half the unhappiness in life comes from people being afraid to go straight at things

Some days, happiness comes easily. Other days, it's a choice.

[title quotation by William John Locke, in Simon the Jester]

how can you not forgive?

There’s just no accounting for happiness,
or the way it turns up like a prodigal
who comes back to the dust at your feet
having squandered a fortune far away.

And how can you not forgive?
You make a feast in honor of what
was lost, and take from its place the finest
garment, which you saved for an occasion
you could not imagine, and you weep night and day
to know that you were not abandoned,
that happiness saved its most extreme form
for you alone.

No, happiness is the uncle you never
knew about, who flies a single-engine plane
onto the grassy landing strip, hitchhikes
into town, and inquires at every door
until he finds you asleep midafternoon
as you so often are during the unmerciful
hours of your despair.

It comes to the monk in his cell.
It comes to the woman sweeping the street
with a birch broom, to the child
whose mother has passed out from drink.
It comes to the lover, to the dog chewing
a sock, to the pusher, to the basketmaker,
and to the clerk stacking cans of carrots
in the night.
It even comes to the boulder
in the perpetual shade of pine barrens,
to rain falling on the open sea,
to the wineglass, weary of holding wine.
[Jane Kenyon, 'Happiness']

methinks wit is more necessary than beauty; and I think no young woman ugly that has it...

1. Tell us about your very favorite (yes we know that's redundant) Thanksgiving.
   Each one is unforgettable, of course, and I could make an argument for any one of them. But this one is shaping up to be the fave, I think, because it was just so comfortable. The right mix of people, all the best food (although never enough gravy. Seriously, we should do half the potatoes and twice the gravy!), and the right kind of weird tension so that there's no forgetting that it's a family event. It doesn't hurt - much - that I'm half in love with one of the attendees and that this is the one day that I see him every year. So. Yeah. Anyway: this year was really, really good.
2. What are you doing for Turkey Day this year?
   As I have for the past few years, I was lucky enough to be included in The Cat/Beast/Sparky's family Thanksgiving celebration. I drove up on Wednesday evening for the pre-party and came back late last night.
3. If you were to go to somebody else’s house, what would be your favorite dish to bring?
   I usually get one of the "kid" dishes (e.g. vegetables) but this year I insisted that I be allowed, and was permitted, to make one of the Main Events: dessert. Knowing The Cat's profound fondness for wedding cake, I dusted off a recipe for a phenomenally good frosting. Made a standard white layer cake to match. It turned out very nicely, and apart from incessant teasing (all of which was good-natured and fun) about the extreme paleness of the dessert, it was a success.
4. Tell us about the funniest person that you'll be with this Thanksgiving.
   
   • The Grand-Beast is the most joke-y of the bunch, and tells some really great stories.
   • Beast loves puns - and loves to see my face when he zings a good one.
   • The Cat knows me SO well, she can make me laugh helplessly at will. (She's also just a generally witty person.)
   • Sparky, their offspring, is turning out to be one of my favorite people, in part because he has both a clever mind and a knack for stating the obvious.
   • Nephew James is silly-funny, very eager to get a reaction to the deliberate jokes that he makes, which are legitimately funny.
   • Nephew Don is sneaky-funny, sly and surprising and seemingly almost embarrassed by his inability to refrain from participating in the humor.
   • And I...try.
5. What would surprise us to know about your Thanksgivings?
   That's hard to say. This year's conversation was quite ribald at times - is that a surprise? - and I had almost nothing to do with instigating it.
6. Does your usual mix of guests result in drama, or is it a group you’re happy to see?
   Yes, and yes. It's not "drama" in the newly typical definition (buh-bye, Katherine) but there is a vibe. Maybe some year it'll sort itself out. It's not bad, though - at least, I don't think it is.
7. What did your family do for Thanksgiving when you were a kid? Do you still do it?
   Thanksgiving used to be the big holiday in my family of origin. My mom's side of the family (all her sisters and her brother and their kids and their families, as appropriate) gathered at my grandparents' house for a day of food and hanging out. The house wasn't quite big enough for all of us, but it didn't matter. Those were some of the best times of my childhood.
   Nah, that's not how it is anymore. My grandparents died when I was a young adult, the extended family splintered apart, Thanksgiving was celebrated by each family unit instead of all together, and then there was a situation with my parents resulting in my decision to refrain from joining them. Really, it's better this way.
8. We know you've been asked this probably 15 times this week. But share with us in 2010, what are you most thankful for?
   The best of all possible friends. Chances, whether realized or not. Health. Good books. Unlimited texting. Warm socks. Music. Pie.
9. Okay, the big question: are you going to 'attend' any of the "Black Friday" sales? ...and if you are, are you hard core serious like the 5 am "be there" crowd?
   Not even if you forced me. My Friday was spent curled in a ball (or various derivations thereof) on the Cat-end of the couch, reading Joe College and drinking lemon tea, hanging out with Beast and/or Sparky, snerfling with the dregs of a cold and a stubborn headache, and thinking just a wee bit too much. No shopping at all.

