it belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space

11. Can you love someone without connection? 

    no, that doesn't make sense to me. From a distance there's admiration or infatuation, attraction or intrigue. Love, though, is like a substance or structure that develops between two people, and the 'betweenness' is a necessary part of how it works. 

    Sometimes I manage to find just the right illustration for a point I'm trying to make, such as that at right (two figures carrying a large piece of glass). Love is like that glass: heavy, a little hard to hang onto, and easily broken—but also mesmerizing and beautiful if you choose to look at it that way. 

 

1. Why do people send mixed signals in love? 

    fear of being vulnerable enough to express what they want or need, or what they can't be counted on to do. Focused on their own desires, to the detriment of their partner or the relationship. I suppose those are the most positive, understanding reasons. There's also deviousness, greed, manipulation, and a psychopathic glee at another's misfortune, amplified by the higher stakes in romantic relationships.

 

16. What’s something you feel incredibly grateful for in your current or most recent relationship? 

    I'm not sure whether this answers the question or just serves as a sideways riff, but... I am grateful for the time spent in bookstores, which may be the best example of our ability to coexist in complete accord. My tolerance for bookstore browsing can be extensive and exhaustive, and other people with whom I've tried have tapped out long before I was ready. I am grateful for having been treated with patience in a situation that made it feel like a luxury.

 

21. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to ask about love, about relationships, or about anything that’s on your heart?

     the first thing that popped into my head was, Why doesn't anybody stay together anymore? Naturally, it was in Phil Collins' voice.

    I suppose that's the real question: how does it work? What do people do in order to have lasting success in romantic, intimate relationships? 

 

5. If you could have any fictional character as your best friend/lover, who would it be and why? 

    Ford, the mysterious hero of Alisa Kwitney's novel Does She or Doesn't She? (2003). He's a reasonably skilled plumber (delicious irony) and also quite good at his other job. He's a man of few words (always a plus), clearly capable of thinking about what someone's said to him, and determining the best way to respond, rather than flying off the handle. Calm and reliable, he's also able to make efficient decisions and act on them without a big fuss. He's also got a knack for both kids and pets, and he's exotic and sexy. Bring it on. 

 

10. Is there a physical expression of love that you’ve never experienced but would feel deeply cherished by?

     what a truly perplexing question this is! After thinking it over for a surprisingly long time, I've come to the conclusion that I am not inspired to "feel deeply cherished" as a result of physical activities. As much as I like a long hug or a kiss—or anything else further along that line—it isn't the physical part of it that makes me think "love", but the feelings and indescribable connection that bring those actions about and fuel them. 

    I've also decided that, despite the ridiculous degree of sharing I've done in this space for over 21 years, I no longer have the stomach for tell-all. If there were a substantive answer to this question, I would likely choose not to post it. Some things are best kept behind closed doors or in one's own journal.  

 

2. If you could write a song about your relationship (current or former), what would it be called? 

    I'm not a songwriter, but if I were... it might be titled "You should have noticed."  

 

[from here and adapted; the title quotation is by Margaret Atwood, from The Blind Assassin - and is about the word 'should']