everything about you is a mystery

1. Has anyone in your life talked in their sleep? Nope, unfortunately. That's a concept with great appeal for me.
2. What do you like about fall? Pretty much everything: an end to the overly-hot; crunchy leaves; sunsets with new colors and depth; the change in the way the air feels; the opportunity to wear different clothes (I think my autumn clothes are the best of all)....
3. Do you have an addictive personality? Yup. Sometimes I fight it, though, and sometimes I give in.
4. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you? "Extra special"? Hmmm. Probably Heidi, and her handmade Valentine.
5. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? Depends on the nature of the relationship and the nature of the cheating. Most likely not.
6. Are you happy with where you are in life? Literally: not really. Figuratively: not so bad.
7. Do you believe that you can change someone? Only an infant, and even then, I refer to clothing and not to inherent nature.
8. Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't? "Had"? Hahahahahahaha--of course!
9. Would you ever fight someone over your significant other? If the Other is Significant, and I am to him, then, yes: I would.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

count on both hands

    The mumbler--one of my very favorite people, so named because he blurts everything he says as quickly, unobtrusively, and softly as possible--seems to have a doppelgänger...or perhaps a lookalike cousin. We cannot be certain. Hard to imagine more than one of him loose in the world. I wonder if this version is depressed and text-hungry, too?

    I slept very late this morning. Spent most of the day reading, drinking tea, and thinking about perhaps accomplishing something worthwhile. Eventually moved off the couch and spent a few hours cleaning the apt., but nothing too spectacular. It was a low-key day. Had dinner with Shoe at the bar (excellent people-watching), followed by a tiny bit of shopping (lame) and then the usual: hanging out at the apartment, swapping tales. I got to tell the "accusations of adultery" story. I still wish it hadn't happened, but the story itself always gets a great response.

    Not going to get the dress. I realized that, as adorable as it is, it is also too event-specific for me. Unless I have a unique place/time to wear it, it will be wasted. Better to use the money toward the camera fund. Sometimes it sucks to be responsible.

    One set of neighbors seems to be moving out of the apartment building: the domestics. They're the couple who regularly fight while one is inside their second-floor apartment and the other is in the parking lot below. They yell through the windows, sharing their (no longer) personal problems with the rest of the building, and probably half the neighborhood. It's charming. Since he's never found a door he couldn't slam and she's not the best driver ever, it won't be a sad moment to see them leave.

    "Actors who have tried to play Churchill and MacArthur have failed abysmally because each of those men was a great actor playing himself." [William Manchester] Theoretically, then, it is folly to trust an actor.

Happy birthday, Johnnie

happy anniversary, baby

• Thursday is now "come home from work and collapse" day. Today's progress was delayed slightly by the massive (relative to the area) car accident on the street in front of the apartment, causing traffic to be diverted in a southward loop. I managed to get a pass from the cop, snuck into the parking lot, scampered upstairs, achieved standard sleeping apparel, and promptly conked out...for 2.5 hours. Most people might avoid that sort of "nap" in the evening, but I have no problem with it. In fact, I'm yawning and leaning in the direction of my perfect, perfect bed already.
• Heard of cdbaby? Good source for the obscure, and they have an excellent touch with customer service. I bought This Moment is a Flash by Dala, and I love it.
• I bought razors. They were pink--naturally, because every personal care product intended for use by women has to be pink in some way.
  *eye roll*What I did not notice until I was home: they are also berry-scented. That's right, Berry Scented Razors. What the fuck?! What godforsaken moron thought that was a good idea, a good use of technology, a necessary "enhancement", and a selling point? If I'd noticed at the store, there's NO WAY I would have purchased that brand. Berry-scented razors...{{{shudder}}}
  
• Had a wonderfully esoteric conversation with The Cat today about "1 v. (unpaged)" v. "unp." and 041/546. There are times when I really, really enjoy being In-Group, and that was one of them.
• New toenail polish color: Chick Flick Cherry
• Happy belated birthday, Molly!
• The J.Peterman Square Neck Dress is on sale. [link died] I gave in (ha!) and got the vest a month or so ago; think I'll be able to withstand the dress?

light when full, heavy when vacuous

I am in love, hence free to live
by heart, to ad-lib as I caress.
A soul is light when full,
heavy when vacuous.
My soul is light. She is not afraid
to dance the agony alone,
for I was born wearing your shirt,
will come from the dead with that shirt on.
[Vera Pavlova, '42' in If There is Something to Desire]

victory!