[from The Cat, naturally, who got it here; title quotation by William Wycherley and ends thus: "...and no handsome woman agreeable without it."]

am I right side up or upside down, is this real or am I dreaming?

• What was the last thing you put in your mouth? lemon tea
• How late did you stay up last night and why? 12:30ish. Why? I wasn't sleepy yet when The Cat hit the hay, so The Beast and I watched some TV and chatted for a while before I zonked on the couch briefly, and then I went upstairs.
• If you could move somewhere else, would you? yes
• Have you ever been kissed under fireworks? I don't think so?
• Do you believe exes can be friends? yes. Trying to behave that way, anyhow, every day.
• When was the last time you cried really hard? not last night.
• What items could you not go without during the day? caffeine, allergy medicine, and something to write with/on
• Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember, so it's been a while. Probably Fluffy?
• How do you feel about your life right now? more of it is sorted than usual. The parts that are not are a little more scrambled than I'd like.
• If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? LOTS of read mail, including a surprising amount from people with whom I am no longer [FB] friends.
• Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? depends on the drug for which I was being tested, I suppose.
• Has anyone ever called you perfect before? yup. More fool them.
• Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m.: who do you want it to be? Josh, of course
• Do you think too much or too little? uh, too much
• Do you believe in fairy tales? I believe that 398.2 exists
• Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? *gross*
• What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? depends on your definition of "dated". The literal answer to this question is available under separate cover upon request.
• Have you ever been on a blind date? only in the metaphorical sense
• Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? yes, several
• Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? infamously
• What song do you want played at your funeral? won't matter much to me, so be as creative as you wish
• Would you tell your parents if you were gay? not in any greater detail than they've heard the alternative
• What would your last meal be before getting executed? I'd abstain
• Do you walk around the house naked? not this one!
• What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? the one where I live? Put my keys in the bowl.
• Who is the person you can count on the most? depends. There are a number of people upon whom I count in a good way (e.g. The Cat, Fluffy, E.), and several others who behave consistently in other ways (e.g. some coworkers and neighbors).
• What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving, for all that it can wring out my soul
• Would you ever get plastic surgery? sure
• Have you ever caught a fish? yes
• What is the first thing you notice about people? whether they'll make eye contact with me
• What is the farthest you’ve been from home? literally? Miami or Santa Fe, probably
• How did you meet your spouse or significant other (or most recent one)? without even stopping to think about who this might be, I'll just assume it was either "delivery" or "online"
• Where was the last place you drove (other than home/school/work)? to The Cat/Beast's, for my annual Thanksgiving peace-out

[from The Cat, of course, who got it here; title quote from "Crush" by Dave Matthews Band]

everything you want is not everything you need

We sat across the table.
he said, cut off your hands.
they are always poking at things.
they might touch me.
I said yes.

Food grew cold on the table.
he said, burn your body.
it is not clean and smells like sex.
it rubs my mind sore.
I said yes.

