. Too much analysis can leach out the joy.
[the title quotation comes from Chris-in-the-Morning, channeled through Northern Exposure, season 2, episode 3, and translates as "Only when we understand all is vanity, only then, it isn't."]