After searching nonstop for half my life (well, "nonstop" might be something of an exaggeration) I've finally found an answer to a problem that's plagued me. This:

I know that love's irrational and blind;
I know the heart's not subject to the mind,
And can't be reasoned into beating faster;
I know each soul is free to choose its master;
Therefore had you but spoken from the heart,
Rejecting my intentions from the start,
I'd have no grievance, or at any rate
I could complain of nothing but my fate.
Ah, but so falsely to encourage me -
That was a treason and a treachery
For which you cannot suffer too severely,
And you shall pay for that behavior dearly.
Yes, now I have no pity, not a shred....
is not a poem, but rather a monologue, spoken by Alceste in Moliere's The Misanthrope and Tartuffe.

The passage in its entirety:

Madam, it’s not the moment to be witty.
No, blush and hang your head; you’ve ample reason,
Since I’ve the fullest evidence of your treason.
Ah, this is what my sad heart prophesied;
Now all my anxious fears are verified;
My dark suspicion and my gloomy doubt
Divined the truth, and now the truth is out.
For all your trickery, I was not deceived;
It was my bitter stars that I believed.
But don’t imagine that you’ll go scot-free;
You shan’t misuse me with impunity.
I know that love's irrational and blind;
I know the heart's not subject to the mind,
And can't be reasoned into beating faster;
I know each soul is free to choose its master;
Therefore had you but spoken from the heart,
Rejecting my intentions from the start,
I'd have no grievance, or at any rate
I could complain of nothing but my fate.
Ah, but so falsely to encourage me -
That was a treason and a treachery
For which you cannot suffer too severely,
And you shall pay for that behavior dearly.
Yes, now I have no pity, not a shred;
My temper’s out of hand; I’ve lost my head;
Shocked by the knowledge of your double-dealings,
My reason can’t restrain my savage feelings;
A righteous wrath deprives me of my senses,
And I won’t answer for the consequences.
Now I'm curious: what the hell was I doing reading The Misanthrope as a sophomore in high school?!

so cold the night

    It's snowing. Started around 6:PM, maybe. Judging by the way my car looks--my poor car, which was freshly washed yesterday afternoon--we've got maybe an inch and a half so far. That means there's as much as 10.5" to go, if we get the entire 8-12" that are forecast. I know that I live here on purpose, and I know that the snow is a part of what makes here, here. But holy fuck, I am sick of godddamned snow. Enough. Already.

    In the past two days, I've been to the drugstore twice. It would've been three times, but I got lucky and reverted to my naturally suspicious tendency. They filled the wrong prescription--two incorrect prescriptions, actually--twice before getting it right. I got my least-favorite excuse: "The computer did it." Such powerful computers, to obviate accountability.

    Pearl Jam's new CD, Backspacer, is good.

    In answer to emailed questions: the current toenail polish color is "Glacier Bay Blues" (very dark blue with a sort of oil-slick sheen that looks hazy green/gold/purple depending on the light). The color changes every few days, no less often than once a week when I'm in the right mood. Yes, I still wear the toe ring, even in the winter. Why? Good question, that.     

    My parents are in rare form lately. 'Needy' and 'weird' don't really come all that close to summing it up. We've had several conversations over the past couple of weeks that, honestly, have given me no insight into why they're behaving so strangely. I do know that it's annoying and that I should talk with them about it. Funny how often should really means won't, in relation to my parents.