I love you, I said.
That's very nice, he said
I like to be loved,
that makes me happy.
Have you cut your hands off yet?

[Marge Piercy, 'The Friend' from Circles on the Water]


thanks, Molly

oh yes! The best lays are from New York!

A – Age: 14600-some days
B – Bed size: Queen
C – Chore you hate: dusting
D – Dog’s name: [redacted]
E – Essential start your day item: caffeine
F – Favorite color: steel blue-gray
G – Gold or Silver: silver
H – Height: 4165.6 mm (give or take)
I – Instruments you play: clarinet (rusty at best); a little piano
J – Job title: ...never does appear in the blog, does it?
K – Kid(s): 3 godsons, 1 great-nephew and a great-niece to be
L – Living arrangements: 2-BR apt. on the busiest street in town
M – Mom’s name: same as a comedienne who tugged her ear
N – Nicknames: right now, the only one that means very much to me is the one I'll not likely be called again--xiii
O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: none
P – Pet Peeve(s): work
Q – Quote from a movie: "You go down to the bottom of the sea, where the water isn't even blue anymore, where the sky is only a memory, and you float there, in the silence. And you stay there, and you decide, that you'll die for them. Only then do they start coming out. They come, and they greet you, and they judge the love you have for them. If it's sincere, if it's pure, they'll be with you, and take you away forever." [from Le Grand Blue: The Big Blue]
R – Right or Left handed: right
S – Siblings: by blood, one of each. By luck and grace, four real sisters.
T – Time you wake up: alarms are set for 7:21, 7:39 and 8:05
U – Underwear: yep

V – Vegetable you dislike: there shall be no iceberg!
W – Ways you run late: since Wednesday, I'm taking a hard look at this. Have been reminded that it's among the more...manipulative things that I can do, so if I don't want to be like that, I can try just a little bit harder to live up to my word.
X – X-rays you’ve had: skull (and multiple CAT scans and one MRI), mouth, back, arms/elbows/wrists/hands/fingers, hip, knees, ankles, feet, toes
Y – Yummy food you make: Puerto Rican chicken fricassee; lasagna; chicken tortilla soup; Mexican chocolate wedding cakes (cookies); various other desserts
Z – Zodiac Sign: Virgo, and it just so defines me...

[from the Cat, naturally, who got it here; title quotation also from The Big Blue]

a man without tattoos is invisible to the Gods

1. Lots of pillows or just one? Describe your pre-sleeping rituals.
   I have four pillows on my bed, two each of two types. Never know what sort of mood I'll be in, how I'll feel, how much I'll want to be propped up or surrounded. Two are standard-sized and two are king-sized, so I need to buy an extra set of king cases with each set of sheets that I get, but that's a small price to pay for pillow luxury.
   My pre-sleeping rituals aren't too complicated, I don't think? Alarms set (as needed). Contacts out, teeth brushed. Drugs taken (a prescription for migraine prevention that has varied over time but for the past several years has settled on a secondary indication for an anti-seizure medication, which I suppose is a good thing to have covered as well--and also a 12-hour dose of allergy medicine for my year-round allergies). Lips slathered with lip goo. Hands, feet & tattoos slathered with lotion. G'night!
2. What kind of books do you read?
   The paper kind.
   I like literary fiction, and history--though surprisingly little about the second World War captures my interest, and memoirs (usually of pretty damned defective people, but not the sort of prepackaged crap memoirs that are written after someone did something worth writing a memoir over, like that Julie & Julia thing, {cringe}). I read a lot of poetry, sometimes just for work and sometimes completely for myself. (There is a distinct difference in the types there.) It's funny, but the remainder of what I read could probably best be described as "302-349". At least 3 people who read this regularly should know exactly what that means, if not why I'd read it!
3. What are your neighbors like?
   The apartment across the hall is vacant. The woman with whom I share a wall is a 50-something Tejana with a taste for unbelievably terrible music at ear-bleeding levels, Spanish soap operas, long late baths (yeah, I can hear WAY too much through that wall), and slamming her doors. The rest of the building's inhabitants are a varying mishmash of the usual suspects: a couple of blonds who drink a lot (and run into doors and walls when they do), their frat-boys-with-buzz-cuts boyfriends, the woman who's several years younger than me with the late teenaged son (that's gotta hurt), and the older lady who's been here since the apartments were built, long-suffering and slightly nuts.
4. What's really creepy to you?
   Black socks with sweatpants.
5. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
   A couple of weeks ago I saw the movie The Big Bad Swim. It was really, really good, and I've been proselytizing it ever since. Outstanding performances by several of the cast--and one character who reminded me of me.
6. Do you prefer your junk food sweet, salty or savory?
   salty
7. What was the last thing you expensive bought?
   Best question ever! Girl shoes.
8. What is your greatest fear?
   Being the last to know.
9. Do you get cravings? If so, what do you crave?
   Only kisses.
10. What do you do to change your mood?
    I don't. I try to accept it.
11. What was the last meal you ate that you loved?
    Last Saturday night at PJs I had some transcendent fuckin' quesadillas. It may have been the company. After dinner we tried for a ridiculously long time to flip a coaster off the top of our (glass) glasses onto the top of another glass. You'd swear we were 19 years old. It was awesome.
12. Do you want to learn another language? If so, why?
    meh. Maybe if I could understand what men really mean....
13. What's something that you'd like to say to someone right now?
    Mumbler: "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten."
14. What are you looking forward to?
    
