I heard an airplane passing overhead. I wished I was on it

from 87 Self-Reflection Questions for Introspection 

 

• I feel stress when . . .  I think too much about math

• I am courageous when . . .  I accomplish something handy that I'd never tried before, without needing to get my dad's or brother's help

• One of the most important things I've learned is . . .  take a breath before you throw shoes, start yelling, or let anyone see you cry

• Being myself is hard because . . .  I think I'm weirder than the average bear

• I can be myself when . . .  I feel secure

• I wish I were more . . .  practical

• I wish I could . . .  leave that place

• One of my favorite memories is . . .  taking part in a "fun run" during grade school. I don't remember the particulars, only that it was optional and that there were college kids there timing us and cheering us on. I was in maybe 4th grade? That was the last time I can remember running—actually full-on running, rather than awkwardly jogging or walking—being totally comfortable and free. It was not a race and there were no prizes, just a certificate for finishing. That thing hung by a magnet on our refrigerator for a long time.

• I wish I would regularly . . .  come upon financial windfalls in surprising ways

• I wish I had . . .  warm feet

• I wish I knew . . .  how not to care

• I wish I felt . . .  headache-free for more than a few hours at a time

• I wish I saw . . .  an answer

• I wish I thought . . .  less, and less often

• I missed a great opportunity when . . .  I didn't go outside with the animal-brained lawyer during the trial deliberation

• My toughest decisions involve . . .  money

• Life should be about . . .  more. More love, more hugs, more money, more travel, more fun, more life.  

• I want to make my life about . . .  less. Less stress, less acquisition, less pushing.

• Am I pushing myself to be something I’m actually not?  not as much as before, but yeah

• Am I being something I’m not just because others expect it of me?  of course - that's part of having an adult job, part of being an adult child, part of having interactions with others. There are very, very few people with whom one can take off the social masks and be unguarded. I'm lucky to have a couple.

• Why do I want to become more chill? Who in my life was or is like that?  getting wound up gets me nowhere except, often, rolling backward. Lots of my favorite people are like that in different areas of their lives. The cop is, physically. He can very obviously handle anything that comes at him (or me). Emerald is, in terms of job security. He's the only person I know who's said Fuck it to a career multiple times and ended up with something infinitely better every single time. D is, financially and in a hundred other ways. He's probably the most overall smooth person I know.

• Who would be proud if I were more chill?  oh, God....  Chris would.  D would.  Both want the best for me, for me not to be unhappy, and to be peaceful, and not making myself (or anyone else) fucking nuts. 

[from here; the title quotation is by Charles Bukowski, from Ham on Rye]