    The writing problem fixed itself. Not sure whether it was actually the problem or a concomitant, but all seems to have been resolved when I completed the third of three new mix CDs. The first is maybe the best I've ever made—and the person for (about) whom I made it will never hear it. It is also the saddest group of songs I've ever heard, together. The second was pointless and ego-driven but still a good mix, made me laugh... and is probably the one I will (i.e. can) never listen to again. The last is a long time coming, and somehow fun, sweet and sexy at once, and could get me and the person for whom I made it in a world of hurt. That would be stupid, since it isn't what it seems. Anyway: good music, and now that it's mixed, burned, and out of my mental pending file, the verbal thing seems to be happening again.

    That's the good news. Besides that: it's still snowing (not that I'd thought it would stop), and the migraine persists (I did have some hope in that regard).

sitrep 2.19.10

    Migraine, day 3. Or 4. I don't even know. This beast has been pounding through my brain for so long, it seems like it's always been there. I feel like I'm looking through a dark green haze. No, I don't know what that means. I do know that if I was sleeping a lot more and working a lot less, this would not be the monstrous headache that it is. Barring a miracle, that should be possible sometime around June.

    Had my hair cut on Tuesday. It was the first time I'd seen Lori since December, when she took ~6 weeks off to have her baby. In an odd coincidence, each time I get a haircut I also get a massage from Rachel, whose baby was also born at the end of December. Although Sara, who cut my hair in January, is a lovely person and very skilled at her job, it was good to be back in the hands of those two. Good to be back, but something's very clearly different, too, for these two first-time parents (both of whom are around my age). I found the experience, listening to their stories--told tentatively, sensitively--sweet and unsettling at once.

    So. "New hair." Newly polished toenails. Not sure why that's still happening so regularly. The toenail polish thing is a direct concomitant of being attracted to someone; it's a weird unconscious preening thing. Particularly weird given the time of year, I suppose, since my toes aren't on display. Still, I've been polishing (and updating the color) regularly for a couple of months now, for the first time in...a couple of years, I guess. Gah. That's unsettling, too. I think I'd sacrifice a toe to stop feeling this way.

    It's late, and I'm tired. Staying up writing about being tired, rather than sleeping, seems especially perverse.

a person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first

I have got to stop telling too much truth. Staying quiet, whatever the cost, seems the better/easier/more tolerable option.

 [the title quotation is from Chanakya]

why is greener better, anyway?

• What is on your bed right now? Cream cotton sheets, 4 pillows, medium-weight down comforter, cream sweater-blanket, and the jeans I was wearing this afternoon
• When was the last time you threw up? No clue--it's been years
• What's your favorite word or phrase? "OMGWTFBBQ"
• Name 3 people who made you smile today? Fluffy, Farmer E, Whyle
• What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? [As opposed to 8 a.m. this evening?] I was probably still in the shower, ~35 min. from work arrival
• What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating dinner (it's been a very, very, very long day)
• What is your favorite holiday? Whichever one's the furthest away.
• Have you ever been to another country? Not yet. Will this be the year?
• What is the last thing you said aloud? It really ought not to be repeated
• What is the best ice cream flavor? Peach melba
• What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
• What are you wearing right now? St. Mary's t-shirt, flannel PJ pants, and the usuals
• What was the last thing you ate? Chicken soup
• Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Ha! Yeah, um...no
• When was the last time you ran? ~1993
• What's the last sporting event you watched? 30 seconds of speed-skating the other night. Before that, playoff football.
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Back to the Congress Plaza Hotel
• Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on Facebook? Landlord Andy
• Ever go camping? Not since I was pretty small
• Do you have a tan? I don't tan; I freckle
• Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? Not that I wanted to keep
• What is your guilty pleasure? Vice
• Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? Only facetiously
• Do you drink your soda from a straw? Rarely
• What did your last text message say? "Haha awesome!"
• Are you someone's best friend? Yup
• What are you doing tomorrow? Worrrrrrrking--and then changing my toenail polish
• Where is your mom right now? 258 miles away, where she belongs
• Look to your left, what do you see? Back of the couch, entry hallway, door
• What color is your watch? I have several, though I never wear them
• What do you think of when you think of Australia? It's a 3-way tie: Nick Earls, Powderfinger, and my former physical therapist
• Ever ridden on a roller coaster? No
• What is your birthstone? Peridot, about which I've recently changed my perspective
• Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Um, no. When I eat it, I have it delivered.
• Do you have any friends on Facebook that you actually hate? I have a few annoying acquaintances. My real friends are not hate-able.
• Do you have a dog? Not since I was a kid
  