    • A massage and a long conversation.
    • A "bar crawl" and mental detox.
    • Trying to psych myself out of expectations.
    • New hair--I'm thinkin maybe something wild.
    • Thanksgiving at the Cat-Beast's!
    • My yearly dose of the enigmatic nephew.
    • December (a.k.a. no more November).

[from The Cat, of course, who got it here; title quotation is an Iban proverb]

a gentleman is simply a patient wolf

Today is the day when I can finally say without reservation that I do not now, nor will I ever, understand men. At all.

• The delivery guy (a.k.a. "Ulysses", a.k.a. "the one who doesn't like to kiss me") is not, after all, married. Yeah, I know: confusing. Apparently he won't get married again, since it didn't work the first time. Well, that might have something to do with the extracurricular activities that he's pursuing!
• My super-über-terribly-depressed coworker, who broke up with his girlfriend of about a month and a half on Monday night, seems to have recovered nicely. He texted earlier this evening requesting instructions on (my words) appropriate rebound behavior. Oh, to be young and emotionally pliant again.
• The guy to whom Ulysses introduced me about a month ago--let's call him Toby--continues to surprise and occasionally dismay. He's a good guy, extraordinarily easy to talk to, remarkably forthright and refreshingly honest. Really, helpfully, startlingly honest. Sometimes distressingly so. The strangest thing is that he's turning out to be more of a friend than anything else--and that this whole situation is causing no end of problems for Ulysses. Lesson: "The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away." [Wilson Mizner]
• One of my very good friends sees my way through this (whatever 'this' is at the moment) very clearly: he thinks I should start running. Literally. I'm shaking my head and laughing as I write this. I do kind of like the idea, but I want you to not wait by the phone for the news, 'k?
• Another friend is going through a rough time and recently found a connection, or something, with a quotation that I'd posted on the blog (or on Facebook, I'm not sure which). I did notice that it was one of the more heart-wrenching variety and not the head-scratching philosophical sort, and certainly not the snort-inducing silly type. I am glad that he gets something out of what I post; I hope that as time goes on, what seeks him out is less harrowing.

That may be it; I don't know. It's probably enough for now. I'm worn out. Think I'll spend some undiluted quality time with girls for a while.

[title quotation by Lana Turner]

things. and stuff.

• "Professional Driver. Closed course. Do not attempt." If you have to flash that disclaimer on advertising for your automobile, then I can't do that in your automobile, so why should I want to buy your motherfucking automobile?! It's asinine. And if you can't show me, using a non-professional driver, on an open course, something that I can attempt, that will make me want to buy your motherfucking car, then it is not worth buying.
Pedestrians who refuse to follow--or simply do not know--traffic laws need to stay out of the road. Picture this: a 4-way stop. It's early morning, the time at which a lot of people seem to be in cars driving from home to work or school. On one corner, a 20-something woman holding a leash attached to a Very Large Dog. She steps off the curb into the crosswalk. What does this mean for us?
That's right. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e stops. No cars move. Does she immediately take her turn--which she started, after all, by stepping off the curb and into that crosswalk, indicating her intention to cross that street? No. She does not. She stands there, seemingly attempting to make eye contact with every driver (there are, by this point, at least 6 drivers beaming laser-like death-rays into her cutesy stocking-capped head) before she makes another twitch.
Seriously. Lady: cross the street, or Get. Out. Of. The. Way.
Finally, after dithering (half a step forward, half a step back, and...repeat....) for an insanely long period of time, she crosses the damned road. By this time, I could not have been alone in thinking (a) it would have been a Hell of a lot easier for me to have just gone through the intersection before her; (b) how can anyone so young (and with such a very large dog) walk so unbelievably slowly?; (c) I will die before this interaction ever ends, holy crap, get out of the way; and (d) "stupid [bleep]".

• My 12-hour cold medicine lasts for about 4 hours. Does this mean that I should be saying Goodbye instead of snarking?
• What I want: someone to take my damned car and sell it for me. I don't care who, or how, or to whom. I don't care AT ALL. I just want the thing out of my sight, gone, never to be seen again, done, something I don't have to think about or worry about or deal with ever, ever again. Get it away.
• At the same time (not literally), I want someone to buy my new car. I don't give a shit about my credit rating and all the other reasons for me to buy the thing myself. I just want to be driving something that I know will have 4 wheels during and after each trip that I make, and that doesn't make me want to hurl things in anger just because it's taunting me with its ubiquity. I've been fucking around with this sell and buy thing for so far too long, and it was never something that I wanted to do (i.e. to take part in - I always wanted it to be settled).
• While we're at it, a new apt. for ~$200 less per month, utilities included, that is both quieter and darker, with at least off-street parking (garage preferred), and both W/D and a dishwasher (OMG, heaven!) would be lovely. And for everybody I know to be available on the same day to help me move, and for the financials to work out so that I don't have to swing a credit card loan to pay 1st, last & security while waiting for the returns from this place. And lots of sun during the day for my plants.
• If not all that, can I at least have a really, really good remainder of November? I think I've earned it.

for that little while

Of course it was a disaster.

That unbearable, dearest secret

has always been a disaster.

The danger when we try to leave.

Going over and over afterward

what we should have done

instead of what we did.

But for those short times

we seemed to be alive. Misled,

misused, lied to and cheated,

certainly. Still, for that

little while, we visited

our possible life.

[Jack Gilbert, 'Going There', from The Great Fires: Poems, 1982-1992]

[Because anniversaries of really good things 

that aren't anymore 

kind of suck.

And I miss what I wanted, 

not what it turned out to be - 

but I also miss the real you.

XIII]