• Last person you talked to on the phone? At work: Fluffy. For real: Chuck.
• Any plans today? Journal.
• Are you happy? “Eventually I stopped asking myself if I was happy. It had become unnecessary, but also futile to ask. After all, you can’t be happy all the time, gasping and salivating in one trembling spasm of happiness from the time you get up until you finally fall asleep with an idiotic smile on your wet lips.” [Jens Christian Grøndahl, in Silence in October]
• Where are you right now? East side of the couch (facing west)
• Biggest annoyance in your life right now? That's easy: it's a three-way tie between men, work, and parents
• Last song listened to? "Ziploc" by Lit
  
• Last movie you saw? I've watched nothing but ReGenesis for weeks
• Are you allergic to anything? Only ricotta cheese...and all narcotics
• Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? I have lots of shoes, though winter limits the options
• Are you jealous of anyone? just the keeper
• Are you married? {bark of laughter}
• Is anyone jealous of you? Oh, sure. Boatloads of people. Can't you hear their chants and moans of envy?
• Do any of your friends have children? Yes
• Do you eat healthy? Occasionally
• What do you usually do during the day? Um, work--now and then
• Do you hate anyone right now? nah
• Do you use the word 'hello' daily? No
• How many kids do you want when you're older? [see "married", above]
• How did you get one of your scars? There's a shiny spot on the tip of my left thumb (corresponding to an oddly flat slope) where I whonked it off while slicing onions at the restaurant. Learning curve, eh?

[from The Cat, who got it here]

people wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation

Bertrand Russell said the quoted bit. It starts with this: "A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations."

clouds in my coffee

    I think I've lost the ability to write prose. When I try, nothing comes. Worse than that, though, I rarely sit down to try, because of the feeling of nothing coming. Someone I used to care about very much (who incidentally taught me more about writing than anyone else in my life, and with whom I would also be in love, later) once told me, "It won't always feel like this. You'll get over it."

    Staring at him like a lunatic, I said, "Of course I don't believe that." He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow, as if to ask what I meant. "If I believed that it would get better, then I would be over it already, and I would not feel this way now."

    He and I were talking about a different subject, though. Whether I did get over that one is a different question (and remains a subject of contention). Will I get over this? I don't know. It's not for lack of subjects. I entertain people at work every day, just by recounting the email and Facebook communications that have come in since last I spoke with them. (Recent favorites: The Dirty Mormon Strikes Again; The Mystery Package; and The Guy Who Told Me He Loved Me 10 Minutes After Meeting Me "Winks" on OkC...after months of blissful silence.) I could write about the earthquake, which seems to be an object of amusement for some and a harbinger of doom for others (it's probably someplace in between, really). Or my recent brush with fame (an author read a review that I'd just posted to the work blog, and commented, from "the other side of the Pacific." The comment was the nicest thing I've read in a very long time, and it absolutely made my week--and thank God it was a good review!). Or my struggles with the blog and commenting (seriously, JS-Kit is the worst company EVER, and the powers that were at Haloscan ought to be very, very ashamed of themselves for cashing out. They'd had a good product, and they gave it up to something unworkable and the absolute height of user-unfriendly. The only thing that JS-Kit did right was to process a quick refund.) Or work...nah.

    But, really? All I want to do is sleep (still getting over the tonsillitis/sinus infection/cold from Hell that I picked up 2+ weeks ago), drink tea (you could float a destroyer in the tea I've drunk in the past month), and read. Currently cracked: Ten Bad Dates with De Niro: A Book of Alternative Movie Lists (Richard T. Kelly), Breakwater: Poems (Catharine Savage Brosman), Autobiography of a Wardrobe (Elizabeth Kendall), Mozart's Third Brain (Göran Sonnevi), and Election (Tom Perrotta). In fact, if anybody needs me I'll be on the couch--with blackberry sage tea and the Kelly book.

you smiled and talked to me of nothing and I felt that for this I had been waiting long

Comments are back, albeit in different form. Hope you're still here to use 'em!

(The quote is Rabindranath Tagore, from ‘Stray Birds,’ in Collected Poems and Plays of Rabindranath Tagore, 'XLII'.)

who has the Yes ready in him

You don't like song lyrics, eh? Here's a poem, then:

For some people there's a day
when they have to come out with the great Yes,
or the great No. It's clear at once
who has the Yes ready in him; and saying it,

he goes on to find honor, strong in his conviction.
He who refuses never repents. Asked again,
he'd still say no. Yet that no--the right answer--
defeats him the whole of his life.

['Che Fece...Il Gran Rifiuto' by Constantine P. Cavafy; trans. by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard, in C. P. Cavafy: Collected Poems]

you run your own course at your own pace but I just got impatient

Chuva! Chuvinha! Vem, vem cá, rapaz!
Chuva! Chuvinha! Vem, vem cá, rapaz!
This is not political it's just that I, I demand attention when I walk into the room
And it's not that I can't play ball hard it's just that I don't want to
And the more I think about this pressure, love, I don't want you
And I can't have you and that's what hurts the most
I cannot show you these things I boast
I'll throw my heart out, keep my head up, I cannot fuck up 'cause

I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only cause you pain, yeah
I promise that
I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only bring on the rain

So I'll prefer to run this road rough around the edges
Good for something but too good to give it to you
You run your own course at your own pace but I just got impatient
See, I wanted to explore
Forsake you, forsook you, abate you, dissipate you
So turn fate around, I believed that I was free of you--not!
I still believe in those days on benches at sunset or the waves in July
or was it March we weathered weathers and storms
real and imagined, such fragile tenderness
You are truly blessed, I stress this as I blow you this kiss, as I blow it in the wind--mmwah...

I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only cause you pain, yeah
I promise that
I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only bring on the rain
Chuva! Chuvinha! Vem, vem cá, rapaz!
Gonna make u cry so damn hard
you're gonna curse your drawers and wish you weren't a boy
Gonna make u cry so damn hard
you'll curse your drawers and wish you weren't a boy, yeah
I will make u cry
I will make u cry--Boo hoo

They say time is made of memories
Well, I remembered, and I'm tired
This is not political it's just that I remember the fire
Babe you left me with my head held high and I feigned to be more than I was, didn't I?
I thought I could do without sugar love
but this chocolate has turned into sweet bubble gum
Candy is sweet but honey is sweeter
It tastes like the real thing but candy is much much cheaper...cheaper

I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only cause you pain, yeah
I promise that
I got what you need boy--baby, I do--but I will only bring on the rain
rain a-fallin' down, rain a-fallin' down, ha ha ha ha...
time, crying...
you'll be crying...
I'm sorry I made you cry...
wipe those tears away...
don't cry baby...
it's only rain....

[Nelly Furtado, "I Will Make U Cry" from Whoa, Nelly!]

you should be here but I’m alone

I stand in awe, as the sun goes down
And I see my days turn to gold
And the moon and I, we are all alone
And she haunts the sky like a ghost
And I stand in awe of the love I’ve lost
Will you be the one that got away?
I build my house where you’ll never go
And I stand in awe of all that could have been
Well the trees know first when the summer’s gone
But they’re not afraid to let her go
And I can’t hide on this empty beach

You should be here but I’m alone
And I stand in awe of the love I’ve lost
Will you be the one that got away?
I build my house where you’ll never go
And I stand in awe of all that could have been

["Stand in Awe" by Dala Girls, from Everyone is Someone]

like oil & water

You Are a Lava Lamp

You are dreamy, relaxed, and contemplative. You like to get lost inside your own head.     You never know where your thoughts will take you, and you consider reflection to be a wild ride.     You're happy to sit and be alone for long periods of time. You only do well with others who are like minded.     You appreciate other peaceful, creative types. Great things can come when great minds get together.

Are You a Lava Lamp or a Disco Ball?

advice to an old writer

"Originality does not consist of saying what no one has ever said before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself."

[James Stephans]