every question that I ask, I get a lie, lie, lie

1. When was the last time that you felt your world got turned upside down? the past month has not been kind. I wouldn't have necessarily pulled the phrase "my world has been turned upside down" out of the air, but things do feel pretty messed up overall.
2. Should the United States do more to help its own citizens before helping people in other countries? "the United States" as an active body is one of those theoretical constructs that bogs me down in a spiral of meaninglessness. U.S. foreign aid is pretty extensive; it could be more productive. U.S. domestic programs are extraordinary, but could be far less bureaucratic while retaining (and improving) their methods. Individual states (and their component administrative units) have traditionally held primary responsibility for "helping their own citizens" and should continue to do so to the extent that they are able, including the fair distribution of federal funds. And we as individuals should be capable of training ourselves and each other to do more with less, in myriad ways.
3. What was something you memorized for school and still can recall? wow, my mind is swimming with data that does not apply--Bible verses (and the order of its books); the lyrics to "Juan Paco Pedro de la Mar"; and long cheers (memorized when I was in pep band). I've got nothing from actual school. I'll keep thinking and come back to this one: "Super Man Helps Every One"--the Great Lakes from West to East: Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario.
4. With what types of people do you tend to associate? punks and preps. Srsly? "Types of people"? Um...generally only the tall.
5. Besides blogging what is the last creative thing that you've done? tonight's dinner invention: beef soup
6. In nature, what outdoor activities do you enjoy the most? watching the river go by. Walking.
7. When was the last time that you had a great belly laugh? last Friday night at Applebee's. It was over one of the best rum & lemonades I've ever had, mostly because the company was perfection and the setting was the antidote to a frustratingly craptastic shopping experience. Should've stayed there all night!
8. What kind of fashion-sense attracts you? depends. I'm leaning toward a sleek sort of early Johnny Cash look for myself lately, all black and jeans-tucked-into-boots sullen. On guys...guh. I'd really prefer never to see another male again in my lifetime, thanks. And my female friends should all wear shirtwaists with pinafores. Yep, I'm really, really sleepy.
9. What traits in others turn you off? intolerance, cowardice, failure to adhere to some moral code, even if it's not my own. Oh, and also guys who don't like (or who pretend they don't like) to kiss.

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation from "Cry! Cry! Cry!" by Johnny Cash (his first hit single, from 1955)]

obstacles, part III

or, "What you resist persists."
[Carl Jung]
    Why don't I do what I want to do? Why don't I do what I know I should do? Why can't I make the good changes, the right changes, the big, necessary, positive changes? Why won't I take that first step?
    There's always a reason, and the reasons are always good. I should walk to work (get more exercise, conserve gas, it's insanely lazy to drive that distance), but...I can't get to work on time even when I drive, so it would be much worse if I walked. And it's [cold, hot, raining, snowing, windy, too sunny]. And I've got some errand that I've just got to do on the way to or back from work, or something heavy to carry.
    My job makes me crazy. I really want to be doing something different, making better money, using my education or my creative skills, but...the economy sucks right now, so there are no jobs available even to those who really need them, much less to someone who just wants a change. And my combination of education and experience renders me nearly unemployable anyway. And even if I did find a job, I'd still be workin' for the man instead of doing what I really want to do, which is to write, for myself, all the time.
    I shouldn't even start on relationships; November is shaping up to be just like the last few. I can't seem to meet a guy who's not married, psychotic, clingy, weird, deviant, annoying, addicted, way too old, stupidly young, damaged, cavalier, cruel, living more than 90 miles away, and/or utterly uninterested in me. What the fuck kind of radar do I have that makes it possible to attract these amazing combinations, especially when they are often so well hidden, or even disguised? And why, if I am not the dumbest person ever, do I keep making the same stupid choice?
    The "answer" to all of these questions is surprisingly easy: I can't, or won't, or don't, because I don't want to. I choose not to. I will not--or, put another way, I will it not to be. Rather than seeking what I claim to desire--health, conservation, new employment, a guy who doesn't completely suck--I instead seek the comfort of my familiar obstacles. My discomfort with waking up early enough to walk. My stage-fright in interviews (and deep confidence that this is the best [just work with me for a minute] job I'll ever have). My honest pleasure in solitude combined with bone-deep weariness of give-and-taking through the dating process. This "revelation" (which no longer feels so epiphanic) came to me like a lightning bolt ("OMG COOL!") and a skillet to the skull ("Duh, I should have realized this decades ago!") while reading Adam Phillips' On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored: Psychoanalytic Essays on the Unexamined Life. I selected the book expecting that the essay on kissing would be the high point, never imagining that that one would be pretty dull (but really--been there, done that) and that the ones on Phobias, Risk & Solitude, and most definitely Obstacles would be endlessly fascinating. For instance: "But the existence of that extraordinary phenomena, the wish, always implies a prior perception of obstacles. After all, why would we need to wish if nothing were in the way?" I think that's brilliant.
    If I just went and did all those things I can't, won't, or don't do, then why would I need to...be? I'm not trying to turn Descartes on his ear and claim that I complain, therefore I am. I only mean that some sense of striving, of unanswered questions, of goals as yet unmet, is necessary to the fulfilling--not fulfilled, I'm not dead yet--life.    
    Phillips goes on to say, "To feel hunger is to feel a growing obstacle to its gratification."
    When I'm hungry enough, I will walk to work...start sending those resumes...and stop this madness with the Unavailable Men. It really will be fine.

galling

    Think people are stupid? If not, this article might finally convince you. Apparently--according to the "editor" of Cooks Source--it's perfectly acceptable to steal what you want.

    It seems like our action plan is simple: get to the nearest magazine purveyor, pronto. Stealing a copy of Cooks Source seems like a great place to start following her advice.

because it's breaking...

"Nunc scio quit sit amor." ["Now I know what love is." Virgil]
    My sad, as you might have guessed, pertains to a relationship--or rather the lack of one. Well, relationships that exist between other people, and one that is apparently missing between me and someone else.

“I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't.” [W. Somerset Maugham]
    I have long held that one should not ask a question that one does not want to know the answer to. It is a truism, of course, but there is a deeper meaning. It came to me at the feet of a particularly good teacher in law school. A good attorney never opens a line of questioning about which he is not certain of the outcome. Court is no place for improvisation that requires the participation of unpredictable amateurs. The same is true in relationships; if I know that hearing something from the mouth of a friend will hurt me (e.g. the answer to "is this color good on me?"), then I should not ask the question.

“I felt like poisoning a monk.” [Umberto Eco]
    I wonder, though, if it's possible to be too careful. To avoid too many questions in an effort to forgo too much unpredictability and potential pain. Because really, some of that uncertainty and harm will come in spite of any preparation, and then any efforts taken to prevent the injury will not only be wasted but will be ironically pathetic, too.

    If I sound like I know this from experience--I do. Despite my knack for shutting up and not asking the hard questions so that the hard answers don't get me, sometimes I manage to get hit anyway.

"Whatever is in the heart will come up to the tongue." [Persian proverb]
    I didn't say what I could have said, I didn't ask what I should have asked, and then I admitted far more than I should have revealed.

"Every truth is not good to be told."

[Italian proverb]

    What do I have to show for it? Little or no opportunity to state my case because the perfect opportunity has passed; no right to argue with something that I should have known years ago but didn't know because I didn't ask; and a profound sense of emptiness where there used to be...something, thanks to having told too much truth, in the wrong way, too late.

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

[Anaïs Nin]

    I thought it wasn't what it was. I thought it was both more (much more) and also far more simple. I have a remarkable ability to attach meaning to nothingness and to find clarity in nightmares.

"My dancing days are done."

[Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher, in Scornful Lady (act V, scene 3)]

by insisting on love we spoil it

I am sad. Found out that I've been lied to, and I can't figure it out yet.

We find out the heart only by dismantling what

the heart knows. By redefining the morning,

we find a morning that comes just after darkness.

We can break through marriage into marriage.

By insisting on love we spoil it, get beyond

affection and wade mouth-deep into love.

We must unlearn the constellations to see the stars.

But going back toward childhood will not help.

The village is not better than Pittsburgh.

Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh.

Rome is better than Rome in the same way the sound

of raccoon tongues licking the inside walls

of the garbage tub is more than the stir

of them in the muck of the garbage. Love is not

enough. We die and are put into the earth forever.

We should insist while there is still time. We must

eat through the wildness of her sweet body already

in our bed to reach the body within that body.

[Jack Gilbert, 'Tear it Down' in The Great Fires: Poems, 1982-1992]